chances are i'm half awake - February 9th, 2012

Time:

12:19 pm

I've been burning myself out completely lately, so I took a huge dare and stayed home from classes today.
I am just too tired to go and sit through ten hours on campus again, not after how exhausted I was on Tuesday.
My plan is to work on Dream World all day today, both in art and typing. I'm taking a short break from The Beginning and skipping ahead to the original 1998 timeline (the old Part One), because now that I've fixed a great deal of the basic world information, I need to return to that old draft and fix it something fierce, haha. But it feels magical. For some reason the original draft has this vibe of absolute joy and adventure to it, no matter what I add to or take from it, and I adore it so. Yet another reason why I want to share this with people!
But that's enough talking. Let's get this thing over with, and then I'll jump straight into that.

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. But what was the question?
Uh... where is John Egbert?

Buttons or Knobs?
Buttons. Buttons are always cool.

What is a juggalo?
THIS GUY.

If you were going to write a short note to yourself and then put it away and read it in ten years, what would it say?
Haha, I already did. Every note I ever wrote to 'future me' essentially said "Are you still working on Dream World? You'd better be!" So yes, it's quite important that I do!

When someone does something that is wrong do you believe that they know in their hearts that they are wrong but they push it down into their subconscious and rationalize away their guilt? When have you done this (if you say never then you are doing it right now)?
I believe so, yes. And I have done this, because I was convinced that my conscience was malformed somehow, for no justifiable reason. I hurt myself-- and other people-- quite a lot when I was younger, because of this false belief. I had a lot of guilt and suppression to trudge through when my spiritual escapades started.

How can a person have sex with someone they don't love? Have YOU ever?
I cannot even comprehend that, and I don't want to. It's deeply disturbing. And no, I have never done that... at least... not willingly.

What are the paradoxes in your head (that is when you believe two conflicting things to be true)?
Hmm... I'd say it's the obvious one, that some part of me believes I'm a horrible person, while another part knows that to be entirely false. I'm learning to ignore the former, thankfully, but I'd say that's the best example. My 'dark' subconscious causes a lot of paradoxes in an attempt to drag me over to its lies.

What does each set of two words suggest to you?
pale gravity: Uh... Brago?
little mornings: My backyard, on a spring morning, after dewfall.
spiritual machines: I got a mental image of Hosea, AW YEAH
eccentric being: I'm seeing a Jewel Monster but I don't know who it is. Maybe Nebsy?
pray attention: A choir of helmeted angels, looking rather intimidating.
yellow lectures: A professor giving a lecture in a yellow room, which would be awful

What movie would be AWESOME in 3D?
I don't know, 3D hurts my eyes dude! Plus my bro and I both noticed, they kick up the 3D for the first 15 minutes or so, then usually slack off for the rest of the movie.

Why is it important to write and think clearly?
So you understand what you are truly communicating, I suppose. I know I have serious problems with this, especially verbally.

A girl and her boyfriend are hanging out. It is obvious they are together. Another guy schmoozes between them and starts hitting on the girl. The boyfriend tells this guy to back off. The guy just keeps bothering the girl. Do you think the boyfriend would be justified in hitting this intrusive guy?
I wouldn't hit him, but he is way out of line and needs to understand that.

A girl and her boyfriend are hanging out. It is obvious they are together. Another GIRL schmoozes between them and starts hitting on the first girl. The boyfriend tells this girl to back off. The girl just keeps bothering the first girl. Do you think the boyfriend would be justified in hitting this intrusive girl?
Same as above. Being that intrusive is way out of line, regardless of circumstance.

What do you think of the name Prue?
It's interesting, and I've actually never heard it before.

What would you spend your last dollar on?
Food, most likely.

Have you ever won an ebay auction? If yes for what?
Yeah, when I was younger I used to buy Celebi cards off eBay. Ironically now I'm trying to sell them all on the same site.

Would you like it if Blockbuster had a drivethrough?
Eh, can't say I would. I like actually taking time to see and think about what I'm renting.

When was the last time you taught someone something and what was it?
I'm not sure, actually. I don't really have 'teachable' skills as far as I'm aware.

Why do adults and teens not understand each other?
Ignorance on both parts, perhaps, and then you have the gap in culture awareness. My grandmother cannot understand much of what I talk about simply because she's never experienced and/or tried to understand such things.

Are you afraid?
I'm not. My shadow side is.

Do you trust large drug corporations? Do you trust the Food and Drug administration?
I honestly don't fully trust either of them anymore. It creeps me out.

If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound? Do you define sound as sound waves or as the reaction between the soundwaves and your ears?
It makes a vibration is what it does. And I define sound as sound waves, so.

Four of the five senses are routed through a special area to the brain. One sense goes right to the brain and so is a powerful sense involved with memory and emotion. Which sense do you feel this is?
I actually looked it up, and it's the olfactory response. I never would have guessed, because I don't pay much attention to my sense of smell at all, haha. Go figure. Maybe it's subconscious for me?

Are you on a ship of fools or a carousel?
I'm on a carousel, and I got on early so I nabbed the awesome gilded seahorse before someone else could, hahaha.

What is your bathing suit like?
I don't have one, and haven't worn one in many years. I won't willingly wear one again until after I transition, probably.

Whose line is it, anyway?
Colin Mochrie's, obviously.

To be or not to be. That is the question. What is the answer?
To be, always.

Does beauty exist as a defineable standard or is beauty in the eyes of the beholder?
I think beauty is inherent in all things? So its realization would be in the eyes of the beholder.
Why do you think it is that so many people have the same idea of who and what is beautiful?
Well part of it is definitely cultural, but I think beauty is more obvious a trait in some things than others, like music and nature.
Where do your standards for judging beauty come from?
Hm... I'm not sure! I do like seeing beauty in everything

What is the first thing you would do if you saw a nuclear explosion in the distance?
Get to shelter, then check if I'm just having another apocalyptic dream, haha.

Would you like to be cryogenically frozen?
Nope, I'd rather just life my time out.

Think of the person you love the most. Would you be willing to murder a stranger in order to save that person's life? Why or why not?
No, I can't and wouldn't. Murder is never justified, and someone loves that stranger too.

Imagine no possetions. I wonder if you can?
Yeah. I would actually prefer that, I think. I'd like to give it a shot.

How messed up is:
your hair? Pretty messed up at the moment, as I'm half-bleaching it again.
your room? I don't have a room, but I do preside over this hallway, and it is quite a mess.
your car? I don't have a car, but if I did, I guarantee you it would be pristine!
your life? If it is a mess, it's a glorious one.

What are you running out of?
Money!

What do you live for?
Love, really. Love, truth, light, and all that stuff.

How did you decide it was worth living for?
It's all I ever wanted to live for, and I saw no reason to ever change my mind.

By what criteria do you judge others?
I try not to judge, period.

Do you look at people's words and actions or the underlying reasons for those words and actions?
That varies a little. I tend to take words and actions at face value unless they upset me, in which case I will try to understand what they're really saying beyond simple words.

Do you fight for your rights?
Not as much as I should. I've been too much of a victim in the past, I think.

Would you rather be a construction worker or a crossing guard?
Hm, probably a construction worker actually. I love working with my hands, and I don't get to exert myself enough on a daily basis.

What is enough to satisfy you in life?
Honestly? Being able to work on my 'stories,' like Dream World of course. As a kid that was honestly all I needed to be happy, period. Now I understand that I can easily be happy even without them, but if I could, I'd like to hold on to them for as long as I live.

Do you think you have more, less, or average life experience for your age?
Less, at least in this sense. I have above average self-awareness, but I am clueless when it comes to outside awareness most days!

Why go to college? Have you considered joining a cult instead?
Pfahaha, nah, cults don't interest me. I go to college to learn, and because the atmosphere is pretty cool.

What's the last lie you told?
I've only been lying by omission lately and I can't stand it.So I'm starting to just spit out truths whether I like it or not.

You are having a party and can invite three celebrities of your choice. The WILL come. Who do you invite?
Johnny Depp, Sigourney Weaver, and Robert Downey Jr. They are all totally awesome. Also, my brother agrees with me that Rob is inexplicably adorable in some way? He is!

Where did you come from?
Exploding stars!
Where are you now?
On a planet called Earth!
Where are you going?
Who knows? But it'll be fun!

What would you imagine the playboy mansion is like?
Uh... full of bunnies? *shot*

Do you blow your nose loudly in public?
I never blow my nose in public, because it is invariably loud.

Do you help others every day?
I sure try to. I have been slacking off lately though, because I realized I need some serious help right now too.

Is it lonely being alone in your head?
Are you kidding? When have I ever been alone up here?

What is the worst poverty you have ever seen?
Personally? I've seen enough people living on the streets locally, and I've seen enough families scraping by a living in dilapidated homes, to realize that there is a big problem in how our system is running. And I know it's far worse elsewhere...

Has anyone ever told you that more than 2 billion people live on less than two dollars a day? What do you think of that?
It's incredibly upsetting, even more so when you realize that money is only 'money' because we say it is. Otherwise it's just paper and metal. So these people are suffering for a pretty ridiculous reason... why can't we all just help each other out here, seriously?

Be honest... do you generally listen or wait for your turn to talk?
I do, unless the conversation is veering off topic. Then I might jump in to steer it back. However I will admit that I am not as good a listener as I'd like to be.

How many fingers do you type with?
I used to type with two. Now I type with about six? Hilariously enough it's made me very bad at spelling things correctly when I type, haha.

What does 'you think you know but you have no idea' mean? Where did it come from as a common phrase?
It means just what it says! We think we know something, but truly we don't. I don't know where it originated from though.

What has completely moved you?
Love, at the risk of repeating that word! But it's true. Ultimately that single force has driven my life along.

What happens to socks when they disappear in the drier?
They get eaten my the sock monster... who lives in the drier. Obviously. He needs to eat too.

True or false - All homophobes are inherently evil.:
False. I used to be one, when I was younger, because I didn't know any better. I didn't understand why I believed that, but I had been told to, so I did...

Is there anything, besides love, that money can't buy?
There are many, many things that money can't buy. Joy is one, talent is another.

How is your soul?
Still shining bright!

What are you committed to?
Improving myself as a person, to the point where I will help brighten the world.

Are you photogenic?
I've been told that I am, but I don't see it at all.

Why aren't you naked (or are you)?
Because there are other people home, and because I'm still uncomfortable with my current biology!

Do you think anyone is all good or all evil?
Nope. We're all a wonderful mix of both, and we can choose which one we wish to focus on.

Try this..write a list of six possibilities of things you could do after you are off the computer. Make sure that at lease ONE thing is something you would be unlikely to ever do.
1. Start tackling the questions in Dream World: Part Zero immediately
2. Finish at least one E*Girl fusion theme, preferably Estelle's or Yvonne's
3. Draw something
4. Exercise for at least an hour
5. Go chill out with Ryman and Markus like old times
6. Write that entry in glissando about the past week or so (I don't want to do this right now, it'll wear me out again)

Now grab a dice (if you have none ask someone to pick a number between 1 and 6) and decide what you will do by flipping it. Then do it!
Tossing the dice, and I got... four, haha, that is awesome. I shall do it!

How old are you?
Almost 22, in Earth years.
What age do you feel mentally?
Uh... twelve? I always say twelve because the mindset I had at that time never went away.
emotionally?
How do you judge emotional age? I feel ancient!
spiritually?
I'm not sure. Young and old, at the same time.

Do you kiss on the first date?
Never! I didn't even kiss Ryman until two years after we got together!

Who deserves an apology?
Melody, I suppose. I've really been giving her the runaround with this problem of mine and I feel very bad about it.

Is your face clear?
It was for a long time, then stress gave me one tiny breakout yesterday. But now we're cool!

Is your game on?
No, I haven't played the XBox in months. Maybe I should, while I exercise... hm!

What would a song for the deaf be like? How about a painting for the blind?
Deaf people can still feel vibrations, and I've read that colors can be 'felt,' not just seen... so something really beautiful can result from these criteria, actually. I'd like to try that.

What is a sure-fire way to get noticed?
Take a chance, and get yourself out there-- someone will notice you!

And now I'm off to exercise, obviously! But I will work on Dream World after that, promise.
I am glad I took a day off today. I needed to recharge so badly, this is almost funny.
However I just remembered that I haven't eaten yet today, so I should really go do that!
See you all soon enough.

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