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[16 Apr 2010|01:01pm] |
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Thinking I might stop using this journal. No point in keeping it when no one is here anyway.
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[26 Feb 2010|02:47pm] |
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I miss this site...
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[16 Aug 2009|10:19pm] |
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So, I found an image for my new layout. One problem.... No lyrics. No words. I can't think of anything to go with the image! I need something bright and cheery with an undercurrent of sadness. There are TONS of songs like that but I can't think of any. HELP!!
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[11 Aug 2009|05:43pm] |
I need a new layout but I can't find an image I like so...
I want you guys to spam me with pics until I find one I like. ANYTHING GOES! Please help me out?!
I want to use the song "Walk Away From The Sun" by Seether if that helps any...
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[17 Jun 2009|05:33pm] |
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If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the Internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.
I'm having a hard time coping with the guilt about the baby.
My mom's aunt called me today. Apparently I'm scaring everyone by leaving. Apparently my mom is having a mental breakdown over it.
Despite every fact presented to me, I still want to go. I still want to leave. I am still going to leave. But I hate how much pain this is putting my mom through. And the fact that she doesn't see that or understand that, even if this is a mistake, it is a mistake I need to make. Let me live my life, please...
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[16 Jun 2009|12:12am] |
Dear mom,
So... you decided to go through my history. You decided to get curious. And you ended up hurt... I'll be honest, I don't even REMEMBER where I said what you quoted to me. Was it in an IM? An email? Here? I guess it doesn't matter. The fact remains that I did say it. Worse yet.... yeah, I that is how I feel sometimes. You just chose not to notice.
I just want to be happy. Is that so wrong? I'm sorry that you don't approve of the way I've handled things, but I was caught in a very tight spot. This is my only chance to go. You don't see it, but I do. If I don't leap now, I'll never leap. I need NEED to live my own life. I want to control my life and what happens in it. Is that really so bad?
I know you still see me as a kid and yeah, maybe this wasn't the best way to go about everything, but it is difficult to talk to you. Maybe you just haven't noticed how difficult it is to talk to you, but everyone feels it at times. For me it has just gotten increasingly difficult as the years have gone on. I tried to explain this to you before, but you didn't listen. You just assume you're right, that I'm wrong, and that as long as I listen to you then all will be well. Well, mom, I want to listen to myself this time.
Everyone is allowed to be happy at least once in their life, right? To find their own happiness? Well, that is what I am trying to do now. Please, I wish you understood that...
- Me
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[07 Jun 2009|12:39am] |
My mind is... unsettled right now. I haven't even eaten today and I walked three miles plus worked almost nine hours. Only thing I've had to drink is a single mountain dew and less than a quarter of a milkshake. I have no energy left in my body, still my mind persists, continually going in circles, trying to consider everything.
I want to make everyone happy but... I want to be happy too.
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| been working on this for a few days... |
[06 Jun 2009|03:12am] |
So, before you even wonder, comments are turned off on this entry. I... I can't really handle input right now. Not on this. Partially because I know many people will be very upset that I am even CONSIDERING any of this. But mainly because... I need to be a big girl and figure this out on my own.
I have a choice to make. Do I move to Arizona or do I move to Washington? I am moving. There is no doubt in my mind that I will be leaving this house soon. There is a part of me that is just screaming, begging to get out and be on my own. But I'm torn as to where I will go.
There are pros and cons to both locations. Issue #1.a - People I know. True, only person I will know in AZ is Dan. Only people I will know in Washington are Christy and Lindsey. I do not want anyone to make this seem like it is me choosing between any of you. You are all my friends. And because you are my friends, I have to also take you into consideration which could make my decision difficult.
-- Issue #1.b - Effect on the people I know. You are all in different places right now. I refuse to allow myself to be a burden and you all know that. You know I would hate myself if I felt I was imposing on you in anyway. If I move to Washington, I would be dependent on Christy and Lindsey until I was able to get a feel for things on my own and even then I would have to worry about if I were a burden based on where I would be staying. You are both tight on money and I know this. Christy, you yourself are moving in July so money will be especially tight for you. If I move to Arizona I would probably be living on my own for a while. The thing with AZ is that I could actually afford to live on my own. I wouldn't have to depend on anyone really. And that alone appeals to me a great deal...
Issue #2 - Money. Either way, I would try very hard to have a job when I move. The wonders of Blockbuster means that I can get a job transfer which is great. But when I look at the cost of living in both places, I see difficulties. In Washington, money would be extremely tight, even with a roommate. Cost of living there is almost the same as where I am now. Any money I make would all go toward bills and not much would be left over. In Arizona, I could afford to cover an apartment and utility bills on my own with a bit of money left over.
Issue #3 - School. Clark College is very appealing. Admittedly, I haven't looked into the school in Arizona, but Clark offers classes that I'm extremely interested in. Plus it would be extremely easy for me to get my GED in Washington. This part is iffy since I don't know much about the schools in AZ.
Issue #4 - Me. I'm slightly afraid to make a decision because I don't want anyone upset with me. But I also know that everyone would probably be more upset with me if I didn't do this, if I didn't take my life into my own hands. Am I scared? Slightly. But I know I can take care of myself no matter where I am. Hell, I am taking care of myself now AND two other people. My biggest fear is that, what if I can't financially manage this? But even that isn't scaring me much right now. No matter where I go, I'll have help. I will have support.
I think I'm leaning more and more toward Arizona...
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[01 Jun 2009|01:11pm] |
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my chest hurts...
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[31 May 2009|06:28am] |
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someone explain to me why I've been up for the last hour and can't get back to sleep, even though I don't have to be at work until 9
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[21 May 2009|09:16pm] |
In the middle of transferring everything here. I will still keep the other journal, I just really wanted the icon space on this one. lol
Also, since I'm bored, I'm going to post up a little meme type thing.
Ask me a question, any question. No matter how private, vulgar, or mundane, I will answer.
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| Haunted by Disturbed |
[30 Jun 2008|12:05pm] |
You're broken, so am I
I'm better off alone
No one to turn to and nothing to call my own
Outspoken, so am I
Explosive words that your world wouldn't understand
Turn away again
You're beaten, so am I
I've got a heart of stone
No medication can draw what has taken hold
You're hurting, so am I
When I awaken, remember why I've been running from your
World
Dishonored by your world
Your world
I'm haunted by your world
My blood is cold as ice
Or so I have been told
Show no emotion, and it can destroy your soul
Another sacrifice
To a tormentor your world wouldn't understand
Turn away again
You're angered, so am I
A thousand fires burn
A land of darkness from which I cannot return
You're aching, so am I
When I awaken, discover that I have been damaged by your
World
Dishonored by your world
Your world
I'm haunted by your world
(Remember and you might be welcomed
Amongst the heartless monsters you surround yourself with
Feeding off the pain and misfortune of others
A maniacal unit of sub-human parasites
Warped into a feeding frenzy at the smell of fresh blood
Open your eyes and see the creatures for what they are
A swirling mess of hatred and envy
Don't be naive enough to think you're unaffected
The conversion has already begun...)
You're frightened, so am I
A world of demons wait
Watching the movements and filling my heart with hate
You're burning, so am I
When I awaken, discover how I have been ravaged by your
World
Dishonored by your world
Your world
I'm haunted by your world
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[12 Jun 2008|12:35am] |
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All I want is to feel loved by you...
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| Worst December by Sugarcult |
[31 May 2008|03:13pm] |
It’s a big mistake
50 days, 3 months away
I’d be laughing today
But your voice on the phone gives me no reason
Don’t take from me
My heart is barely beating
Don’t take from me
I’m falling down
All I want to do is lie in bed with you
All I really ever need is you
All I got to do is give up all I have to be with you
It’s a different day
1500 miles away
Why would you want to stay?
So take a look around
All I want to do is lie in bed with you
All I really ever need is you
All I got to do is give up all I have to be with you
All I want to do is to be close to you
All I want to do is to be next to you
All I want is you to give up all we had to be
I can’t remember why I’m here
If you’d let me spend my life with you
December’s gone
It came and went
All I really need is you
I’m waiting here for you
December’s gone
It came and went
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[29 May 2008|06:38pm] |
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Straight up now tell me are you gonna love me forever or are you just having fun?
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| Haemoglobin by Placebo |
[15 May 2008|12:32am] |
I was hanging from a tree
Unaccustomed to such violence
Jesus looking down on me
I'm prepared for one big silence
How'd I ever end up here
Must be through some lack of kindness
And it seemed to dawn on me
Haemoglobin is the key
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
At the time they cut me free
I was brimming with defiance
Doctors looking down on me
Breaking every law of science
How'd I ever end up here?
A latent strain of color blindness
Then it seemed to dawn on me
Haemoglobin is the key
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat [x4]
Now my feet don't touch the ground
Now my feet don't touch the ground
Now my feet don't touch the ground
Now my feet don't touch the ground
As they drag me to my feet
I was filled with incoherence
Theories of conspiracy
The whole world wants my disappearance
I'll go fighting nail and teeth
You've never seen such perseverance
Gonna make you scared of me
Cause haemoglobin is the key
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat [x4]
Now my feet don't touch the ground [x8]
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| Walking Wounded by The Tea Party |
[15 May 2008|12:31am] |
Is it safe to look within
And erase all that's been
And all that's been between
Is it gone, tell me what went wrong
'cause baby i'm not that strong
And I'm walking wounded
All Alone
All Alone
Are you comfortable and numb
Do they all succumb
to all those lies
Does it satisfy the greed
Is it all you need
Is it all you want
well baby i'm not that strong
And I'm walking wounded
All Alone
and baby i'm not that strong
And I'm walking wounded
All Alone
All Alone
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
baby, now
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
If your memories do stray
Then they'll betray all that's past
And all that's been between
Is it gone, tell me what went wrong
'cause baby I'm not that strong
And I'm walking wounded
All Alone
and baby i'm not that strong
And I'm walking wounded
All Alone
All Alone
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
baby, now
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
baby, now
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| Not Like The Other Girls by The Rasmus |
[09 May 2008|09:30pm] |
No more blame I am destined to keep you sane
Gotta rescue the flame
Gotta rescue the flame in your heart
No more blood, I will be there for you my love
I will stand by your side
The world has forsaken my girl
I should have seen it would be this way
I should have known from the start what she's up to
When you have loved and you've lost someone
You know what it feels like to lose
She's fading away
Away from this world
Drifting like a feather
She's not like the other girls
She lives in the clouds
She talks to the birds
Hopeless little one
She's not like the other girls I know
No more shame, she has felt too much pain, in her life
In her mind she's repeating the words
All the love you put out will return to you
I feel like this song is about me right now. I really truly do. I feel like I am the girl he is singing about...
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| Mistake by Fiona Apple |
[02 Mar 2008|11:26am] |
I'm gonna make a mistake
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time
'Cause I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine
And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure
Had fun, so
I'm gonna f*** it up again
I'm gonna do another detour
Unpave my path
And if you wanna make sense
Whatcha looking at me for
I'm no good at math
And when I find my way back,
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I've acquired quite a taste
For a wellmade mistake
I wanna mistake why can't I make a mistake?
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why
Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to
Answer you, hell no
I've acquired quite a taste
For a wellmade mistake, I wanna
Make a mistake, why can't I make a mistake
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why
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| The Distance by CAKE |
[22 Feb 2008|05:24pm] |
Reluctantly crouched at the starting line
Engines pumping and thumping in time
The green light flashes, the flags go up
Churning and burning they yearn for the cup
They deftly manuver and muscle for rank
Fuels burning fast on an empty tank
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern
As they speed through the finish, the flags go down
The fans get up and they get out of town
The arena is empty except for one man
Still driving and striving as fast as he can
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
Not long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's driving and striving an hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for who he still burns
He's going the distance
He's going for speed
She's all alone, all alone, all alone in a time of need
Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse
He's going the distance
No trophies, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no lime
He's haunted by something he cannot define
Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse
Assail him and bail him with monster truck force
In his mind he's still driving, still making the grade
She's hoping in time that her memories will fade
'Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
Not long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for who he still burns
'Cause he's going the distance,
He's going for speed
She's all alone
All alone
All alone
In a time of need
Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse
He's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and ridding on his horse
He's going the distance
He's going for speed
He's going the distance
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