I am taking you off the plan.

You're taking off your pants? brt.

...you are insufferable

You're suffocating? Well I know it's big, but aren't you being a little dramatic?

STOP TYPING BEFORE I TAKE YOUR BLOODY FINGERS OFF ONE BY ONE AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT

ALSO HOW DO I TURN CAPS OFF I CAN'T STOP THEM THIS IS VERY ANNOYING

Mmm, somebody's frisky tonight. <3

Come down here and I'll show you how to turn them off. And what else you can shove down my thro-- LOL sorry, I almost spit out wine on my phone. LOL you topping.

ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU ARE GOING TO EAT EVERY ONE OF THESE WORDS YOURE TYPING NOW I WILL SEE TO THAT ALUCARD

EVERY SINGLE ONE

Somebody had delusions of grandeur.

btw, caps lock gives me wood. Keep talking.

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU LIKE BLOWING SMOKE

AMONGST OTHER THINGS

Damn.

Was it good for you, baby? <3

fuck you arthur showed me how to turn the caps off

thanks for nothing

A little late, but thanks for the enthusiasm. If you'd like round two, you'll have to wait. God, I'm not a machine, Walter.

is everything sexual innuendo with you

is NOTHING SACRED

It's not my fault that you want me so much that it laces itself in everything you say.

one of these days you'll get your head out of your ass long enough to see the world as it really is

you know

where youre actually a piece of shit and no one wants to fuck you as badly as you think they do, if at all ever

That's not what your daughter thinks.

[there's no response until walter walks into the basement, rails Alucard in the face, then walks back up the stairs.

five minutes later, a text message:]

excuse me did you say something

Round five?

[silence; the basement door opens and walter chucks the phone AT ALUCARD'S HEAD then slams the door shut.]

Bloody cocker.

[He rubs his head where a giant red spot is forming, calling after him.]

Come on, baby, I just wanna love you!

[He notices there's likely not going to be an answer and gives Walter's phone to Kevin, where they exchange dirty text messages for the next eight solid hours.]

A sandwich would be awesome about now, though.

Less bitchin more kitchen.

Wife won't let me hire a hot nanny for the girl. Am I being cockblocked by somebody whose underwear I used to shove singles in?

YOU NEED TO STOP TALKING LIKE THAT, YOU HAVE AN IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG DAUGHTER NOW

ALSO HOW DO I TURN CAPS OFF

DUDE, SHE WAS A MAGNIFICENT C. HOW CAN YOU NOT EXPECT ME TO BE ON THAT? I'M OLD, NOT DEAD.

Besides, this is why I have you. You entertain the baby while I engage in my indiscretions. Oh, and you check them for shanks. Shank me once, shame on you...and so forth.

CAPS ARE CURED BY CALMING YOUR ASS DOWN.

MY INEVITABLE RETIREMENT IS NOT WORTH THIS

NO, SERIOUSLY, HOW DO I TURN THIS CAPS OFF. I CANNOT FIND THE

BLOODY HELL I HIT THE SEND BUTTON TOO EARLY

HAHAHA! You retiring. That's a good one! You know you love me too much.

No it's cool, man. I had one of the maids bend down to show me. Something about messing with the big 'A' button. And...something about...buttons...? And pressing them...?

Damn she had a nice rack.

I REALLY BEGIN TO QUESTION MY PATH IN LIFE WHEN I SOMEHOW MANAGE TO ENABLE YOU EVEN WHen

oh

thre it goes

I owe you a drink to celebrate. Cele..brate...celibate? LOL those two are too close to each other. I think I'll ask the new maid if she wants to celebrate celibacy with sex.

how are you even alive

how did you make it to this age without being massacred by a feminist or otherwise half-intelligent woman

this baffles me

LOL IKR???

whAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

IT MEANS SERIOUSLY DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT FERNANDO GETUP? I NEED A NEW IDENTITY THIS BITCH IS SERIOUSLY CRAMPING MY STYLE.

you and alucard truly deserve each other. why don't you ask him to bail you out

BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE THE FERNANDO 'STACHE! IT'S AN INTEGRAL PART OF THE LOOK, OKAY?

Dude, if you do this for me, I'll get you that new...uh...tea kettle you want. Or was it a ceramic kitten? ...a vase?

WHATEVER IT IS, MAN, YOU'VE GOT IT. JUST GET HER OUT OF HERE.

Oh shit she's looking at me.

you know what? i will go get this woman, and in exchange, you are removing Alucard from our family plan.

Awww, man. But if I do that, who's going to send me picture messages of that hot waitress at McDonald's while he gets me the Oreo McFlurries that you won't let me have?

Uhh...

HEY, LOOK AT THE TIME.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HavE NICE THINGS

WHATEVER. SOMEDAY YOU'LL BE OLD AND YOU'LL SEE. WITH COCKBLOCK MCGEE OVER HERE THE ONLY JOY I HAVE IS MY MCFLURRIES.

SHIT WHY IS SHE STILL LOOKING AT ME.

I am going to make tea and pretend this conversation never happened. And when I escort your 'friend' out of your presence, you're going to cancel Alucard's services on our plan.

Or I will kill you.

Jeez, who got your panties in a wad? Was it Alucard? HAHA did he make you wear the little pink ones again? omg brb texting him.

He said they were the blue ones. Sent me a picture message. I like the pink ones better.