chances are i'm half awake - January 23rd, 2012

Time:

09:28 am

Hey there. Sorry for not updating here in ages.
January has been... incredible. It's been amazingly good, and terrifyingly painful, and it is taking quite some time to process but it's significant in every single moment. If you want to read about it it's all in glissando.
Now I'm just going to update here because I slept in again, Laurie was in my dream last night (I love you too), I have a lot of art homework to do today and I am really hoping tomorrow isn't a repeat of last Tuesday. I will do everything in my power to prevent that.
I get shoved off my feet sometimes so I realize how important it is to work on stabilizing my footing. I hit the ground so I realize how much it means to be able to stand up. That's what this past week has been. I just need to stop thinking about the pain so obsessively.
On that note here's some random questions.

Are you afraid of plane rides?
I used to be, before I actually got on one. Now I actually like them quite a bit, and of course Ed Harcourt does get his due thanks for that.

Don't you hate it when young girls try to act like sluts?
I don't use that word. Also, if they are 'trying' to act promiscuous, it's because that's how society tells them to act. I know, I see it everywhere. That's what needs to stop. Women are not objects.

Do you like unique or common names?
It doesn't matter, although I am quite partial to unusual ones. Really, I named my kid Xenophon. But it's a beautiful name!

Are you a moody person?
Not as much as I think I am? I only get emotional when I'm really low, or really up there. Otherwise I'm floating in the middle and I can be a little too emotionless sometimes.

Do you get invited to a lot of parties?
I don't think I've ever been legitimately invited to one! Which is actually good, as parties aren't my thing.

Do you have a pair of those nerdy glasses that everyone has been getting?
I have a pair of glasses that make me look like Jake English and David Tennant simultaneously, aw yeah.

Do you have a gay friend?
I am the gay friend, ironically, and it's kind of unsettling that people have this sort of mindset about it. I don't see how it has to be a thing.

What are you listening to?
Silence. I love it.

Are you racist?
I try not to be, but being raised in a racist household leaves some ugly unconscious reactions that I need to consciously scrub out.

How many hours do you think you could endure of listening to nothing but Sesame Street before you went bonkers?
Haha, I have no clue! Probably not much though. TV is not something I can deal with in large amounts.

Do you ever watch old cartoons / television shows from your childhood for nostalgic purposes?
Very, very rarely. I've been meaning to rewatch some Care Bears for style purposes-- I love that sugary 80s vibe-- but I just can't bring myself to sit and just watch a show for an hour unless I'm doing a report on it.

What is your view on letting infants watch television?
See above. TV is one of the most disorienting things I know, along with computers (which is why I actually don't like being on these things for so long). I don't think it should be done.

What is one thing that you would be embarrassed if the person you liked found out about you?
I can list a lot of things, but 'guilty' is the word you're looking for, and I feel far too much of that. Ironically I think Laurie knows everything about me anyway, somehow, don't ask me why... but I trust her.

What is your favorite thing that begins with the letter F?
Ferngully? Hey, I had the biggest squish on Batty for YEARS.

If you watched Sesame Street as a kid, who was your favorite Muppet? What about from The Muppet Show?
I don't remember who my favorite was? I do know that on The Muppet Show, my favorite was Janice but I was convinced she was actually a guy as a kid, so... that actually says a lot about me, haha.

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them?
I... actually can't remember if that was Chaos or Laurie. But both of them have seen me cry far too many times.

Is this the best year of your life?
Possibly. Probably. Last year was leading up to it, and last year was amazing, in its light and dark alike...

Is there anything you disliked about your last birthday?
The only thing I remember about my last birthday is my Hosea cake, which was awesome.

Do you have a Tumblr?
At least 5. I don't know what it is with me having multiple pages on everything.

Do you even use a house phone anymore?
All the time. Wireless phones give me headaches within twenty seconds, I'm dead serious.

Do/did you take food classes in high school?
My school didn't even offer those.

How are you when you're in a really good mood?
At the brink of unhinging, scarily enough.

Are you a workaholic?
Unavoidably so. I just info-dump constantly. I will sit and research for six hours straight and then wonder why it's already 2AM.

Would you cry if you found out one of your friends was pregnant?
No? But I wouldn't be able to talk about it because... triggers. I'm still not over them yet.

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
...I'm naive enough to think that no one could hurt anyone. So... yeah.

Have you burn yourself lately?
...No.

Are all your grandparents still alive?
Yeah, they're the only reason my family isn't on the streets.

Do you like your signature or is it sloppy and ugly?
It's starting to look like my dad's which is really interesting, and cool. My dad has amazing handwriting.
 
What do you think of when you look at your body during a shower?
I don't. I actually don't even shower anymore. I started getting triggered too badly.
 
Do you like roller coasters that go upside down?
I used to love them as a kid. Now I can't deal with amusement parks in general, go figure.

If you could change your eye color, what would it be?
Deep red, or white.

Are there any upcoming events you're looking forward to? 
My next therapy appointment. I'm... going to take Laurie's advice.

Have you tried to talk someone out of doing something they'll really regret?
...Yeah. I've had to talk a few people out of suicide... it's... I have a hard time relating to people.

When's the last time you wanted to physically hurt someone?
...Tuesday night.

Would you prefer a baby girl or boy? 
I've got both, ironically! Seriously, Xennie does not care what you call her.

The last person you kissed hates you. Why?
No idea, and the thought of either of them hating me is kind of terrifying. 

Is green your favorite color?
...No. I considered it once. I don't know if I could anymore.

I bet you miss somebody right now?
Just myself, paradoxically. I'm still thinking too much!

What are you doing tomorrow?
I have classes. That's all I know, I never plan things.

What's something you really want right now, be honest?
To be Nier. Yeah, really. I thought about that game yesterday and how it feels to play it, and really, I miss that..
 
Do you take pictures of yourself when you're bored?
Never. My own reflection is highly unsettling to me.

Have you ever spent an entire day in bed when you weren't sick or anything like that?
I can't remember the last time I did that? I know I did that for like a week in Utah, and something happened last year that made me do the same...

Do you feel embarrassed for others?
No, just guilty again, for no good reason. That needs to stop.

When is the last time you were at the hospital?
...Last January. I don't ever want to go back.

Sorry, that's all I can handle answering. I'm off to do my homework and enjoy this silence.
I'll also let go of this negative miasma, I promise! Laurie reminded me how, thank God.
See you all soon enough.

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