Why are you even still awake?

Hah! Just like a good woman to come when her man calls.

So where are we on those pancakes?

You do realize that it wouldn't take me more than five seconds to recite an incantation that would leave you paralyzed, don't you?

Ffff, paralysis. What can paralysis do to me? 'Oh no, I can't move! I guess I'll have to just make Seras do everything for me and get Integra to wait on me in a maid outfit.'

Yeah, that sounds awful.

Now seriously, about those pancakes.

Get them yourself. I'm busy.

What?! You're too busy to make food for the father of your children?!

...Alucard, we don't have children.

We could.

Pretty sure we couldn't.

Oh what do you know, you're just a woman.

Besides, what about Seras?

Seras isn't our child, you twit. She's someone you decided to pick up and bring home without asking.

That's like, all kids are though! One minute you're minding your own business, then all of a sudden in walks Mary McHugerack and she's all, "Mooom can I have the car keys" or "Mooom can you drive me to the mall to pick up boys" or "Moooom, Dad's shapeshifted into a six eyed dog and is chasing me around the house with a severed arm wanting to play catch."

Pay attention, jeez.

...wow.

Yeah, I know. So you see how you should have just given me that BJ that I wanted for my birthday so we wouldn't have to deal with this.

W-What?! How would--

Okay, you know what? The idea that you don't implode daily from the sheer stupidity that must run more than rampant in that twisted mind of yours simply baffles me. I honestly don't know how you've managed to "live" this long.

Oh wah wah wah. You sound just like Walter.

I take that as a compliment.

Yeah, I bet you do.

Except Walter probably would have just given me the BJ and been done with it already.

...

Goodnight, Alucard.

Oh, whaaaat? It was a joke! I was joking!

Mostly.