ADVICE
with: Jon Hamm


Question: I'm kind of painfully bad at introductions, but I love talking to people. I'm just awful at making the first move. Any good ice-breakers that won't send people running?
-Awkward Anonymous

Answer: I've found compliments work well. No false flattery -- no one enjoys smoke being blown up his/her ass -- but, since you want to strike up a conversation with the person you've chosen, I'd venture to guess you like something about him/her. Use that to your advantage! For example:

Don't: Oh my God! You are, like, the most awesome musician ever! Your music really speaks to me.
Do: Just wanted to let you know that your album _____ is a staple of my collection and I listen to it at least once a week.

Don't: I totally enjoyed your performance in _____. That movie was wack! You were so good as a crazed serial killer. Is it because you have some things in common?
Do: Your role in _____ was phenomenal. I can't even imagine how you went to such a dark place; that must've been difficult. Kudos to you for making it look effortless. I'm beyond impressed!

Alternatively, if you've had a chance to talk to someone in comments somewhere, but would like to begin instant messaging, making reference to a comment has worked for me. That way the person will know right away who you are (in case he or she doesn't have you added yet), and the conversation will instantly slide into the comfortable pace the comments had. An introduction or hello doesn't have to be limited to "Hi, I'm _____" or "How are you today?" or "What's up?" Be creative. People appreciate creativity.

Also, don't worry yourself into a frenzy about sending people running. Easier said than done, right? But in my experience, most of the time people are game for a conversation and getting to know others. In fact, I bet some of the people you'd like to get to know are just as anxious when it comes to striking up a chat. Try to relax and remind yourself of that. And, if someone turns out to be less than talkative, don't immediately assume you made a mistake. As long as you were friendly and relaxed, I doubt it was your fault. Sometimes people have other things going on, sometimes they just don't feel like conversing on a particular day. Let it go and try again with someone else.

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Question: How do you know who you're supposed to be with? What if there are two people you have amazing chemistry with, what do you do? How do you choose?

Answer: There's this corny cliche of an answer people use to describe what it's like finding The One: "You just know." I used to roll my eyes at that, but you know what? It's true.

Think beyond the chemistry aspect of your possible relationship. While it's absolutely necessary at the start, actually being with someone -- especially in the long term -- boils down to something more than chemistry. Think about what you want from a relationship, what you want from a partner. Does one of the candidates possess more of what you're looking for than the other? Or does one of them have the potential to become someone you can see yourself spending a good chunk of your time with? Do you think you possess what one or both of them is seeking?

Some people make better casual partners, especially if one or both of you values freedom in a relationship. Others might become your best friend, a person who enjoys the same activities and prefers to stay home. Think about who makes you laugh, who relaxes you and reminds you that life's not so bad when things get stressful and complicated. Think about who would sacrifice his/her time for you when you really need him/her -- and for whom you'd sacrifice your time. Think about the initial response you had upon meeting both people. Was it exactly the same? Or was there a certain spark with one of them?

And, while you're mulling over all these things, remember to be realistic. Liking someone can usually lead to sugarcoating his/her bad habits or less than stellar qualities (and we certainly all have them). Are both people's vices the kind most have and don't really matter to you? Or does one person have a quirk that you're not too sure about? This also counts for beliefs or principles. If you fundamentally disagree on these things, there's going to be a crack in the foundation from the onset.

There's nothing wrong with just being friends and getting to know someone before pursuing a relationship. Take your time. You'll know when you feel you're ready to decide.

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Question: I am in a terrible spot. Many of my friends have met an untimely demise. I feel, really alone, totally abandoned. I know the solution is to make new friends but that is kind of like getting a puppy when your cat has been run over, what do you suggest?

Answer: First of all, don't pressure yourself to make new friends so soon. Have you allowed yourself some time to reflect on your past friendships and how you feel in the wake of everything? That's really what's most important. I can tell you from personal experience that if you don't allow yourself to come to terms with things, those things will bite you in the ass sooner or later. And life's tough enough when you have heavy stuff on your mind.

Considering how you feel about moving on, before you set out to make new friends, have you thought about using some of this newfound alone time to do things you might not have had a chance to do before? While it's fun to go out, sometimes personal projects or endeavors of some sort get put on the backburner when you're hanging out with friends. Is there anything you've been meaning to do or experience that you filed away for later? Now's the time to discover these things.

Once you feel truly ready to make friends, remember that sometimes you hit it off with someone right away, and other times it takes time to find that best friend most of us are looking to have. Being casual isn't a bad thing. Talk to everyone, to people you normally wouldn't approach for whatever reason. Don't expect anything to come out of it -- just have fun. Let yourself have fun. I'm sure you've heard that people you need usually walk into your life when you least expect it. If you're already having a good time being the lone wolf who occasionally mingles with others, it'll be the proverbial icing on the cake when you find that friend or friends you want.

Take things one step at a time. Life will take care of the rest.


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