So when I think things will get better, they only get worse. I've basically been really depressed about my body lately..i can't even fit in some of my jeans. I have been focusing a lot on school but now it's time to focus on me over winter break. It's my goal. I NEED to get into better shape, beacuse right now it's not helping alex(my boyfriend) & my relationship with him. He says I'm gorgeous, but when i look in the mirror I feel like he deserves much better, and it affects the way I act around him. Right now I can really say I fucking hate myself..I feel like the fattest person alive and it need to be fixed NOW. I'm going to try so hard over break now that I wont be busy studying..I'm not going to make any excuses.beacuse guess what..the one thing i thought could get me not thinking about how sad i was(a job)..is NOT going to happen. I applied at KinderCare awhile ago and she kept delaying the interview..finally I had one last week and i thought it went really well...turns out they went with a girl with more experience. Seriosly..i needed this...i am broke. But now this will give me more time to work out. I rather be broke than fat...but I just really needed money for christmas presents and shit like that. I bought a cute pair a jeans from Buckle that were tight on me so they can be my inpiration to fit into after I've been working out a few weeks..It's going to be hard to stay away from all the holiday food ahh! Next time I update, I'm hoping to be 20 pounds lighter and much happier. We'll see.

mood: depressed