Inside My Mind

Writings from Brigid

Brigid the Strange

Firefly: Happy Place

I like to think of myself as "artfully insane". What's your excuse?

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July 30th, 2008

A note:

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Firefly: Happy Place
Dearest, darlingest, Russell T. Davies:

You sir, are a whore. A horrible, horrible, man-whore of a writer.

I salute you.

Whore.

Love,

Me

P.S. BRING BACK MY DOCTOR! NAO!!!!!!!!!

(kisses!)

P.P.S. NICE touch on the shiny hula hoop of DOOM! :D

P.P.P.S. As a rabid fangirl, THANK YOU for the nakkies. 'Nough said.

April 10th, 2008

A small update to prove I'm alive.

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Firefly: Happy Place
So this past faire weekend was good. I was less stressed about faire than I usually am, though I was still stressing A LOT about my lack of work and what I'm going to do.

I'm still trying to find a job, and so far no success. It's really causing my depression to bear down on me, and every day it gets a little harder to get out of bed in the morning, and once I do it's a little harder not to spend the better part of the day in tears.

Taylor has been even more wonderful than ever though, and every time I see him or talk to him he always manages to say or do just the right thing to push the depression away and make me feel happy. Even if he doesn't necessarily know I'm in a bad place yet, he always manages to help me more than anything.

This weekend is going to be good for me I think. Being at faire always makes me feel better and helps me work through pieces of my depression. It's some of the best therapy I could ask for. Of course, it does help that Taylor will be there the whole time, and having him nearby always helps.

Of course, all of this wonderfulness goes out the window whenever I'm home. For example, right now as I am trying to write up this entry, Aaron (my step-cousin) woke up, walked into the room, and started talking to me in the middle of a conversation he was previously having with someone else. No, "good morning" or "hi". Just "So this chick I was talking to last night...". And the whole time I am giving noncommittal responses and starting at my computer screen and trying to politely get the message across that I'm busy, but no. He insists on talking and chatting at me until he has to go shower.

It's really hard to quietly work through your own problems and frustrations when someone won't shut up and leave you alone. Thus making it harder for you to not take out your own frustrations on said person. UGH.

March 24th, 2008

BLAUGH!

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Firefly: Happy Place
So, I haven't really had internet access for the last week and a half now. UGH.

Updates to come as soon as I catch up with everything and/or get a reliable connection.

Again, UGH!

March 18th, 2008

So much I want to say...

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Firefly: Happy Place
...and yet the depression always manages to sap my drive to write it down.

I've been in Ventura since Friday, and will remain here until at least this coming Friday. Taylor's grandparents left on Monday for a mini-vacation and asked me to house sit while they're away. It has been interesting and wonderful to get to see Taylor every day, and I know it's going to make it that much harder for me to go home at the end of the week.

I still have no job, and no prospects. I don't know what to do.

I'm so afraid that I won't find a job before my money runs out.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm so worried.

I really need help with this, but I don't know of anyone that can help.

Fuck.

March 11th, 2008

Mini Rant and Rave

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Firefly: Happy Place
So today sucked.

Last night my mother and I had a talk which triggered me into yet another depressed down-spiral, and I did my best to fight it all night until I finally went to bed.

Today I woke up and attempted to continue to fight, but it seemed like no matter what I did nothing went right. I tried to make a skirt to take my mind off things, and wound up fucking it up and missing pieces.

I couldn't make food properly. I couldn't find anything interested on TV. I banged my head and hands and knees on things. I nearly burnt a finger ironing. And worst of all, I snapped at Taylor a few times. He was doing his very best to help me feel better, and I snapped at him a few times before he was able to make me begin to feel a little bit better and less freaked out.

So what does he do? He just goes on talking to me and doing his best to make me smile and laugh, and continued to help me work through all the irrational crap the depression was trying to feed me. He continued to be patient and wonderful and helpful and probably doesn't even know how much just talking to me on the phone and online helped me today.

I don't deserve him. I really don't. I'll fight like hell to keep him though, because I love him madly and can't believe how damn lucky I am to have been gifted with someone like him.

I just wish I could figure out some way to return the favor. I feel like he constantly has to give and give and give lately because I'm fighting just to keep myself from falling apart, and I hate that I can't offer him all that much in return.

It also doesn't help that it's that time of the month for me right now and therefore my emotions are all over the place in general. Stupid ovaries.

But regardless, he's wonderful, and I just hope that I'm able to make him as happy as he makes me each and every single day.

March 10th, 2008

Kinda depressed...

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P&P: Well... shit.
Three things:

1. Not having a job for this long is officially scaring the crap out of me. I don't know what I'm going to do.

2. It feels like I am constantly taking one step forward and two steps back, both in terms of this job hunt and my depression.

3. Not having the people you care most about nearby to give you a hug or just sit and talk about nonsense for a while is retarded. And depressing.

March 3rd, 2008

Well crap.

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P&P: Well... shit.
So yesterday, about halfway through the day, my cell phone decided it wasn't going to allow me to hear anything through the normal ear-piece anymore. Which means that every time I make or receive a call, I can't hear if it rings on the other end, or if I answer I can't hear anyone on the other end of the phone. The only way I'm able to hear anything, is if I either use a headset, or switch it to speaker-phone. And when it's on speaker-phone it squeals and hisses the entire time.

I called tech support this morning, and we went through a bunch of steps, involving me finding a PC to download and save all of my photos and videos and data on, before performing a factory reset. Unfortunately I've lost my ringtones that I downloaded, but at least we were able to save the photos and address book. After the tech had me do the factory reset, it still didn't work. So now they are shipping me a new Ocean (as soon as they have one in stock, UGH!), which I will get hopefully by new WEEK at the latest.

Which means I currently have a cell phone that I can't really use as a cell phone for a week, while I wait for a new (hopefully) working model to arrive in the mail.

So yeah, if you call my cell and I don't answer, please leave me a message and I'll call you back from my home phone.

In the meantime, I'm going to try and find a use for this piece of crap called a phone that I've got to deal with for the next week.

UGH.

February 15th, 2008

Little Things

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Firefly: Happy Place
I have to admit, that yesterday was the best Valentine's Day I'd had in a long time.

We didn't go out; there were no fancy dinners or roses or fancy clothes. I didn't even get to see him in person. I only got to hear the sound of his voice for a while.

But there's nothing like knowing that you love someone, and being secure in the knowledge that they love you back.

It's the little things that make the biggest difference.

February 12th, 2008

People are retarded.

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Firefly: Happy Place
I don't suppose anyone knows who the AIM user "KindlySalmon" is? If you do, please let me know as I'd love to know what the fuck this was about:

"1:02 PM kindlysalmon: Hi.
1:03 PM me: Hi, who is this?
1:03 PM kindlysalmon: hello
I am Aragorn
1:03 PM me: Oookay.
1:04 PM kindlysalmon: who r u?
1:04 PM me: Shouldn't you know who I am if you're the one IMing me?
1:05 PM kindlysalmon: u IMed me
1:07 PM me: No. I received a notification stating that "KindlySalmon" was attempting to send me a message, and received an IM that said "hi". I'm sorry if there was a glitch or something, but I didn't IM you, as I do not usually send messages to screen names I've never heard of before.
1:08 PM kindlysalmon: :P
1:10 PM me: So anyway, nice talking to you "Aragorn", but I'm going to block you now to be sure this doesn't happen again."

In conclusion, people are retarded.

Ugh.

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Firefly: Happy Place
It's gotten to the point that I even resent having to talk to customers now. It's not that they've done anything to me, or are even particularly horrid to me. It's just that dealing with customers means I have to do actual work, and I am so against doing anything that even remotely resembles my job at this point it's not even funny. I can't stand this place. I wish she'd freaked and revoked my offer of two weeks outright instead of being sweet and accepting it.

Still, I'll need the money in case I don't find work immediately following my last day here, which is why I'm doing my best to force myself to suffer through it. Also it would be good to leave on good footing with the company in general. Though I have been promised an excellent review from one of my co-workers, regardless of what my boss is willing to do. So it's good that I have that to count on.

In other news, I have realized I am mildly disappointed in the upcoming holiday on Thursday. This will be the first Valentine's/Singles Awareness Day since my freshman year of high school that I've actually had a SO for, and because of the distance it's not really feasible for us to do anything. Which is why I haven't even bothered to mention it to him. While I would definitely be willing to get off work in time to drive up there to see him for a few hours, I know he (1) usually has poetry night on Thursdays, and (2) feels bad enough that I spend the amount of gas I do just to see him (TOTALLY WORTH IT!). Also, V-Day is (at least in my mind) a very girly holiday, and therefore has the innate ability to somehow bring out all of my girlish tendencies, and turns me into a wuss who feels rather silly whenever she thinks about broaching the subject of doing anything for the holiday with her boyfriend (even if it could potentially create an excuse to wear those AMAZING shoes he seems to like so much).

On the upside though, my boyfriend is amazing and doesn't need to do anything special on a holiday largely dictated by Hallmark in order to make me happy. He makes me happy just by being him.

ANYway, all girly-ness and work related strife aside, there is not much new on my end. Today I plan to leave work at 6pm come hell or high water, and when I get home I've got a few bills to pay. Ooo, exciting. Though at least once I wade through the bills I've got a good book waiting for me. AND Will Wright announced the release date for Spore today, which makes me immensely excited. I am seriously considering trying to take a week off based on the release date for that game just so I can play it. I've been waiting on this one for 2+ years now and it's FINALLY going to get put on the shelves this September.

Now all I need is a way to make this week fly by so that the weekend can be here sooner. Oh well.

February 11th, 2008

The Job Saga Continues

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Firefly: Happy Place
So on Thursday of last week I officially quit my job. My boss came into the office late in the afternoon, and I handed her my letter of resignation. My last day here will be on the 22nd, unless I can find a job before then. In which case I will simply tell them I was offered a position with another company and I will not be coming back other than to drop off my keys and pick up my final check. I am really hoping that I find something within the next two weeks so that I can do that, because I would love to feel like I am finally getting to leave this hell hole.

On Friday, I drove out to Thousand Oaks ass-early in the morning and had an interview with AppleOne Employment. They are a headhunting agency and I feel confident that they will find me employment quickly. Their representative that has been assigned to me even helped me rework my resume to make it more likely for someone to hire me, and told me that I really should be asking for more money. Which confirms my belief that I am getting grossly underpaid at my current job. I currently make $14/hour, which is what I am asking for in terms of salary from another position, and my representative told me that I should be asking in the $27-$35/hour range. Which would be AMAZING. He also mentioned that he has a couple jobs available right now that I might be able to get as soon as Tuesday of this week if he can get me an interview. So hopefully he'll give me a call today with more information on that.

I also had to take some assessment tests at home for the positions he wants me to apply for, which I was able to take from home Sunday night. I did very poorly on the two Excel tests, and utterly failed the 10 Key test because of misinformation on the webpage and the way my computer was acting up. I was told in my interview that I could retake them whenever I wanted if I wasn't satisfied with my scores, but the website where I take them at isn't letting me redo them at all. So I am going to email and call my rep. today and have him unlock them or something so that I can redo the ones I failed.

In other news, the rest of my weekend went well. I spent it with Taylor as usual and got to relax a bit with him, which greatly helped my stress levels. He even sat with me while I did my assessment testing, and honestly if he hadn't been there I would've just quit the tests on the spot and failed all of them without even bothering to try because I was so frustrated with how slow the computer was being and how that was affecting my test scores, not to mention how the instructions for each question were sometimes worded oddly enough to confuse me and make me not understand how to accomplish what they wanted. But having him there helped a great deal, and he's wonderful for putting up with me while I was stressed out. I just wish I could think of a good way to let him know how important he is to me and how much I appreciate everything he's done for me. Other than just telling him, which I do my best to do.

And now I'm sitting here at my desk at work, one day closer to never having to be here ever again. My boss just walked in the door which means that today is going to be interesting, to say the least. She doesn't usually bother to work out of the office, and I admit I prefer it that way. So the fact that she's here means today will be stressful and long for me, and I only hope that I can get through it okay.

Here's hoping today goes well.

February 7th, 2008

Dear Boss,

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Firefly: Happy Place
As a person, you are quite nice. Had I met you outside of a supervisor-employee setting, we would have gotten along decently.

But as a boss, you are terrible, and I personally cannot wait to leave your presence. I have only ever worked a job where I felt so under-appreciated once before, and that was when I worked at K-Mart. At least at K-Mart I knew it was a general under-appreciation of all employees, instead of feeling as though you had a personal vendetta or hatred for me.

I can't stand to work in this office. I hate having to be here every day and every time you open your mouth to bitch at me for something that I've A) already done, B) wasn't aware you wanted me to do, C) did differently (the way you initially asked for it) which is now apparently not good enough, or D) just to tell me how much I suck in general, I have to fight back the urge to scream at you. Or punch you in the face. Or both.

I have gone home from work every night this week and spent at least part (if not all) of my drive home crying because I've once again allowed you to make me feel less than worthless for another day. You and this job have literally been making me sick, and I just cannot bring myself to take it anymore.

Today is the Lunar New Year, and as you and your family are Vietnamese and VERY superstitious, this is a major holiday for you. And while I myself am pagan and this is technically a holiday of sorts for me as well, my beliefs and religious practices are much more subdued when at work, and do not influence my professionalism in any way. The fact that you told me to wear red today to honor the new year would not have been as much of an issue with me, had you bothered to mention it last night or even earlier this morning. Instead, you told me to wear red when I had already been sitting in traffic on my way to work for half an hour.

So no, I did not turn around, and I am not wearing red. I will not go home and change should you ask, and while I did not initially realize that black and white are "bad luck colors" to be wearing today, I must admit that there is a tiny part of me that is glad for it.

Because you see, the moment you get in to the office today, I will ask to speak with you. I will be polite, professional, and collected. And I will tell you in a very calm voice that I am quitting. I will even be nice enough to feign sadness at this decision, and act as though I will deeply miss being here. If your reaction is to be sad and upset, then I may even concoct some story about moving to Ventura or Ojai to soften the blow. If your reaction is to get angry at me however, I will tell you the honest truth. That YOU and you alone have solely driven me back into therapy, and caused no less than 3 panic attacks in the space of one week. I doubt you will understand what all of this means, as your only stress on a daily basis is whether or not you look good wearing your designer outfits with your $1,000+ accessories. You who has most likely never needed to work a real job other than "acting" or "modeling" a day in her life, and who only runs the catering division as a favor to her family.

In short, I am done. I am fed up, and I can take no more. So please, dear boss, come in to the office today. Come to work wearing your red outfit for good luck this lunar new year. Come happily from your friend's new year party, fresh from hob-nobbing with aristocrats. Come with a smile on your face.

Because I honestly cannot wait to deliver the news that you have driven away yet another personal assistant.

Your "Dutiful" Employee,

Liz

P.S. You won't notice, because you don't even know how to work the printer, but that resignation letter I'll be handing you was written, typed, and printed on company time and resources. Thanks!

February 6th, 2008

I'm tired of all my depressing posts.

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Firefly: Happy Place
Last night I spent the bulk of my drive home from work crying because by boss had once again managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Shortly after I got home I resolved to not put up with this any more, and decided to quit upon my boss' arrival into the office today.

She has yet to come in. It is past 3pm, and she is not here. Nor will she be here today, or at least it doesn't look like she'll be here today.

This makes it impossible for me to quit today as I had wished to, and instead I will have to suffer through work for another day.

But instead of dwelling on this distressing fact, I have instead decided to occupy my mind with happier thoughts in an attempt to make today seem a little better.

And so far, it's worked. For today I have spent the bulk of my time thinking about my boyfriend, and how ridiculously lucky I am to have him. I mean honestly, fantastic, sexy boys like him do not single me out in a crowd of prettier women and say "I want that one". They just don't. Now I'm not saying that I'm incredibly ugly or anything, but I know that if it weren't for the red hair I'd be considered entirely average or less.

But for whatever reason, he singled me out, and then decided he liked me enough to try spending some time with me the next weekend. Which then turned into seeing him the weekend after that, and the one after that, and the one after that, until we got to the point we're at now. Where it's nearly 6 months later and his family seems to be at least getting used to me, I helped his grandmother and mom redecorate a part of his grandparents house, and at the end of the weekend neither one of us wants to let the other one go.

Allow me to summarize for you: I am damn lucky.

How the hell I got this lucky I will never know. Maybe some deity likes me, or maybe one of them took pity on me for a split second and nudged us towards each other. Or maybe I just got lucky as hell. Either way, I am so very, VERY grateful to have him, because he is a wonderful and amazing person who can make me happy with just a phone call. So that's my focus for today, because even just thinking about how I'll get to talk to him later while I drive home makes me smile.

And I sincerely hope that each and every one of you on my friends list one day finds someone who makes you as happy as he makes me if haven't already. Because even if this relationship doesn't last forever and one day I wind up with yet another broken heart, getting to have someone who makes me this happy, even if it's only for a little while, is definitely worth it. No matter what.

February 4th, 2008

Sappy but true.

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Firefly: Happy Place
He got worried last night.

Usually when I drive home Sunday it's late and I'm tired and he makes me promise to call him when I get home. Which he did just like he always does. So I drove home, made it there in just over an hour, walked into the house and cleared off my bed and started to get changed so that I could call him and crawl into bed, in the hopes that his voice would be the last thing I heard before I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

But he got worried, and before I could finish clearing off my bed he called, just be sure I was okay.

I was surprised that he was still awake, but the fact that he'd looked at the time, seen that it was over an hour, and got worried enough to call me was so wonderfully sweet. We talked for a little longer than we usually do when I call to let him know I made it home. I didn't want to hang up the phone, if only because I'd managed to clear my bed and change while we talked, so I was in bed, curled up under warm covers, and listening to the sound of his voice. It would have been better if he'd been there in person, because then I could've slept well, but still. I didn't want to put the phone down.

I miss him. Terribly.

It's been less than 24 hours since I last saw him and I miss him. Every weekend I begin to miss him the moment I drive away from his house. I hate having to leave him every week knowing that I've got to get through 5 long days before I can see him again. I know it's only five days and I do this every week, but ever week it's harder and harder to leave, and every week I miss him more and more. It's kind of ridiculous, but I have trouble getting through the day if I haven't heard from him the night before, or if I know I can't call him on my way home from work that day.

I need him. It's a little scary to realize, but it's true. He makes me so happy, and I like to think I do the same for him, because goddess knows I do my best. And I think I've done a decent job of it thus far. At least, I think if I weren't doing a decent job of making him happy he wouldn't have started talking about moving in with me the first chance we get. And it's a little scary that the thought of living together doesn't seem like a big deal to me. It just feels so very right.

It doesn't even feel right the same way the idea of living with Alicia felt right all that time ago. The thought of getting to come home to him every day, or even just the thought getting to come home to my own apartment and finding it empty, but knowing that he'll come be coming home to the same place before the night's over is just... it makes me so happy. Just to think about. And then I think that it's an actual realistic possibility and it makes me even happier. I know it wouldn't be all perfect and happy and that living with him would probably make us each find a couple annoying habits in the other, and I know it'd have it's ups and downs, but he makes me so happy and the idea that I'd still get to be with him at the end of each day is just so wonderful that I know it'd be worth working through any problems we might have.

I love him, and I can't help it. He's amazing and wonderful and it's a little scary to think that I care about him that much, but I do and I wouldn't change it for anything.

I just hope that one day I can get over my fear of scaring him off so that I can tell him all this, because he deserves to know how happy he makes me.

January 31st, 2008

I feel achy.

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Firefly: Happy Place
I woke up about an hour ago with a fever of 100.8 degrees.

Definitely won't be going into work today.

Just wish I didn't feel like crap. :(

January 29th, 2008

One day at a time..

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Firefly: Happy Place
Yesterday was... interesting. As I stated in in yesterday's post I had prepared myself to be fired upon my boss' arrival in the office. Both fortunately and unfortunately, she never did come in. Nor will she be coming in at all today. She called with things she needed me to do once or twice, but that was it.

And when we spoke on the phone she never mentioned my not showing at the party. She didn't ask what had happened, didn't ask where I was or why my message had just said "I'm not well". She didn't even mention it. So I'm not sure what that means. I don't know if that means she's waiting until she comes into the office to speak to me in person, or if she's so mad she can't talk about it yet. I don't know if she's just going to ignore it and pretend it never happened, or if she's waiting for the Vice President to get into the office and she'll have him talk to me. I don't know if he'll speak to me and tell me I'm fired, or if nothing will come of this.

So at the moment I'm stuck in limbo. I don't know what's going to happen, and I have no way of moving the process of finding out forward without playing my hand, which at this point would involve giving them my two weeks notice. And while I would love not having to come in to work this job any more, I also am attempting to leave in the best way possible, as I don't want to leave behind any bad feelings or negativity.

And I hate this feeling of not knowing what's coming next. I mean, I like surprises and all, but I hate not having even the slightest forewarning of whether or not this will be a good or bad thing. It's hard to prepare myself for the next time I speak to my boss in person when I don't know what to expect from her. I don't know if I need to steel myself against her anger, or if I can just relax because she's already dropped it entirely. In either case, at the moment it's got me on edge and I hate that feeling of teetering on the brink of the unknown. It's both worrisome and annoying, and no matter what happens I just hope it's all resolved soon.

Newness

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Firefly: Happy Place
Since GJ is dying, I will be using this journal as it's substitute. I will also be uploading old journal entries from my GJ to here so that I do not loose them.

And I'll be cross posting from my LJ. So here's hoping this one works out.

January 28th, 2008

Weekend Summary and The Beginning of the End

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Firefly: Happy Place
Friday:

On Thursday I waited and waited for a call or text from my boss telling me what time I needed to be in on Friday. Eventually, after receiving nothing, I gave up and went to bed. Friday morning I woke up in time to catch a text from her that told me to arrive at her house at 9:30am. So I got up earlier than usual, showered, packed up everything I thought I would need for the party just in case I didn't get an hour or two off to come home and change, and left. I arrived at her house on time, only to discover that she hadn't bothered to get up yet, and there was nothing for me to do until she did. So I twiddled my thumbs for a good hour and a half before she finally got out of bed. By the time she came out and started to give me instructions, I had already begun working with one of the other assistants to help her finish her work while I waited. I was then given a huge load of things to be done "NOW!", and started working on them as fast as I could. At about noon, I finished everything I could do from her home office, and drove out to another part of Beverly Hills to deliver an invitation for the party that night. I then drove to the restaurant, and proceeded to run around there helping anyone who asked for anything, while my boss got her nails, hair, and makeup done for the party. Finally, when the party was about two hours away from starting, I called and asked her if I could return to her house to get changed and do my makeup, as all of the restaurant hostesses had. I was then told that I had to change in her office, and to do wait there for her to arrive. So I had to kick out all of the people waiting to get their uniforms for the night out of the office for 5 minutes so I could do a musical theater style quick change into my dress, and then proceeded to do my make-up in her office while people walked in and out fetching uniforms and doing what they needed to get ready.

I then ran downstairs, found that my boss had arrived, and grabbed a walkie talkie, to which I was to be glued for the rest of the night. I then spent the entire night chasing after her and running errands for her in tall heels, while attempting to listen to the instructions and questions being fed to me over the radio while the DJ and performers blared music so loud that it hurt my ears and made my head feel like it was going to split open. I also hadn't eaten anything since about 1pm, and was never allowed a break for dinner, so I was doing all of this running purely on water and stress. I was supposed to stick by her side all night and be the liaison between my boss and all of the staff, but she kept sending me on errands that HAD to be done in person rather than over the radio, and every time I would return to the place I last left her, she would be gone and I'd spend a good 30 to 45 minutes searching for her. By the end of the night I was fighting back tears, and was incredibly relieved when she finally said I could go home.

Saturday:


Saturday morning I managed to sleep in until 9am before my body finally refused to stay in bed any longer. I got up, called Taylor, and then headed out to pick him up from the doll show he'd been helping his mother and grandmother at. I got there all right, grabbed him and we stopped by my house so I could get directions to my appointment with my new therapist. I'd found her on psychologytoday.com, and was going to do an initial session with her just to see if she'd work out for me. We then raced to my appointment and just barely made it on time. When I walked into her office I was hit by a wave of healing energy and the strong scent of fresh lavender. It instantly calmed me down and made me relax a bit. She's also got several crystals strategically placed about the room, and is very open to any and all religious beliefs. I talked to her for about an hour and felt much better, if not also a little emotionally raw, when I left her. She is the first therapist that I felt almost instantly comfortable with, and I think she will work well for me. After my session ended, I grabbed Taylor from the waiting room, and we went over to Jack in the Box for lunch, which we ate at my house. Then I took him back to the doll show, and waited with his grandparents and mother while he helped several of the women at the convention clean up and pack up their things. After it was over we went out to dinner at a nearby Bob's Big Boy with his mother and grandparents. I know his grandmother likes me, but I think his mom is finally getting used to me as she was really nice the entire time and was very friendly. She's even told me that I can call her Martha, which is very nice of her, but will take some getting used to. After dinner, we went back to my house and watched Doctor Who and cuddled on the couch. We wound up going to bed early as we were both exhausted. Unfortunately, I spent a decent amount of time tossing and turning because I was stressing over Sunday. After a bit I got up and spoke to my mom, which helped, before being able to crawl back into bed and finally pass out.

Sunday:

On Sunday I woke up at about 10ish, and spent much of the morning watching more Doctor Who with Taylor. Mom made pancakes, which were very good, and we relaxed a bit while we worked on finishing season two of Doctor Who. I spent most of the morning in a kind of anxious and depressed state though, as I was waiting to receive a call from my boss telling me when I needed to show up at the restaurant to work the party that night. She finally called at about noon, and I wisely didn't answer. I checked the message, and when I learned she wanted me there at 5pm, I was suddenly hit with another anxiety attack just as bad as the one I experienced on Tuesday. I immediately talked to my mother and to Taylor, which helped keep me from going into that mental state of being frozen and rocking back and forth like a completely insane person, and with their help made the decision to call back my boss and tell her I was unwell and therefore unable to make it to the party that night. I called her several times in an attempt to talk to her and explain, but wound up having to leave a message on her cell phone. I then called my therapist, and spent a good 30 minutes or so on the phone with her, which calmed me down a great deal. After that I went back to the couch and cuddled with Taylor while we continued watching Doctor Who. I waited anxiously for a good hour or two for my boss to return my call and yell at me, but she never did. Eventually I relaxed and was able to put the worry out of my mind for a bit, and enjoyed the rest of my day with my boyfriend. We spent the entire day watching Doctor Who, and managed to finish all of season two and the first three episodes of season three. Eventually though I had to take him home, though we waited as long as possible before making the drive back to Ventura, if only because it meant spending more time together. Eventually though it had to be done, and I took him home so that he could be on time to work the next morning. I managed to make the drive back safely in spite of the rain, and crawled into bed and passed out.

Ultimately, the major change that has taken place this weekend, is that I have decided to quit this job as soon as possible. I spent I good hour or so online on Sunday while watching Doctor Who, searching Craigslist for a new job and submitting my resume to anything that looked remotely decent. I am resolved to spend an hour online each night, regardless of when I get home, submitting my resume and searching for a new job. The moment I get even a hint of a possible new job, I am going to submit my two weeks notice here, and leave this place entirely. My mother has even offered to help me hunt for a job by searching craigslist for me when I'm working too late to do it myself.

Also, in an effort to speed up the process of moving out and becoming completely independent, I am focusing my job hunting efforts on Simi Valley, Thousand Oaks, and neighboring areas in Ventura County. Partially because both the job market and housing market out there seems to be much better than in LA, and mostly because I would really like to be closer to Taylor. While he is well worth the commute from Arcadia to Ventura and back a few times each week, it would be nice to live close enough to make it possible for me to visit after work during the week if I have a particularly bad day, or if he has a bad day, or if either of us just wants to see the other. Though I am not looking to move out as far as Ventura itself, if only because I am planning on getting this new job first, and commuting for a bit from Arcadia while I find an affordable place to live. Though looking in that area means that no matter what I do I will find a job that will have me getting up even earlier for work than I do now just to make it there on time, but I am willing to put up with an even worse daily commute than the one I have now if it means I am A) no longer working at my current job, and B) closer to my boyfriend.

So here is hoping that all of this goes well, and that I'm able to find a new job soon. This morning when I got into work I took advantage of my time alone in the office before anyone else arrived by cleaning out my desk and putting everything that belongs to me (not the company) into my bag, just in case my boss decides to fire me when she gets in today for not showing up to the party like I was supposed to last night. While I certainly hope that doesn't happen, if it does it would be good for me in the long run, and I'm preparing myself to handle it.

And I'm sorry for such a long entry, but one of the things that my new therapist and I agreed on in my initial session with her, is that this blog is an excellent means of venting for me, and one of the few ways I "self-medicate". So I am going to attempt to post more frequently for the next few weeks while I'm working all of this out, as doing so really does help. So please bear with me as I do so.
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