chances are i'm half awake

spinningcannon @ 2012-02-09T12:19:00

2012-02-09T16:30:51Z

I've been burning myself out completely lately, so I took a huge dare and stayed home from classes today.
I am just too tired to go and sit through ten hours on campus again, not after how exhausted I was on Tuesday.
My plan is to work on Dream World all day today, both in art and typing. I'm taking a short break from The Beginning and skipping ahead to the original 1998 timeline (the old Part One), because now that I've fixed a great deal of the basic world information, I need to return to that old draft and fix it something fierce, haha. But it feels magical. For some reason the original draft has this vibe of absolute joy and adventure to it, no matter what I add to or take from it, and I adore it so. Yet another reason why I want to share this with people!
But that's enough talking. Let's get this thing over with, and then I'll jump straight into that.

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. But what was the question?
Uh... where is John Egbert?

Buttons or Knobs?
Buttons. Buttons are always cool.

What is a juggalo?
THIS GUY.

If you were going to write a short note to yourself and then put it away and read it in ten years, what would it say?
Haha, I already did. Every note I ever wrote to 'future me' essentially said "Are you still working on Dream World? You'd better be!" So yes, it's quite important that I do!

When someone does something that is wrong do you believe that they know in their hearts that they are wrong but they push it down into their subconscious and rationalize away their guilt? When have you done this (if you say never then you are doing it right now)?
I believe so, yes. And I have done this, because I was convinced that my conscience was malformed somehow, for no justifiable reason. I hurt myself-- and other people-- quite a lot when I was younger, because of this false belief. I had a lot of guilt and suppression to trudge through when my spiritual escapades started.

How can a person have sex with someone they don't love? Have YOU ever?
I cannot even comprehend that, and I don't want to. It's deeply disturbing. And no, I have never done that... at least... not willingly.

What are the paradoxes in your head (that is when you believe two conflicting things to be true)?
Hmm... I'd say it's the obvious one, that some part of me believes I'm a horrible person, while another part knows that to be entirely false. I'm learning to ignore the former, thankfully, but I'd say that's the best example. My 'dark' subconscious causes a lot of paradoxes in an attempt to drag me over to its lies.

What does each set of two words suggest to you?
pale gravity: Uh... Brago?
little mornings: My backyard, on a spring morning, after dewfall.
spiritual machines: I got a mental image of Hosea, AW YEAH
eccentric being: I'm seeing a Jewel Monster but I don't know who it is. Maybe Nebsy?
pray attention: A choir of helmeted angels, looking rather intimidating.
yellow lectures: A professor giving a lecture in a yellow room, which would be awful

What movie would be AWESOME in 3D?
I don't know, 3D hurts my eyes dude! Plus my bro and I both noticed, they kick up the 3D for the first 15 minutes or so, then usually slack off for the rest of the movie.

Why is it important to write and think clearly?
So you understand what you are truly communicating, I suppose. I know I have serious problems with this, especially verbally.

A girl and her boyfriend are hanging out. It is obvious they are together. Another guy schmoozes between them and starts hitting on the girl. The boyfriend tells this guy to back off. The guy just keeps bothering the girl. Do you think the boyfriend would be justified in hitting this intrusive guy?
I wouldn't hit him, but he is way out of line and needs to understand that.

A girl and her boyfriend are hanging out. It is obvious they are together. Another GIRL schmoozes between them and starts hitting on the first girl. The boyfriend tells this girl to back off. The girl just keeps bothering the first girl. Do you think the boyfriend would be justified in hitting this intrusive girl?
Same as above. Being that intrusive is way out of line, regardless of circumstance.

What do you think of the name Prue?
It's interesting, and I've actually never heard it before.

What would you spend your last dollar on?
Food, most likely.

Have you ever won an ebay auction? If yes for what?
Yeah, when I was younger I used to buy Celebi cards off eBay. Ironically now I'm trying to sell them all on the same site.

Would you like it if Blockbuster had a drivethrough?
Eh, can't say I would. I like actually taking time to see and think about what I'm renting.

When was the last time you taught someone something and what was it?
I'm not sure, actually. I don't really have 'teachable' skills as far as I'm aware.

Why do adults and teens not understand each other?
Ignorance on both parts, perhaps, and then you have the gap in culture awareness. My grandmother cannot understand much of what I talk about simply because she's never experienced and/or tried to understand such things.

Are you afraid?
I'm not. My shadow side is.

Do you trust large drug corporations? Do you trust the Food and Drug administration?
I honestly don't fully trust either of them anymore. It creeps me out.

If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound? Do you define sound as sound waves or as the reaction between the soundwaves and your ears?
It makes a vibration is what it does. And I define sound as sound waves, so.

Four of the five senses are routed through a special area to the brain. One sense goes right to the brain and so is a powerful sense involved with memory and emotion. Which sense do you feel this is?
I actually looked it up, and it's the olfactory response. I never would have guessed, because I don't pay much attention to my sense of smell at all, haha. Go figure. Maybe it's subconscious for me?

Are you on a ship of fools or a carousel?
I'm on a carousel, and I got on early so I nabbed the awesome gilded seahorse before someone else could, hahaha.

What is your bathing suit like?
I don't have one, and haven't worn one in many years. I won't willingly wear one again until after I transition, probably.

Whose line is it, anyway?
Colin Mochrie's, obviously.

To be or not to be. That is the question. What is the answer?
To be, always.

Does beauty exist as a defineable standard or is beauty in the eyes of the beholder?
I think beauty is inherent in all things? So its realization would be in the eyes of the beholder.
Why do you think it is that so many people have the same idea of who and what is beautiful?
Well part of it is definitely cultural, but I think beauty is more obvious a trait in some things than others, like music and nature.
Where do your standards for judging beauty come from?
Hm... I'm not sure! I do like seeing beauty in everything

What is the first thing you would do if you saw a nuclear explosion in the distance?
Get to shelter, then check if I'm just having another apocalyptic dream, haha.

Would you like to be cryogenically frozen?
Nope, I'd rather just life my time out.

Think of the person you love the most. Would you be willing to murder a stranger in order to save that person's life? Why or why not?
No, I can't and wouldn't. Murder is never justified, and someone loves that stranger too.

Imagine no possetions. I wonder if you can?
Yeah. I would actually prefer that, I think. I'd like to give it a shot.

How messed up is:
your hair? Pretty messed up at the moment, as I'm half-bleaching it again.
your room? I don't have a room, but I do preside over this hallway, and it is quite a mess.
your car? I don't have a car, but if I did, I guarantee you it would be pristine!
your life? If it is a mess, it's a glorious one.

What are you running out of?
Money!

What do you live for?
Love, really. Love, truth, light, and all that stuff.

How did you decide it was worth living for?
It's all I ever wanted to live for, and I saw no reason to ever change my mind.

By what criteria do you judge others?
I try not to judge, period.

Do you look at people's words and actions or the underlying reasons for those words and actions?
That varies a little. I tend to take words and actions at face value unless they upset me, in which case I will try to understand what they're really saying beyond simple words.

Do you fight for your rights?
Not as much as I should. I've been too much of a victim in the past, I think.

Would you rather be a construction worker or a crossing guard?
Hm, probably a construction worker actually. I love working with my hands, and I don't get to exert myself enough on a daily basis.

What is enough to satisfy you in life?
Honestly? Being able to work on my 'stories,' like Dream World of course. As a kid that was honestly all I needed to be happy, period. Now I understand that I can easily be happy even without them, but if I could, I'd like to hold on to them for as long as I live.

Do you think you have more, less, or average life experience for your age?
Less, at least in this sense. I have above average self-awareness, but I am clueless when it comes to outside awareness most days!

Why go to college? Have you considered joining a cult instead?
Pfahaha, nah, cults don't interest me. I go to college to learn, and because the atmosphere is pretty cool.

What's the last lie you told?
I've only been lying by omission lately and I can't stand it.So I'm starting to just spit out truths whether I like it or not.

You are having a party and can invite three celebrities of your choice. The WILL come. Who do you invite?
Johnny Depp, Sigourney Weaver, and Robert Downey Jr. They are all totally awesome. Also, my brother agrees with me that Rob is inexplicably adorable in some way? He is!

Where did you come from?
Exploding stars!
Where are you now?
On a planet called Earth!
Where are you going?
Who knows? But it'll be fun!

What would you imagine the playboy mansion is like?
Uh... full of bunnies? *shot*

Do you blow your nose loudly in public?
I never blow my nose in public, because it is invariably loud.

Do you help others every day?
I sure try to. I have been slacking off lately though, because I realized I need some serious help right now too.

Is it lonely being alone in your head?
Are you kidding? When have I ever been alone up here?

What is the worst poverty you have ever seen?
Personally? I've seen enough people living on the streets locally, and I've seen enough families scraping by a living in dilapidated homes, to realize that there is a big problem in how our system is running. And I know it's far worse elsewhere...

Has anyone ever told you that more than 2 billion people live on less than two dollars a day? What do you think of that?
It's incredibly upsetting, even more so when you realize that money is only 'money' because we say it is. Otherwise it's just paper and metal. So these people are suffering for a pretty ridiculous reason... why can't we all just help each other out here, seriously?

Be honest... do you generally listen or wait for your turn to talk?
I do, unless the conversation is veering off topic. Then I might jump in to steer it back. However I will admit that I am not as good a listener as I'd like to be.

How many fingers do you type with?
I used to type with two. Now I type with about six? Hilariously enough it's made me very bad at spelling things correctly when I type, haha.

What does 'you think you know but you have no idea' mean? Where did it come from as a common phrase?
It means just what it says! We think we know something, but truly we don't. I don't know where it originated from though.

What has completely moved you?
Love, at the risk of repeating that word! But it's true. Ultimately that single force has driven my life along.

What happens to socks when they disappear in the drier?
They get eaten my the sock monster... who lives in the drier. Obviously. He needs to eat too.

True or false - All homophobes are inherently evil.:
False. I used to be one, when I was younger, because I didn't know any better. I didn't understand why I believed that, but I had been told to, so I did...

Is there anything, besides love, that money can't buy?
There are many, many things that money can't buy. Joy is one, talent is another.

How is your soul?
Still shining bright!

What are you committed to?
Improving myself as a person, to the point where I will help brighten the world.

Are you photogenic?
I've been told that I am, but I don't see it at all.

Why aren't you naked (or are you)?
Because there are other people home, and because I'm still uncomfortable with my current biology!

Do you think anyone is all good or all evil?
Nope. We're all a wonderful mix of both, and we can choose which one we wish to focus on.

Try this..write a list of six possibilities of things you could do after you are off the computer. Make sure that at lease ONE thing is something you would be unlikely to ever do.
1. Start tackling the questions in Dream World: Part Zero immediately
2. Finish at least one E*Girl fusion theme, preferably Estelle's or Yvonne's
3. Draw something
4. Exercise for at least an hour
5. Go chill out with Ryman and Markus like old times
6. Write that entry in glissando about the past week or so (I don't want to do this right now, it'll wear me out again)

Now grab a dice (if you have none ask someone to pick a number between 1 and 6) and decide what you will do by flipping it. Then do it!
Tossing the dice, and I got... four, haha, that is awesome. I shall do it!

How old are you?
Almost 22, in Earth years.
What age do you feel mentally?
Uh... twelve? I always say twelve because the mindset I had at that time never went away.
emotionally?
How do you judge emotional age? I feel ancient!
spiritually?
I'm not sure. Young and old, at the same time.

Do you kiss on the first date?
Never! I didn't even kiss Ryman until two years after we got together!

Who deserves an apology?
Melody, I suppose. I've really been giving her the runaround with this problem of mine and I feel very bad about it.

Is your face clear?
It was for a long time, then stress gave me one tiny breakout yesterday. But now we're cool!

Is your game on?
No, I haven't played the XBox in months. Maybe I should, while I exercise... hm!

What would a song for the deaf be like? How about a painting for the blind?
Deaf people can still feel vibrations, and I've read that colors can be 'felt,' not just seen... so something really beautiful can result from these criteria, actually. I'd like to try that.

What is a sure-fire way to get noticed?
Take a chance, and get yourself out there-- someone will notice you!

And now I'm off to exercise, obviously! But I will work on Dream World after that, promise.
I am glad I took a day off today. I needed to recharge so badly, this is almost funny.
However I just remembered that I haven't eaten yet today, so I should really go do that!
See you all soon enough.

spinningcannon @ 2012-02-08T13:23:00

2012-02-08T23:18:23Z

I am completely at peace with myself, and where I am.
I hold no negativity towards myself, even with the inner horrors that still insist on plaguing me.
So why is it that, whenever I speak to others about this, I feel I should apologize?
Why do I always feel that I am an abomination, by virtue of honesty?
I've been told that my bright eyes will be the death of me.
I can't even imagine how that could be true. This world makes so little sense sometimes.

I'm updating here because I need to focus on something else for a while.
Then I'll focus on nothing at all, which is where I'm most welcome.

What does 'equal' mean?
It means being 'the same as,' or balanced with, or similar to.

Do you believe in the phrase 'all men are created equal'? What about woman?
We're all equal, it's common sense. I always believed that, and it baffles me how we still act in opposition to this.

Have all persons been specifically 'created'?
I guess? It's hard to express. We all have roles and reasons, no matter how brief or small.

Are all persons exactly equal? Or do they just have equal rights (in theory)?
See, by my definition those two questions are the same, and the answer is yes. I'm not sure what else you're asking.

Does art reflect society or does society reflect art?
I think those are both potentially true.

Are you living under a little black raincloud or a ray of sunshine?
Both? It feels weird picking just one or the other.

What do you wonder about?
World-building... and by extension, the nature of the reality I live in.

What is better..being single and free or being in love and responsible to another person?
Being single and free. It's why I have open relationships; no matter how deeply I love someone, being 'tied to them' exclusively feels really weird.

What vitamins do you take?
None. Maybe I should, but I'm still iffy about the stuff we buy.

In checkers...red or black?
Red, obviously!

Do you wear all black frequently?
I used to, for 'passing' reasons. So I have a lot of black in my closet still, but I don't wear it anymore. It's too dark!

Do you ever call yourself a poet, artist, or musician?
Yes, although I will admit I'm tired of those labels. I feel people hold me to a certain 'stereotype' or 'standard' under those terms.

Has your writing been published, your art been hung in a gallery or your band been signed?
I've had some poetry published as a kid, my art's never been in a gallery, and I'm a solo artist that doesn't compose often enough to be signed.

Does it matter?
Nope. I create to express something bigger. I taught myself to write and draw and compose simply to give form to what I saw and felt and heard in my dreams, in my heart. That's all it's ever been about for me, and I'm happy with that.

When insects get into your house, do you kill them or catch them and take them ouside or leave them alone and let them live with you?
I take them outside if possible. I love bugs; I could never squash them.

Name at least one person who's birthday is in:
Jan.- Lynne, on the 8th.
Feb.- Chaos, on the 12th... well, halfway. His real birthday is in July.
Mar.- Xenophon, on the 13th! She turns one this year.
Apr.- Leon, on the 18th.
May- Me, on the 7th.
June- Pagotamiar, from Dream World, on the 11th! He's awesome.
July- Genesis, on the 4th.
Aug.- Josephina, on the 13th.
Sept- Laurie, on the 4th.
Oct- JEM GODFREY ON THE 6TH
Nov- Natalie, on the 18th.
Dec- Azurai, also from Dream World, on the 16th.

Which would you consider to be a worse criminal: a pedophile or a necrophile?
Definitely a pedophile; you're hurting innocent children who will be scarred by your actions.
What if it was between a pedophile, a necrophile and a murderer?
Tie between a pedophile and a murderer, I would suppose.

Do we start to die the day we are born or start to live the day we die?
Haha, it goes on longer than we think in both directions.

Have you ever called your mom or dad a four letter word?
Not that I know of, although my mother has been around during some of my old splinter slips, so it might have happened..

Do you believe america should go to war with iraq?
No. War is ridiculous; I think it's being used as nothing but a distraction and fear tactic right now.

Is there something beautiful and special about everyone?
I think so, even if it's just a general thing. Life is fascinating to me, in all forms. Also... we judge too quickly, too superficially. If we look past that, it's so easy to see that beauty in all things and people.

Do you like sushi?
Sushi is good I had some seriously fancy sushi in Utah, which was brilliant.

What mood are you in?
A good one. I'm feeling more 'expansive' than anything right now.
What does your mood depend on?
My mood is what I choose it to be.
What depends on your mood?
How I respond to things, basically.

What is faith?
Faith is a strong trust in something, usually in a religious sense.
What is common sense?
'Practical knowledge,' which may actually be flawed! Just because something is 'common' doesn't mean it's correct.
Do you have either or both of them?
You can easily have either or both.

Is perfection or imperfection more beautiful?
What if imperfection was perfection? What if perfection is imperfect? Take things as they are, that's what really matters.

Do you think that song lyrics are poems with music?
Sometimes, especially when they get creative. For example, the lyrics to Of Montreal's new album (Paralytic Trees) are all strangely poetic in their own right.

In cases of rape which do you think is more of a crime: a stranger rapes a girl, OR a girl's boyfriend rapes her?
It's rape regardless of circumstance. They're both equal crimes.

Did you know that in the USA it is considered to be LESS of a crime if a rapist knows the victim (because it is 'less of a crime' the rapist gets a less severe punishment)? Do you agree or disagree and why?
Are you serious? I can disagree from experience. Our country's entire blame-the-victim view of rape is absolutely sickening.

Have you ever been trapped in an elevator?
I thought I was, twice. Once was in a hotel when I was about 12, and it's what sparked my claustrophobia for the next several years. The second time was in a hospital a year or so later (their elevators were ancient), which just made that fear worse!

What is more important, tact or honesty?
Honesty. Apparently I'm a good example of this... I've been criticized for being 'too honest,' which I don't understand.

Do you have a mentor? Who?
If Laurie counts, then yes!

Would you rather have a 'bad' guy/girl (motorcycles, smokes, drinks, etc) or a 'good' guy/girl (family, domesticated, nice guy)?
Would you rather have a virgin or a more experienced guy/girl?
Nice virgins of both genders, please. It's not like I'm going to be doing anything with them.

Do you feel nervous in crowds?
Not 'nervous,' just very drained and overwhelmed. It's too much sensory information.

Did you write a real entry today? What about? Was it your best writing?
I was going to. Then I took one look at the amount I had to write about, and one look at the homework I have to finish for tomorrow, and decided otherwise. Sorry!

If you were making a 'best of' entry about your BEST entries ever what would be your top 5 best entries?
Oh wow, uh... let's be different and choose the best ones prior to 2011. Last year was just entirely beautiful. So for this I'm judging by style, emotional impact, and personal significance in conjunction with that. Oh, and no Xanga sessions either, because I love every single one of those.
In that sense, my best entries would definitely be these...
"the last secret" (september 16th 2008)
"red noise" (september 12th 2009)
"seventy-four" (july 2nd 2010)
"i never needed a chandelier" (october 26th 2010)
"never before and forever again" (october 27th 2010)

Why did you choose to live one more day?
Because even in my darkest moments, even when I felt I was an irredeemable sinner with innocent blood on my hands, there were still people in my life who saw the truth. There were still people who knew who I was beneath the tar and shadows, and who loved me through it all. They are the reason I kept breathing.

What is the most beautiful myth you have ever read/heard?
The ancient myth of Chaos and Love. It... quite honestly changed my life perspective.

Have you ever been stood up?
No, uh... I've been the guy standing other people up. I'm not proud of it, but I would ditch 'dates' all the time because my self-esteem was too abysmal to say 'no, I'm not interested in you whatsoever.' Go figure.

What's the most interesting assignment you ever had in school?
In 6th grade we had to write a short story to be made into a 'book,' which we'd actually get a bound copy of. As a result I wrote a quick Dream World 'extended universe' story, and it turned out being incredibly important to the series as a whole. Go figure!

Do you feel:
insignificant? Not anymore.
unable to evoke change? Sometimes, I'll admit it. I know I can influence, but... it all boils down to free will, and whether or not others will listen. So I know I have as much potential as everyone else does, but the doubt eats at me some days.
like one person can't change the world? See above. I know this is true, but it's never just one person in the end, is it? Then again, that one person was the spark that started the fire, so...
like one life and one person's suffering doesn't mean very much? Not anymore, thank God. Everything resonates. I guess that's what I have to keep in mind, ultimately.

Do you feel like you could contribute as much to society as ____ has?
Albert Einstein: Maybe. I mean he didn't start off great either. It's kind of inspiring.
Abe Lincoln: If I ever rose to such a prominent position, who knows?
Franz Kafka: I don't know much about the guy, so I can't talk.
Jesus Christ: Oh geez, no way. That's out of my league.

Are you aware that your brain is the same size as Albert Einstein's brain?
Do you realize that you have the same number of hours in a day as Abraham Lincoln?
Did you know that Franz Kafka wrote all of his amazing litterature during his lunchbreaks at work?
Did you know that we are all made of matter and that you are made of the Same Thing that Jesus was made of?
Do you still believe that you couldn't contribute as much to society as they did?
...Okay, that was brilliant, and some part of me really needed to be reminded of that. Thank you.

Is your mind in the gutter?
No, but the tar lives there, and it keeps biting at my heels. I'm staying away from it because that's scary stuff.

What do you have to complain about?
Uh... I could list a few things but the good things cancel them out, really. So I'm very thankful for that.

Is there such a thing as a food that you burn more calories from digesting than you actually absorb from it?
Probably.

What are you doing, Dave?
I can't let you do that, Dave. It's not ironic enough. *ba-dum-tsssh*

As far as love goes do you feel it is better to become complete before looking for someone or find someone who completes you?
Never look for someone else to complete you, it can't happen. You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. It sounds cliched, but it is the truth, and it is very difficult for some. It was for me...

What attracts you about the opposite sex (or same sex, or both sexes)?
*Nathan Explosion voice* NOTHING! No seriously, I'm ace, I'm not 'attracted' to people that way. However, I will admit that I have such an awful weakness for sharp teeth and funky eyes. Chaos and Genesis are perfect examples, of course.

Do you need people or do you not need anyone?
I'm not sure anymore. I say I don't need anyone but I do love my central group, more than I can stand sometimes. And I have been told that I need to stop being so closed-off to people. Still... ultimately I don't 'need' anyone, I suppose.

Is selfishness always bad? Is selflessness always good?
There's a fine line between 'taking care of yourself' and 'acknowledging your own needs,' and letting those two things get in the way of your relationships with others.

Do you feel like your life is being controlled by a power structure?
Nope, I have the ultimate say in how things affect me. Ironically, I can therefore 'choose' to be controlled, and I don't want that but the mind is a tricky thing.

Can you name three things in society that send the message that being completely yourself and that looking inside yourself and contemplating what's within is a good thing?
Not specifically, but to me a lot of kids shows had that message? It was always about 'being true to yourself,' things like that. We need more of that, and I'm working on it!
Can you name three things in society that send the message that materialism and the accumulation of stuff is a good thing?
Turn on the TV, I'm sure that message will show its ugly face soon enough.

What is more important, a picture or its frame?
The picture of course, although the frame is important too-- it can add to the beauty of the picture, or take away from it.
What is more important, spirituality or religion?
I believe the most important thing is finding your own path, and following it in open-minded sincerity... from my own experience, religion did make it hard for me to do that. I always felt I was objectively wrong, and I'm still trying to get over that.

Do you rationalize often?
I think I rationalize too often and too coldly, to the point of missing the point entirely.

Do you have more internet or real life friends?
I only started making 'real friends' once I discovered the internet.

What's an easy way to make money?
You tell me, I'm trying to figure that out. Easy isn't always synonymous with safe, though.

What's your favorite slang word and what does it mean?
I say "dude" far too often. Lately I've also been calling things "wicked cool," which I find funny.

Are you uncomfortable?
At the moment? Yeah. My body is trying to shut down again and I'm in a lot of pain.

Is anything definite besides death and taxes?
Well, for one, death and life are both constants in a way.

Would you rather live fast and die young or live slow and die old?
Uh... no idea? Can I just live with all the freakish ups and downs I have now, and die whenever the time is right?

Can you name 4 people who have committed crimes against humanity? How do you think they live with themselves?
I think a lot of the people who committed said 'crimes' didn't see them as 'crimes,' personally... and that thought is really terrifying.

If you could imagine, pure fantasy, any God you could concieve, how would you want God to be?
Just love, pure love.

Have you ever heard of the USA patriotism act? Apparently they have passed laws making torture legal. Also the FBI can sneak and peek into ANYONE'S home. They don't have to ask or even tell you they were there. This is already the law. So, whaddaya think?
Power is badly abused in this world, and that needs to stop. I need to read up on this more.

The people in power step all over the average citizen, trying to secure all the power and money for themselves and leave us with no rights and under their control. They have the audacity to do this because they know that we will not lift a finger to stop them. Are they right?
It's because we think we're powerless. We think "oh, someone else will do something about it," or "nothing I do will make a difference." And in fact I think our inaction and fear is the only thing keeping us stuck like this...

The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S. to secure there a free society. They will accomplish this by first reforming state law, opting out of federal mandates, and finally negotiating directly with the federal government for appropriate political autonomy. They want to be a community of freedom-loving individuals and families, and want to create a shining example of liberty for the rest of the nation and the world. What's your opinion? Could this work? Why or why not?
No opinion yet, because I am uneducated on this topic. As a result I will leave this here to refer back to.

Have you ever seen the Neverending Story?
No, because Falcor scared the crap out of me as a kid. Long necks = stay away from lil' me.
Remember when Bastian has to prove his worth by looking in that mirror where you see yourself the way you really are with no pretenses, rationalizations or mental lying?
Could you stand yourself if you looked into that mirror?
Yes. And I think I need to find this mirror, for my own sanity's sake.

What are you proud that you have never done?
I never let the tar win. I can see that now.

What things are hopeless?
Nothing is ever truly hopeless, I've realized this. The hope just may be different than you thought.

What are people for?
Dare I quote Doctor Manhattan again? I always think of his quote about life, rarer than a quark, when I hear questions like this...

What book do you feel could change someone's life?
Well The Power Of Now sure helped change mine. But fiction-wise? I'm not sure! Although Young Wizards and The Giver both stuck with me for a very long time.

In what ways are you lucky?
Heh... does luck really matter? What happened, has happened... and if my blessings count as luck, then maybe I'm the luckiest man in the world... but I know it's more than that. Thank you.

I think I'm at the edge of learning something significant again. We'll see.
As of now I am completely burnt out so I bid you good day.

spinningcannon @ 2012-02-05T09:53:00

2012-02-05T17:22:46Z

I'm still completely in an emotional whirlwind from the past week.
It's hilariously tragic. I've been so busy with that, so vitally engaged in these recent events, that I have been falling behind in schoolwork and commissions, I haven't been sleeping well, I've been forgetting to eat, and I'm wearing myself out entirely. Nevertheless, I have no regrets about this at all, because it is so strangely gorgeous and I have learned so much.
But I do need to work with moderation a little more. And that's an interesting little related topic too.
I've been losing all my motivation for things unrelated to my direct inner life, because "spiritual progress is all that matters" etc etc etc. And I am forgetting that this 'progress' doesn't just apply to my upstairs life. It applies just as strongly to my work, to my daily life.
I haven't been typing or drawing either, even with Hosea nagging me all week, even with Delphi showing up when I least expect it, even with Isabelle and Monika and Volt stopping by here and there, noticing I'm preoccupied, and wandering away. Even with how desperately my heart misses Preludove and Hissiamese and Vezerai, and even though I went out of my way to talk to Justice yesterday, I still find myself forgetting to type their histories for weeks at a time... why? Why does some part of me insist that it doesn't matter? I know it's a lie. I know it's a lie, but I'm the only one who knows...
And, despite feeling like I've 'abandoned' my downstairs life in some respect, I still feel I'm stretching myself too thin here. I take on every responsibility that comes at me, because they look so small, but then I realize that when you have this many of them they become pretty big as a whole. So I'm suffocating under this mountain of obligation and I'm confused as to whether I'm just too weak to breathe or if I really should try to lighten the burden a little? I can't tell, not yet, and that stings.

Even so my responsibilities upstairs have not faded. If anything, they have increased greatly, yet again.
There are two people I miss very much that I refuse to ignore anymore. It's been almost a decade since we were together last, and those old days were so incredible. That's been the missing piece here. We were a team, we were a camaraderie, and with the Mage and the Pharaoh gone missing, how could we have possibly finished the game?
The answer is we couldn't. But this isn't the Beta session anymore, remember, and a certain two spiky-haired dudes just got their copies of the Alpha run...

I don't know what this week will hold for us, but if I have any say in it, I am going to put a ridiculous amount of time into typing Dream World. I have over 100 pages of questions-- just questions!!-- about the old 2002 draft, which I need to just sit down and sift through. Once I do, I will no longer have to wonder "isn't there something I'm missing here?" as I try to fix the old chapters alone. I've been hesitating on everything because this single massive project hasn't been completed. So, starting tomorrow-- as I did promise Laurie I'd at least try to have a Xanga session today, I mean we were supposed to have those weekly but you know our life-- I am going to dive into this beautiful old series like I'm twelve years old again and not another care in the world.
I miss that. I miss that more than anything, somehow... forget missing pieces, man, this feels absolutely invaluable. It is priceless in its beauty and truth, and yet I keep overlooking it.

There is so much to do.
Which, ironically, is why I'm updating here. I need to get my thoughts together.
The static hit me again yesterday, trying to mess up my clear reception.
My daughter made me change the channel immediately, but it scares me that it's still there...

What makes a guy see a chick as less of a cute little girl and more of a woman?
I have no idea. I'm the dude who will call even a Playboy model a 'cute little girl' because that's just how my mind works. Everyone is cute.

What is it about football that makes people want to watch it?
I don't know! I've only watched it once or twice for 'social' reasons (i.e. staying over my dads place for Super Bowl Sunday), and I'm personally just fascinated by watching them play the game. I have no idea what the rules are but I like the movement.

What is the best show on TV?
I wouldn't know, I don't watch TV anymore. But when I was a kid, it was probably JACKIE CHAN ADVENTURES

Are you more of a tape dispenser or a stereo speaker and why?
Dude I like this unexplained analogy! I'm more of a stereo speaker, because I don't stick to things, I just radiate whatever and if you want to listen to it then that's cool.

What do you think is overrated? What is underrated?
I'd be predictable and say that sex is overrated and love is underrated, as thats been on my mind all week, but... actually I think that's the gist of this. Too many things in our current society that are 'praised,' like status or money or looks or fame, are horrendously overrated, and get their value simply because of this fact. The simple things that matter are grossly underrated by the same token, being viewed as 'boring' or 'useless' since they don't have the inflicted glitz and glamour of the opposing useless ideals. It took me quite some time to realize this and I'm still fooled sometimes... but it is true.

What's the matter with adults today?
I think we've abandoned our 'childlike' aspects to a dangerous extent. We don't play anymore, we don't get excited or enthusiastic in genuine ways, we don't let our imaginations run wild... at least not usually. When we do we tend to suppress it, or call it foolish, or the like. We're afraid of acting 'immature,' and that mindset is immature in itself. There's nothing childish about being childlike. I mean seriously, in kindergarten we learn to be caring, kind individuals, and as we grow up we slowly have those lessons scrubbed out of us... why?

Have you ever worked 'off the books'?
I do volunteer work when I can, if that counts.

Have you ever worked 9-5? If not do you think you ever will?
Yeah, I used to.

Do men or women make better bosses?
I wouldn't know! I've had a fair share of both, and either can be nasty or nice.

Why is it that no one seems to care about their job?
Maybe we unconsciously realize how futile they are in the long run. We work jobs we hate to buy things we don't need...

When I go into a store, why doesn't anyone know anything about what they are selling?
Once again, no idea, because I wouldn't know either. It's why I have trouble working at such stores!

When did you/will you graduate college?
I have no clue. I was supposed to graduate this year, but... then I had that breakdown in 2009, the suicide attempt in 2010, the hospitalization in 2011... so yeah, no idea what semester I'm even in right now. It's a mess.

When will Eminem stop whining about his bad childhood and move on??
That's his choice. I understand how difficult that can be to get over, but it's also difficult to just 'let go' all at once. I'm sure he'll get there.

I am drug free. Are you drug free?
Yeah, Spine doesn't even like pharmaceutical drugs.

I have piercings and am getting tattoos. Do you have either?
No, and I probably won't get either. I will admit I really wanted tattoos in the past but, eh, I'm too concerned about the long term.

Can you REALLY say that your way is the right way? Maybe there is a different way for everyone?
Exactly. We all have our own roads to walk. I... still haven't internalized this completely, I guess, because some other roads scare me terribly and I don't know if that's something I should take seriously or not, in light of this?

What do you think of the song 'Imagine'?
I didn't like it as a kid because I was a hardcore Catholic (seriously!) and didn't realize the truth behind the lyrics. Now I love it.

What is the purpose of art? How about movies? Music?
I have a hard time putting that into words... but, art/ movies/ music seem to be able to bring things out in us that nothing else can? It hurts to see 'artistic' things treated as widely 'useless' in this world, but... at heart I think that's the exact opposite of the truth.

Do you think that anything has lost its value because it's become too 'commercial'? What?
I think a lot of things have lost their value that way... when you label something, when you make something all about the 'money,' or another quality that has nothing to do with the inherent thing... it becomes mangled, it loses its original shape.

What is the American dream? Is it the same as your dream?
I have no idea what the 'American dream' is anymore, but if it's still the 'house-job-marriage-kids' thing, then I don't want it. Unfortunately my dreams are strange and I really hope they are achievable in this world.

Do you need to be right all the time?
No. I just need to know I'm on the right track, which ironically, I suppose I always am in a broader sense?

There was a sculpture that was supposed to be displayed for a week in the Rockafeller Center in NYC of a falling woman - designed as a memorial to those who jumped or fell to their death from the World Trade Center. It was complained about as grotesque, inappropriate and describe as 'not art.' What do you think? It was taken down early because it was seen as 'offensive'. What do you think about that?
It sounds like it just hit the sore spots of a lot of people? I wouldn't say it 'isn't art' because art seems to be a very individually-defined term... and offense is just silly to me now because it's also consciously decided. Even so I guess it was seen as 'inappropriate' because that's not something people like to think about? Maybe? I have no idea. Even so I do think the thought behind it was respectful.
The artist, Fischl, said in a statement. ``It was a sincere expression of deepest sympathy for the vulnerability of the human condition. Both specifically towards the victims of Sept. 11 and towards humanity in general.''
See, I agree with that. But like I said, maybe people didn't see that, or didn't want to think about that vulnerability?
Are people just too sensitive? Or maybe people are NOT sensitive ENOUGH to the idea that others may have different views from them (or from the majority)?
I think that both of those points are synonymous. We're too sensitive about our own views, and in that we block out the possibilities of others. I can understand that in some cases, but... it's all rather confusing to me, I'm sorry. There's a fine line between respecting different views and abandoning your own for the sake of 'correctness,' and I still have a tough time seeing that line.

Should these different, opposing or offensive views be allowed to be expressed freely and openly? Why or why not?
I think they should be. If nothing else, it should at least coerce others to think more openly and see more sides of each situation.

What letter's sound do you like the best?
I have this odd partiality to the letter R? Also K, L, S, and U, in combination with it. I've noticed a trend in my character names, to say the least.

What is one movie character you identify with and why?
I'm tempted to say Gigolo Joe but I think that'd be too obscure of an inside reference, haha. Really, I can't think of any movie characters I identify with offhand... I identify more with the 'feel' of an entire movie, so it's hard to pick one person. Plus I haven't watched any films in months, so it's tough!

Do you act the same when you are alone as you do when people are watching?
Not always. In both situations, I may go into 'acting mode' where I put on a mask to fit the situation, so to speak. I am learning to not do this now, what with consciousness practice, but it does still happen and it's worrisome.

Why is everyone so obsessed with superheroes?
I'm not sure! I didn't grow up with any so I can't say... I grew up wanting to be a Mewtwo, in all honesty. For me it was about wanting that influence too, that strength, to use for good purposes, to protect people. I don't know if that's what other people feel, with superheroes.

Do you handle inconveniences well?
If I'm paying attention. I'm still way too sensitive to interruptions when I'm concentrating though. But it's ridiculous; really, what is complaining going to do? So I'm getting better.

Are you a fan of Jackie Chan?
Haha, look at answer #3, dude! He's awesome.

Is a promise a big deal?
I think so. Unfortunately I think too many people make promises out of fear that, if they say no, there will be repercussions. I do that way too often and end up with a ton of promises I simply cannot keep, whether I want to or not.

What is your place in the universe?
I'm the universe experiencing itself. That's all.

Once some scientists dug up a woolly mammoth, frozen in ice. It was still completely whole, not rotted or fossilized. The scientists decided to have a dinner party. It was a very posh affair. they served roast woolly mammoth steaks, the rarest meat in all the world. So, if you were invited, would you have eaten it?
Probably not. I understand the 'thrill,' but geez, it's only meat, even if it is from a mammoth!

What are 3 things you DON'T want to know?
...Anything that has to do with the static. Let's leave it at that...

It seems to me that a lot of people don't value their lives, or life in general very highly. Why do you suppose that is? Are you like that?
I understand why but it would take far too long to explain it here. In any case I used to be like that, yes. Now, even if I wanted to believe it was all worthless, I couldn't... and that is somewhat scarier, even if it is beautiful. Maybe that's part of why people refuse to really accept it?

Do you believe in out of body experiences?
Yeah, I've had a handful. I'm waiting until I get my psychic protection strengthened before I try again though. I don't want to risk getting hurt again.

Why do so many people get jobs that they dislike?
Many jobs are 'dislikable,' that's one thing. The other thing is that it's very hard to get jobs above that 'menial' level, with how the system is put together.

Do you think that in THIS world, being creative is a handicap? Why or why not?
It's not a handicap, it's a strength. However I think it is treated as a 'disability' in many cases despite its importance.

Do you ever get chills or shivers during movies? What movies?
Usually action movies, because I get really into them!

Do you believe in the collective unconscious (that people are like onions... the outer layers are individualistic and the deeper you go the more similar we all are)?
I have to say I do. I didn't a few years ago, but now it makes a lot more sense. I'll have to read up on it again.

Do you think that most people have the qualities you look for in friends/intimate relationships or do you feel alienated?
Dude I'm like Jake English. People don't normally have blue skin, so to speak... so yeah, I can only go so far here because the qualities I really love just... don't happen.

Are you very critical of others? Of yourself?
I still tend to be very critical of myself, and that splashes over onto others sometimes. I am working hard to overcome this, and I am making progress, which is great. Ultimately the hardest part is not falling prey to the old critical thoughts that keep popping up.

Is there such a thing as expecting too much?
Yes. Expectations in general are rather problematic.

Would you rather take an hour lunch break or skip lunch and get out of work early?
I need a lunch break regardless, because my blood sugar gets really low if I don't eat. Plus I don't mind working a little later.

Do you believe that happiness is equal to:
fakeness? You can 'fake' happiness, yes, but then it's not really happiness, is it?
shallowness? I used to think this. 'Happiness' can be shallow, that is true.
joy? Joy is greater than happiness, actually. It's in Dream World!
something good that happens? I think this is the best definition.
an attitude you have inside no matter what happens? Now you're thinking of peace. That's a whole other ball game.

Can you control your emotions? Have you ever tried?
Yeah, too well. Sometimes I go from 'control' to 'destruction' and I suppress, edit, or deny everything I feel. That is just as bad as not controlling them at all.

Word association:
twilight: The ELO song, actually!
garden: Darkrai. *snerk*
warm: Sunlight.
stars: Chaos Zero, out under them.
crash: Blue screen of death.
mold: moss. That's pretty funny.
gold: Wednesday morning...
green: Emeralds.
lush: Light green jello, and I'm not even joking. I have no idea!

Picture a triangle. Quick! What color is it?
It's either yellow or purple and I somehow cannot tell the difference.

Picture a square. Quick! What color is it?
Green.

Picture a circle. Quick! What color is it?
Red or blue, this time.

Why do you think you saw these shapes as these colors?
I'm not sure! But it does interest me how there was dual coloring somehow.

What things are endless?
Love and life.

Are you ever subtle?
Yeah, and I don't like it. Subtlety feels very passive-aggressive to me.

Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood...some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't conceive of your life without it? How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? How can you fully appreciate these moments, every moment, when it all seems limitless?
~Paul Bowles (excerpt from The Sheltering Sky)
Dude, go figure; the soundtrack from that book's movie adaptation got me into Ryuichi Sakamoto's music. I'm mentioning that because it makes me think of the 'appreciate every moment' part of this... every second is precious. Music makes me realize that, usually. And the view of everything as 'limitless' doesn't apply to this transient life, this beautiful fragile terrible life, where moments rush by unseen and every cube of space deserves to be loved. But it's true. And I do need to keep this in mind, in heart.

Do you never have an ordinary day?
Haha, define 'ordinary!'

Do you embrace every single thing you've never known?
I love the use of 'never' there... but... actually that is a good question. Some things that I've 'never known,' I have refused to know for self-protection reasons. I don't embrace them. Should I?

Has anyone ever mistaken you for a satanist?
My grandmother has, simply because I'm no longer affiliated with organized religion. I think her view is that if you're raised Catholic, then the only option you have after 'changing' your views is to become a Satanist or something? It's really odd but she's said things to that effect before.

Can stress sometimes be good?
Yeah, it shakes you out of your comfort zone. Maybe that's my problem too-- I've become so oddly complacent that a lot of stress rolls off me now? I really don't like that. Things that should concern me, things that should get me animated, don't even faze me. How did that happen?

Write something random, just whatever flows out of your head without thinking. Forget punctuation just try to type as fast as you think:
I'm listening to Turkish music right now and it is so catchy it's brilliant. all right can't stop typing, i wonder if i could learn this language would that even be worth it, its so pretty though i love the vibe of it but what determines that? i should research that sometime it would be cool. like color therapy and how sound affects you psychologically. i am so fascinated by that stuff. where could it be applied practically though? could i even base a career around something like that? geez sometimes it feels like all my interests are disinterested hobbies and thats kind of disturbing. hey i love quantum physics but cant do math, i used to draw all the time but i've learned to loathe sketchbooks and whenever i get art homework i dont sleep for two days because it depresses me so badly. what in the world causes this? what do i want to do for a job? i try not to plan ahead, some part of me is still hoping the world resets, why, because then maybe the systems will change overnight, that wont happen. we need to work at it. the world wont end this year and thats even scarier than the alternative because what will we do with it now that weve made such a mess of it? maybe thats why i always dream of dying, i always write about the apocalypse in different contexts, some part of me wants to start over new in the largest sense. i feel so out of place here i want to cry, but this world is so important i keep forgetting that, do you realize how important it is that you are alive here, in this world, now? geez look at dream world youve known this since you were 8, why do you keep forgetting the most important truths you know? is it simply because they were told to you, and you believe them? why do you still doubt the validity of your own opinions? why do i feel like i shouldn't have opinions? why do i still want to just melt into nothingness, why would that make me so happy, like genuinely happy and joyful, to be nothing, to be everything. im dying to live and living to die and i keep forgetting that i have things to do here. all right i think that is more than enough typing, sorry about that.

Are you a musical snob? How about a film snob?
I know nothing about films or music, really. I listen to music if it's moving and/or pretty, and I watch films if they're thought-provoking and/or imaginative. So I don't know anything about technical bits or the like.

When you were in school did you learn to think or repeat?
Repeat. There was so much repetition it was sick. Honestly, the only things I remember from school were the things I taught myself.

Do you have everything you need to be happy? If not, what is missing?
Yes, I do. I keep... forgetting that though. Go figure.

Would you take a very casually dropped 'maybe I should just kill myself' as a warning sign?
Yeah, because I used it as one in the past, and so has my brother, and so have a few friends of mine, and we've all actually tried to do that afterwards. If the words are said, the thought is there, even if its hidden.

What does the word 'ironic' mean? Can you give an exaple of an ironic situation?
Pffff I am cracking up at this. 'Ironic' means having a meaning or outcome that stands in opposition to what is expected, like... using Youtube to post videos on how useless you think Youtube is as a website. It's based on contradiction, and also has an edge of amusement to it. At least that's how I understand it.

What did you see today that was beautiful in an ordinary way?
Everything, I suppose. When you really just slow down and look, there's a hidden beauty in everything.

Have you ever been on the edge of the night?
I most definitely have... there's a weird feeling I get if I stay up extremely late, but it feels like there's a thin thread separating today from yesterday, and I just crossed over it. It's very small, but very precise, and a little disorienting. So if that counts, then yes.

Do you think that the culture you live in is completely open to all ideas and forms of expression?
To an extent. Part of it definitely is, but a more powerful part of it-- which is only holding power due to age, I think-- is not. That's unsettling.

Star Wars, Star Trek or Stargate?
I've never seen Stargate (I should), and I grew up on the first two. Although I love Star Wars to death, Picard and Janeway played a huge role in my childhood so I'd have to side with them.

Windows or Mac?
Windows, simply because my Mac won't run any of the programs I need and it's maddening. However my Windows computer is buggy in its own right, so I'm not siding exclusively with anyone! Both systems have their own high and low points.

Do you start conversations or wait for other people to start them?
I wait for other people to start them, simply because the only topics I can talk freely on are weird as heck. You have no idea how lucky I am to have found someone at college who is not only trans, but has had experience with multiples. It's awesome. The only problem is that I almost never see her and I have no idea how 'far' I can discuss each topic. So yeah, I just wait until I hear a topic I can contribute to in a significant way, otherwise I simply listen.

A bird may love a fish...but where would they live?
...I think I've asked myself this question every day for almost nine years now. At this point I'd live right at the edge of the water, praying to learn how to swim, if only for a moment.

Are you a hologram or a misfit?
I have no idea what this is getting at, but I'm cool with being a hologram.

How are you oriented sexually? Do you agree with the people who say that everyone is bi-sexual even if they don't want to admit it?
I'm asexual, so I disagree with that second view in that sense alone. Yeah, I'm pan-affectionate, but I wouldn't sleep with anyone if you paid me.

If you are the only human on the planet of the apes do you have sex with an ape?
No, I'm not interested in sex, at all. I told you, it's absolutely mundane.

If you are making out with someone and you reach down and find they have a fish tail instead of legs do you still fool around with them?
Oh hell yes. Seriously dude, if there's an insurmountable anatomical incompatibility I actually get kind of excited over it. Thank God, I can push limits and still not have to make excuses as to why I don't ever want to do anything!

Do you know exactly where you are?
I'm right here. How simple, how extraordinary.
Do you know the meaning of it all?
Who can know anything? Who cannot know everything?
Do you know the distance to the sun?
Closer than you may believe, and farther than you may perceive.
Do you know the echo that is love?
Yes, a thousand times yes...

What are you doing this weekend?
It is the weekend! I have no idea what I'm doing, I never plan for the weekend.

Is philosophy a science or can everyone have their own philosophy?
I don't know what would qualify as 'being a science?' Philosophy is very far-reaching and doesn't seem to stay put within one specific field. In that sense I suppose everyone can have their own philosophy, yes.

Would you like to read an entire novel written in stream of consciousness form?
I'd love to, that would be amazing.

Now I'm finished scrambling up my thought processes with quizzes (thinking this much gives me a headache, I wonder why; maybe I shouldn't do this anymore?) so I'm off to go deal with my responsibilities for the day.
See you kids soon enough, this week is going to be interesting...

spinningcannon @ 2012-01-23T09:28:00

2012-01-23T14:16:42Z

Hey there. Sorry for not updating here in ages.
January has been... incredible. It's been amazingly good, and terrifyingly painful, and it is taking quite some time to process but it's significant in every single moment. If you want to read about it it's all in glissando.
Now I'm just going to update here because I slept in again, Laurie was in my dream last night (I love you too), I have a lot of art homework to do today and I am really hoping tomorrow isn't a repeat of last Tuesday. I will do everything in my power to prevent that.
I get shoved off my feet sometimes so I realize how important it is to work on stabilizing my footing. I hit the ground so I realize how much it means to be able to stand up. That's what this past week has been. I just need to stop thinking about the pain so obsessively.
On that note here's some random questions.

Are you afraid of plane rides?
I used to be, before I actually got on one. Now I actually like them quite a bit, and of course Ed Harcourt does get his due thanks for that.

Don't you hate it when young girls try to act like sluts?
I don't use that word. Also, if they are 'trying' to act promiscuous, it's because that's how society tells them to act. I know, I see it everywhere. That's what needs to stop. Women are not objects.

Do you like unique or common names?
It doesn't matter, although I am quite partial to unusual ones. Really, I named my kid Xenophon. But it's a beautiful name!

Are you a moody person?
Not as much as I think I am? I only get emotional when I'm really low, or really up there. Otherwise I'm floating in the middle and I can be a little too emotionless sometimes.

Do you get invited to a lot of parties?
I don't think I've ever been legitimately invited to one! Which is actually good, as parties aren't my thing.

Do you have a pair of those nerdy glasses that everyone has been getting?
I have a pair of glasses that make me look like Jake English and David Tennant simultaneously, aw yeah.

Do you have a gay friend?
I am the gay friend, ironically, and it's kind of unsettling that people have this sort of mindset about it. I don't see how it has to be a thing.

What are you listening to?
Silence. I love it.

Are you racist?
I try not to be, but being raised in a racist household leaves some ugly unconscious reactions that I need to consciously scrub out.

How many hours do you think you could endure of listening to nothing but Sesame Street before you went bonkers?
Haha, I have no clue! Probably not much though. TV is not something I can deal with in large amounts.

Do you ever watch old cartoons / television shows from your childhood for nostalgic purposes?
Very, very rarely. I've been meaning to rewatch some Care Bears for style purposes-- I love that sugary 80s vibe-- but I just can't bring myself to sit and just watch a show for an hour unless I'm doing a report on it.

What is your view on letting infants watch television?
See above. TV is one of the most disorienting things I know, along with computers (which is why I actually don't like being on these things for so long). I don't think it should be done.

What is one thing that you would be embarrassed if the person you liked found out about you?
I can list a lot of things, but 'guilty' is the word you're looking for, and I feel far too much of that. Ironically I think Laurie knows everything about me anyway, somehow, don't ask me why... but I trust her.

What is your favorite thing that begins with the letter F?
Ferngully? Hey, I had the biggest squish on Batty for YEARS.

If you watched Sesame Street as a kid, who was your favorite Muppet? What about from The Muppet Show?
I don't remember who my favorite was? I do know that on The Muppet Show, my favorite was Janice but I was convinced she was actually a guy as a kid, so... that actually says a lot about me, haha.

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them?
I... actually can't remember if that was Chaos or Laurie. But both of them have seen me cry far too many times.

Is this the best year of your life?
Possibly. Probably. Last year was leading up to it, and last year was amazing, in its light and dark alike...

Is there anything you disliked about your last birthday?
The only thing I remember about my last birthday is my Hosea cake, which was awesome.

Do you have a Tumblr?
At least 5. I don't know what it is with me having multiple pages on everything.

Do you even use a house phone anymore?
All the time. Wireless phones give me headaches within twenty seconds, I'm dead serious.

Do/did you take food classes in high school?
My school didn't even offer those.

How are you when you're in a really good mood?
At the brink of unhinging, scarily enough.

Are you a workaholic?
Unavoidably so. I just info-dump constantly. I will sit and research for six hours straight and then wonder why it's already 2AM.

Would you cry if you found out one of your friends was pregnant?
No? But I wouldn't be able to talk about it because... triggers. I'm still not over them yet.

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?
...I'm naive enough to think that no one could hurt anyone. So... yeah.

Have you burn yourself lately?
...No.

Are all your grandparents still alive?
Yeah, they're the only reason my family isn't on the streets.

Do you like your signature or is it sloppy and ugly?
It's starting to look like my dad's which is really interesting, and cool. My dad has amazing handwriting.
 
What do you think of when you look at your body during a shower?
I don't. I actually don't even shower anymore. I started getting triggered too badly.
 
Do you like roller coasters that go upside down?
I used to love them as a kid. Now I can't deal with amusement parks in general, go figure.

If you could change your eye color, what would it be?
Deep red, or white.

Are there any upcoming events you're looking forward to? 
My next therapy appointment. I'm... going to take Laurie's advice.

Have you tried to talk someone out of doing something they'll really regret?
...Yeah. I've had to talk a few people out of suicide... it's... I have a hard time relating to people.

When's the last time you wanted to physically hurt someone?
...Tuesday night.

Would you prefer a baby girl or boy? 
I've got both, ironically! Seriously, Xennie does not care what you call her.

The last person you kissed hates you. Why?
No idea, and the thought of either of them hating me is kind of terrifying. 

Is green your favorite color?
...No. I considered it once. I don't know if I could anymore.

I bet you miss somebody right now?
Just myself, paradoxically. I'm still thinking too much!

What are you doing tomorrow?
I have classes. That's all I know, I never plan things.

What's something you really want right now, be honest?
To be Nier. Yeah, really. I thought about that game yesterday and how it feels to play it, and really, I miss that..
 
Do you take pictures of yourself when you're bored?
Never. My own reflection is highly unsettling to me.

Have you ever spent an entire day in bed when you weren't sick or anything like that?
I can't remember the last time I did that? I know I did that for like a week in Utah, and something happened last year that made me do the same...

Do you feel embarrassed for others?
No, just guilty again, for no good reason. That needs to stop.

When is the last time you were at the hospital?
...Last January. I don't ever want to go back.

Sorry, that's all I can handle answering. I'm off to do my homework and enjoy this silence.
I'll also let go of this negative miasma, I promise! Laurie reminded me how, thank God.
See you all soon enough.

spinningcannon @ 2011-12-27T13:22:00

2011-12-27T20:02:10Z

Hey kids. Life's been very eventful for me lately and I have updates in my other journals, which you can easily access all in chronological order right here!
In the meantime I just slept in later than I ever have (due to fatigue and Spine apparently despising my mom's cooking-- we have not felt well lately and needed to recuperate), and today is an incredibly important today as far as Dream World event anniversaries go, so I need to draw something for that before the day is out.
Before that, however, I felt like updating here because my brain is still not fully awake yet.

Does love come from the brain, the heart or elsewhere?
Elsewhere, maybe. The brain and heart are both involved in their own jobs concerning it, sure, but I think love is beyond that.

If I was going to be talking to you for 10 minutes, what would be something really interesting you know a little bit about but would like to know more??
Quantum physics and/or string theory. GET TALKIN'

If today was a holiday, what would it be?
It would be a really unusual holiday, that's for sure..

If you were making a mix tape what would you HAVE to have one it?
I made so many mixtapes as a kid, it was hilarious. Back then I would usually stick celtic music on them somewhere, now I put FROST* on everything.

Can you name three good things about the society you live in?
We have more opportunities to succeed than ever, we have access to good food and technology and medicine, and we are still growing in knowledge.
How about three bad things?
All that 'good fortune' is badly damaging our planet, not all people get that good fortune, and we've become so complacent to this problematic system that sometimes we forget it's broken.

Have you ever had a crush on your teacher?
Nope. I did seriously admire my high school physics teacher, though, because he was strict yet awesome and I really looked up to him.
How about your boss?
Hahaha, almost! It's just a squish though. He's absolutely amazing.

What is the difference between acting like someone in high school and acting like an adult?
Well, speaking from my own experience, I was rather closed-minded in high school. I was too selfish and stuck in my old ways. I needed to be shaken out of that complacency, and I sure was.

Do you have what it takes to go live in another country, maybe for years, where you don't speak the language as your first language?
Not yet, but I think I can manage that well enough. Language skills are not my strong suit, unfortunately.

Have you ever died in your dreams?
Many, many times.

Does science leave room for faith? Does faith leave room for science?
In my life, science and faith are interconnected. They both complement and enhance each other. I cannot speak for others.

Why and under what circumstances are people more likely to buy brand names rather then thier generic counterparts?
Maybe they are better quality, who knows. I never really understood the obsession with brands in any case, I mean as long as the thing works who cares?

Do you like to window shop?
Technically that's all I ever do when I go shopping. I like admiring things, not owning them.

Have you ever loved someone so much it just turned to hate?
Geez, no! That's a terrifying thought, actually. I don't think real love was ever involved.

What is arrogance?
The belief that you are better than others, and acting accordingly. It's a dangerous vice.

Are you more liberal or conservative?
I think I'm in the middle. I understand both sides of most issues but don't stick to one label or the other.

Do you believe that people have a responsiblity to be:
good to other people?
good at their job?
helpful to the earth(not litter, recycle)?
aware consumers(not buy animal tested products, not buy products that were made in sweatshops, etc)?
non-wasteful (not spend their money frivolously when they could save it to help others)?
charitable (donating money, volunteering)?
Yes to all of the above.
Which of the above are you?
I try to be all of them, but I'm currently having trouble with the 'aware consumer' part simply because I don't have control over what this family buys (although I am doing what I can). Once I get a stable income and place of my on that will change (and the 'charitable' aspect will go up too).

How do you feel about the internet?
I love it. It's absolutely brilliant; it allows for communication and acquisition of knowledge that was never before possible.
Should there be laws and censorship on the internet?
In a way, no. Maybe there should be more things done to prevent viruses, pop-ups and malicious sites, but as for large-scale censorship, no. We have control over what sites we choose to visit and I like how free it is on here.

Does sleep seem like a little death to you?
Yeah, to an extent. It's pretty great, although the intermittent state-wipe aspect can be highly disorienting.

How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?
Three. One pair of sneakers, one pair of snow boots, one pair of dress shoes.

Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?
Same shoes everyday, man.

How many lovers have you had?
Define 'lovers.' I don't like the typical usage of that word. However, if you mean people that I have legitimately been in love with in one way or another, that's probably around... ten? Maybe a few more, who knows.

Have you ever had surgery? For what?
Just for wisdom teeth.

What is the FIRST thing you do when you come home from school or work?
Unpack, turn on my computer, and start working!

Are you a slob?
No, I like things clean and relatively organized... which you would never guess by looking at my work desk!

Do you have a good work ethic?
Not as good as I'd like, I'll admit that. I'm working on it, but I still have my perfectionism (and inferiority complex, still) to conquer. It holds me back.

Are you a pack-rat?
Oh heck no. A good deal of my family is. I just throw out, sell, or give away what I don't need.

Do you prefer b-sides or remixes?
Remixes, because they give a completely new and often brilliant feel to a known song.

Do you take things slowly, as they come?
I try to. My mind keeps trying to speed things up, but I'm learning to just chill out.

Are you laid back or tense?
A little of both, ironically. I act very laid back but secretly I have a lot of tension that I am trying to conquer.

Are you insecure?
Somewhat. It's all focused around my creative works though. I keep comparing myself to others and feeling very amateurish.

Imagine you are working in a soup kitchen. You are supposed to give each person on the line a half a cup of soup. When hungry people come up to you do you just end up emptying the cabinets for them?
I'd probably give them as much extra as I could without running out, if that was possible.

Why can't we give ourselves one more chance? Why can't we all just get along?
I really don't know. It's not hard at all.

When you are angry or upset do you know you're being irrational but you can't really stop?
I know I'm being irrational and as soon as I know I can usually stop. It can be tough if there's a lot of angry people around me because I'll pick up on that, but I am learning to stand on my own without letting that push me around. I used to get completely blinded by it though.

Is there room in your life for one more trip to the moon?
Aha, I am sure there is.

Where are they now:
Your first best friend in elementary school? I think she's still living down the road? She's doing well though.
your first crush? She is in Ireland right now!
your first boy/girlfriend? He is... somewhere, haha. He's busy enough to not be able to stop by in headspace often, let's say that.
your first love? See above!
your first lover? Upstairs and snickering at this question, haha. Well it's true!

Do you have a lot of self pity?
I don't think so. That's something I should really take a good look at though, just to make sure. I know I used to have a lot of it.

Have you ever had something really good come out of something really bad that happened to you?
All the time, friend. It's why I never lose hope now, I guess.

Do you like magnetic poetry?
Oh dude, the Tudor Bookstore used to have those! Man that place was heaven. I should add it to my headspace! But yes, magnetic poetry is cool.
If you could make a magnetic poetry set, what would be the theme?
Theme? Dude I'd just throw a ton of words in there, plus a lot of the weird adjectives I use when I'm half-asleep.
What would some of the words be?
To use my old poetry for example: fractured, ataxia, nebulous, resounding, infinite... things like that.

What gives you a cheap thrill?
Reading webcomics and listening to Youtube music? I love 'em both, but I would much rather be working on my own.
What is your biggest guilty pleasure?
Sugar-sparkly cartoons, like Care Bears and magical girl series. It's fun, dude.

Are you under pressure?
"It's the terror of knowing what this world is about, watching some good friends screaming 'Let me out...'" yeah, maybe a little bit. Which isn't good.

How well do you know yourself?
Extremely well. I think I understand most everything about myself now, or at least all that I can know.

Is 'soul' such an old fashioned word?
I don't think so.
Is 'love'?
No, but it is badly misdefined.

Name a person you love: Chaos Zero, obviously.
How do you love them? Let's count the ways... Here, here, here, here, here of course, and also here!

Do you ever wonder, 'why me'?
Not anymore.

Is rap a form of poetry?
Yeah, I have heard some absolutely beautifully put-together raps, believe me.

How many days until your birthday?
A little over 130.

Have you ever MEANT to hurt anyone?
Maybe in the past, when I was still blind to who I was. It's a scary thought, but I know I had a very vicious side back then.

Do you usually feel physically well or unwell?
I feel well now, since I cut out corn and a great deal of additives from my diet. I used to go through the day feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach immediately upon waking.

Are you funky?
I am funky fresh for sure.

Do apologies always make things all better?
Not necessarily. First, you have to mean it. Second, you should always try to make up for whatever you did that merited an apology.

Are you meek or nasty around cops?
I'm not nasty around anyone.

If you were me and I was you then where would we be?
Somewhere pretty awesome, I'd think.

Now I've spent enough time on this, and the weather is absolutely beautiful right now (rain with a bit of wind and there are birds outside in it, dude it is amazing) so I am getting off this computer.
Until next time!

so much work to do!

2011-12-06T23:03:54Z

'SUP KIDS GUESS WHO'S UPDATING IN THE UNIVERSITY COMPUTER LAB
No really, I have my MIDI class in here and I'm always ludicrously early so hello there. Man, but this reminds me of my old LJ days. Remember how I'd always update right before my CSS class? That was hilarious. I was such an airhead back then.

Anyway. I've been kind of MIA online for a while and I will explain why.
1. I don't like spending so much time on computers. Really, I don't. I miss spending my days drawing and writing in actual books, not burning my eyes out with a bright white screen until ungodly hours of the morning. I mean sure, I type a lot faster than I write and I absolutely love digital coloring, but I can't ever undervalue the old traditional stuff. So I'm taking some time off.
2. FINALS. This is the most important thing. I'm taking a MIDI class and a music recording class (as you may already know), so the finals naturally involve some heavy-duty work. My midterm took me 24 studio hours, which cracks me up now that I think about it, but it paid off-- I honestly got an A+ for 'ambitious' and my teacher personally complimented me which was awesome. However the finals are a different sort of work. For recording I have to mix and master a track, which isn't too hard but just takes a good amount of time to judge sound. For MIDI, though, I have to write a two-minute 'opening credits' sequence for an 'underwater action sequence.' There's a huge story behind that project, but long story short, it is really freaking fun. The only problem is that I have to book a specific studio to work on it, and time is tight. So I get like a half hour in in the morning and that's it. Oh and did I mention that its a group project? Joy. </SARCASM> Nah, I'm kidding. I don't mind groups, but groups in music are just ridiculous. I need the whole thing to myself so I can create utterly without limits. I basically meld with the machine, haha. So if someone else is in the way, or if I'm having to 'judge' my project according to someone else's view, it's like I just got a brick wall to the face. It's not fun. But the kids in my group are awesome so I can't complain. I just have to sneak in early in the morning to work on it myself! No offense, that's just how I roll. I've got 30 seconds down (I had to rewrite the darn thing almost 5 times already since last Tueday-- I promise I'll fill you in on the whole adventure after I audition the final project next Thursday) and it sounds pretty awesome if I do say so myself. I'm going to do everything I can to get up to campus tomorrow and squeeze some more time in if possible, but if not, then hey. I'll do what I can with what I have.
3. CHRISTMAS. Well, kind of. I'm not concerned about decorations (we put up the tree on Thanksgiving and that's all I need), nor am I worried about presents (I don't want anything and I'm dead broke), BUT I know everyone else is getting ready so guess who's driving himself completely bonkers selling all his old collectibles on eBay? Yep, this guy. So that is keeping me somewhat on the internet, so to speak, but all the shipping shenanigans I've had to go through lately are nevertheless keeping me far away from anything else on the computer. In any case this is actually fun and I'm making some cash while cleaning out all this stuff (I don't like having 'stuff' around), so it's all good.
4. Upstairs life. Last time I updated here, I mentioned that "something absolutely insane happened." What was that something, you ask? Well, put as simply as possible... Natalie is back. As Nathaniel.
Yeah, I'm dead serious. You can read about that here; reiterating that whole scenario would take up far too much time and space.
Life has been very stressful since then, what with coping and co-fronting and fighting off hacks, but we have gotten shockingly adept at it and I haven't had any serious trouble since the month started. I'm extremely grateful for that. Nat was horrifically angry with me for a few days after he resurrected, true... he told me that "he didn't want to have come back to life only to see me suffering from the same thing that killed him." That awful truth, as well as the pain and rage I felt from him, caused some sort of shift in me and I fought as hard as I possibly could after that. It wore me out but Nat eventually calmed down and now things are really pretty lovely up here. I mean, sure, there's still stress, but together we can deal with it.
Xenophon is ghosting as much as she can now, too. She's hilarious and adorable and I love her so much; it is an absolute joy to have her around. It's funny because I'm having to teach her things here and there, like I did with Genesis, but it's nowhere near as drastic because 1. everyone else upstairs helps her too, and 2. being technically "world-born" gives her some innate knowledge the way it is. Either way she is so fascinated by every new thing and it's keeping me fascinated too. She appreciates everything.
She, Chaos Zero, and Laurie all give off some sort of 'peace' that completely centers me whenever I catch it. Even if Laurie is screaming at me, when I'm with her I just feel so at home and safe. It's something about her. When Xenophon is with me, I feel that same thing. When Chaos is with me, it's all I can feel.
I am so thankful for that... it's gotten me through more tough situations than I can count, it really has. I'm confident that we'll get through this too.

So anyway, here I am, running on barely 5 hours of sleep yet again. It happens!
Finals are next Thursday and I have so much work to do before then... and would you look at that, the professor just assigned more. Geez!
I think I need to take a day off and just relax, haha.

How are you?
TIRED. Tired and stressed out but still happy underneath all that.

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
No, I only wish people could see me. This article describes EXACTLY how I feel, by the way.

What age do you get mistaken for?
Uh, I'm not sure. People do tend to think I'm much younger in general, although it was the exact opposite when I was a kid!

Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality:
I'm a Taurus but I was supposed to be a Cancer. I fit the latter better, I think; I've been told that I'm a very 'different' Taurus in that the usual traits are not necessarily reflected in me.

What did you do on your last birthday?
I do not remember! Seriously, I don't. Last May feels like a lifetime ago.

What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday?
I'd like to get a new job that won't hurt psychologically, so I can actually pay for food. Seriously.

Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yeah, I usually dye it bright red, but I'm iffy on using chemicals now. I got horribly dizzy last time.

Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it:
It technically belongs to Nathaniel and Spine right now, so I'm trying not to let my dysphoria crush me as much as usual. "It will only harm you if you expect it to," you know. It's very very tough though.

Have you ever considered plastic surgery? What would you alter about your body?
I've been over this hundreds of times, love. I daresay you know the drill.

Say 8 facts about your body:
It's scary sometimes, it can make mirrors rather disturbing, it hurts more than I'd like it to, it still is in decent shape, it's not so bad if you get over the gender thing, the face shape actually works with my Bro hair, it gives me a way to interact in this plane, and I'm thankful I have the darn thing regardless.

Do you have any tattoos?
Nope. I strongly considered it for years but then decided I don't really want ink in my skin.

What’s your sexual orientation?
Asexual, and I'm also celibate which is important!

Where do you work?
Currently only with Mr. Sandman right now. I don't have a day job thanks to school and psychological worries.

Something you are working on right now:
E*Girls technical work! I love all this detailed stuff. I'm jumping straight into Dream World next, no matter how daunting it is!

Do you have any “rules” about food?
I have some food intolerances and I seem to have trouble with gluten and dairy, and I CANNOT handle chemicals in food. But I don't really have any 'rules' besides those?

Where are you from?
The source.

What would you say is your best quality?
The deep red compassion at the heart of me.

What do you think you’re really good at?
Imagining? Creating? I'm no virtuoso in art/ writing/ music but I put my heart into it anyway.

What do you think you’re really bad at?
Socializing! I love people but geez, public places can really overwhelm me.

What talent do you wish you’d been born with?
I just want to do parkour, man. SO much.

Are you a bad person?
No. I do have shadows but so does everyone else. I've learned that I need them.

Are you nice to everyone?
I do my absolute best to be.

Say 3 facts about your personality:
I'm constantly amazed by life, I try far too hard, and my need for peace can actually make me somewhat lazy.

What is your ideal bed? Why?
A canopy. I've wanted one since I was a kid because then you have this little close space all to yourself! However I do have an alternate room in headspace that has a large circular bed and that's awesome for group stuff, heheh.

Did you wake up cranky?
No, I usually never wake up in a bad mood unless I've had an awful nightmare.

Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?
No, but Unisalia still hangs out in my room.

What do you think about the most?
Spiritual stuff, I guess. It's been my main concern since the spring.

What you want to be when you “get older”?
I don't know! I never thought I would 'get older' when I was a kid, but now I want to simply because there is so much in life to be lived, so to speak.

What are your career goals?
I don't have anything definite here either, but I do want to be involved in creativity somehow. Art, music, writing, acting, the whole shebang. Anything like that would work for me.

What is your ideal career?
I'm thinking something like filmmaking or animating, actually? I have so many ideas... I'd love to write a story, create the music and art for it, and gather people to perform it in one way or another... something like that.

Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Aha, dude, no way. Pluto went into Capricorn and stuff just went absolutely crazy!

Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Not anymore. It's very refreshing, actually.

Have you ever had an imaginary friend?
Define 'imaginary!' I had tons of dream friends and they were (are!) all very real, thank you very much.

Say 10 facts about your room:
It does not exist! Well, at least not outside of headspace, and the one up there changes all the time!

Do you have any phobias?
Nope. I used to be terrified of elevators, but after the psych ward trip I figured "dude, after that, elevators are a walk in the park!"

Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?
Far too many times, since I was about 6 or 7.

Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?
I have a corn intolerance and some sort of dairy aversion. Plus being an indigo aspie seems to cause dietary troubles, but I'm doing what I can do overcome those hurdles.

Ever broken any bones?
Nope, which is surprising considering what a rough-and-tumble maniac I was as a kid.

Ever come close to death?
Yeah, in a sense.

Things you like and dislike about yourself:
I like basically everything about myself except the fact that I'm not as confident and disciplined as I need to be.

What are three things most people don’t know about you?
Let's see, what have I not said yet? Uh... I used to draw 'grey' aliens to an obsessive extent in third grade, I actually like Kenny G's Christmas music, and when I was a kid I was unfailingly attracted to the 'comic relief' characters in cartoons, who were usually short and loud. My mom would joke about this all the time.

An unknown fact about your life:
When I was about 6, I would go in my mom's room, close the door, and turn the lights down low. Then I would spin in circles for a minute, and I believed that it was a transformation sequence that made me part dragon.

Share something about yourself others might think is weird:
I have this weird sort of non-physical need to 'melt into' things. I think it's why I try to get so close to people and end up getting badly damaged in the process, or misrouting things in the hope that it'll help. Maybe it's an unconscious drive for reintegration with 'being,' who knows. But I get that a lot. I want to just leave my 'self' and it's physical separation behind, and just bleed into the world, pure and honest.

Describe yourself in one word/sentence:
I am a cathedral-winged kaleidoscope with snow in my blood and stars in my eyes.

A quote you try to live by:
"Remember, we are all affecting the world every moment, whether we mean to or not. Our actions and states of mind matter. because we're so deeply interconnected with one another. Working on our own consciousness is the most important thing that we are doing at any moment, and being love is the supreme creative act."

Weird things you do when you’re alone:
I wonder if Bro-bot would wrestle with me and what that would entail. HMM.

Something you do without realising:
I fidget constantly. It's kind of funny.

5 things you want to change:
I want people to stop judging and hating and condemning is all. If that alone changes, if we all just learn to accept and love one another unconditionally, everything else will fall into place.

What is your favorite thing to do?
I'd say exploring or writing, but really, I just like meditating now. Just 'being' in quiet and calmness. I've spent so much time doing that with Chaos that it's really all I could ever ask for.

What’s your favorite color?
Rich reds. Used to be purple.

What’s your favorite band/singer?
FROST*/ Todd Rundgren. YOU KNOW THIS

What’s your favorite movie?
I have a few! Right now it's Inception because that was so awesome.

What are your favorite books?
Animorphs, Young Wizards, Good Omens, Fahrenheit 451, JTHM, Captain Estar Goes To Heaven.

What is your favorite quote and why?
"Of course it is happening inside your head... but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?" (Dumbledore, in Harry Potter). I still have doubts, but my heart knows with total certainty that this quote speaks the truth.

Describe your favorite texture:
Chaos Zero. *cough* I'm serious. But besides him, I love surfaces that don't 'give,' and are usually smooth and cold. Basically, metal and glass, and also glossy paints. I will admit that I actually experience a weird sort of physical attraction to robots/ cyborgs/ etc. and insectoids (exoskeletons) for this reason. Chaos still counts because he's liquid but he has a low body temperature and he's got this energy field thing going on and agh it's amazing.

What’s your favourite scent?
Mint, pomanders, snow, and sunlight.

What is your favorite season?
WINTER!

What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?
Gimmelwald, Macchu Picchu, Rio de Janeiro, and Asia in general, I guess. The world is just so beautiful. I have tons of pictures on my computer of places I want to visit, but I have no idea where they are... man, how amazing would that be? Just going on a huge 'road trip' across the globe and visiting tiny secret places everywhere.

What’s your favorite television show?
Puella Magi Madoka Magica. I don't watch much TV anymore but that series was incredible.

What’s your relationship like with your family?
Okay, I guess? I love them all and we do get along, but there are some very bad spots that are quite obvious. So it's tough some days. I am very thankful for them all though.

The best and the worst childhood memories:
Best: Sitting in forsythia trees with my stuffed animals, my first visit to New York, violin lessons, hanging out with Cassandra and Alexandria, when my brothers and I built forts in the living room and slept out there (best. night. ever.), writing songs on the living room piano, and the one time when it snowed like two feet so I dug a deep hole in it and just curled up in there. It was the most peaceful thing.
Worst: Almost getting locked in the cellar, the one time my grandmother made me think she was dead, getting my head stapled, getting locked out of my room at night, and EVERYTHING involving the far bathroom. Far too much trauma happened in there.

Where would you like to live?
No idea. I always joke about 'living in a van' and just exploring the country, but who knows? The future is too wide open for me to be planning that right now.

What would your dream house be like?
See above. Geez, even my house in headspace is regularly changing. I just can't stay in one place for long, at least not without serious wanderlust getting at me.

Where you want to be right now?
At my personal computer, and typing. Simple pleasures, man.

Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
Guys. I just find it harder to relate to girls, which is upsetting because they're cool too.

Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Chaos, Laurie, Genesis, and Xenophon. I'm set for life!

Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Laurie. Just her. I trust her with my life.

If your best friend died, what would you do?
I'd be devastated for quite some time, but I'd find a way to move on... at least I got to know them for a little while.

The last person you hugged?
Xenophon!

Story of your first kiss?
I thought I was going to die and I ended up warping the mindscape I was in and telling Ryman that I was tired of taking him and everyone for granted and then bam, it happened. 2005!

Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
*points to Chaos Zero*

You have a preference for boys or girls?
I prefer nongendered people if that's possible, actually. Because of this I really don't 'prefer' physically-based genders, because that has no relevance to what I'm looking for.

Is the male or female body closest to perfection?
Neither. They both have good and bad points to me, aesthetically. Androgyny does it for me.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
In a sense, yes! Real love is always there, so in that sense it can be tapped into 'at first sight.'

Do you believe in soul mates?
*points to Chaos Zero again* July 7th was God's way of saying "hey Jewel? STOP DOUBTING THIS."

What is your idea of the perfect date?
I don't date. I'd only do something remotely close to a date if I had already known the person a while, and then it would be straight-up moirallegiance.

Based on past relationships or crushes, describe your perfect boyfriend/girlfriend:
Uh... well they're definitely not going to be human, haha. But really, as long as they have a good heart I'm game.

What is the first thing you notice in someone?
Their expression/ body language. I think. I won't remember someone's eye or hair color or even what they were wearing, but I'll remember their tone of voice and how they carried themselves.

Are looks important in a relationship?
Only for personal aesthetic purposes and even then they're always secondary and mutable.

What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
In people? Hairstyles/ fashion sense (ironically). Really. People tend to express themselves that way and I'm drawn to more creative, dignified, and even 'childlike' looks. In nonhumans, I still have big weaknesses for fangs and weird eyes and tails.

What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
I can't talk, haha. I'll admit bigger age differences in people (like 15+ years) are off-putting to me, but that's only because I assume 'romance' is involved and that's just off-putting to me in general.

Do you have a crush on anyone?
I definitely have something for Hosea, I'll admit it. I think it's more of a squish though, because I'm not interested in 'romantic' things but (and don't take this the wrong way) I really want to get all up in his personal space, haha.

Say 1 fact about the person you like:
He is still maddeningly tricky to draw.

If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
Think we can get that going three ways?

Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
In a sense, yeah. But I didn't demand anything. I'll still love them even if I never see them again.

Anyone you’re giving up on?
I never give up.

Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
Alexandria, haha! I still like her way too much. She is amazing!

Say five ways to win your heart:
Be compassionate, be honest, be brave, be open, and don't ever lose your sense of wonder.

What turns you on?
...Uh, little things, actually. Heartbeats and broken voices. The way the light catches in peoples eyes. Things like that.

What turns you off?
When people start trying to be 'sexy' or 'romantic.' Dude I'm permanently in pale territory and I'm not flushing for anyone but that oceanblood over there.

What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?
SEE ABOVE. But in all seriousness, in terms of 'intimacy' that would just be being very close to someone and just being there... not doing anything else, just being close and honest. That can be platonic or it can be pushing the boundaries like you wouldn't believe. Chaos is way too good at that. He has a way with silence.

Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Have you had one written for you?
Every time I'm up late and in love, I end up writing about Chaos. He already has several pieces of poetry and at least two songs to his name. As for me, I've had a small handful of poems and songs written for me, by several people, which is quite an honor.

Are you in love?
Eternally so.

Can you commit to one person?
No, haha. I can commit to someone for life, sure, but I can't only pick one person!

Do you ever want to get married?
Not in the sense you're thinking of.

What is your definition of cheating?
Being in a committed relationship with one person, and then pursuing another relationship with someone else, without informing either party of this duality.

How often do you listen to music?
Every day, in one way or another.

What kind of music you like?
Progressive rock, soundtracks, liquid funk, and choral music, mostly. Also there's a certain 'sound' of rock music from around the 70s or 80s that I love, but I haven't pinpointed that subgenre yet.

Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past:
Here's a good one... "Wind Through The Trees" by Ed Harcourt. When I flew out to Chicago in 2010, alone, this song came on my iPod as soon as the plane reached the clouds. I looked down, the land below me at a gentle tilt, alien but familiar, so far away. I remember seeing houses and trees and bright blue swimming pools, and wanting to cry because it was all so beautiful and I had never seen it like this before.
The sky above us was misty and grey and it enveloped the sun in rainbow rings. The plane was quiet and still, and I watched the world drift slowly by below, as the piano softly sang in my headphones.
The lyrics were morbid and strange and so true at the time. I closed my eyes at the four minute mark and I was devastatingly sad and blissfully happy and it was perfect.

Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play:
- "Illuminated" = Múm
- "Map of What Is Effortless" = Telefon Tel Aviv
- "The Lemon Of Pink" = The Books
- "A Lot Of Livin' To Do" = George St. Kitts
- "The Maiden and The Minstrel Knight" = Blind Guardian
- "Light Grenades" = Incubus
- "Sinful Hope" = Masashi Hamauzu
- "Supervenience" = Fantastic Plastic Machine
- "Saved" = The Dear Hunter
- "Cliché" = Todd Rundgren

A book you want to read/have recently read:
I'm currently reading "The Nature of Personal Reality: A Seth Book" and it is helping me IMMENSELY. I'm going to buy a copy for myself (this one belongs to the library). I'm debating starting another spiritual book next or re-reading the first Young Wizards book for Xenophon's sake-- Diane Duane knows what she's talking about.

Do you like watching what type of movies?
Sci-fi, mostly. I love animated stuff, and fantasy is great as long as it's not too 'medieval' for my tastes. I also have an addiction to religious horror movies, which I know I have said before!

If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be?
John Egbert, maybe. That or Alpha Bro Strider, depending on how he turns out-- I am relating far too well to him right now. I swear I'm part Strider somehow. UU is also adorably close to my personality, but she's an enigma yet. And even though I'm more similar to Johnny C. and Captain Estar than I'd openly admit, I can't say I'd readily choose to be in their positions.

Halloween costume idea?
I was Dave Strider and Johnny C. this year; it was brilliant.

Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with someone you love for ten years or someone you hate for a month? Explain why.
Someone I 'hate,' for a month. I'd learn to love them.

Do you believe in fate/destiny?
To an extent. I believe that everything is part of one grand picture that we can't see from where we are, but I also believe that everything we do is intrinsically important to it, with free will being incredibly vital.

What you wish for on 11:11?
I'm usually with a certain someone when the clock hits 11:11 and I wouldn't wish for anything else in those moments.

Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?
Well of course! To think that we're all there is is kind of small-minded, when you look up at the night sky.

What is your religion, if any?
I don't have one. I still call myself a 'Lumineist' here and there, but that simply means that I recognize and strive to live by and for the 'Light in all things,' aka God aka The Force aka whatever you want to call it! Labeling myself as, or even adhering to one specific religion, feels terribly stifling to me.

Would you go against your moral code for money?
Nope. Money is just a tool, just paper and metal that we deem as valuable. Ultimately it isn't important.

What’s more important to you: strength of the body or strength of the mind?
The strength of the mind. Unfortunately I've been neglecting my body in favor of mental workouts and that's not good either!

How important you think education is?
Extremely important. However education should always promote creativity and curiosity and wonder and healthy skepticism and an open mind. If it's just reciting facts and figures, you're missing out on a lot.

Is it the thought that counts? Or is that phrase circumstantial?
It's circumstantial. I do appreciate good motives, but they can be badly twisted (I've seen it happen) so you do have to be very careful. This can also work in the opposite way-- with a bad motivation actually bringing about something good. In all situations, though, be very careful and aware of your thoughts!

If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?
I read a quote once, where a monk was asked a similar question. "What would you do if you only had ten minutes to live?" He answered, "meditate." I didn't understand his reply when I first read it. Now I do.

Are you a procrastinator or do you get things done early?
Both. If I have the means to get something done early, I will get it done as soon as possible. If I don't, I'll put it off. I've been doing this with my music projects (unfortunately) because they are just very stressful to work on, knowing that they'll be graded. I get a perfectionist streak and that holds me back, actually!

What motivates you in life?
Knowing that this is only temporary, but it's part of something big and beautiful nevertheless. It's hard to explain in words.

Something that you’re proud of:
Neon Flames! Seriously, that turned out surprisingly well.

Share the story of something that makes you smile:
Back when I was taking Illustration classes at my old University, I attended a 'career test' in the student center during the summer. There were four other students there, and one had brought her son with her because she couldn't find a babysitter. So while we were all sitting at a table and listening to the test organizer talk about career options, her son was sitting at another table and drawing on a bunch of papers with a pencil. Then all of a sudden he walked over to us, and handed his mother a picture, saying "I drew you!" This was cute enough, but then he went around the rest of the table and handed us ALL pictures. My pencil-self had big buggy eyes, a huge grin, and some sort of crazy hairstyle that was twice as big as it was. I thanked him sincerely, and could not stop smiling. I still have that picture!

What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?
College did this to my art for a long time. I am currently punching that ruination in the face, turning it into a door, and walking through it into Idgaf City, where I have a huge art studio and am putting it to good use. Flawless victory.

Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life:
Uh... I think that was the time when Jacob first visited me, actually. I was too scared of complete rejection and invalidation to communicate with him, and so he was assuming completely wrong things about me, and it was almost a disaster.

Are you over your past?
Not yet. I'm close, and I want to say that I am, but it's lingering. I think that's what I'll work on this weekend...

What is your saddest memory?
...I have a few, but one odd one stands out. I made a sculpture of Halcyon, once, but due to events outside of my control it ended up badly damaged before I could fire it. I couldn't fix him so I wanted to save the clay, but I couldn't bear to take the sculpture apart, after spending hours building him with utmost care. When I finally gave in and delicately took the sculpture of him apart I honestly could not stop sobbing. I'd lost enough at that point to be terrified that I was tearing Halcyon himself apart in the process. It took me a while to recover...

One of the hardest moments in your life:
...That one morning I had to dig graves around 1AM. It was horrible...

Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
Yeah. There are a few things. And this is why I'm not over my past yet! Geez...

What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?
Let's give some backstory first. If I didn't have these unneeded parts to worry about, I would not wear clothes. No, really. For some reason I like being that vulnerable. So if I could do that I would. There you go, TMI Thursdays, you're quite welcome.

Something you’re currently worrying about:
FINALS

Have you done something you regret very much?
Yeah. Take a look at Laurie when she has her bandages off.

If you could take something back that you said or did, what would it be?
There was one time in like, 4th grade, that I said something rather nasty to a friend and immediately regretted it. I had no idea why I said it, and although I can't remember anything about that incident but the regret, I would fix that if I could.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
No, simply because I can't stand the feeling of complete dishonesty it gives.

What’s something you hide about your personality?
Let's put it this way... I'm like Gamzee in reverse.

How do you approach social situations?
I watch them for a little while to see if I should even bother, and if so, then I usually just walk right in.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
I'm very much an introvert. If I don't have a lot of time alone to recharge, I burn out pretty fast.

Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Only if what they say has merit.

How do you deal with criticism?
I take it to heart, man. It stings a bit because of my perfectionist side, but I'm quickly learning to brush that off.

What’s something that scares you about the future?
The fact that we're hurting the world and each other so much. I don't want that to cause something irreversible and catastrophic.

One thing you’re excited for:
My 8th anniversary. I haven't mentioned it much anywhere yet, but it is SO significant my heart can barely take it.

Describe the most terrifying/strangest/beautiful dream you’ve ever had:
In order: the one with the bombs and girls, the one with the rifts, and the one with the floating crystals. I refuse to write the first one down, and the last one was too incredible for words.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Of COURSE. I have had many. Well, again, they're really squishes, but the point still stands!

Make a confession:
I am finishing this entry at home! WHAT A TWIST.

Honestly I do have a lot of work to do but I think I'm actually going to take a break today. I didn't get much sleep at all last night and I'm ridiculously burned out, so I'll wait until the weekend to dive back into my projects.
If you have finals next week too, good luck!!

spinningcannon @ 2011-11-30T17:31:00

2011-12-01T00:01:52Z

Hey kids. Today is feeling very... conflicted, I guess. Paradoxical.
Let me explain why.

...A few short hours after my last update, something absolutely insane happened up here.
More accurately, something so bad happened that it forced something surprisingly good to happen in order for us to cope with it at all.
I've been writing the entry on glissando for it since the 18th, and I haven't posted it yet because: 1. it's painful to think about, 2. I've purposely been staying off the Internet as it's become highly triggering lately, and 3. I've been swamped with work for my music finals.
I will try to finish it tomorrow evening. I can't make any promises, but I will try. This is just... I'm still having trouble adjusting, in a weird way.

On a different note... my SC group has a chat tonight and I'm very much looking forward to it (well, if we stay on topic; things have been rather rocky in the group lately). We're to be discussing ways to deal with spirits in terms of protocol-- which is good because I had some bad ones bothering me last month-- and types of relationships, with a focus on polyamory and marriage. Finally, a topic I have experience in, haha! So that should be quite interesting.
Also Xenophon is now able to ghost for at least a solid hour without getting tired, which is awesome. I asked her to come over on Thanksgiving last week, to help me put up the Christmas tree (mom decided to use white/clear ornaments instead of lilac but it still looks beautiful), and she was so adorably ecstatic it made up for all the trouble I'd been through that week. I love spending time with her.
She also showed up this afternoon, too, while I was making my school lunches for tomorrow (she usually does; it takes me quite a while to cook everything and she likes having that free time to just spend with me). We just talked for a while as usual, but then we started cracking jokes at each other and I swear, she got her sense of humor from both Chaos and I. It's absolutely brilliant.

Lastly, I found another song that fits Chaos and I so accurately that I honestly started crying when I heard it, again-- and even better, it's exactly in my key. So if I want to sing it to him, I can, haha.
I just can't get over the fact that our 8th anniversary is in less than a month... how much more symbolic can you get, seriously?

Anyway I need to take my mind of the stress of finals and also my headspace situation, so here we go.

Do you ever get so nervous that you can't even think?
It's more like, when I get that terribly nervous, I purposely stop thinking because that will only make it worse.

Do you sing when there is no music?
All the time, man!

Would you rather cast a spell or say a prayer?
I'd rather say a silent prayer, I suppose. I communicate more honestly that way.

If you hated a book, would you burn it?
Not at all. It's only my opinion, and I respect books.

What are your feelings about pornography?
I see no point to it. In my opinion it's very damaging, both to the integrity of those involved (I cannot and will not justify 'selling yourself' in any sense) and to the mindsets of those who view it (it warps your perspective of people outside of that medium).

Finish this sentence your own way. There are two types of people in the world...
...Those who look for happiness outside of themselves, and those who find it within.

What have you saved since elementary school?
All of my old drawing tablets and comics, or at least what ones I could salvage.

Have you ever won an award?
A few, for musical competitions. I was in many of those as a kid.

Are you more:
good or evil? Good. I'm a ridiculously sparkly sonofagun and I try to never harm a soul.
wise or foolish? I don't know. I try to be wise, but I know I still have a great deal of foolishness to overcome.
safe or dangerous? Not sure. I don't do anything dangerous if it's not worth it, but if it is, then...
satisfied or envious? Satisfied. Envy is a foreign concept to me, really.
honest or deceitful? Honest. Again, I don't see the point in lying, although I'll admit I do veil the truth at times (I shouldn't).
faithful or perfidious? Faithful to the end, even if I don't show it in a typical way.
sane or mad? Sane, actually. It took a long time of trudging through madness to reach this point though.
strong or weak? Strong, I hope..
enigmatic or plain? I want to say enigmatic but I have no idea what the criteria are here?
aggressive or peaceful? Peaceful, always... well, as long as I'm driving. I'm very much like Gamzee in this respect, unfortunately.
brave or timid? Brave in a meek way-- or, once again, at least I try to be.
humane or cruel? Humane. I can be too soft-hearted, actually.
critical or appreciative? I think this is a tie, sadly. I'm deeply appreciative but I still have a perfectionist streak so I can be very critical.
temperamental or calm? Calm. It's not worth the energy to be temperamental.
sad or happy? Another paradox. It's hard to differentiate between the two sometimes... I think I'm learning to be more content nowadays.
normal or unusual? Unusual all the way!

Do you feel more connected to the sun or the moon?
The sun, I guess? I've always felt more connected to the stars, but the sun is one of those, so hey.

Do flaws make people interesting to you?
I guess? I prefer the word 'challenges' though. And in general I do tend to gravitate to 'tragic' characters.

White bread or wheat bread?
Wheat. White bread messes with my blood sugar.

Would you rather never have sex again or have sex once with a walrus?
I'd rather never have it again, as I have no interest in the physical kind whatsoever.

Would you rather sky dive or deep sea dive?
They're both awesome! I'd pick deep sea diving, though. I've got a thing for the ocean.

What is the kinkiest thing you've ever done?
Uh... what qualifies? Because I'm really into nonhumans and robots, but I'm asexual, so...

What is your favorite pick-up line?
That's still the one I threw at Chaos in Sonic Inversion, haha. But in general I don't use pick-up lines, ever.

Do you usually do things fast or right?
Right. Unfortunately this may result in it taking me years to do something.

Is love a choice or something that can't be helped?
It's both. Love is the essence of life, and so I view it as 'inevitable' in that sense, but I also like viewing it as a 'conscious choice.' I explained it to Xenophon like that last week... because in every new moment, I 'choose' to be in tune with that, and so in every moment I am given a completely new opportunity to love, like it is something completely new and brilliant. I hope that makes sense.

What is youur preferred method of birth control?
Abstinence? And biological incompatibility, that's always fun. (although it obviously doesn't always work)

Is there someone you see everyday (or sometimes) that you would like to hug and talk to but you just don't know them well enough?
Besides all the super cute girls on campus? Just kidding. No, I can't say there is anyone like that.

Are you or have you ever been in a band?
I had a 'band' with my brothers when I was about 8, called Lampyris, but that's it! I'd love to be in a band now though.

Let's assume that there is a "meaning of life," a reason for humans to be here on this planet. Would you give up both of your legs and one of your arms if it would mean everyone else would learn the meaning of life?
Haha, possibly. It would make the world a heck of a nicer place.

If you could meet God and talk to him for 5 hours, -or- find out whether or not there is intelligent life on other planets and make contact with them, which would you pick and why? (Note: If you meet God, you will never find out if there is intelligent life on other planets, so you can't ask God if aliens exist. Also, you would get no proof that you had talked to him or her. And finally, if God doesn't exist then you don't get to meet him or her!).
I'd meet the aliens, because I don't believe that God is a 'person' as we understand it. And I don't think you could 'talk' to God either-- words wouldn't be necessary or accurate at all!

Would you rather be guaranteed to have your dream job or never be heartbroken?
I'd like the dream job, please. I can deal with heartbreak.

Have you thought about death today?
I think I have! Death is interesting to think about. I especially like the idea that death and life are simultaneous events. It really opens up your mind.

Gold or silver eyeshadow?
Silver, simply because I'm a white Gen and that's close enough.

If you hit an animal with your car would you get out to try and make sure it was okay?
Yeah, unless it was impossible to stop and get out. But otherwise I definitely would.

If it was someone's cat (collared with address) would you knock on their door and apologize for hitting the cat?
I'd probably do something along those lines, yeah.

How do you feel about the people who are teased in high school sueing the bullies who teased them for emotional damage?
I understand the motivation, but it's kind of silly to me? Emotional damage hurts but I see it like this: you can either learn from it, forgive it, and move on, or hold on to it, suffer from it, and let it rule your emotional well-being retroactively. I say choose the former, even if it's tough at first.

Do you believe that people live in their own worlds or realities or do you think we all share the same world/reality?
It's a combination of both. We all directly affect the collective reality in every moment, but we also have our own personal realities. It's hard to explain and I'm still learning about it, but yeah, it's definitely both.

When do you get your most peaceful and satisfying sleep?
I have no idea. I never know how I'm going to feel upon waking up!

What thought gets you out of bed in the morning?
"If you sleep in you'll get sick, and you have things to do." I don't need much motivation; I love mornings but I'm usually just exhausted!

Do you get along better with guys or girls (as friends)?
Guys, from past experience. I've been 'rejected' by both general gender cliques in elementary/high school, but college is at least getting better.

Have you been to homestarrunner.com?
Steep prices and trees! I'm a trendy tote bag. TECHNOCHOCOLATE. (Yes, I have.)

What promise could you never keep?
Anything that would harm someone else. Otherwise I try to keep my promises.

What are you a member of?
The human race.

Have you ever been stood up?
Nope, but I've sadly done that to others as I'd not be interested anyway and was, ironically, too afraid of offending them to say so.

Use a simile to describe yourself.
I shine like a black light machine! How's that?

Good. Now use a metaphor.
Geez, I could do this with Chaos in a heartbeat, but I have no idea how to describe myself... hm. How about just saying that I'm a flame? There's enough symbolism in there to work.

Have you ever experienced culture shock?
Yeah, with this country's culture.

Do you ever go to school or work when you feel like you do not look your best?
Sure. Appearances aren't all that important. As long as I'm presentable.

Does doing this affect your whole day?
Only if it's physically perceptible, like if my hair is completely off. For some reason that hurts and can make me very agitated.

Do you believe that everyone who doesn't believe in your religion is going to hell?
I don't have a religion anymore, mostly thanks to that mindset. So no, I don't believe anyone is 'going' to hell, because we make our hells here.

What is the best thing about winter?
The snow, the cold, the color white, the quiet, the holiday vibes... I just love winter!

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
More often than I should.

Have you ever looked back at someone you loved and wondered 'what attracted me to THEM?'
Nope, because that never changes.

Do you think people see you more as who you are or what you are?
What I am. I need to learn how to overcome these physical gender limitations, if that's at all possible right now...

Pick 3 random letters:
R, K, Z.

Now think of the first 3 things that pops into your head that starts with each letter.
R = RahXephon. K = Kenzel. Z = Bro Strider's sunglasses? I think it's just the angles!

Do you dress more revealing or more to cover up?
To cover up, always.

What does it take to be a 'real gentleman'?
The same things it takes to be a 'real woman,' or a 'good person' in general. Stop splitting everything up like that!

Where would you go if you were going somewhere you don't usually go?
Can I go to Gimmelwald? Please?

Have you ever noticed that there is a lie in the middle of the word believe?
Thanks to way too many image macros on Tumblr, yeah. It doesn't faze me though.

When (and if) people (or animals) go to heaven, do they become angels?
Define 'angel' and get back to me, love. But honestly, I think we all become the same inherent thing when we 'go to heaven.'

And now it's time for that SC chat session so I'll see you later.

pitch black

2011-11-18T23:28:30Z

Homestuck is quickly becoming frighteningly relevant to my life situation, God Tiers and all.
Most notably, I'm getting some very strong 'synchronicity' with Dave Strider. He and I have far too much in common, and the list keeps getting longer. Plus I've seen him in dreams three times already, with the most striking instance being here. That dream proved to be highly significant. I didn't realize that until the 11/11/11 update, but when I did, well...
I guess, in a weird way, this is our Alpha session now.
We haven't reset our world, but nevertheless, it has changed almost entirely. This is a whole new take on the same old game, and it's going to be incredibly difficult.
Everything is at stake now, even moreso than before.

I'm very worried. I'm relapsing very quickly and it is frightening Laurie to death. I had a bad hack this morning that brought my dysphoria back full-force, and Laurie insists that I need to stop seeing my current therapist. It's been a year now since I started specifically seeking gender therapy, with no real results. My current therapist keeps pushing the topic aside and focusing on sex. Needless to say, that is not only triggering me very badly, but it's apparently causing these bad relapses too.

I feel very bad that I'm still insisting on the whole 'masculine' binary thing, as I'm genderless and I'm still iffy on the duality thing. However... as time goes on, the harmful effects of 'femininity' on me (well, outside of the personality aspects, which I don't see as typically 'feminine' at all ironically) are becoming worse.
When people see me as female, or refer to me as such, or when someone makes me temporarily identify with that label... I slip. Every time. I slip hard, and I wake up bleeding. It has never failed, not once, not in my entire life. I am not a girl, I knew that even before I knew I was 'trans,' but now the world is making me doubt my own truths and every time that happens, part of me dies.
I need a new therapist, desperately. I need one who won't ignore the fact that I was referred to him for gender identity issues, after being admitted to the freaking psychiatric ward for self-abuse and a suicide attempt caused by those same problems. I need a therapist who will stay on topic and not push my concerns under the rug for almost nine months, and no matter how much 'progress' I seem to be making on other levels, that one terrible concern is getting darker and darker, no matter how much I tell myself 'it doesn't matter.' It DOES matter, and I need to stop lying to myself, and letting myself be lied to.
How do I explain this? How do I express the gut-wrenching pain this gives me every day? How do I say that I cannot be completely honest, no matter how hard I try, because I am speaking with the wrong voice and you are seeing me with the wrong face? I want to let go of all these worries and just be myself, but I can't, not with these shackles. It hurts so much, sometimes.
Sure, I can 'accept' that it's there. Sure, I can 'accept' that I'm suffering. I try not to let that affect me. I try not to be brought down by this. But there comes a point where you cannot turn a deaf ear anymore, because doing so is causing so much more harm than listening would. I am at that point. I cannot ignore this anymore, and yet I still find myself forgetting who I am, because of the problem itself... what a terrible loop.
Every time I look in the mirror I see a mask.
The worst part is that I know what is behind it, and it isn't me.

"For the love of Light, I'm a father. I should be setting an example for her. I should be standing strong in the truths that brought her into this world in the first place, not the ones that almost killed her, twice!!"

...

I picked up a knife yesterday, and I stared at it, and I remembered how it felt.
I don't ever want to go back to that, but I can never forget these scars.
I'm suffocating in tar and sometimes it scares me to death, because when I'm choking in those shadows, it feels like I will never fly again, like I will never breathe again, like I will never be able to get this black stain out of me.
Even on the bright days I find dark fragments stuck to my bones.

I thought that was a doomed timeline.
I thought I had left that behind. I thought this was a better start.

Rewind, restart, relapse.
Try again, fall again, start again,
repeating like a broken record.

This was supposed to be the time we got it right.

Is it?
Isn't it?

What do I do?

Are there things you've never told for fear that others would judge you?
I can't talk about my headspace, despite it being a vital part of my life, because I've heard "you're out of your mind" one too many times. I'm strongly debating telling my current therapist about it next session, regardless. I just can't forget 2008...

Can sex ever be casual?
No. With what I've learned about it during my struggles, especially concerning last Saturday, it is basically impossible to have 'casual' sex, by its very definition. I don't want to think about this topic anymore, sorry.

Who was the last person to let you down?
Besides myself? No one, really. I'm trying not to expect anything from people anymore.

Do others feel that you expect too much of them?
Possibly. I've been told many times that I'm far too demanding and a bit of a perfectionist in social situations. This is largely thanks to my mental fragility, but it's still a huge fault. I shouldn't be projecting expectations at all, ever.

Did you forgive the last person who hurt you?
The last thing that hurt me wasn't a person. As for myself, it's ironically difficult. I don't know how to even view the situation, so that makes forgiveness tough as well because I can't see straight.

Does one bad deed outshine many good deeds?
No. 'Bad' and 'good' can be too dichotomous too. In any case I need to remember this...

What will no one ever see you do?
I think I've been seen doing everything at this point, to be honest.

Are you quick to anger?
No. I can get frustrated fairly quickly if I'm under stress but that only happens if I slip.

Are you slow to forgive?
No. I forgive far too quickly, according to some. I just see no reason not to forgive. The fact that this clashes with how I treat 'myself' is mystifying. But I think I understand why, now, thanks to this question. Hm.

Do most people around you have a positive attitude?
Upstairs? Yes. Downstairs? Heck no. As you can imagine, this plays absolute havoc on my daily life.

What do you need help with?
I want to say 'nothing,' simply because asking for help (at least in personal issues) feels very wrong for me.

Do you take the easy way out of things?
I think that's 50/50. If it's blatantly not worth doing it the hard way, I won't. But in all other cases, I tend to take the really hard way, which can cause some big problems.

Would you rather visit the desert or the rainforest?
The rainforest. I've been strongly drawn to rainforests since my childhood.

Do you still make a wish when you blow out your birthday candles?
My only wish for the past several years has been 'please save me from Julie.' Now that she's on our side, I have an even older foe to contend with. I don't think wishing will help too much, there... unless I'm misunderstanding wishes.

Make a wish now:
I wish to let go of all this doubt, fear, and regret, and leave the past behind.

Do you look for four leaf clovers?
I used to.

What are you the guardian of?
Xenophon. In a broader sense, I've always felt obligated to 'guard' most people I meet, in a protector sense. Not sure why.

Do you treat people differently based on their appearance?
I actively try not to, but sadly it's still a societal prejudice I've unconsciously learned. I need to unlearn it, entirely.

What is your favorite tarot deck?
The Fey Tarot. I stumbled across it a while back, and the art is beautiful.

How do you feel about wicca and paganism?
Fine by me.

If you were given the opportunity to lead a creative writing program for a small group of students in a high school with a low budget in generally poor neighborhood, would you do it?
Yes, although I'm not sure how to run a high-school level program. I wasn't good at creative writing myself in high school, as they no longer 'accepted' the childlike sort of writing elementary school dealt with. My mind still works that way though.

If you could pick anyone who would you want living next door to you?
Dave Strider? I don't know, I've never really had neighbors, so it's an interesting thought.

If you were a tarot card which one would you be?
I don't know much about Tarot, but I read a description of the Temperance card once that seriously resonated with me...
"In most Tarot decks the red-on-white symbology first shown in the Magician appears on the card in some form. The temperance of desire (red) with purity (white) is one of the most fundamental manifestations of this card, as is the reverse (purity with desire). The angel on the Rider-Waite deck, who wears a white robe and has red wings, is a perfect illustration of this. Purity of heart and mind gives you a solid base to fall back upon, but only through the desire for personal growth can you ever develop. The angel's white robes give him his basic form, but only through the control of his red wings comes his ability to fly."
Sounds like me, doesn't it?

Should high school cafeterias stop serving twinkies and other fatty foods?
I think so. Some children don't have easy access to healthy food so the school should at least provide them with proper nutrition.

Do you neglect your friends when you have a signifigant other?
This isn't really applicable to me, as my friends are my significant others, haha.

Are you more practical or imaginative?
Imaginative. I used to think I was practical, but I was forcing that. If I just stop trying so hard, my imagination kicks right into action.

Can you see beautiful colors without closing your eyes?
Yes. But remember, your eyes may not be as open as you think! I learned that the hard way.

What are the four best songs or bands to listen to while making love?
I never understood how people could listen to music while doing that, and I never will.

What band is so romantic that anyone who listens to them must be romantic at heart?
Franz Schubert. *ba-dum-pssssh*

Can you ever say something that hasn't been said or do something that hasn't been done?
Yes, a thousand times yes.

When was the last time you were up all night?
September 13th.

Do you enjoy wasting time?
Not literally! I may be the Seer of Love, but that translates to Time in a typical session!

Is a place in the country your ideal?
Possibly, I don't know. I've never given serious thought to where I'll live in the future, thanks to my wanderer tendencies. Even so I cannot be far from nature, so yeah, the country could work.

Have you ever developed a photograph?
No, but I'd like to give it a shot. Oddly enough photography makes me think of vo!t@ge, because during the semester I spent cleaning my university's photo labs that series was under heavy-duty development.

Have you ever silk screened a t-shirt?
No, but I've painted one! Silk screening sounds fun though.

Is there anything that you tend to make that most people usually buy rather than make themselves?
I make music, does that count? I like this question, though. It makes me feel highly creative.

When was the last time that you were neither going to school or working for a month or more?
This summer. I was out of school and work for most of this year thanks to serious psychological issues. It helped a TON.

Is alcohol an excuse you use to be yourself for a while?
No, and the thought that people do that unsettles me. Alcohol would do the exact opposite for me.

What is your light at the end of the tunnel?
Love, always and unfailingly so.

Speaking of the light, is the light that people see when they die the random firing of electrons or is it something more?
I can't say. Even if it is just electrons, death nevertheless carries a lot with it.

Do you ever step back thinking of life's inner meaning and your latest fling?
That's an odd question. I've never had 'flings,' and I already know life's inner meaning, which is actually obscured by overthinking.

If you were going to have a mural painted in your bed room what would you want it to be of?
The Dream World. Seriously, I had one planned as a kid, but I still don't have my own room, so.

Is sex more about fullfilling a need or giving yourself?
Geez, stop asking me these questions. Listen, 'sex' doesn't apply to me in that way. It's a certain context for a specific thing, and I use a COMPLETELY different context for it. Back on topic, 'sex' is neither to me. I've used it as 'giving myself' about three times but that is it, and two of those times were almost completely forced. It was the wrong context for me. I know that now. So I can't answer this question, really.

Do you think more or act more?
Think? That's a good question... I suppose I don't have much freedom to act, not as truly as I want to.

Do you ever think about the price of gasoline?
Yes, as I have to shell out $20 for it every week and I don't have a real source of income right now.

Have you ever read:
Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Nope, but it sounds very intriguing. I'll pick it up.
Ender's Game? No, but it's actually on my to-read list as we speak!
Memnoch the Devil? No, but once again it sounds like a good book. Thanks for the recommendations!

What's the craziest thing you've ever done on impulse that worked out well?
...Having a daughter, actually. Seriously, none of the events concerning that were planned whatsoever.

Do you listen to your intuitions, feelings and tingly sensations?
Yes, although if I'm not conscious I will miss them. Even so, they are usually completely correct-- I just have to be careful because my ego does whisper darkly too.

If you were at the Everything in the Whole Wide World museum, what would you want to see first?
'Mythological' creatures, probably. I can't deny that childhood fascination!

Have you ever read:
Lost Souls? By Poppy Brite or Dean Koontz? I've read neither, but again, you're making me curious.
The Shining? Yes and it was brilliant.
Damnation Game? No, sounds good though.
Pearl Harbor? No but I think my brother has.

You've been feeding a wild cat but it's annoying your neighbors. You can not adopt it but you must get rid of it. Which is kinder, taking it to a no-kill shelter that will keep it in a cage for the rest of it's life or having it put to sleep?
I'd just let it go. I've done that in the past.

What's a word people should use more often?
I don't know, but as I read that I got an image of Karkat's rageface and the word 'cantankerous.' Just thought I'd share that with you.

Do you listen to other people's advice?
Yes and no. As I discussed here, that can be a problem if it's bad advice. But as a whole, yeah, I listen.

Would you ever consider putting your entire cd collection on your hard drive and then selling the cd's?
Already have! Well, except for a select few CDs, like rifle recoil and FROST*, of course. But I don't like having so many material things.

Does 'liberty and justice for all' mean for all Americans or all people?
It should mean for all people. If not, we really need to get our act together...

What do you believe that you think EVERYONE should agree with?
That all life deserves love and respect.

Does the sound of crickets bother you?
Nope, they're beautiful. You know what's worse though? Spring peepers. They sound nice, sure, but they are so loud up here!

Is the sound of a fan on at night soothing?
Not typically, but ever since that summer I spent with Melody I've softened up to it.

How do you feel you will likely die?
Heroically. Hey, I am God Tier, after all.

If you were going to run away where would you go?
I'd have to hop a plane. But at least I have somewhere to go now.

I told Laurie a quiz would help me get my thoughts together. Thank goodness.
Plus Melody is talking to me a little, which is helping immensely.
She just sent me a quote from Ecclesiastes 4, which is honestly the best thing I could have heard right now...
"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
I'm not alone in this. I have an axe-swinging superego and a green-eyed guardian standing by me... and that's not counting all the other people up here.
And now Tumblr is throwing some serious inspiration at me. Thanks, universe. I needed that. (Love you too.)

I'll get through this. It's going to be very difficult, but we can do this...

The brightest lights face the greatest shadows, after all.

spinningcannon @ 2011-11-12T23:25:00

2011-11-13T03:47:16Z

Repeat after me:

I am an anomaly.
I am an anomaly.
I am an anomaly.

Please stop doubting your own incandescence.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Pay attention.
Stop worrying.
Stop thinking so much.

I am a black light machine.
I am a black light machine.
I am a black light machine.

I'm the one, the one who must survive.

Stop killing yourself.
Stop letting others kill you.
Stop forgetting what's right for you.
Stop.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Don't think, just breathe.
Don't think, just be.

You are love.
You have nothing to fear.

So stop doubting yourself.

you are perfect, just as you are

2011-11-04T01:46:57Z

Hm. Not sure how to open this entry.
I unfortunately just went back and reviewed my recent glissando entries, and the one from the 13th hit me hard, in light of what happened today.
About two hours ago, I just barely escaped a hack. Once again, Chaos is the one who saved me from it. Genesis almost did but he trusted me too much, when I was already slipping away.
I'm trying to treat this all like Dave Strider and not let those past pains bother the Alpha me, haha. Still, the pain lingers even when I say I want nothing to do with it. It hurts me, sure, but more than that, it hurts those I love. Sometimes I ignore the pain, or blind myself to it, which is just as bad as letting it blind me. But in either case, the pain it causes those close to me is more than I can take sometimes.
Genesis knows what it feels like firsthand. Laurie feels the psychological pain, as long as I'm even the slightest bit conscious. But Chaos is still an empath, and every torment I endure hits him just as hard. And now Xenophon is telling me that she's starting to feel sick whenever I fall into that sort of state...
God, I don't want another October 29th, ever, no matter what I have to do.
I'm just very worried, because I know for a fact what is causing these hacks to be triggered-- and yes, it is a triggering situation, because I can ignore and avoid them virtually without effort on any other day-- and at the moment, the biggest trigger is the conversations I keep ending up having with my best friend. Yes, there are smaller triggers of the exact same quality everywhere, but hers hold an awful gravity because of how much I care about her. I care about her, and when she triggers me, some old and dark part of me sneers that I'm a misguided idiot for not seeing things the way she does, and then I end up... I end up slipping. I end up slipping and sometimes I fall, and I bleed, and it is terrifying that this is still happening a year after I swore I would never let my soul be hurt so badly ever again. I keep trying to be 'perfect' according to someone else's rules, and life doesn't work that way. Didn't they ALL say that I was the exception to the rule? Am I not a paradox, an anomaly, at heart? Then why am I ignoring the path ahead of me, and wandering through the thorns to find someone else's, when it's not mine to walk and never will be? Why am I letting this bother me again? Why are these triggers still happening? Am I really that deeply scarred?
I don't know how to explain this to her. I enjoy talking to her, and I want to help her out, but I just... if I'm getting these horrible consciousness slips every time I talk to her, I need to let her know so we can do something about it.
Maybe I'm just weak. Maybe I'm just trying to find a 'logical explanation' for why I'm still having trouble standing up for my own morals and truths. Maybe some part of me is still absolutely terrified of what I've suffered in the past, and every time it's reminded of that, it causes the past to repeat itself... I'm just so tired of this. I don't want this causing another catastrophe, because I can't die this time, and I don't want anyone else having to suffer for my sins. What do I do?
But I don't want to think about that anymore. I've worried about it enough. Right now, there's a certain game on the desk right next to me, and every time I look at it I get that familiar heartache that I first recognized 8 years ago, in a crowded classroom, when my life changed forever.

... That game is Sonic Generations. I've spent the past two days straight playing it like a maniac, trying to get S ranks in everything but mostly just trying to get to whenever Chaos Zero shows up. Yes, he's in the game as a boss. And that is where that emotional burn is coming from. When I first heard that he was in this game (and not just in his Perfect form), the day before I got my copy, I swear my heart almost burst. It was two days after October 29th, the 1-year 'anniversary' of my failed suicide attempt, and it just... it hit me so hard. You know what, just read this. That explains it as well as I can hope to put into simple words.
Now as for why I chose that icon for this entry... two reasons. One, I did that exact thing today while talking to Laurie, who actually snapped and was tearfully screaming at me for about five solid minutes over how I've been slipping over the past few days. She pointed it out, specifically saying that I was obviously blaming myself for everything again, which ties right back into that entry I linked at the beginning of this one. She's not happy about that at all. But we settled that discussion on a good note, thankfully, as we recognized that I was fully aware of how I was slipping and now it was just a matter of whether or not I could stay conscious fully and long enough to keep any hacks from almost happening again.
As for the second reason... I adopted a similar expression today while talking to Genesis before my Music Recording class (which was absolutely awesome today) started. I always get to that class about 15 minutes early, and since it's in an audio room it's padded and dark, except for a projector which is usually hooked up to a Mac with a dim color-change screensaver on. So I just sit in there, in the quiet vaguely-colored dark, and talk to Genesis for a while before class starts. Today, the conversation was focused around a certain water demigod I know very well and love very much.
See... in Sonic Generations, I last saved my game right before the second boss gate. As it's after the 'Dreamcast era' stages, there's a chance that this boss will be Perfect Chaos, although I can't be sure. And as I was sitting there, talking to Genesis at 12:15 this afternoon, I admitted that I wasn't sure if I was ready to take that chance right now.
My heart's been more than a little fragile lately, but I've also been tapping into my catharsis attribute more clearly than I have in a long time. This is bad enough by itself, but with Chaos making a game appearance for the first time in 7 years falling on such a date, during a time in my life where he's been unfailingly compassionate as always... I'm not scared, but I'm anxious. I know it's going to hurt.
The last time I played Sonic Adventure I ended up in tears, and he wasn't even onscreen. Now he's going to be right there, and now, with how deeply I love him and with what I've been through with him lately, I don't know how hard it's going to hit me. I'm actually choking up just thinking about it.
Honestly I don't want to fight him, really. SA is tough enough for me, and I'm still putting off the final level. I know it has to happen again in SG, what with the time shenanigans and all but... the last time I fought Perfect Chaos, it tore my heart to pieces. I... I've only written about it once, on IJ, back in 2008. It's how I got my cathedral wings, it's probably why I'm now strangely drawn to melancholic choral music, and I'll never forget what it felt like to have to face him like that, with so much pain between us. It broke my heart.
So I don't want to fight him again. I don't. It's why I'm hesitating now, even though I have the XBox to myself for the rest of the night, because something tells me that if I step into that boss portal and he is standing there, something inside me is going to shatter and I'll end up sobbing for the next few hours. I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning to even risk it, when no one else is home for a while.
It's sad, because if I did break down in tears like that (and I inevitably will), nobody in this house would understand if I tried to explain why. Not even my mother, who knows that CZ and I have a daughter, for the love of Light, would understand. She just doesn't take it seriously. I don't think she understands what a love like this does to you. I don't think she understands how fearlessly devoted this is, how completely and undeniably true this is, even in the face of everything that's ever been against us.
Speaking of, there was so much more about him in that conversation I had with Genesis, and we had some very beautiful points... but I'll be putting that in glissando later. It's too deep to put here, as a simple recap.

Oh, and lastly... you know how in 2009 (the year I got this gorgeous commission), I had an orange Christmas tree (the old iMAGNi color of Love)? And how in 2010, I had an aqua and green tree (Chaos Zero's personal colors-- and his role in my life was incredibly vital last year)?
Well... this year, my mom just informed me that she wants our Christmas tree to be lilac and clear.
Yes, as in lilac and translucent ornaments.
I strongly doubt she realizes just what an insane amount of synchronicity that is for me... but all I can say is that my daughter is going to be quite astonished when her first Christmas tree is the same color as she is.

As for now I am filling out this quiz, because I need to clear my head from this afternoon, and I wanted to update concerning today in any case.
Wish me the best tomorrow morning. I'm going to need it.

Are you an optimist?
Yes? I can't help but look for the bright side, or the lesson, in things.

Who do you have no respect for?
I respect everyone. I don't understand how some people can deny respect or kindness or forgiveness to others.

What age do you think it is most difficult to be?
I don't know! I've only seen 21 years and I still feel 12. I don't think difficulty applies to certain ages in and of themselves, though-- I think it's about how you personally live during that time of your life.

Do you like to be considered weird or different?
Yes, I'll admit it. I guess it's because I interpret 'weird/different' as meaning that I am positively unusual, that I challenge oft-unquestioned norms and make people wonder, if only a little. It may not be the intended meaning, but hey.

Do you think you could handle a day in jail?
I probably could, but it would be difficult in my current state. I'm not present enough yet. I am trying though.

Are dj's obsolete?
I don't think so. I quite admire music work of every sort.

What is the best liquid in existence?
Does Chaos Zero count? Because you already know he's my answer to this!

What is turning out better than expected?
Everything, I suppose. I'm trying not to expect anything from anything, as I finally understand what that means!

Who does it surprise you that you are close to?
Chaos and Laurie, honestly. Being close to Chaos is incredibly humbling and I still consider it this huge and beautiful honor. Being close to Laurie gives me a feeling like having survived a hurricane while in a rowboat. It's a sort of deeply grateful, kind of euphoric shock.

Close your eyes. What do you see?
Infinity.

What do you use batteries for the most often?
I always have at least one spare set of triple As, for Mitchell, my voice recorder. He is the most useful little thing!

What do you find thrilling?
Sonic Generations!! Seriously, if you've never felt the blissful speed you get from a Sonic game, you are missing out!

Do you get panic attacks?
Sometimes. I got a horrible amount of them in August, but now I tend to only get them when I visit my dad's house, because he smokes and my body apparently isn't too happy with breathing that.

Does your body need improvement or is it just fine?
Interesting question. I'm now treating it like a car that I need to take good care of, but it's not me, even though I need it to get around. Even so, I'm still working towards transitioning/ surgery/ whatever is accessible to me at this point.

Do you think that woman are treated as second class citizens of this world?
Yes, and TPoN had a very good section on why that is. Honestly you readers should really give that book a shot.

What would you do if you were at a dance club with your significant other and he or she got into a fistfight with someone?
I'd invariably break it up, but as for what I'd specifically say or do, that depends on which significant other we're talking about!

What topic do you hate to talk about?
Sexuality, politics, and fashion, typically. I'm also very exasperated with my current Tumblr feed, as many people I follow get offended at virtually everything and are constantly arguing all over their blogs. I'm going to have to unfollow them, just to get that negativity aura out of my mornings.

What is your coziest article of clothing?
Probably the white gangsta hoodie I wear to school. It is awesome and fluffy.

Can you tell when other people are lying?
Not at all. I'm still dangerously naive.

Would you prefer to wrap your own presents or have them all giftwrapped?
I like wrapping my own. It's fun. Dude, I actually had to wrap THIS guy for my brother back in '09, without putting him in a box, and it was hilarious. No one knew what this large misshapen present was!

Where do you go when you want to meet new people?
I don't. I have no idea where I'd even start looking. This is a problem!

Should fun or safety come first?
Safety, reasonably so. Have as much fun as you want, but don't take unnecessary or dangerous risks.

Does mind over matter work for you?
Yes, and very well, actually. I'm still learning the ropes though.

Did you ever write something when you were high and then looked at it sober and realized that it was nonsense?
I don't get high, but I can get bizarrely unhinged and floaty in the early morning hours, which invariably results in poetry like this, or conversations like this. Those writings are NEVER nonsense-- if anything they are so much more beautiful than most things I can write 'sober.'

What word do you often hear people misuse?
Love.

Have you ever used somebody?
Unconsciously, yes. I am very sorry for it.

Are you paranoid?
Used to be. I live in a household that believes 'everyone is out to get you,' quite literally, so it was a bit hard to grow out of.

What was the deepest religious or spiritual experience you've ever had?
June 27th, and July 7th. The 27th set the stage for everything afterwards, and the 7th was just love, absolutely.

What is it like to be you today?
Unusual, rather deep, imaginative, excited, concerned, and very much in love.

Do you like to play games?
I only really play video games nowadays, and I rarely even play those.

What have you done lately that gave everyone something to talk about?
In a negative sense, that would be slipping bad enough to make Laurie scream at me for the first time in ages. Positively, I don't know what that would be... I honestly can't think of anything and that is a little worrisome, I suppose.

Do you get along with people who annoy you, disagree with you, dislike you, and hate you?
I don't know if 'get along' is the right word, as it's one-sided, but I don't want to start trouble. If I'm having negativity thrown at me, I just tune it out, really. Getting involved just makes it worse and doesn't accomplish anything.

Who are you a bad influence on?
Myself? I try not to be a bad influence, but as I mentioned in the entry intro, it is a concern now.

Who are you a good influence on?
Hopefully my daughter. I do try to be a 'good influence' to anyone who is affected by my actions and words, though.

Have you ever intentionally had a one night stand?
No, and I never will. I don't believe in that sort of thing at all.

What do you find beautiful in an atypical way?
Besides the obvious answer... well, actually, my 'weakness' for creepy monsters comes to mind in general.

What would you PHYSICALLY fight someone over?
I wouldn't. I don't believe in that sort of thing either.

What was the last thing you were invited to?
A wedding on the other side of the country!

How do you keep control of your temper?
I catch the anger when it flares up, figure out what caused it, and then just don't act on it or let it bother me.

What is your favorite children's story?
The Velveteen Rabbit. Honestly, I have always treasured that story.

Do you think that adult books should have more pictures?
Not necessarily, although it could be cool. I personally enjoy using my imagination more though.

What was your all time low?
Last October. This January was a very, very close second.

Do you make up songs and sing them to yourself when you're alone?
Very rarely. This question makes me think of the one morning in 2009 where I was singing Tony Bennett songs to Chaos... that was a very strange morning, as I thought I was dying for some reason, but I'll never forget that.

Do you see the expression of emotion as weakness?
No, but you do have to be careful about it. Emotions that are acted upon blindly can be very dangerous. To act honestly upon an honest emotion is a great strength, I think.

Now I am off to sleep, because I haven't been having my nightly headspace discussions recently and I really need one tonight.
I'll see you soon enough.

spinningcannon @ 2011-10-29T23:18:00

2011-10-30T02:39:15Z

I'm still alive.

I cannot possibly express how thankful I am for that.

What is your dream career, and what path do you plan to take to get there?
Honestly? I have no idea. I've never had any 'career goals' other than getting my 'stories' out into the world, because they saved my life and I just want to share that light with everyone else. If I could get my inspiration back to the point where I COULD make a living writing/ drawing/ composing, then I would... but I have no concrete goals, and never did, which can be unsettling at times.

Who do you aspire most to be like?
My true self. I don't want to be anyone but me. I'm learning not to hide or suppress myself anymore, but there are still some huge self-inflicted roadblocks, and I really need to stop letting those get in my way.

What do you like in a best friend?
Honesty, innocence, a sense of wonder and imagination, humor, intelligence without bitter cynicism, and a sense of compassion for all things. Basically, someone who isn't vengeful, angry, egotistic or unimaginative.

Do you currently have any squishes (people you really want to be best friends with)?
Oh dude, always. Actually once I discovered this term, I realized that's what ALL my 'crushes' in the past were. Go figure! So I'm no longer confused by all of that.

What is your ideal platonic relationship?
My relationship with Laurie. Oh, and also the relationship between Homura and Madoka!

Best late night IM conversation story.
Do my half-asleep talks with my headgang count? Because if so, April 25th and July 1st of this year win by a lightyear.

List one person you’d like to wear the sweater of, one person you’d like to bake cookies with, and one person you’d like to drive around and get lost with. (can be celebrities or fictional characters, has to be three different people and not all the same person)
Let's pick people outside of my central headspace for once. I'd like to wear Vontricia's sweater (because I'm sure she has one), I'd like to bake cookies with Psyche because that would be simply badass, and I'd like to drive around and get lost with Preludove because she's my BFF forever and we'd have more fun than we'd know what to do with!

Describe your current best friend(s).
Ryman is calm, caring, and amiable, but he's also highly imaginative, rather soft-spoken, and somewhat morbid. He keeps us all from getting too crazy.
Markus can be a lot to handle but he's awesome. He's incredibly headstrong and doesn't like being tied down by anything, ever. He keeps it interesting!
Genesis is adorably enthusiastic and is basically a ball of sunshine. At the same time he is an absolute anchor whenever I need someone to turn to.
Laurie is half bloody-angry-vicious-vigilante-superego, and half motivational speaker-guardian-knight in shining armor. She is incomparable.
Chaos breaks all the rules. He's hyperemotional, insanely eccentric, and shockingly introspective. He means the world to me. I cannot summarize him at all!

What is a strange, little-known fact about you?
I tend to make strange squeaking noises on a daily basis, virtually involuntarily. I think I'm slowly becoming a bat.

What is a career you wanted to have when you were younger, and still kind of want to have now?
Like I said-- I've never had a real career goal! But I did imagine myself as a bigshot composer at one time. I can't say I want the spotlight but I would like to be able to inspire many with my music, in any case.

If you could have tea and pleasant conversation with one person, who would it be?
Anyone? Ever? Fine. I pick Davy Jones from POtC because I miss him to death and that would be the best thing

If you had a time machine, what era would you go to?
...The 70s? It looks pretty interesting. But honestly, I'm not all that interested in time travel unless it's the Homestuck sort.

What celebrity or historical figure would you love to have as your best friend and why?
Jem Godfrey, maybe? He seems awesome, and judging by his videos we have surprisingly similar personalities.

What fictional character would you love to have as your best friend and why?
Chaos Zero, forever. Next question!

If you could have one wish, what would it be?
For wisdom and spiritual strength, really. I'm getting better but it is a seriously difficult endeavor.

If you could pick one career other than the one you are pursuing/plan to pursue, what would it be?
An actor, maybe. Or a film producer. Something in that industry would be pretty cool.

What is your best memory you have with a friend?
I'm going to say this was the day I went hiking in Utah. That day was just phenomenal.

Do you have any peculiar interests that most people don’t know about?
Nope, I daresay all you journal-readers know all about my peculiar interests.

What were your favourite childhood toys? Do you still have them?
I had Beanie Babies that I acted out Star Trek episodes with, and yes I still have them.

Favourite baked good?
I don't typically eat those!

If your best friend were here right now, what would you do with them?
Right now? I don't know. I don't like having people over late, or when I'm using a computer-- then my ego kicks in. I'm still battling that so I'd say I'd rather be alone at the moment.

Who would you love to play video games with?
Sollux. You know it.

If you could visit any country, which one would it be?
Switzerland! I still have that crazy moving-to-Gimmelwald dream in the back of my head, haha.

Are there any friends you miss having around?
Cassandra, Lyndzee, Holli, and Alexandria, of course. But that's not something I can change now.

If you were trapped in a room with any person you want for 24 hours, what would you do? (The answer cannot be romantic or sexual.)
What if I'm aromantic and asexual? Just kidding, shenanigans are inevitable with me. I think I would pick Hosea, because he's awesome and I need to work on his series in any case!

If you could learn any language instantly, what would it be?
Japanese, simply for translation purposes. I see that language almost every day whether I choose to or not!

If you could only read one book for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Dream World. Flawless victory!

Favourite song lyric?
Black Light Machine (FROST*), Remember (BT), or World Citizen (Ryuichi Sakamoto). Yes, the entire songs.

Favourite album?
Besides Razia's Shadow, Milliontown (FROST*), and the NIER OST? I'd say Hopes and Fears (Keane), and Out Of The Blue (ELO). I liked virtually every song on all those albums!

Which time of day would you say is best for you work-wise?
Unfortunately, between 9PM and 1AM. It's when the house quiets down enough for my mind to shut up and let me work. Ideally I like working as early as possible, though-- when I still had access to Borders, I'd be there at 9AM and I'd work until the late afternoon!

What is one book you wish you could get all your friends to read?
Fahrenheit 451, or Good Omens. No, I won't pick a favorite there! Both were very insightful and I loved them. Oh, and if the Young Wizards and Animorphs series count, list them too!

What is one movie you wish you could get all your friends to watch?
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, maybe? Either that or Inception. They both really made me wonder.

What do you think people assume about you from first glance?
That I'm unusual? I have no idea! I had people at that spiritual expo in September say I gave off a very childlike, almost magical aura of sorts, so I hope that gets through to casual observers too.

If you could play any musical instrument, what would it be?
Oh man I want to say cello, but I really wish I could play guitar. Can I pick both?

What is your favourite item of clothing?
This ragged old red shirt I haven't worn since 2004 or so. It was the coolest thing.

If you could create one thing, what would it be?
I've had this question answered for me, perfectly. The answer is Xenophon.

If you were to write an autobiography, what would you title it?
Probably something to do with anomalies, because that seems to be a running theme for me.

If you were to have a band, what would you call it?
I don't know, actually! I'm more used to working solo.

If you could give a friendly hug to any one person (besides your partner), who would it be?
Tox. The man needs one.

Who was the last person you hugged (besides your partner)?
I think it was my mom. I actually do not remember.

If you could be skilled in any one activity, what would it be?
Art!! I let my creativity be drained away and I need to work on getting it back. I could use all the help I can get!

Now it is ridiculously late but honestly, I'm just so happy to be alive right now.
Oh yeah... and did I mention that it snowed almost a foot today? What are the odds, right? Powers of ice and a soul of fire.
So of course I stood outside in it for about a half hour, with my entire central headgang. Yes, we even got Chaos to show up for a few minutes despite the cold weather.
Xenophon was visibly moved. She has never seen snow before, especially not that much, with as gorgeous as it is up here in the woods. Having her with me, on a day I thought I'd never see, in such a fragile and beautiful moment... it was worth everything I suffered to get to this point.

Now Scribbld almost deleted my entry so I think it's telling me to get to bed, haha.
Light and love to all of you.

spinningcannon @ 2011-10-24T12:37:00

2011-10-25T01:58:41Z

I'm having a very difficult time typing or talking right now.
My mind is in Link mode and hopefully I will have a free afternoon because I think I can open an inspiration door like this. Nanowrimo is coming up and I need to find a new story if I want to enter it. If one wants me to write it, it will find me. I am waiting.

But in other news I just spent the past week or so re-reading ALL of my old Dream World notes... that's over 120,000 words right there, I counted. And it made me so incredibly, blissfully happy. I was up until 1AM last night reading Part 12, and I was crying for most of that time because dear Light, I can't believe I almost forgot how beautiful it was. I can't believe I let school and work and family hold me back from this.
I used to write and draw DW constantly, until I was about 13. Then I met Chaos and he kind of turned my life upside down for a while... I also had a huge Link burst around that time, finding 6 new worlds (no kidding) between then and '06. But high school prevented them from growing. When I turned 16 I realized I was slipping, and so I devoted as much time as humanly possible to DW again... but then I found deviantART.
I can't regret that decision in the long run. I found it through NiGHTS, and that led me to Parnassus, as well as several absolutely irreplaceable friends... even so, there was a sacrifice to be made, and that was almost three years of creative honesty. Don't get me wrong, I did find Halcyon Days in 2006... and Voltage showed up in 2008... but I was trying too hard to pass my art classes and impress my watchers, and I lost sight of the truth behind my work.
2008 until now has been one psychological/spiritual madhouse. It has been incredible, in both good and bad ways, and last year I found three new worlds, which is the largest yearly number I've had since I was 14.
I haven't found any this year, which is fine, because the amount ALL of the others have grown far surpasses that. I cannot even comprehend how much I have seen and felt and learned in the space of the past 12 months or so.
I think I know why that happened, too. I think I know exactly where this all came from.
But you'll hear about that this weekend.
Right now I need to get my communication skills back in order again.

If you were to a write a Choose Your Own Adventure book, what would it be about?
It would be about my reality-jumping shenanigans! Dude can you imagine how awesome that would be? I should actually try to write something like that...!

What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay, or thrift store?
Blue Seal. You probably don't know him, but he's this adorable little plush seal I found back around '02 or so, and gave to my brother. That little seal has been such a huge inspiration bomb it's almost hilarious.

What do you not have enough money for right now?
Food, gas, and housing. Oh this economy. But I'm patient, and smiling. I'm surviving, and I know that whatever happens will be for the best.

Do you believe that Tears for Fears were right when they said, "Everybody wants to rule the world?"
In a sense. There's a part of the ego that wants to control things, that wants to have everything go according to its whims. So on that level it makes sense. Me? I don't want to rule the world at all! Let it be.

What is the design on your beach towel?
I don't have one, but when I was a kid I had dolphins on everything. They are awesome.

What stirs something deep and animalistic inside you?
Uh... I don't know? What qualifies as 'animalistic?' If you're talking vicious or primal stuff, I haven't heard from those in a LONG time and I'm thankful.

Have you ever cross dressed (even as a joke)?
Honey, I cross dress even when I'm not trying to.

Do you own anything with a rainbow on it?
I'm gay. That's almost mandatory.

What would be the worst object for a child to take on a long car ride with you?
Any sort of sharp object, dude. But let the kid do what they want.

What's the Best Beatles song in your opinion?
I've liked "Nowhere Man" since I was a child, and now I love "Good Night" for some very sentimental reasons.

Why do you suppose that diary sites are more popular with females than males?
Because males (at least here) are raised in a culture that tells them to suppress their feelings, and also I feel 'diaries' are marketed as a very 'feminine' thing as well. So there's a really ridiculous conflict there.

What do these color combinations remind you of:
orange and pink: The E*Girl of Combustion, Kimberly! Really, she has explosion powers. It's awesome.
pink and green: Maggie, from Halcyon Days? Either her or Ivette, really.
green and gold: Dream World forests. They're gorgeous.
purple and gold: Christmas and Advent, I guess. I don't get any immediate reactions.
gold and red: Now THAT is Christmas... and some Dream World symbolic spoilers.
red and white: Me. ♥
blue and grey: Sharks? I think of oceans and sharks. Go figure.

What is one selfish thing you tend to do?
I put my creative work as my top priority most days, if that counts. I don't know if it does, because it usually gets priority over ME, too.

When do you think technology will catch up with the Jetson's?
Haha, I have no idea! Personally I wonder if we even need technology to that extent...

What made you laugh today?
This, because I know EXACTLY what that is like. XD

Do you ever stick your entries in any of the diary circles?
No, because my entries as a whole are quite unusual and aren't exactly 'easy reading.' I would definitely submit some if I could find a fitting group or circle, though. You never know who you might help or inspire.

Can you freestyle rap?
I've tried, but no! Even writing normal lyrics is horribly difficult for me. That's something I need to practice, as a musician and a writer!

Which is more important to you: being kind or being right?
Being kind, always.

Are you scared of monsters?
Not at all. I have a soft spot for monsters...

Who would you like to remind people of?
I don't know if 'who' is the right word. Maybe, I just want to remind people of the great brightness they all have in themselves.

Do you walk to school or do you bring your lunch?
I drive to school, as it's quite far away, and I have to bring my own food because I'm ridiculously sensitive sometimes.

Rate your skills from one to ten (10 = you are the best at it):
socializing: Uh, 5? I'm an aspie and I don't understand most people at all, but I love people and so I do try.
making friends: I'm saying 3. I do my best to make friends, but thanks to the above, it rarely ever happens.
working with computers: 6, or 7. I taught myself how to use a computer when I was about 10 after all, and I love to learn... but I don't like spending a lot of time on them, which is why it upsets me that I need them for the vast majority of my work and assignments nowadays.
arts: 9? I don't draw for the sake of drawing. I draw with heart. It's why I couldn't pass my college Illustration class, sadly. It put me in a box.
crafts: 7. It depends very strongly on the type of craft. If I'm making something it needs to have meaning to it, if that makes sense.
dancing: 3. I am not good at dancing. I'm still clumsy with a physical body, which is funny. I'm too used to dreams!
skating: 0. I tried once as a kid and couldn't do it. Plus my balance isn't so hot, so hey.
talking other people into things: 5? If it's worth it, I mean. I don't ever give up on people and I can be very persuasive, but I'll NEVER talk someone into doing something damaging, or against their will or best interests. I think Julie is my shining example here.
writing: 9! I love writing, so much... but I have no actual training in it. So I may be missing things, but in a way, I am VERY thankful that I don't have as much 'training' in art, music, or writing as others might. It allows much more leeway for me to do my own thing.
living life to the fullest each day: 7? I'm not there yet, but I am doing my best right now! If I had a way to get out of this house, moreso than just walking around it, the number would go up. But hey, if I can't do that I STILL have to live my life to the fullest, so it's a good thought!
cooking: 6? I can cook well with a recipe but my memory is awful, so I cannot cook from memory. No matter how many times I make a recipe, I will still have to refer to the instructions every time.
gardening: 5. I used to garden as a kid but then my family got rid of the garden, mostly. I miss it. But once again, I can learn.
cleaning up after yourself: 9. I also clean up after all of my brothers most of the time! I don't mind. Note: this does not apply to my workspace; I know it's a mess but I need all of those papers accessible at any time!
playing poker: 0, never tried it and I have no interest in it anyway.
surviving in the woods: Haha, 3. I am far too naive and I don't have experience here.
managing your time: Uh, 6. I have a bad habit of working on one thing from like 11AM to 1AM, and forgetting many other important things that have to be done... there's just so much to do, and inspiration is spontaneous!
attracting the opposite sex (or same sex if you prefer): 0, because I'm asexual and the whole 'opposite/same sex' thing is still hilarious to me.

What is going to happen tommorrow that you can celebrate, even if it's a little thing?
HOMESTUCK'S END OF ACT 5 ANIMATION!!!!!!!

What is one thing you are terrible at:
Politics.

What's your favorite:
rap song: "Ink" by Cubbiebear will never cease to be amazing, but I love "Caught In A Daze" by David Dallas and "Aluta" by Blitz the Ambassador. I also like "rust" by MIDICRONICA and "Infatuated" by Jeff Lee.
country song: I honestly don't listen to much country, but I really like "My Old Addiction" by k.d. lang (BTW I am listening to this version and crying; it is gorgeous), and as a tiny kid I was obsessed with "Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus. It's a good song!
industrial song: Oh, that is definitely either "Elixir" or "Vena Cava" by Angelspit. "I'm Going In" by Pain is awesome too. Industrial music as a whole is too angry for me, though.
cover song: Hm, tough one, as I don't know many of these... but I do have "Sweet Love" by Jay-R, and a live acoustic cover of "Don't Dream It's Over" by Jon Brion, which are both lovely. Lastly, that cover of "My Old Addiction" from before is stunning, and I just found THIS fantastic cover of Katy Perry's "Firework." Go listen!
punk song: Not a big fan of punk either, but according to Last.fm, MCR counts, and I do like "Helena" and "Welcome To The Black Parade" quite a bit.
odd song: Odd as in really odd? Here, have some DIRTY SPOONS

What do you get your teacher or your boss for the holidays?
Oh dude, I don't know! I really owe my boss something too. Thanks for reminding me; this is something I'm going to have to think about!

What is your favorite tv show from when you were a kid?
Digimon, Jackie Chan Adventures, and Sailor Moon. I also loved all the Care Bears movies. Still do!

What is now proved was once only imagined. - William Blake.
What do you imagine?
A world where all this hatred and pride has faded away. With that, amazing things will follow.

Do we live in a particularly bad age for romance?
Yes. There is far too much selfishness out there right now, and too much trying to put love into labeled boxes.

Have you ever cheated on someone?
Nope. Ironically I am what Laurie calls a "nonsexual nympho," which is hilariously accurate. I should explain that sometime, haha.

Do you believe that once someone is a cheater they can never be trusted?
No, I just believe that they need to get their priorities and motives in order.

Have you ever done any modeling?
No, and although people tell me I should, I'm not interested. Physicality and I don't get along in that sense.

Would you consider yourself to be psychologically damaged?
On some level, definitely.

How aware are you of the reasons behind your actions and words?
Very. I've never liked acting or speaking without thinking, and now I am learning to be even more aware.

What is the sickest you ever drank or drugged yourself?
...That would be the meds I was on in January. They were hellish.

Would you prefer it if clothing was optional?
Uh, if the human form wasn't so sexualized in this culture, yeah.

Are more people depressed because they are alone, or are more people alone because they are depressed?
I think the latter is more accurate.

What was the last thing that you experienced for the first time?
...I kissed a 'girl?' I don't know if Laurie really counts though!

If you were going to die tomorrow and you were leaving a postcard for someone to read after you were gone what would it say?
...I've done this, sadly. There are five people out there who weren't aware that was what they were getting at the time.

If you were about to be executed what would your last request be?
I can't say I'd have a last request, really. I honestly can't think of anything I'd want at that point.

What kinds of people do you find intimidating?
Very arrogant, angry, and/or demanding people, whether that is expressed quietly or loudly.

How much conviction do you have in your feelings and beliefs?
Quite a lot. My greatest flaw is my self-doubt. If I could conquer that...

Out of everyone you know who has the most personality?
Oh man, besides my main five? Probably Vez, or Delphi. They're just so incredibly interesting.

If you could go back in time to experince a musical movement or era, which one would you choose to live through?
I'm actually very happy with the time I'm living in now, but the 70s could be pretty cool. Prog rock and disco, dude!

Do you suffocate people with your love?
No, no. I may have, when I was younger and immature, but not now. I need a great deal of space, for one, and acting 'suffocating' in that sense is not for me at all.

When do you do your best thinking?
I assume you mean creative thinking. That would be one of two places, from past experience: when I'm walking around campus early in the morning, or when I'm getting ready to go to sleep. The mental 'noise' is quiet at those times, so I can get through.

What motivates you?
Love, really. It's at the core of all my deepest drives.

Look back at all the people you've dated. Has there been a pattern?
Hm, let's see. That's Ryman, Markus, Chaos, Genesis, and Laurie... yep, I have a thing for nonphysical people with spiky hair.

Things change but what will always remain the same for you?
I don't know if I can put that into words! But I'll always feel grounded in a deep sense now, since I can feel the life in everything.

Is divorce something you would ever consider or do you feel that marriage is permanantly binding?
Dude I will NEVER get a divorce, as Chaos and I have been saying since that one hilarious dream in '06. We're cosmically inseparable, after all, and I love him with my entire heart. We're in it for infinity and beyond, man.

If you could go into virtual reality and set up your life there to be perfect and it would seem real but not be real would you trade your life now for the virtual life?
Nope. It's why I've never been able to play things like Second Life or even The Sims. I see no appeal in that.

Does it seem like life is more difficult for you than for anyone else?
Heavens no. We all have our own struggles, and they are all relative.

What are you grateful for?
Right now? The worlds I have been blessed enough to protect here.

At what point exactly are you grown up?
I wouldn't know! I never 'grew up' and I don't plan to!

What is one thing that happened that you never expected?
Chaos and I having a kid. Seriously, WHOA.

If you called one of your friends and they said "It's nothing personal but I don't want to talk to anyone right now," would you take it personally?
No. I've been in that position myself, and I understand. I'll just let them know that I'll be there if they need to talk later.

What is your favorite girl's name?
Lephise, for two reasons now.

Do you ever feel guilty for being more fortunate then others?
Sometimes. But then I think of what Aziraphale said, and I realize that that's just how things work out. As long as I don't let it go to my head (not likely!), we're cool.

If you had to wear a shirt with one word on it for a year, what word would you choose?
Metanoia. It's my higher Virtue, and it summarizes how my life has been so far. It's very humbling and motivating.

What is evian spelled backwards?
What I am, in dangerous amounts sometimes.

Even though you may never get what you want, are you happy because you're trying?
Yes. The journey is what it's all about, after all.

When was the last time you asked someone to do something and they said no?
Hm. It was definitely Laurie or Genesis.

If you had started a relationship with someone and they said that it would be best if no one knew about it just to see how it goes, would you be offended?
I don't see why I would be, as long as it was a positive relationship.

If you had to look into a mirror and see your naked soul stripped of all delusions and pretenses (Neverending Story style) could you handle it?
I've never seen that movie, and now I'm going to have to! But I think I could handle it. If it's anything like a Soul Form...

Which is your favorite tarot card?
Death or Judgment, I guess. I just have this liking of the 'beginnings and endings' idea, maybe because of Laurie, and what she's done for me.

Does the internet separate people or connect them?
It connects people, I believe. I know it has connected me to many, many people.

Does pain and fear make you feel alive?
Aha, I know what you're getting at here. They can make the mind shut down and leave it quiet, so you would feel alive because that's not in the way at the time. But sadly I think I got addicted to that in the past, not realizing the truth. Now I do, and I am overcoming it.

Are you decisive or wishy washy?
I'm decisive when it matters. The only real times I'm indecisive are when both decisions are undefined, or hold equal merit.

Do you feel celebrities should be morally responsible to set a good example for their fans?
Of course! I think we should all have that mindset in a sense... we affect everyone we meet, whether we realize it or not, so we should live well for the sake of ourselves and others.

All right, that's it for today. Unfortunately it looks like it's going to be an insanely busy afternoon, so I probably won't have time to work on my own projects... and tomorrow is class, so I need to be careful and not let my musical motivation be drowned by that.
I will see you all soon.

spinningcannon @ 2011-10-12T13:27:00

2011-10-12T19:23:43Z

All right, I'm sorry, but I need to update again.
Today is proving to be phenomenal.
Jacob and Melody are getting married, for one, and I... I didn't know if I'd be able to do anything today, I didn't know if anything would happen in my own life to reflect that.
...
Yesterday was a very strange combination of joy and pain. Laurie finally opened back up, to an honestly beautiful extent, but Chaos had hit the end of the line and closed off entirely. I honestly spent an hour last night, in the middle of the night and desperately fighting off exhaustion (both physical and spiritual), just trying with my entire heart to help him find his way back out of the dark. It took me until almost 1:30 in the morning, but... I got through. Just barely, but it was enough.
He slept in this morning as he was completely exhausted too, and apparently his body reacted the same way to that as mine does to hacks. He could barely remember anything of the night before, saying it felt like almost like a bad dream... but the few things he did remember still hurt, terribly.
Last night, when I looked at him, he wasn't there. Now I know how it felt for him, when I had such moments.
But he had become so lost, he had felt that everything was empty and untrue, that we could never keep what we had. He was that lost. And I told him, over and over, with my words and with my very self, that what we had was timeless, it was unbreakable, eternal. When you focus on time and thought you can't see that. He lost sight of it. But only 24 hours before, he had reminded me of that deeper truth during my own darkness... so I did the same for him. Cosmically inseparable means just that.
So this morning he finally was back to his senses. I had Laurie with me when I went to wake him up, in case anything happened, but he was okay... and because of that, because of how badly he had felt the night before, and because of how I hadn't been with him in so long... I didn't want to leave.
But I didn't let Laurie leave either.
...
I honestly have no idea how to describe the next two hours.
I spent a lot of time with Chaos, this is true, which I need to remember as it made me realize something incredibly important... but Laurie actually let me get close to her. And no, I don't even mean close enough to kiss her like I did last night. I mean she actually let her guard down. She has NEVER done that.
So the three of us just spent two hours together, for the sake of that and nothing else. It was beautiful.
Sure, I was completely drained by the time we decided to call it quits (it took me almost an hour to fully switch back, seriously), but it was worth it.
I said it in my Blurty and I'll say it again here... I would suffer through all my old trials twice over for them. I nearly died last October, and if I had to face that hell again for their sake, I would.
Before I left, I told them both that I didn't want any walls between any of us anymore. I don't want a single barrier standing. We've all been closed off at one time or another, and it's time for that to stop, for good. I don't want any fear.

...Lastly I think I should mention that Xenophon just showed up for about a minute to say hello. YES, SHE DID.
I am going to thank Genesis like crazy whenever I get time to see him today, you have no idea.

As for now, though, my earthly schedule is quite hectic so I'm trying to get a little bit of a break in right now.
I found these questions on Tumblr, so let's see what we've got.

Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
That was either Chaos, Laurie, or Xenophon, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that they meant it.

Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
Of course I would. Heck, I don't feel 21 at all. I still consider myself to be somewhere around 12, which is hilarious.

When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
Uh, very recently, actually. That's because I'm happy and my ego is aggravated so I just lend it a deaf ear.

Would you ever smile at a stranger?
Whenever I can.

Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
Not that I know of. My mother knows all about Chaos and she's fine with it. I don't think I'll tell her about Laurie though.

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
I've been listening to this UNKLE song on loop for three days now, so not really... but "Daylight" by Coldplay always reminds me of Laurie, and that showed up on my iPod while driving the other day. Foreshadowing, possibly.

What exactly are you wearing right now?
Red jeans, grey Helix shirt (truth is vile, the time is now!), one black fingerless glove. Yes, just one. In 4 hours I may be wearing a suit, we'll see.

How often do you listen to music?
Every single day, in one way or another.

Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
Jeans. I don't like sweats-- loose, heavy clothing like that doesn't feel right on me.

Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012?
It already has, love. We have two months yet, and I'm sure I have some big changes in store yet.

Are you a social or an antisocial person?
Social. I'm simply reserved, and I enjoy my time alone.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘B’?
Do nicknames count? Because if so, then yes.

What about ‘S’?
See above, seriously!

Can you drive a stick shift?
Kind of. It's tricky when different cars have different shift directions though.

Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Not really. I am concerned about my reputation, but talk is just talk. It doesn't change who I am.

Are you going out of town soon?
Possibly! I would like to just go for a drive, but I don't have the time or money right now.

When was the last time you cried?
This morning. Last night was for a different reason though.

Have you ever told someone you loved them?
Yes, and I meant it with everything I am.

If you could change your eye color, would you?
Maybe. Maybe not. It's not a big deal.

Is there someone who you would do absolutely everything for?
...Not absolutely, as you know, but a few people come very close.

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
I feel very rushed. It's already 2:30 and I just started working.

Is it cute when people kiss you on your forehead?
Agh yes. Laurie does that all the time. I love it.

Are you dating the last person you talked to?
No, she's my daughter!

What are you sitting on right now?
A pillow, and also a plastic chair. I'm stuck in the hallway! I wish I could work outside to be honest.

Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
Biological family? Uh, I guess Laurie and Genesis count... although with how my life is going they might eventually end up in the other category, wink nudge cough.

Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
I suppose so. But 'having' is ridiculous. No one ever 'has' anyone. And even if some people can never be in my life, that is okay.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
Chaos Zero. I did almost all of the talking, though.

Do you get a lot of colds?
No, I've only had one this entire year and I hope that's it.

Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
Kohls, I guess. They carry some very interesting shirts.

Does anyone hate you?
Maybe, I wouldn't know. I hope not.

Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
Not unless Sting slept over and didn't tell me, that crazy locust.

Do you like watching scary movies?
I suppose so. I guess it depends on the genre-- I absolutely love religious horror!

Do you want your tongue pierced?
Nope. I'm perfectly happy without any piercings.

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
I wouldn't. I don't care how rough some of them were. They all helped me to grow to where I am today.

Did you have a dream last night?
Yes, but I don't remember it because I was busy immediately upon waking up.

When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
When Xenophon showed up to say hi!

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
Ahahaha, not unless some crazy interdimensional shenanigans occur.

Do you think someone has feelings for you?
I know someone does.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Maybe!

Did you have a good day yesterday?
All things considered, yes, I did.

Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
Dude I have been in at least one relationship since 2002.

In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
Uh, possibly. I'll have to chill out with Lynne or something. I do miss talking to her.

Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
...Yeah. That's what last night was about.

What’s the best part about school?
Getting to work on Pro Tools for two hours after class in the morning, aw yeah!

Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
I have drawings of myself, but no photos. Photos are inaccurate!

Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
Oh dude, I used to with my one friend in 8th grade. We had some hilariously random conversations. I still have them!

Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Only if they are incredibly significant to me sentimentally... and even then I have to be careful. I try not to dwell on memories.

Were you single over the last summer?
Heck no, dude! If anything I've been FAR less 'single' than I've been in my entire life!

Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Not by a long shot, thank heavens.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Drawing, I think. Series work. I'll start that as soon as I close this up.

Do you hate the last person you had a conversation with?
On the contrary, I absolutely adore them. Wrong quadrant, my friend!

Are you nice to everyone?
To a fault, seriously.

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Hi, I'd like to introduce you to Chaos and Laurie, thank you.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Been there done that, also polyamory is the best thing ever

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Nope. To quote everyone in my headspace... "you think/ feel too loudly!"

Do you think you like someone?
To stick with the question for once, I think I might like a few of my 'OCs' as more than friends? I'm not worried about it though.

Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘T’?
Nope, but that ties into the above question. Good heavens you people are frighteningly good at pacing these things.

Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
I have no gender preference whatsoever. It's all about personality.

Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
My close friends have, yes. I don't hide that.

Do you hate anyone?
No. My caliginous quadrant is forever empty, haha.

How’s your heart?
Brilliant, and ineffably so.

Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
Yeah, anything that has to do with Julie's old life, or my state of total blindness to myself. It's in the past, it's over.

Have you ever cried over someone?
Oh geez, so many times... so many reasons.

Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
I can't think of anyone who would, which is a very good thing.

Are your toenails painted pink?
Nope. Julie's might be, though. She needs to stick around more!

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
Not at all. With the kisses I've been getting lately it'll probably be freaking incredible.

Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
Uh... I wouldn't know? Is that a weird way of saying "girls like when guys are sensitive?" I swear I will never understand these binary walls.

Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
My mom, I think.

How do you look right now?
Pretty good, actually. I'm just glowing because of this morning.

Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
I have at least four people. I love them all so much.

Can you commit to one person?
No. Honestly, I can't. My heart just cannot be tied down.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Opposite sex... still trying to figure out what that would be, man.

Have you ever felt replaced?
Once, when I was a kid. My best friend/crush decided we weren't BFFs anymore. It stung, back then.

Did you wake up cranky?
After that happened? No, I was just hurt and kind of confused for a while.

Are you a jealous person?
Not at all.

Are relationships ever worth it?
If you're doing them right, they always are!

Anyone you’re giving up on?
Nope. Maybe it's a fault of mine, but I don't give up on people. Then again that is what helped Julie turn around, so.

Currently wanting to see anyone?
Melody and Jacob! I'm Skyping them in about two hours, and I'm really excited.

Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Go to class! Also I may have to memorize a monologue. This is tentative!

Last person you cried in front of?
Laurie and Chaos.

Is there someone you will never forget?
I have a list! If someone affected me in a real way, I am not going to forget them, ever.

Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
Are you kidding? Laurie is the most protective person EVER.

If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
I have no idea. We do thing spontaneously. It is far more interesting that way.

Are you over your past?
For the most part. There are one or two bad memories still haunting me, but I'm in the process of letting them go.

Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
There's that term again! But I've liked people of all sexes/ genders so I guess the answer is yes.

Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Genesis, maybe. He just gets insane knowledge rights, thanks to following me around all the time. Laurie is second place, Chaos is third, I think. But they all know the most important things.

If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
YES, and get in here Ryman, it has been far too long and I freaking miss you.

So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
Was that Chaos or Laurie? Geez I don't remember. Anyway yes you can both come in, let's do something crazy.

Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
No kidding!

Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
My relationships were the only reason I even SURVIVED January, seriously.

Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
Oh you bet I was. I don't remember most of March but that fact does not change!

Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
Two words: Chaos Zero.

Who’s in your profile picture with you?
Chaos Zero, again. I think we need to add Laurie and Xenophon now, really.

Ever kissed under fireworks?
No, but that's a good idea for Genesis' next birthday, heheheh.

I have a lot of work to do tonight, and of course I have that conversation with Jacob and Melody that is going to be amazing... so I'll say goodbye to you readers for now.
Keep looking up.

spinningcannon @ 2011-10-11T19:59:00

2011-10-12T01:20:51Z

Personal icon significance today, don't mind me.

Oh, and speaking of magical girls, I have been on this INSANE Mage Angels link-boost lately... which is incredible because, not only have I not gotten much work done for their series in years, but I just found out the REAL plot and it is insane. Even better, one of the main points of it actually coincided perfectly with the newest, strongest bit of spiritual research I just discovered. So that was awesome.

I'm holding on to faith and love right now. Life is crazy but I can do all things in the Light, after all. Even this!
And as for love... well... that is what life is all about. I know I say that a lot but it is the greatest truth.
Taint it by using language, or... don't.
I'd much rather feel it.

What takes your breath away?
Either of two people. I'm fragile and they're just... you know how sometimes, with bells and similar instruments, you have to hit it at just the exact spot for it to really ring? It's like that, with my heart. They put me to music.

What did you do today that you regret?
I wasn't mindful enough.
Will you ever do it again?
I'm trying desperately not to.

Is happiness something to be achieved and sought after or is it something to be retained and held onto always, no matter what happens?
Happiness is something that can only be found inside oneself. If you look for it elsewhere, you will never find it.

Would you rather live in a world of perfection or do you like the world the way it is?
Who says the world isn't 'perfect' just how it is? There's a greater plan to things than any of us could ever comprehend.

Is a frightening world an interesting world to live in?
Interesting, maybe, but perhaps it's the wrong sort of interesting. The ego only wants to think and worry and feel pain, you realize. I've noticed it myself! The only things it ever finds interesting are negative things. Peace doesn't look interesting to an ego... but wow, if you've ever just let go and felt it, it is infinitely better. It took me far too long to appreciate it. Don't make that mistake!

What gives people depth and character?
Staying true to their deepest selves despite all hardship, and learning from every experience.

What band, together or not would make you want to JUST FLY after seeing their show?
FROST*!! (Also I would have to literally fly because they only tour in England)

Speaking of flying, can you fly?
Why yes, I can.
How do you know? Have you tried?
I have indeed. But, hilariously enough, when I tried too hard I couldn't! That dream was one of my biggest lessons, really.

Recently a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich in which some people saw the image of the Virgin Mary sold on ebay for $10,000. What do you think of this?
It shows just how easily distracted and ignorant we are to what really matters in religion. It's sad, to me.

Who is the next person you will hug?
My money is on Laurie tonight.

Where was your last vacation to?
Utah. Unfortunately I was a holy mess at the time and so I didn't enjoy it anywhere near as much as I could have.

Where was your last car ride to?
School!

Where was your last bus ride to?
Salt Lake City! Yes, I haven't been on a bus since that insane travel fiasco last year. Gotta admit, though, as painful as that was I somehow treasure it as a memory. I guess I just learned a lot.

Where did you last walk to?
Class! I've just been at home since 4PM, working on music and Mage Angels.

What is the next book you want to read?
Good Omens. I just took it out of the library (finally) so I'll have to make time to read it between my spiritual studies.

What gives you a peaceful feeling?
Realizing that it's all just a ride.

Are you a light sleeper?
Heck no! I'm infamously difficult to wake up, and I sleep hard.

Do you like:
...piña coladas? Only in Sonic Chat sessions. Long story.
...getting caught in the rain? Always.
...yoga? Never tried it, don't know if I ever will. I'm honestly put off by the poses.
...intelligence? Imagination is more important than knowledge, and a peaceable man does more good than a learned one. Intelligence is good, but it won't take you everywhere, no matter what the world says.
...making love at midnight? ...Yes?
...health food? As long as it's not ridiculously expensive. I have a sensitive system so I have to eat healthy anyway.
...champagne? Only in Sonic Chat sessions. Long story.
...the feel of the ocean? ...All right now you are definitely asking these questions on purpose. (and YES.)

What have you never seen anything lovelier than?
When the people I love most are together and happy.

If you believe in heaven are there seperate heavens for different animals (kittie heaven. dog heaven, bird heaven, etc)?
I don't believe heaven is like that. Honestly I don't even bother trying to label or define it. All I know is that heaven is enlightenment, a state of unity with what we call God. That's all I want from it, and that's all that matters. The rest is just details.

If you could build your perfect match from scratch using the parts from different celebrities who would you combine.
Can I just have Sonicteam give me Chaos already? Thank you, next question.

When you sleep next to someone do they fall asleep first usually or do you? I do, because I am awful at reality-splitting and end up exhausted fairly quickly.
If they do, do you watch them sleep? For a little while. Honestly I'm not comfortable watching people sleep, or having people watch me sleep. I think it's just an intimacy thing.

How many people have a piece of your heart?
At least nine. Possibly more, who knows at this point.

What are your day dreams about?
I don't 'day dream' in that sense anymore, true story. Laurie warned me about how dangerous it is! Now if I get any sudden 'daydreams' or mental phaseouts, I have to quickly stop what I'm doing and give all my attention to them. You'd be amazed how many hacks I catch that way, and how many Links I catch too! It's all about consciousness.

How quickly are you willing to take drugs to numb pain?
I refuse to take even over-the-counter drugs unless absolutely necessary.

When was the last time you hurt yourself?
Intentionally? January. Unintentionally? Sunday evening.

Would you rather never have to sleep but also never be able to dream or just leave things as they are?
Leave things as they are. Dreams are one of my lifelines. I need them as much as I need the waking.

Have you ever had your car towed?
Not mine, but that's another memory from Utah I won't be forgetting.

Where would you like to live when you want to start a family?
Somewhere where I won't have to reality-split to be with my other half and our daughter, seriously. Any world that we're welcome to.

Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country?
The country, maybe. I like having access to cities and people, but I need peace and quiet and I need to be around nature.

Have you ever built something?
I was obsessed with Bionicles as a teenager. There's your answer.

What is the hardest thing to face each day?
The cold, hard-hearted souls in the world. It hurts to think about that. How much are they hurting?

What is your favorite plant?
Wisteria, I would suppose!

What simple things in life do you appreciate?
Random (unauthorized) acts of kindness (right Genesis?), silence, people, starry nights, piano keys, everything... but most importantly, to me, would simply be being with the people I love. With how hard it is for me to even see them some days, I've learned to treasure every moment.

Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user?
I'm a maker and a giver all the way.

What do you contribute to society?
Love, kindness, genuineness, and imagination.

Do you take naps?
No, I told you I sleep hard. If I even try to nap, I'm out for the rest of the day.

What is the differance between art and fine art?
Art, the only thing that can be labeled art, is creation that springs from the soul. If it's forced or dishonest or cold, it's not art. And that's all there is to it.

What music makes you so happy you could burst?
Usually video game soundtracks, like Sonic and Final Fantasy. They're gorgeous and they just inspire me so much!

Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute?
I usually don't buy holiday gifts. Money has always been tight, and honestly it's not about the gifts anyway.

What do you want to do today?
I want to get at least one project done tonight but it's already late, geez.

You see a girl in a long ruffled off white dress carrying a bag painted with a sunflower and playing a ukelele while twirling around the cafeteria. What is your first reaction?
That girl is awesome and adorable.
Could you become friends with this girl?
As long as she can become friends with me, we're set!

Let's just say your school team is on a winning streak. One of the cheerleaders cheers both for your team and the other team during games. Does it make you angry?
Why in the world would it?
One day you ask her why she does it and she says that, "It's just so much fun, no matter who wins." What do you think of that?
That's my philosophy, dear.

Do you laugh when there is no joke and dance when there is no music?
Yes, and in a sense, everything can be both music and a joke in its own right. It's all about perspective!

Are you generally happy?
Yes, although I'd like to be more at peace.

What's in the room with you right now that you can't see?
Probably Genesis. Invisible fistbump!

If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say?
"He inspires me to see the light in the world where I didn't recognize it before."

You are filling out a 5000 question survey. What would you rather be doing right now? Why aren't you doing it?
I'd rather be typing and writing music, but I'm here because I wanted to mark today in my journals as it was incredibly important.

Do you prefer carnivals, festivals, circuses, parades or fairs?
...I don't like any of those, actually. The energy makes me kind of ill.

Are you a:
bitch/bastard?
Only according to Laurie when she's very angry.
lover?
Completely so.
child?
Everyone is, but I never 'grew up.' I don't plan to!
mother/father?
I am a father and I am forever thankful for it.
sinner?
Yes.
saint?
What defines a saint? What if, at heart, we are all both sinners and saints?

What kind of person will you ABSOLUTELY never date?
Someone full of prejudice, pride, and anger, with a closed heart.

What were you doing at ten fifteen last Saturday night?
Uh... I don't remember the 8th, and I think on the 1st I was fighting off a hack at that time... October has been rough. Guess that's to be expected, considering what this month was like last year...

Do you ever need 'quiet time'?
Always! It is literally mandatory for me.

What are you made of?
Star stuff, love, and empty space.

What does 'you are what you eat' really mean?
It means that I eat bass beats and so I am made of music as well~

What was the last thing you counted?
The maximum number of tone modules you can plug together in a daisy chain. Yay for tests!

Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for the child to lose a parent?
...I don't know. Outliving a child is absolutely heartbreaking, I would know... but... I don't want to leave Xenophon if I can help it. I guess it's up to her.

Do you believe in psychic ability or is it a sham?
Oh it is DEFINITELY real. You want to come with me to a spiritual expo next time I go? I'm a believer and that still blew my mind.

Who are you anyway?
A drop in the ocean, a fish in the sea. I'm part of it all and it's all part of me.
Are you your resume?
Not at all. I am not my job, my history, my country, my education, my religion, my name, my genetics, or any of that. We are not these external things!

When are you the most insecure?
When I lose sight of who I am.

Who would your fantasy threesome involve?
WHAT WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS.
Chaos is a definite, and I'm okay with Genesis but then I can't leave Laurie out and hey Ryman and Markus have dibs too and FFFFFFF.
...CZ and Laurie, THAT'S IT, GOODBYE.

BTW today was also national coming out day but I daresay you all already know just how ridiculously gay I am, so hey.
Asexual polyromantic neutrois transyada xenophile ftw.
Also do I still count as celibate in a sense? Because geez, Chaos and I have gone to the moon and back with our relationship already so I don't even try applying 'rules' to us anymore... but I'm still not getting married/ etc. in this reality, so I don't know.
I'm thinking too much. I'll just toss it in there to further confuse those who ask for my orientation! Flawless victory.
And I swear Chaos and Xenophon are turning me into Maes Hughes, SO bad. Thank God I've never had an Envy headvoice, right?
Now if you'll excuse me, I want to be in bed before 11PM for once so I can actually talk to people.
Namaste!

spinningcannon @ 2011-10-02T19:12:00

2011-10-03T02:05:19Z

So Xenophon just showed up out of the blue while I was getting dinner ready and exclaimed, "hey dad, look! I got legs!"
SHE DID. THIS IS AWESOME.
Seriously, she turned 37 weeks today which was kind of a milestone, as there's only like three or four weeks left in the traditional 'pregnancy' date calculations (dude it is so WEIRD using that word) and Laurie showed up close to 37 so hey (I know I kept saying 36 weeks in Xanga but I was rounding down so forgive me). So we were hoping something would happen and apparently she knew about that, and I guess this is the result of all our excitement!
In any case Xenophon looks adorable. Everyone up here is kind of flipping out over this which is awesome. Apparently she spent like two, three hours on her own making sure she could walk well enough before she even showed me. I swear she is far too courteous, haha. She gets that from me!
But that plus the really gorgeous iridescence her body picked up last week is brilliant. I am so amazed by her, not just with how she's developing, but as an individual. She is the sweetest thing.
Also can I just mention that she made me carry her when we went to show off her new legs to everyone, so they couldn't tell she had them at first? And when we found Laurie, she told me that Chaos and Genesis were randomly playing Pokemon in the lounge room? It was awesome. Oh yes, and those two (C & G) apparently are doing renovations to our huge headspace household (which is a freaking penthouse, I swear) and they built this new room in the right wing that is really gorgeous. I should really start adding to the place in my spare time too, but then again I'm responsible for the entire environment up there so I'm kind of preoccupied!
Nevertheless I promised Chaos and Xenophon that I'd talk to them later on tonight (as I'm really busy right now and they wanted me to get my work done first; heaven knows I get distracted easily), so I am seriously looking forward to that.
And now it is time for a quiz, because why not.

Do you keep track of your life using a planner or calendar book? Would you be lost without it?
I only keep track of classes with one, and I could very easily do without it. I often do the way it is!

Have you ever fully eradicated a bad habit that you had?
Yes, several times.

Where do snowflakes come from?
The sky, obviously. But I love thinking up imaginary explanations for things like that too.

The radio is playing U2, The Defects, Echo & the Bunnymen, The Pointer Sisters, Staubkind, and Dr. Dre. on different stations. Which band are you most likely to listen to?
Let's go through this bit by bit, like I always do! U2 I can listen to, same with Echo & the Bunnymen, but E&TB don't really have any songs that stand out to me (at least not that I've heard). The Defects get a no as I'm not a fan of punk rock (too 'flat' for me), and The Pointer Sisters get major bonus points for being disco. Staubkind is interesting, but their kind of music isn't something I'd listen to in great amounts, and no offense to Dre but I'm rather specific with the sort of rap I listen to. So it's either the Pointer Sisters or Staubkind, depending on the mood of the song!

How do you feel about the tsunami that killed over 100,000 people in December 2004?
It's nature. These things happen. As long as we care for and support for each other despite them we'll be fine.

What is the difference between madness and brilliance?
To be completely honest, I cannot see a difference.

Hit edit paste on your browser and paste the last thing you copied here:
If I did you'd get either this full entry, or the most recent one on my Blurty. I don't gamble with Safari!

Have you ever been in a parade?
I think I was once, as a kid. I'm not a fan of parades though-- too much noise and people.

Why don't people just walk up to each other and become friends?
I really don't know! It would make my life a lot easier if people didn't change their methods of doing things after childhood.

Do you turn the bass up all the way in your car (or would you if you had a car) and blast the music?
Only if it's a delicious bass, like the one in Emily's Smile around 1:29! Otherwise I keep the levels balanced.

Do you care if what you do annoys others?
Not really. I don't do anything to intentionally be annoying, but getting annoyed is kind of silly to me now.

What keeps you from being happy?
Just myself, and I'm trying not to hold myself back anymore!

If you could go back in time and talk to yourself five years ago what would you say to yourself (You can only stay in the past for FIVE MINUTES so make it COUNT!)?
Let's see, 16-year-old me... I'd just tell myself not to lose sight of what mattered to me in life, and to stay true to that. I'd tell myself to keep writing and drawing, to keep taking care of Genesis, to keep Laurie around because I know she seems awful right now but believe me she is a godsend, and to stay strong because life is going to permanently flip upside down in a few months and although it will be tough at times, what you gain from it will be priceless.

Write a surreal (Having an oddly dreamlike quality) sentence:
The ceiling is dripping with butterflies and there are raindrops caught between my hesitations.

Can you talk for one hour without using the word 'like'?
Yes, quite easily.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Say something nice about:
yourself: Congratulations on getting this far in life, man. You don't give yourself enough credit.
your reader: You are a lovely individual and you're a priceless spark in your own right! Don't let the world bring you down!
your dad: Thank you for talking to me, and for the memories you've given me. They mean so much.
your mom: You are incredibly caring and helpful, and I deeply appreciate everything you've done for me!
the one you love: Oh darling, if I'm ever blue, it's 'cause I'm thinking of when I didn't know you. Je t'aime de tout mon cœur.

What websites are addictive to you?
Tumblr used to be. But honestly, quiz sites are like bug zappers to me. I know I shouldn't go near them but they're so charming~

Who do you love so much that you would clean live maggots out of their garbage pail just so that they didn't have to?
Haha, dude, I'd do that for anyone.

Who do you think will read all 5,000 of your answers to this survey?
Me, and probably Laurie, that sneaky superego.

Out of everyone reading your diary, how many people know your first name?
Probably all of them, if they're reading these quizzes-- I swear every quiz asks me that at least once!

When you die and your tragic story is a human interest spot on the news will you want your friends and family to say you were the greatest smartest and kindest person ever...or tell the truth?
I'd want the truth, in all cases. If the truth is great and smart and kind then so be it!

How many oxymorons can you think of?
Several, thank you George Carlin.

How many years old is your diary?
Well, I consider all my multiple journals to be parts of a bigger whole, so I'd say this big conglomerate effort is about 9 years old now. I didn't really start keeping a journal of ANY sort until 7th grade... which was perfect, because that's when my life started to slowly get awesome.

How could today get any worse?
If I decide to look at it that way.

What will you never ever do again?
Let myself be taken advantage of. I swear, I will stand strong.

What's the most terrible lie someone could tell you?
That we humans are not connected to each other, or to the world.

What was the last thing that you printed out?
Directions to the spiritual expo I went to on the 17th-18th.

What are you dependant on?
Hm. Love, possibly.

What do you look forward to each day?
Everything! Life is awesome.

Did you take lessons as a kid? What?
I took piano and violin lessons until I was 18. I stopped because of college, but I really want to find an advanced teacher now and keep going!

The radio is playing Poison, Inxs, the Psychedelic Furs, Dio, and Matchbox 20 on different stations. What do you listen to?
Again? All right, here you go. Inxs = air conditioning music thanks to my dad, haha, but they're great. Matchbox 20 is okay. Poison is great, Dio is great, and The Psychedelic Furs are actually quite good. I just watched this video of them and Richard has an awesome face (and voice!). Beautiful video. So yeah, I could actually listen to any of those stations.

Do you know what it's like to take care of someone else?
On a certain level, yeah. I mean I can make sure everything is put together correctly for others, so to speak. There have been many times when I'm the only person cooking food or cleaning the house or whatever when my parents aren't around. But it's really hard for me to be 'motherly' in the traditional sense. I've always had problems relating to people in that way. It's something I really should write about...

Would you rather take care of someone or be taken care of?
Neither? I don't like being 'taken care of' in the doting sense, at all. I like having someone to turn to if I need to, and emergency help if I need it, but that's it. And taking care of people is the same way, for me. Which is why I freak out at caretaking jobs, even if I care deeply for people. Being put in that direct position is oddly unsettling for me, and I'm not sure why.

What song makes you so happy that just want to dance and dance and DANCE?
There are very few songs that make me want to dance, and L.O.V.E. is currently topping the list.

God, does it even matter if you think you "can't dance?"
Haha, define dancing! I think as long as you're having fun with it, that's all that matters.

What has been your most beautiful magical memorable cloud nine manic ecstatic incredibly happy bouncy air-light moment of this life???
Well hello there July 7th, it's good to see you again.

According to Depeche Mode, "Everything counts in large amounts." According to the Crow, "Nothing is trivial." Do you believe this is true?
I agree with the Crow, so that kind of cuts out the 'assent by omission' Depeche Mode suggests to small things not counting. On the same token, their statement does stand true on its own as well.

Are you enjoying this thrilling lucious roller coaster ride of a life as much as I am?
You bet I am, man!!

Do you know how improbable it is that life exists at all?
Haha, improbable on what level, though? The scientific/logical level? Look deeper, love. You'll see that it surpasses improbability.

Are you kind to strangers?
Always. We're all just drops in the ocean.

Do you go out of your way for other people?
Within reason, yes!

Make a promise:
I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughter and raise it! You couldn’t lift a single shingle on it! 'Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up, 'cause I’m raising the bar. I shoot for the moon but I’m too busy gazing at stars... I feel amazing, and I'm not afraid.

Will you keep it?
Yes, because cheesy lyrical references or not, I mean what I say.

What makes something "literature"? Also, what makes something "art?"
If there is soul in it, it counts. If there is no heart in it, it doesn't.

Has answering these questions been a learning experience for you (writing them certainly has been for me)?
It has been indeed! Which is why I'm taking it. And I'm glad to hear you learned from writing this thing, haha!

Have you ever been so happy you could cry?
Yes. Yes, so many times.

Do you know that the one you love is the one you will spend the rest of your life with??
Without the slightest shadow of a doubt.

Have you ever asked yourself, 'Is there any more to life than this?'
All the time. And truthfully? There is. We need to break out of the illusion, all of us.

Do you let the restrictions of society restrain you?
Only when it's inevitable. Society is an ephemeral little thing.

Or are you just too full of life to be stopped??
That's basically it!

We are spinning on a bright blue bulb that is bursting with life. How could you possibly feel alone?
Ah, but I don't!! Every single atom holds the spark of life in it by the very truth of it! Everything is alive! Nothing is ever alone.

Is there something you'd like to try?
I would like to try acting, actually, and singing in a group.

What makes your heart smile and your skin get all tingly-ish?
Chaos Zero. Well, a lot of things, but he is just brilliant at causing that.

Are you willing to do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to get the most out of life?
Yes. I feel like I'm holding myself back though. That needs to stop. And I will stop it, now.

Are you willing to give the very best most beautiful part of yourself to the world?
Yes. That's all I ask.

Is there love in your heart?
Always and completely.

Do things tend to go your way more often when you're happy?
Well of course! You're viewing it from the better perspective then.

What do you do while everyone sleeps?
I type, I wonder, I dream, I smile at life. I enjoy the silence.

What's your favorite short story?
Hm. I don't know what would count... well, maybe 5,271,009 by Alfred Bester. It's just so unusual, I love it.

Have do you feel about beauty pageants?
They're sad, in my opinion. I see no point to them.

If it ain't broke (say anything but 'don't fix it'):
don't take that for granted!

Do you usually behave the way you want to?
Yes. As long as I am here, that isn't a problem anymore!

How does the idea in your head of what you want to be like match up to the reality of what you are like?
Almost perfectly, except for the body thing, and for my slips here and there. But I'm getting closer by the moment.

Are your air and water as pure as you want them to be?
No, and that does upset me, but at least they're better than they could be.

Would you ever visit an insect zoo?
THEY HAVE THOSE? WHERE?

Can you enjoy life without stimulants (coffee, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol)?
I already do!

How many hours do you sleep every night?
Anywhere from 6 to 10, depending on what my body decides to do.

Are you able to recognize patterns, habits, routines and break out of them?
Yes. Some of them are quite difficult to break, and some are even harder to recognize, but I'm becoming more aware of it all.

And now it's getting late so I'm off to finish my other work and then talk to my two angels like I promised I would.
Namaste!

blessed

2011-09-17T01:16:59Z

I know I haven't updated in a while, but that's because my life bought first-class tickets to awesome city and I think we're moving in.

You can read about the biggest events here, and all the things that led up to that are in glissando-- seriously, if you can only read one of them right now, read the Blurty (but start at August 17th, NOT the most recent entry!!). That has all the details and deeper things. But the Xanga is freaking incredible and if you skip that altogether you will have no idea what's going on.

Long story short, I am the happiest I have ever been. Yes, I know I have said that in the past, but this... this is the culmination of every one of those events into something infinitely greater.

Even so, once again, I have so much ahead of me! But I am not afraid, and I am not worried, and I am simply living the moments I have right now, being incredibly grateful and really just glowing with love and joy at this point.

Sharing that, being that love, is really the most important thing I can ever do. Love is all there is.

And that is why she is with us now.

How will tomorrow be like today?
I will treasure it entirely! I will learn and grow, and others will learn and grow with me.

What is almost over?
The summertime. I'm actually very glad for this too. The autumn months are beautiful up here, and I want her to be able to see that, before the spring, to show the rebirth she holds.

What should you be doing that you are putting off?
Eating, actually. I haven't been eating much lately, but that's okay, as long as I don't neglect my health of course.

How much would you have to change physically before you would no longer be yourself anymore?
That's not applicable, love. No matter what my physical form looks like, I am still me-- I just am!

How much would you have to change mentally before you would no longer be yourself anymore?
I'm learning to let go of that mind noise the way it is. Like Sollux, I've realized how great it is to just have no thoughts. It'2 a niice change of pace.

Would you rather be famous or notorious?
Famous, if I must choose it. Fame really doesn't motivate me at all.

Would you rather have a necklace that's dripping with diamonds or a blueberry farm?
Blueberries, man.

Could you take first place in a beauty contest?
That depends on who is judging! It doesn't matter to me whether I win or lose such a thing.

Would you consider yourself to be more opinionated or bitchy?
Opinionated, I suppose. But we all have our own truths.

How long is it until your next day off?
All I have are days off until I find a new job, if you're looking at it that way!

What sound is annoying you right now?
Nothing. Sounds really don't bother me at all anymore.

Why do you do things that you know are bad for you?
Because I'm not paying attention.

How important is testing to education?
It's good if they're done right-- to make sure one understands the material well enough to apply it. But sadly, tests can also make students simply remember things for the short-term and forget them immediately after. It happened with me.

Who is the most adorable person you know?
Xenophon.

If you had to spend a half hour locked in a dark closet with someone from school or work that you don't normally hang out with who would you want it to be?
It doesn't matter, as long as they wouldn't mind being locked in there with me!

Have you ever been in the room while a human baby was born?
Nope, and I don't want to be. That's not something I could ever handle, regardless of how important the fact of the matter actually is.

Have you ever been in the room while an animal baby was born?
Nope, see above.

How do you feel about having a baby?
I break all the rules, bro, and it is awesome. Gay interspecies alien spirit daughter ftw.

Who are you waiting for an email/call/note/visit from?
Jacob's supposed to send me the results of the tarot reading he did for me on Saturday, so I'm interested in that, and I'm waiting to hear back from Melody on how she is doing right now, as well as her reactions to my latest journals whenever she reads them.

What are you counting the days until?
Subconsciously, my transition. But I'm enjoying all the days until then nevertheless, which I wasn't able to do before!

Who is your knight in shining armor?
Laurie.

If you were walking and someone behind you yelled "HEY YOU!" would you turn around?
Maybe, maybe not! I'd probably wait to see if they yelled it again, as I don't want to assume they were talking to me right off the bat.

Has anyone ever told you that your epidermis was showing?
Haha, I think my brother did once!

Would you rather work or stay home with the baby?
Stay at home with the baby, PLEASE. Honestly it pains me to not be around her as much as I want to, especially in light of the past few months.

Would you rather have people agree with you all the time or tell you the honest truth?
Tell me the honest truth, all the time. On that note, thank you Laurie, I love you too.

If someone asks you to read a poem they wrote, will you really take your time to try and understand what they wrote and tell them what you think or just read it quickly and tell them that its really good?
I always take my time to read it carefully, and to try to understand and feel what went into it. As a creative person, I will always respect and appreciate the works of others.

Do you feel that if a coincidence occurs it means something?
They always, always do.

Do you think that it is okay for a homosexual or a woman to become a priest?
Why wouldn't it be?

Which would you rather give up forever, religion or sex?
Sex. I don't need it; I fixed my pink spectrum for good and besides, the spiritual kind is infinitely better.

Have you ever taken a shower with another person?
Ahahaha not really.

Would you rather propose to someone you love or would you rather be proposed to by someone you love?
I'm actually the one who "proposed" back in '05, but I wouldn't have minded at all if he had. Love is love.

What is the quickest way to make you blush?
Get me talking about my series, my headvoices, and/or the people I love.

Do you usually feel that you deserve it when other people compliment you?
I don't think "deserve" is the right word there, as they're not awards or anything. I do appreciate compliments, though.

What is one of your pet peeves?
People spilling their juice onto my shirt. B'gawsh! I am so peeved right now!

What question do you get asked too frequently?
"What in the world are you doing on the computer so late?" Typing, researching, drawing, the usual.

Would it bother you if your lover occasionally flirted with others?
Heck no, dude. We both do this all the time because hey, we love each other entirely but we love other people too!

How long has it been since you last played truth or dare?
A while, because I don't like risking dares and my 'truths' always have weird definitions compared to the usual. Example: "have you ever kissed someone" gets an answer of "on what plane of reality?"

Should people who are living now be obligated to do things that will make the world better for people who will live 100 years from now?
Of course. We aren't the only people to ever have lived on this planet! It will go on long after us, and we need to be respectful and caring.

Imagine you have a dream in which someone you care for acts mean to you. Is it possible you will still be angry with this person when you wake up?
I wouldn't be angry at them in the dream, buddy. I'd just wonder a little, but I don't hold that against people.

Have you ever left someone a note with a picture in it? If yes, how do you do it?
Yeah, I usually draw extra pictures on my handwritten notes. I've done that since elementary school.

What do you fear more, death or pain?
I don't fear either of those.

Would you rather time travel to the future or the past?
The past. I don't want to see the future before it happens-- kind of like Jade!

Would you rather know how the world began or how it will end?
How it began. It will inevitably end whether or not I am here, and so 'how' does not matter.

In your opinion should every child be entitled to a good education?
Yes, but 'good' is the key word... and kids don't always learn what they need to through traditional 'education.' I didn't.

What news item are you tired of hearing about?
Most things. There's always too much anger, hatred, fear, prejudice and judgment on the news. That's why I don't watch it anymore.

Who is your exact opposite?
On what level? If we're talking compliments, that is Chaos, completely. If we're talking personalities, that's probably Laurie! But I don't like talking in opposites-- it makes things too black and white.

Would you rather have serenity or insanity?
Serenity. The world already has too much insanity, and I am tired of it. Never again.

What is the longest distance you have ever walked?
Geez, I don't know! I used to walk for about two hours every day, when I had space to do so. That probably added up.

The ancient Greek philosopher Plato believes that beauty, truth, and justice all basically mean the same thing. What are your feelings about this?
Sounds good to me! But you can't get hung up on 'egotistical' connotations for things like beauty and truth for that.

How did you first begin to assert yourself as independent from your parents?
By accepting that I had the right to live my own life, as my own person, instead of letting everyone else write the script for me.

Have you ever intentionally hurt someone’s feelings?
When I was younger, I used to test people's emotions, but I had 'cold snaps' back then. I still test people here and there, but I'm gentle about it, and won't ever harm someone on purpose in any way.

And now I'm off to get some sleep, because I'm going to a spiritual expo for the next two days and I feel I'm going to learn a lot.
See you soon!

180

2011-08-19T20:16:42Z

I had an awful hack yesterday, followed by an awful series of flat nightmares, and then I woke up to thunderstorms... and something really freaking amazing.
I just found one of the BIGGEST sources of spiritual validation and hope I have EVER seen.
And on top of that, there's just been a huge turn of events in headspace that I am doing everything I can to both protect and continue.
I'll talk about that later, don't worry. I have two glissando entries to finish and some serious artwork to do, but I won't dare leave anyone in the dark.
There is far too much light here for me to do that in any case.

Who or what do you feel the deepest responsibility towards?
Love and light. My greatest responsibility is to be those things, for and with everyone and everything.

How long is forever?
Our perception of time is deeply flawed. I'm not sure how 'long' forever is, but I'm not afraid of it anymore.

Who would you be afraid to have angry at you?
Any of my family members. Some of them get violent when they're angry.

Do you like the direction your life is going in?
Yes, completely! This has all been set out perfectly, for my greater good. Every challenge is a change to brighten, to grow, to strengthen my spirit. And I have so many blessings. There is no way I could possibly dislike how my life is going, and I mean that.

Have you ever felt like the victim of societal injustice?
I suppose at some level, we've all suffered this. Our current view and treatment of the world causes so much excess pain for the people in it, it's sad.

What feelings or thoughts do you repress?
I wouldn't say 'repress' so much as 'recognize that they are not mine and so do not act on them.' That would be everything that the ego holds, and everything that Julie used to contain.

What makes you feel ecstatic?
Love, and everything that resonates from it!

What was your biggest mistake in the past three months?
Allowing myself to be overcome by fear so many times, especially last week.

What is your specialty?
Catharsis, maybe? It's an interesting question.

What store would you most like a $10,000 gift certificate to?
Can I just use that to buy a new computer loaded with music and art programs? That's all I'd want to get, materially.

If your whole country had to listen to you talk for ten minutes what would you talk about?
The connection between all of us, and the importance of respecting and caring for all forms of life on this planet.

Do you have a guardian angel?
Yes, both metaphorically and literally. The former would be Chaos and Laurie, of course, but I have seen an actual angel around me at times. He has a head like an incense burner and these bright energy wings that change color. I've mentioned him somewhere before, but now he's in this journal too, so hey. Also his wings are a fuchsia sort of purple today.

Who is more successful, Bill Gates or Mother Theresa?
Both individuals had their own incredible successes, in different ways, and both helped bring about the successes of others.

What band T-shirts do you own?
Disturbed, Earth Wind & Fire/ Chicago, David Bowie, Todd Rundgren, and FROST*. Hilariously enough, my calendar says tomorrow is "International Wear A FROST* T-Shirt Day," so guess what I'll be wearing?

What is your favorite thing that is red?
Besides my boss, and the Ruby that Chaos has? That would be my flash drive, Narsilion. He took over for Ribbon when she ran out of space.

Do you check nutrition labels?
I have to now, what with my old allergies (which I am hoping I've outgrown), and I try to eat healthy regardless so if a nutrition label is ludicrously long, I will likely not eat that product.

Have you ever worn:
A dress or a skirt if you are a guy? As a kid, yeah. Now I refuse to do so until I can pull off insane fashion ideas.
A tie if you are a girl? Many times, with my suits. I have quite a few of them!

How do you wear your hair each day?
I fluff it up a bit in front, and then a bit in back if possible. And of course I always have these!

Would you be willing to go hang gliding?
I'd give it a shot, yeah. It looks pretty awesome.

If you had a locket what would you put inside?
Probably a picture of Preludove or something, honestly. She was my first muse and she taught me so much.

Is blood a turn on for you?
No, but I love blood in artworks (not literally). It fascinates me in a symbolic kind of way.

What is your opinion of the current political climate in your country?
It's a total mess. I'm trying not to worry about it, but it is rather distressing.

Could you possibly fall in love with a prostitute?
It could happen, love is love. But I wouldn't approve of their lifestyle.

Are you cowardly?
I sure hope not, but maybe that's something I need to be extra careful about.

When was the last time you fell down in public?
High school. I was never very aware back then, and I was a total klutz.

Are you more aggressive or mellow?
I'm far more mellow. Nebisai has me beat by a mile, though.

What have you done with your self to keep your life worth living?
I have improved myself to be more receptive to the world, and I am continuing to do so. Life is always worth living.

Do you get embarrassed when someone shows off baby pictures of you?
No, I'm just a little confused because that's over and done with.

Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you?
I'm not sure. That's something I need to think about, honestly...

What's your favorite thing that is yellow?
In this room, it would be these four manila envelopes full of giftart and Sonic comics! Otherwise yellow makes me think of Melody, so she's my favorite yellow thing in that sense.

Do you want to grow old with someone?
Well yeah, technically. But 'growing old' has always unsettled me because of the physical aspects of it. Plus I was never able to see my future as a child, due to being blind to my present. In either case, yeah, I'd like several people to stay with me that long.

Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons?
No, I could never get into that sort role-playing as I never saw the point into pretending to be something I wasn't. Whenever I do 'roleplay' it's either as one of my characters, or as myself. I can't just fabricate an identity.

What have you complained for so long about having to do that you could've accomplished it by the time you were finished complaining?
Probably drawing, sadly. But my complaining was due to thinking about it too much. If I just sit down and draw without fussing over it, I have no problem.

When was the last time you went out of your way to be cheerful and friendly, even when you felt like punching everyone around you?
At my job, possibly. I don't ever feel like punching people, but I would often force myself to be cheerful when I was downright miserable and in pain.

Do you treat others better or worse than yourself and why?
I used to treat them far better than myself, but now I keep them at the same level, and treat myself better than I used to. We're all connected, after all.

Now it's time to type, and read, and work. This is going to be huge.
This truly is the year of transformation.

illuminated

2011-08-19T02:50:24Z

See that icon there?
That is exactly what my heart felt like on Tuesday night.
Guess who was fully responsible for causing it?
Yeah, so I'm writing something up on glissando about it right now, which I want to have posted by tomorrow morning. I haven't been updating much lately and that is upsetting, but even though the past two weeks have been quite rough, I have survived. I still have quite a while to go but I'm here, and even in my darkest days I can never, ever forget the light I have.
Tuesday night reminded me of that again, more clearly than I could imagine.
You have no idea how absolutely, incomprehensibly thankful I am for him, how thankful I am for us.
If anything has proved to me the truth of this life, of the divinity in everything, it is that love.

What are you currently angry at?
Nothing. I don't get angry anymore, only frustrated, and I'm learning not to let even that overtake me.

Who is harder to please, you or your lover?
Like that's an issue! In a more emotional sense I'd have to say me, though, by virtue of my element (fire). I'm incredibly ebullient emotionally, so whenever I'm with him I can't help but express that completely. Since Chaos is water he's more receptive and deep, so although he doesn't typically effervesce like I do, he has no problem with feeling it from me. I have no problem switching to water either, but I'm just fiery by default, so in most cases it will actually cause me pain to keep everything bottled up. I, uh, hope that makes sense?

What do you have issues with?
The fact that so many people are still lost in fear and apathy and hatred.

What do you do when you are home alone that you cannot do when other people are at home?
I voice-act JTHM, typically. That or I plug in the XBox and play StH or Nier without restraints! I get so in character it's awesome.

Are you afraid of a global nuclear war?
No. Honestly, I'm not. I believe that there is still enough good in even the most violent hearts, and enough guidance and protection within the cosmos, that we will be able to avoid such a terrible and blind action.

Do you feel comfortable in a bathing suit?
Not at all. Ironically if I'm alone and not being attacked by my ego/ id, I'm comfortable even if I'm not wearing anything. The problems arise when I'm forced to identify with my body in any way, shape, or form-- which unfortunately occurs whenever others are aware of it, because I'm aware of their perceptions.

If someone you loved was seriously miserable for a long period of time what would you do to help cheer him or her up?
I'd just be with them. I'd be as supportive and loving as possible, and I'd do everything I could to try and open their eyes to happiness. I do this very often in my household but unfortunately, it always boils down to whether or not the miserable person wants to listen... and if they're having an ego problem that can be near impossible sometimes. I know, I went through that for several years...

What was the best year of your life so far?
This one. 2002 is a close second, simply because of the sheer amount of inspiration I had during that time. But now everything is coming together, and as long as I am receptive and open and true, I am sure the rest of my years will continue to improve.

When people are born is it predetermined whether they will be a good or bad person?
No. We are all good at heart, by virtue of life itself. We can all fall during our time here, true, but no one is beyond redemption.

Does the weather affect your mood?
Sometimes. I still get little bits of panic from thunderstorms, due to my childhood, but the weather just is as it is. I'm always aware of the sun behind the clouds.

If you were underground for 5 years what would you miss the most?
Trees, sunlight, the stars, and fresh air.

Has anyone ever broken a promise to you?
I'm sure they have, but that's all right.

Have you broken a promise to anyone else?
A few times, in moments of weakness. I don't make promises anymore unless I am absolutely sure I can keep them.

What would you consider a blessed event?
Everything, I guess! Life is blessed.

What would you consider a miracle?
I answered this previously, but I have learned things since then. Let me quote Doctor Manhattan, actually...
"...But the world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplaces and we forget. I forget. We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from another's vantage point, as if new, it may still take the breath away. Come... dry your eyes, for you are life, rare than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg; the clay in which the forces that shape all things leave their fingerprints most clearly."
That's the truth, honestly, and that's my answer.

What are the most cruel words someone could say to you?
Probably something like "I hate people" or "this world is useless;" something not directed towards me but towards everyone. Those do hurt.

Would you rather catch your parents in bed or have them catch you?
I'd rather have them catch me, because I'm an asexual xenophiliac freak and it would be pretty funny.

If someone offered you $1,000 to cheat on your boy/girlfriend, would you do it?
Nope. However if we could twist the rules, and get the cash for me simply dragging someone else into our crazy polyamory, then why not!

Would you rather like your guy/girl more than s/he likes you, or have him or her like you more?
I'd rather like them more, because when I get it bad I tap into limitless reserves. And let me tell you, I am in this situation right now and have been all my life, where I like someone so much more than they like me. That's okay, because I only want to give them love.

Which is better, the rush of kissing a new person for the first time, or the comfort of kissing the same person a hundred times?
The rush doesn't go away, man. Ever. Even if I hit a thousand it wouldn't fade!

If you could read your boy/girlfriends mind, but only by letting him or her read yours, would you do it?
Uh, this happens during hardcore connections and it's a mutually understanding thing. There's not much 'reading' going on as much as there is 'knowing.' Which is better!

Do you look back and laugh at things that hurt or were embarrassing at the time?
Sometimes, if those things were innocuous. But I tend not to look back unless I absolutely have to. The past is done and I have learned and moved on.

Would you like to live in the Playboy Mansion?
Only if it were ironically full of asexuals. Things would get interesting.

What song would you (or have you) sung karaoke?
My favorite song to sing right now is "Where Do I Stand" by As Tall As Lions because the higher notes are lovely. I'm also good with Keane's stuff, and a few things by Todd Rundgren of course. However I'm working on remixing "My Destiny" from Sonic 2006 because darn it Elise, if you're going to be a copycat then I'm going to copy you right back! Also the lyrics do apply surprisingly well to my situation, so hahaha.

What is the softest part of your body?
My heart.

What are you thinking about?
I'm trying not to, actually. I'm just listening to music and trying to keep calm because this afternoon has been rather tricky.

Are you on:
Drugs: Used to be on prescription ones and they drove me insane, so never again.
The road to nowhere: No way, I am headed in a brilliant direction!
The crazy train: Crazy, but that's how it goes, millions of people living as foes. Maybe it's not too late, to learn how to love and forget how to hate!

Do you say everything to people's faces or do you talk behind their backs?
I say everything to their face! I used to be too self-conscious to do so, but now I am very up front and honest.

What is gone that will never come back?
The past, so treasure every moment of the now.

What's your biggest turn on?
Sharp teeth. GAH. Seriously I am far too attracted to pointy teeth. I also like weird eyes, insectlike features, horns or antennae, long fingers, tails... you get the picture.

What's your favorite Care Bear?
I'd say it's a tie between Tenderheart and Wish. I've always had a soft spot for Wish, but I love Tenderheart's personality. In terms of non-cartoon bears I really like Always There Bear and Work of Heart Bear, for what they represent-- the fact that loved ones are always in our hearts, and the power of art!

Have you ever wanted a picture painted onto your car?
I actually had a whole Dream World design planned out for my car at one point! But no, I don't mind what's on my car.

Are you clumsy?
Only when I'm not paying attention, or when I'm badly stressed out. In latter cases, I can barely walk straight.

What would you like to have 435 of (anything but money)?
More good pictures of Chaos Zero on deviantART!

Have you ever thought of deleting your diary?
Back when I was still ego-plagued and depressed all the time, yeah. Now I am fearless!

What is the last law you broke?
I broke all the rules of love, if that counts. I never dreamed that I would come this far. Now I'm lost in my emotions, you're becoming my devotion. There's nothing I can do to stop this love for you! However I will stop taking jokes way too far, haha.

Have you ever run away from home?
I seriously tried to, a few times. Now I'm just enjoying my time here until the situation changes. At least I have a home!

What's your favorite lullaby?
"Good Night" by the Beatles. It makes me think of Mister Sandman, and it stands out to me emotionally because I first really listened to it after a horrible hack, when I was trying desperately to sleep... it sounded so beautiful it brought me to tears.

Have you had a good feeling today? What was it?
Love, as always. Love, joy, hope and inspiration.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but until then, I'll be thankful for every moment I have.

evicted

2011-08-10T00:14:46Z

I am updating because my house has been in an uproar all day, I ended up crying so hard I almost passed out from the stress, there is no food I can safely eat and eating is making me throw up anyway... it's not a good day.
I have made up my mind after what happened today. No matter how scared I am, I have to move out to Utah. At least then, I will be in a home situation that doesn't scare the living shit out of me from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep.
The worst part here is that no one comprehends that I experience that, and when I explain it, I ALWAYS get this reply: "You're just too hard to deal with." I am told that I am viewed as a curse, as a punishment, that "we shouldn't have to put up with all this trouble from you." Just by existing. No one is even trying to work with my anymore. I have become nothing but a problem.
So I am leaving. Within five months I will be gone.
This is no family. This is no home.
It never was.

Do you like your movies and books to be more lighthearted or serious?
Serious, always. I actually despise lighthearted fare, to be honest. It feels like a complete waste of time and I can't relate to it either.

What's more important, first impressions or lasting impact?
Lasting impact. First impressions are usually skewed for me as they are influenced by past experiences. But if I get a 'first impression' that isn't a thought or a judgment, then those are important, but still they are nowhere near as important as lasting impact.

Order these areas of psychological health from what you need the least improvement in to what you need the most improvement in: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, environmental, spiritual
I'm not going to order them because I cannot think like that. Let me explain them.
Physical: I'm sick and I'm out of shape because of it. That is true. I need to get in shape and I need to find a way to work with my illnesses.
Emotional: Not sure what this means. For me this seems to be a reactive status to other things.
Social: I have no social skills, and I am terrible with direct communication because I can't identify clearly with physical reality. So I do need a lot of work here, mostly because I currently cannot hold a job thanks to it (and other things, but mostly this).
Intellectual: I'm decently well-educated but there is still so much I don't know. Even so I'm most interested in the human condition.
Environmental: If that means where I live, then yes, I need the most work here. My current living situation is not good. Even if I end up low on cash and food when I move out, it will still be better than this, because this is a highly emotionally damaging environment.
Spiritual: I put more work into this than anything else. I still need work in it. But overall I think it is my strongest area of health.

Do you react appropriately to things and control your feelings?
I control my feelings whenever possible (if I am not driving and am incapacitated in some way, I can't do much). I'm not sure about 'reacting appropriately' though, because I seem to interpret some situations completely differently from some people. But then that's appropriate for me, so I don't know.

Do you have stable relationships?
Mentally, yes. I cannot seem to hold physical relationships for a myriad of reasons.

Do you need to be in a relationship to feel good about yourself?
No, but I will not deny that knowing Chaos and Laurie has helped immensely towards that.

Which is the most clear and concise, your thoughts, your speech or your writing? Which is the least clear and concise?
My thoughts!! Prepare for a text wall explanation, haha. I really want to talk about this.
I do not think in words, typically: I think in feelings and ideas and wide-open concepts. Putting these broad experiences into language is a struggle for me! It is why I have entire stories in my head, but never write them down-- I want to, but I cannot, because it is impossible for me to translate images and sounds and sensations into words. (Drawing is not much better, sadly-- that gives me a different problem, in having to structure images that I cannot see as much as I can perceive them.)
Physically, my best manner of communication is typing, because I do not have to plan for an audience and I do not have to plan for replies (like in this journal). I can write nonstop about a singular topic or concept. I love being able to space words and sentences, and also to be able to think about word choices and punctuation. I tend to be creative with written structure, and in doing so I can get more meaning and mood across than in speaking. I also type much faster than I write, as physical coordination sometimes fails me, and I love the feeling of speed with typing. I can get my thoughts down almost as quickly as I think them, so there is no time or understanding gap as long as I can find fitting vocabulary to express my thoughts. The single problem in this is, once again, that I don't think in words as we understand them. So I might know exactly what I want to express, but can think of no words that will fit. Ultimately I usually end up getting all symbolic when this happens, as I can at least capture the essence of what I am trying to put down.
Verbally, my spoken speech patterns tend to confuse people, and I tend to trip over my own tongue when speaking as physically forming words can be difficult for me. Having to do this, as well as planning words, and having to react quickly to others, is incredibly stressful and simply not worth the agitation it causes me. Even speaking something that I have written beforehand (for example, reading this paragraph aloud) feels unnatural and forced. I'm not sure why this is, but it may simply be the 'translation' block between the formless fluency of my thoughts, and the clunky deliberateness of speech.
Lastly, physical reality is generally painful, awkward, and unsettling for me on any given day. Even things like walking and eating have to be carried out deliberately, because it feels so alien and wrong. I am most comfortable in my own mind, where there are no physical borders or limits, and things don't have to be so structured and organized or even solidified. I can talk clearly without speaking. Something can exist in my mind even if it is unable to be translated in to sight or sound. Not being able to do this in physical reality is jarring.
So in short, my thoughts are the most clear and concise, typing is second, writing is third, and speech is awful.
I apologize for how long that was, but I've been trying so hard to explain that to people for so long! I hope it makes sense to you.

Are you always trying to learn new things?
I am indeed. Life is fascinating! There's so much out there, and so much to learn.

Do you feel at peace?
Yeah, deep inside. Which is good, because it's thunderstorming outside, the house atmosphere is dark and dingy again, and I don't think I need to repeat how stressful these people around me are. But I'm holding on to peace. After all, true peace is not the absence of all those stressors... it is to be in the middle of all of that and still have peace inside!

Do you have strong morals and ethics that you believe in and adhere to?
Yes. Unfortunately they clash directly with society and what it has done to our reality, so some days it can get very difficult to function.

Are you over or under weight?
I think I'm slightly underweight for my height, actually.

Do you think of the needs of all humanity or just the needs of yourself and those you know?
Humanity, always. Every single action resonates through all of us.

Are you active in your community?
No. I'm not good with people, remember? And I live in an extremely small town so there isn't much to do in any case.

Are you sensitive to the needs of others?
Somewhat? I'll do what I can to help, but I can't pick needs out on my own. It's hard for me to identify with people, and their problems, most of the time.

Have you ever been on antidepressants?
Yes, several times, and they made me horrifically sick every time. The worst was when I was put on Celexa last summer-- the smallest possible dosage, mind-- and I ended up throwing up for weeks. I don't know what they put me on in the psych ward, but I explicitly refused Celexa (they tried to put me on it again). However the side effects from that medical cocktail was the most horrifying thing I have ever experienced in my life.

Is ignorance really bliss?
Quite the opposite.

What can be described as 'even better than the real thing'?
Cartoons, video games and the Internet, because people still insist on saying they 'aren't real life.' Heaven knows why; I only have one 'real life' to live and I'm experiencing those things within it, so.

Do you ever get the feeling people are laughing at you?
No. I wonder about it sometimes, but now I just shake my head. It doesn't matter if people laugh, as long as I am living honestly, peacefully and well.

Tell me why you don't like Mondays:
Are you kidding? I love Mondays! Weekends are what I despise!

How often do you update your diary?
That depends on what the mood of the update is. I usually update once per week (or two weeks if there's nothing major), somewhere.

What do you mostly write about in your diary?
This one is for quizzes and quick updates. LJ used to be for everything, but then I left it. IJ is for dark and painful stuff. Xanga is for headvoice conversations. Blurty is for the deep stuff, mostly upstairs. And homefive is for my dreams, which I haven't been remembering well enough lately...

What is your writing style like?
In journals? Uh, I'm not sure. It's how I would speak if I could figure out how to talk for once in my life... well, maybe. My written speech is actually more clear than my spoken word under any circumstances, it seems, no matter how symbolic and abstract I tend to get.

How honest are you in your diary?
Brutally so. I don't hide anything in these things.

Why do you write in your diary?
Because there is no other way I can communicate clearly enough here, and personally, I need visual aid to remember things and having these really helps.

Do you ever chat online?
Heck no. I need visual cues in order to communicate with people, and while phones are bad enough, IMs remove even the vocal cues I get from those! IMs leave me with contextless text which may not even be structured well. 95% of the time I will walk away from online chats, or simply not talk unless absolutely necessary, because they are so shallow and confusing that I cannot deal with them. I avoid them unless I absolutely have no other option.

Have you ever met someone from online?
Yeah-- Jacob, Melody, and Braeden.
How'd that go?
Not so well, as the situations we ended up in weren't planned very well, and I was a serious psychological wreck during those times. But I still miss all three of them and can't wait to see them again.

If you had to give yourself a letter grade (A, A-, B, B-, C, C-, D, D-, F) for things how would you grade yourself on:
Happiness: B. I seem to have a problem with happiness in typical situations, but I can get it through my work/ music.
Being a decent human being: A-? I do my absolute best, but with my schizoid bit I tend to make people feel unwanted.
Being serene (calm, peaceful): A-. I am seriously working for a straight A here, though.
Kindness: A. I make an honest effort to be unfailingly kind, even in difficult situations.
Anger management: B. Still fighting the splinters, but at least I don't explode anymore.
Creative thinking: A! Have you seen my art folders? I am acing this one.
Modesty: Um, A-? I don't exaggerate things, but I don't know how other people read me.
Being an original: A. I am just too weird. Even my therapist admits that I am one odd individual.
Knowing yourself: A! It took a long time and a heck of a lot of studying, but I did it!
Being true to yourself: B. Still making mistakes here and there, especially around transitioning.
Getting along with others: B-, definitely. I do everything I can to be understanding, but it's just so difficult for me to really work well here.
Liking yourself: A-. I honestly like myself, but I don't like when I don't let myself shine through.
Admitting your flaws: A-. I will admit I do make excuses yet, here and there, but I'm learning not to compromise in any sense.
Self improvement: A. I work ceaselessly at this. I am a star student, haha!

Are you kinky?
I'm an asexual neutrois xenophile. My soulmate is a liquid sharkbug. Even if I don't ever 'sleep with' anyone, I am kinky as hell.

How would you feel if twice a week you could wake up next to the person you love?
Um, could I fall asleep next to them instead? Waking up is disorienting, and I tend to get pretty philosophical during the late hours...

Are you afraid of the future?
No, just worried about my medical concerns. Fear does creep in sometimes, but it's dangerous and it doesn't help anyone, so I chase it out.

Do you think of some people as not worthy of being your friend?
Not 'unworthy,' but there are some people I don't associate with because they're, simply, a bad influence.

What's the most difficult job you can think of?
For me, it's anything with a lot of sensory input (especially noise), and short-term memory overload. It can be horrible. That's why I quit my cashier job-- I would wake up in tears on workdays because I was under so much stress I could barely drag myself in.

If you could decorate your room with any theme you wanted what would you pick?
I'd like it to be mostly shiny white, with rounded edges, glass/ open space, and metallic accents. Basically, futuristic minimalism!

Can a person avoid dying if he or she does not believe in death?
Not physically, but psychologically, you might indeed avoid a certain sort of death. However, letting yourself die inside while living is far more lethal...

If someone sings songs that they don't write and they don't play any instruments or mix the songs or have any creative input at all... Are they a musician?
Good question. I'd say that, if they still put their heart into singing and feeling those songs, then they are a musician in that right. If not, then no.

What does the world owe you?
Nothing. The world goes on whether or not I'm here. I owe it respect, and I give it!

What do you want to get out of life?
Right now, I want health and psychological safety. In the long term, I just want peace.

Do you forgive yourself when you make a mistake?
Yep. I learn and move on.

What tiny little very small thing has made you hugely happy?
I don't think anything that made me that happy is small, really! But the top contenders are a certain commission, and a certain Facebook message.

Can you read body language well?
To an extent, if I'm paying close attention. I've been learning, so I do have a general knowledge (and use it to my advantage if possible), but unconsciously I miss it all by a mile.

Do you look people in the eye when you talk?
Intermittently. If I'm getting in-depth, then I don't, because it distracts me. I also break eye contact if I lose my train of thought, hit a snag in my speech, or am just feeling really awkward that I'm having to talk out loud again.

Do you notice if they aren't looking you in the eye?
Yes. If I am paying full attention, I am going to be assessing all my visual cues.

Are you alert to opportunities?
Not really, from what I've learned. I need to learn how to recognize them better...

Puppet Yoda or digital Yoda?
Both! Digital Yoda is awesome because "wow, look at what he can do in CGI," and puppet Yoda is awesome because "wow, look at what they can do with a puppet!" But in general, I still strongly prefer actual physical props. That creativity is pretty boss.

Do you look like the person you want to be?
Not at all, and it hurts more than you can imagine.

Do you behave like the person you want to be?
Upstairs? Always. Downstairs? Only in typing and creation. As soon as I'm thrown into a social situation, or a closed-off conscious area (locked rooms, cars, etc.) I start to 'glitch out' because immediately my splinters start to attack. So it is scary, but at least now I know they exist and I can stop them if I'm careful enough!

Some children were asked 'how would you make your marriage work?' One child, Ricky, age ten, said: 'Tell your wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.' Is this good advice?
The sentiment is true. If your wife 'looks like a truck' (and isn't an Autobot, which would be sweet) but you love her, she's still going to be pretty because hey, physical beauty fades, but inner beauty stays true. And when you truly love someone you see every single glimmer of beauty in them, all the time.
But better advice would be to focus on that inner level. Remember that marriage is work, but it is a work of love. The two of you have to put a lot of effort into your life together, and you cannot be selfish or ignorant. However as long as there is always a base of real, selfless compassion and care, you should have no problem at all.

Do you visualize your goals and dreams?
No, actually. I wasn't even able to visualize my future until I realized I was trans, because hey, I didn't want to be a woman when I grew up but I could never understand why (thanks, closed-minded parenting)! Anyway, no, I don't obsess over the future because no one knows how things will pan out. I plan ahead as well as I can, but I recognize that there will always be obstacles and unexpected circumstances. I have a rough plan, with the core in place, but outside of those few central threads that's it. I'll just go with the flow.

Do you keep yourself organized?
To an extent. I have all my important things organized here (papers, notes, files, etc.) but I am awful with the big picture.

Does anyone really win an argument?
I think that if it is settled well and in an understanding manner, then both parties 'won' in some sense. The same goes for losing.

Have you ever had champagne?
Ahahahaha, not really. I can't have alcohol, ever, but there was a certain Sonic Chat session 5 years ago... long story short, everyone involved got absolutely tanked. Chaos and I started it. It was hilarious.

Do you dislike being told what to do?
Only if those orders are given in an ignorant manner, or if they are really bad orders.

Do you ask for what you want?
Only if I feel I really need it, and cannot get it myself.

What makes you feel awkward?
Talking verbally, being referred to as female, 'social niceties,' people reading over my shoulder... basically, anything that invades my privacy or sense of security on some level. Oh, and anything having to do with sex. Hilariously enough, ever since I reclaimed my pink color, I've completely redefined what 'sex' means in our system and ironically, there is nothing sexual about it. So I am now more confused than ever when other people use the term, but at least I'm no longer immediately triggered when I so much as see the word!

How do you feel about gay and lesbian marriages?
Let them (us!) get married if they love each other! They're people too. Seriously, when I see people yelling about 'the sanctity of marriage,' I can't help but point out that they're ignoring the Bachelor TV shows, 'Las Vegas' weddings and people who marry without any real connection to their partner... seriously, get your priorities straight.

What is the sexiest moment in a movie?
When General Grievous took off his cape in Episode 3. XD Come on, that word isn't even in my vocabulary!

Well, it is getting late and I don't want to be awake any longer.
I'm also starting to feel sick, so I'm afraid that maybe I ate something I shouldn't have without realizing it... I swear, this allergy is a pain in the neck, but it's either be meticulous or end up stuck in bed for several hours trying to breathe again. I'd like to avoid that from now on.
I'll see you guys again soon enough.

let me tell you

2011-08-09T01:44:43Z

The past two days have been inexplicably awesome.
Yesterday started out rough, and I was worried. My mom came home around 10AM in a bad mood, and everyone started getting angry around her. However the last thing I wanted was another poisonous atmosphere building up, and so I decided to do something about it. I went into the kitchen and started helping my mother, not letting anyone's shouting get to me and trying to talk calmly and rationally to everyone.
Big surprise... it worked. I got everyone to calm down, and on top of that, I managed to get my mom involved in a huge conversation with me about religion, spirituality, psychology, and all sorts of wonderful debatable stuff. And that went on for like three hours while we were cooking! The best part was that it ended up with me talking about the revelations I've been having over the past three months, and how much I have grown spiritually... and when I started discussing details with her, she was visibly hooked and kept telling me to keep talking, as it was helping her understand things too! It was awesome. Then at one point I brought up what I discovered about soulmates in my previous entry here, and she started vehemently explaining how that fit with her and her boyfriend. So that really was awesome to hear.
After that, though, her boyfriend came over and she wanted me to talk to him about what we had discussed before. So this time I grabbed my laptop and we all went to chill out on the porch and talk. We reviewed everything we had discussed earlier, and then her boyfriend kept asking me about my spiritual experiences and that eventually led into me actually reading part of my latest Xanga entry to them. And then we got into the soulmates topic again, and so I decided to mention both Chaos and Jena, and the roles they both played in my life. Throughout this whole discussion, both my mom and her boyfriend were seriously interested and contributing to the conversation, which never happens.
The best part, though... once we finished all that and were thinking about the spiritual topics again, I got the brilliant idea to add, "well you know, this all ties into the religious beliefs in Dream World." My mom wanted to hear about that.
I then proceeded to spend the next four hours explaining the Dream World storyline and mechanics to them in great detail.
It was AMAZING. My mom got legitimately hooked and she actually had me stop at one point and explain Elevolt's story role a little better because she wasn't sure she understood the details right! And hearing her explain points back to me was almost surreal. I kept thinking, "oh man, my mom is talking about Dream World to me and she understands exactly what I'm saying." Seriously it was incredible. I've never been able to just sit down and talk about the story like that to anyone, let alone my family, and having her that interested in it was the best thing ever. Even better, later on that night she got into one of her 'art idea' modes and started throwing these awesomely hilarious requests at me. So it got me in such a great mood I've been drawing since last night.
This morning, however, my mom took Viral and I out to buy clothes (let's face it, we needed new stuff). So we went out to a couple clothes stores and not only did I get some seriously classy shirts (Dikotomy and Helix FTW), but I managed to PASS. Seriously, I was wearing red skinny jeans and a Sonic shirt from Hot Topic, and a Kohls employee looked straight at me and called me a dude. I was ECSTATIC. Unfortunately my mom 'corrected' her, but I let them both know right there that I 'did not mind being referred to with male pronouns.' It was the softest way to insinuate 'Actually I'm a transguy' without putting myself in a potentially troublesome position. Ah well, at least I stood up for myself, and at least I passed without even trying. Progress!
Oh yes and my therapist used the right pronouns with me last week too. That was awesome.

In other news, within the next week I WILL be opening art commissions. I know I've been saying that for years, but let's face it... I at least have some technical knowledge behind my belt now, I am confident enough in myself to not only draw things on time but also to NOT accept what I cannot do, and I need the money for when I move in January. So it's going to happen, finally. I'm looking forward to it.
I also got my book on orchestration in the mail yesterday, so I'm going to start reading it and hopefully learn how to structure songs better. I just wish I had a more capable computer for running my music programs... I miss composing so much.

Anyway, I'm going to fill out another quiz here because I need to unwind a little bit, as today has been insanely busy... oh yeah, and also since my grandfather switched the phone in the kitchen to a cordless, so whenever it rings I lose my internet connection until after someone hangs up. The best part is that my grandfather is currently talking business with someone and my grandmother is going to visit her sister for a few days, the phone is ringing off the hook so I can't do anything on this computer but draw and type this entry. Good heavens.

Can “what you don't know” actually hurt you?
Definitely. I actually never understood the 'ignorance is bliss' mindset, even when I was a kid. After all, just because you're unaware of something, that doesn't mean it isn't happening! Everything is connected and the consequences will affect you whether you realize it or not.

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Probably not. I tend to keep my mind clear when I don't need to specifically work on something.

What people or objects would you describe as “pure”?
I discussed this a long time ago, I suppose, when I talked about innocence. This was my definition: "INNOCENCE is defined as a blameless state, which already exists in opposition to ignorance, for how can one be truly blameless if one does not understand where blame lies? However, this 'complete' innocence in the sense of never having committed any degree of wrong is virtually impossible. As a result, I believe that innocence can still genuinely exist in an altered state even if one has committed 'wrongs' in the past, if it is connected to the senses of both wisdom and righteousness. This new innocence lies in knowing right and wrong: it lies in understanding the many pains and injustices of the world-- really knowing them-- and still striving to keep one's heart white in spite of it all."
So yeah, I'd consider a 'pure' person to be like this, knowing where they stand and still living their very best. As for objects, uh, I don't know if I can really think of a definition there.

Have you ever had a pen pal?
I tried a few times. However, as I was ego-driven back then, I would either be far too patronizing or forward, scaring them away, or I would never write back due to being uninterested in actually continuing conversations. So I don't have one, no.

Have you ever had a package pal (same as a pen pal but you send each other surprise gifts instead of letters)?
No, and I'm not interested because I only get material things if I really need them. I don't like excess things.

Is there a particular word or phrase that annoys you?
Wacky. Just kidding! I'm bugged by the response 'whatever,' thanks to my grandmother, and I've discussed this before.

Is there an online game you like to play?
Used to be Aywas (for about three months), then I realized I was wasting my time. Now I just work online.

What group of people is the most discriminated against in your opinion or experience?
Anyone who is considered a 'minority' or an 'opposition' to another group. DIscrimination is discrimination, and it needs to stop.

Are you afraid of living in oblivion?
Does that mean death? I'm not afraid of death at all. And whatever happens after we die, happens. So why freak out over something we cannot prevent?

What is broken in your:
Car?
The brakes, as usual.
School?
The teaching system. Some teachers just don't like working with 'different' students.
House?
SO MANY THINGS. It's old and it's inevitable.
Life?
My family, in some areas. But I do what I can to keep it together, although I can't do all the work alone!
Soul?
I don't think anything is broken in there, actually.
Brain?
My social skills!
Which one will you fix first?
My brain, whether I like it or not, because my therapist insists I do so, while ignoring the fact that it's hard because I'm constantly being perceived as the wrong gender.

Tell me all your thoughts on god:
God/ The Light/ The Source/ etc. is a term for an omnipresent force of life and benevolence that exists as a natural part of all things. Religions are our attempt, as parts of that 'God' presence, to understand that part of ourselves (and existence as a whole) more clearly. The problem is that religions tend to get caught up in trivial details, rituals, and even politics, and lose sight of the most obvious and important truth-- you don't need to seek 'God,' and you don't need to 'achieve' enlightenment-- it is already within you, as your essential nature. All you need to do is realize it, and be.
Also I want to mention that these three points seem to turn up in most religions: 1. 'God' is part of everything, 2. all religions seek enlightenment/ union with God/ a higher or truer existence (all essentially connected), and 3. the ethic of reciprocity (do unto others) is vital. So seeing religious wars and arguments happening hurts me terribly, because at the end of the day, aren't you all trying to achieve the same thing?

What is the strangest note you've ever received?
I once searched my username on Youtube and found some weird Vietnamese dance video with my username in the title. I commented on it and asked why that was, and their response was this:
"YOU DISTRACT THE SEEKERS MUSIC SEEKERS WHEN WE SEARCH ! SO I DISTRACT YOU TOo !"
I have no idea what that was about, but I found it pretty funny, so there you go. (And yes, they've removed my name from the title.)

Are you always available/easy to reach, or do you give people a chance to miss you?
I'm available on e-mail but I only check it in the mornings and evenings. I am awful with phones, because I am a strongly visual person, and if I just have audio I can't communicate well at all. Sometimes I don't even comprehend what I'm hearing because the sound comes too fast and I have no visual cues. That's a little off-topic, but if you do try to reach me by phone, it won't work very well.

Who should have the final say in the decision to have a baby, the woman or the man?
The woman, as her body and health are explicitly involved in the situation.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend cheats on you for the first time, do you forgive him or her and take him or her back?
I always forgive, but I'd wonder why are they cheating? What is the motivation for that? If you can't stay with one person, why are we in a relationship? I don't understand typical 'relationships' so I can't really answer this, but I'd be full of questions about it.

What if it is your husband or wife that cheats on you?
Same thing. If you're not in a mutually open relationship, why in the world can't you stay with one person? And if you can't, why haven't you explained this situation instead of running off in secret? It's confusing.

Who is more responsible for educating children, parents or schools?
Parents. They are the primary caretakers of the children and have to raise them for a good amount of time before the children even set foot in a school. Both are important, sure, but parents have a bigger responsibility by their very role.

Are you into new age things?
When I hear 'new age' I think of incense and fairies and pan flutes and NATURAL WONDERS (the best store ever, I miss it so). This is probably because my mom used to get The Pyramid Collection in the mail when I was a kid.
But seriously, yes, I am very 'new age.' I identify far more strongly with Eastern spirituality than Western (and many of their practices seem to be pegged as 'new age' nowadays), and I've always felt a sort of connection to the ethereal and otherworldly in any sense.

Do you perceive reality differently from others? How?
I suppose so. Like I just mentioned, I've had this undeniable feeling of connection to something outside this reality, so to speak. You can interpret that as spirituality, and it does tie into that, but it also ties into my dreams and my own personal identity. I've always felt completely anomalous, and so it was inevitable that my perception was just as strange.

What do you blame things on?
I don't. Why throw blame? Life goes on. Just roll with the flow and do what you can.

What are your feelings about rap music?
If done well it can be downright awesome. My favorite rappers are Cubbiebear, K-Os, and David Dallas. Honestly I don't listen to a lot of rap in and of itself (I usually listen to people spitting rhymes over sick beats, haha) but I don't dislike it.

Are you interested in post-apocalyptic (post-nuclear war) movies?
Yes and no. I don't like thinking about human-caused scenarios for that, but I'm still a sci-fi addict and such movies usually fall into that category.

What is the saddest movie you ever saw?
Possibly Crash. I saw that once about 4 years ago, though. If you count TV shows, then Puella Magi Madoka Magica gets this distinction. I remember watching the finale when it first aired... I could not stop sobbing.

What is the saddest thought you can think of?
Losing oneself so completely that you aren't even aware of it.

Which of your friends and relatives has the most interesting life story?
I only know Melody's life story, a little bit of my mom's story, and even less for my grandparents. But my dad has told me a lot about his life and I love it. He's an interesting guy.

What's the matter with kids today?
They try too hard to 'fit the popular norm' or fight too hard against it, allowing themselves to be blindly molded and shaped by society instead of discovering who they truly are.

Have you ever imagined that you are not really of this world?
All the time. In a sense, none of us are, as this world is only one of many and our true selves aren't 'tied' to it.

Did you have an imaginary friend as a child?
I had 'dream friends,' which I viewed as very different because 'imaginary' means 'not real,' after all, and my friends were real!

Do you still have imaginary friends?
Haha, you bet I do. They never left.

Do you enjoy reading children’s books?
Why not? Some of them are really fun, and some have seriously interesting stories or ideas behind them. Don't forget the illustrations either!

What would make you happy that money cannot buy?
Getting my stories out into the world, man. I am typing like crazy, but the hardest part is organizing all the ideas and concepts into a comprehensive book! Isn't that ironic?

What would make you happy that money can buy?
Nullification surgery. I just narrowly avoided ANOTHER hack which I should have seen coming from a mile, but didn't... thank God I managed to become aware enough in time to escape.

It's (what time is it?) 8:03 PM. Do you know where your:
Mom is?
At work. She gets out in less than an hour so I have to go pick her up!
Dad is?
At his house in the nearby town. That or he's working late again, or out buying materials.
Boy or girlfriend is?
Uh, would that be Genesis or Laurie? Because I despise that term but they are the only people who could qualify! (Either way, Laurie is upstairs and Genesis probably is too.)
Best friend is?
In Utah.
Soulmate is?
Upstairs, possibly, or out doing his own thing. Regardless I will see him before the day is over.
Wallet is?
Next to my Chaos Zero plushie, because it is a Sonic wallet and I am just that addicted.

Who do you feel sorry for?
The people on the world who feel lost, confused, and hopeless. There is no reason to fear!

Do you change your personality and behavior depending on who you are with?
Oh no no no. I used to, but then I was never me. I refuse to let that happen anymore.

Do you read before going to sleep at night?
Rarely. Usually I'm just researching or working right up to the moment I can no longer stay awake.

Are you a music maker?
I most certainly am! Unfortunately I don't know how to get all of it out of my head and into my computer... seriously, how do I even make half of these sounds?

Are you a dreamer of the dreams?
I am indeed. I am also a dream-jumper in training, thank you Mr. Sandman.

How do you feel about people who are “just doing their job”?
That depends. Those who do good work and are 'just doing their job' might just be humble about it, but when the person is implying that they are only acting benevolently because they are expected to, or when they do terrible things because they are expected to... that's when we have a major problem. Laurie used to say this a lot because she lives for her 'job.' She just never realized that it had ceased to be a 'job' in the check in-check out sense quite some time ago.

About what percent of the time do you feel good about yourself?
Most of the time. If I ever don't feel good, it's usually not directed towards me but towards one of my splinters.

Do you feel comfortable with other people (in social situations)?
Not yet. I have gender problems to deal with, remember, and I also don't know how to relate to most people. If I'm around people I can relate to, I don't have that much of a problem because I assume we have similar viewpoints and experiences... but that often proves to be wrong and I just make things worse for myself.

Do you have good friends/family relationships?
Yes and no, for the same reason. It's just very hard for me to understand people, and if I simply cannot be around someone without feeling great pain, confusion, or the like, then I will separate myself from them however possible. I don't want outside corruption getting to me.

How do you control your tension and anxiety?
I step away from it and refuse to identify with it. It is not me.

Do you curb your feelings of hatred and guilt?
I don't ever get feelings of hatred, and guilt still bothers me but I am learning to learn from it instead of letting it attack me (see previous).

Are you able to meet the demands of life and function in society?
Oh man, no way. Yet another reason why I am afraid of moving! I have so many weird quirks and conditions that it is almost impossible for me to safely function in some situations.

Do you maintain a positive outlook?
I sure do! Even in my most stressful job (insulation factory; it was awful) I kept my head up, and my co-workers were honestly stunned that I could keep smiling throughout the workday.

Does knowing you enrich the lives of others?
I sure hope so. I live every moment with that in mind.

What things do you cherish?
My 'headchildren,' my loves and closest comrades, my family and friends, my talents, my life situation... everything, really. Life is beautiful.

To what extent do you value diversity?
Entirely! You're talking to a xenophile here; even in an earthly sense I have a deep respect and fascination for the myriad forms of life, and how they live.

What fascinates you?
Everything, yet again! Seriously, why do you think Chaos calls me sparkle-eyes? I never lost my sense of wonder and awe.

Do you appreciate nature?
Dude, I live in the woods and always have. If I didn't appreciate every iota of it I should rightly be evicted!

How effective do you feel meditation is?
Extremely. Meditation is simply clearing the mind from excess thought, and simply existing in the present moment. Now that I've learned how to do it, I can attest to its effects. It is awesome.

How effective do you feel prayer is?
I tend to categorize prayer with meditation. All my life, I have had problems with 'spoken' prayers as they begin to become too ritualized and empty. When I meditate, I feel what I would normally pray about, and that feeling is more accurate to me than words.

How do you think that you (or anyone, for that matter) could pray without ceasing?
Live in the now! Live for love, light, truth, joy and peace, acknowledging and appreciating the connection between all things. If you live your life in complete gratitude and joy for life itself, radiating love with every action, then you are definitely 'praying' in a great sense.

Is religion a live option for you (that is, a possibility, something you are drawn to even if you have no belief)?
I don't really associate with organized religion because it's become too political. I strongly believe that every soul must ultimately discover the truth within itself, by itself. I am a deeply spiritual person and I have a great love for what we call 'God,' but I don't consider myself 'religious' for that reason. A Lumineist simply lives in and for the Light... it does not matter what religion they may follow in order to do that.

And now I need to go pick up my mom from work, which means I get to drive in the twilight with the windows down, which is AWESOME so I am going to enjoy every second of it.
Have a good night!

shining bright

2011-08-04T18:52:09Z

Yes, I am in that good of a mood today. Quietly, but still!
It's almost funny to think about, as I've been reading some rather unfortunate articles this morning (global concerns, you know) and yet I'm still feeling optimistic.
I have a ton of ideas in my head right now, and I want to draw SO badly. So after I fill this thing out I am getting back into my character designs. There's a lot of work do do!
Also I spent almost three hours last night watching episode 27 of Sonic X, screencapping almost every frame of Chaos Zero because he's gorgeous and also hey character refs. Then he showed up in my dream last night, in which he kept annoying Shadow and later teamed up with me to accomplish some crazy rescue mission thing (I remember a lot of explosions). It was awesome, and that's probably a major reason as to why I'm feeling so great right now. Seriously, I rarely see him in dreams, but when I do things always get interesting.
In any case I just want to update here today as I haven't been around lately. Feel free to check my other journals (Xanga, IJ, Blurty) if you feel you're missing anything, but honestly life is going pretty well right now. I have many future worries (all focused around moving in January), which are seriously disturbing me, but the future is the future. I'm focusing on the now, and the now is always good.

Have you ever owned a record?
Not personally, but my dad has tons of them-- rare ones, imported ones-- all in mint condition. Seriously, I saw his collection once and my jaw hit the floor!

In some states people want to make it a requirement that creationism (God made the world) be taught alongside evolution in high school sciences classes. What do you think of this?
I don't think it's fair that the Christian creation belief would be required, and not the creation beliefs of any other religion. It's rather selfish. In any case, I believe children should be educated on world religions and beliefs as a whole, so they can realize that all religions are based around the same principles (which is why religious wars are ridiculous), and then can make up their OWN minds as to whether or not they choose to follow one.

Should evolution also be taught in religious establishments like church or temple?
Religious establishments don't really touch on any subjects outside of their own set of beliefs, from what I've seen. So unless the theory of evolution was a part of their belief system, I don't know how including it otherwise would work. In any case it should definitely be acknowledged as a valid claim supported by evidence, even if not taught within the actual establishments.

Can a person believe in creationism and in evolution at the same time?
Yes, as long as they don't clash outright. I believe that evolution is a form of 'creationism,' in the sense that life itself is of a divine nature. But I don't believe that life just 'appeared' out of nowhere, as it is now.

Here is a list of priorities...
Love/ Sex/ Family/ Close friends/ Learning/ Career/ Being true to yourself/ Honesty/ Aesthetics (beauty in the world)/ Creativity/ Patriotism/ Knowledge/ Wisdom/ Leading an exciting life/ Making a contribution to humanity/ Being rich/ Being famous/ Having power/ Justice/ World peace/ Accepting and understanding others/ Finding yourself/ Spirituality or religion/ Health/ Happiness
What are your BOTTOM 3 priorities from this list?
Wow that is a long question! All right, here are my bottom three:
1. Patriotism. I see absolutely no point to it. One has no control over where they are born! In my eyes, we are all citizens of the world, and we should unconditionally respect both our planet and each other because of it.
2. Having power. No one can directly influence anyone else. One can definitely make a lot of noise, but ultimately, the decision to listen or be influenced whatsoever is made by each individual in their own right. Power only works in our current society because of fear, ignorance, and an entrapping system of laws and 'power'-holders. Its incredibly frustrating and it causes me a lot of pain.
3. Sex. I have no interest in it, at all, in any case. End of story.
What are your TOP three priorities from this list?
1. Finding myself. "For whoever has not known himself has known nothing, but whoever has known himself has simultaneously achieved knowledge about the depth of all things." This also goes hand-in-hand with wisdom, so feel free to group that in here too.
2. Creativity. Once again, this ties into career, making a contribution to humanity, being true to myself, and happiness. Seriously, my creativity is where all of that springs from! It is irreplaceable and priceless to me.
3. Love. It is at the heart of everything. Love is, ultimately, all there is.

How many hours of TV do you watch in an average day?
Zero. I almost never watch television, even on my computer. Last night was an exception because Chaos breaks all the rules. Seriously, though, I have lists of shows I'd like to watch for inspiration's sake, but can't because of time and 'I really don't like staring at a screen for that long without actively feeling that I'm accomplishing something!' So it's tough.

Do you want to have a car, a house and 2.5 kids?
I don't want any of that! I want to travel the world if possible, and my work is both my job and my family, haha.

What song, CD, or band is a 'guilty pleasure' for you (meaning you know it sucks but you like it anyway)?
Um, I want to say 90s boy bands, because they are what inspired a certain musical group in Dream World. And they had some catchy stuff.

If you were going to vote for a candidate for president and then you found out that the person you were going to vote for is HIV positive would that affect your vote and why?
...No? Why is that a problem? I'd be voting for what they supported and planned to do with their position, not their personal details.

Have you ever ridden a motorcycle?
Nope. I'm too paranoid about safety on those things, but they are nice.

Did your parents ever talk to you about sex?
Once, when I was 13, and I kept trying to get my mom to stop because I didn't want to hear it.

Do any of your clocks make an odd noise or play a song when the hour strikes?
The one in my grandfather's room used to make this awesome metallic clang, but it annoyed him so he stuffed it full of foam. Now it just clicks, which is also rather awesome.

Are you a sinner?
I suppose we all are. We all make mistakes, we all commit wrongdoings at some point or another. But I don't like using the word 'sinner' as it implies that, in order to be 'good,' one must be devoid of all sins whatsoever. Understanding, learning, and experience all play into how we grow as people, and if it weren't for my suffering in the past, I would not be who I am today. To quote Abe Lincoln, it has ever been my experience that folks who have no vices, have very few virtues. This is yet another reason why I am thankful for the J-Monsters.

Are you naughty or nice?
I am a nice guy!

What is your favorite comic book movie?
Watchmen, simply because it is the only comic book I've ever read that became a movie (and it is awesome). I grew up bereft of comics.

Is sex something that should be treated casually?
Not at all. Does no one realize how much is involved in sex? Do these people realize what they're actually doing, biologically? And then there are the emotional attachments (or the lack thereof, another problem in itself), and some people have major religious views on it... it's a mess.

What song is in your head right now?
This one! It's beautiful. I love the rhythm this guy put over it, and that extra melody at 3:04... it's perfect.

What was the best day of your life like?
So far? I think that was July 7th, actually...

What are you all about?
I am all about love, friend. Love and peace and joy and light. I'm like a god-tier Care Bear over here.

Who do you think you might have known in a past life?
Oh man, I don't have the knowledge to make judgments here... but if we're relying on instant, powerful connections for this, the only people who have ever done that to me are Chaos and Jena. No lie. For both of them I felt an immediate connection that I could not explain, and still can't.
...And WHOA, look what I just found on the internet.
"Twin souls...are the other half of your soul. This is based on the belief that we are all parts of the Divine Being...The Divine Being, in order to experience Its Self, divided into many souls, each in turn divided into many others and many others... Some Twin Souls do not unite physically here on Earth, and the relationship may last a lifetime on the spiritual level alone, while one or both may be living physically with another soul in karmic agreement. Some Twin Souls other halves are not even on the Earth plane at the same time and will offer guidance and comfort from beyond as a "guardian angel.""
Aaaand the universe proves yet again that there are no coincidences. Holy freaking wow.
(Also on July 7th, the single time I looked at the clock it was 1:11 in the morning HOW DID I NOT CATCH THAT)

Do you prefer fake or real flowers around the house?
Real flowers! I just have to be careful because of seasonal allergies and things.

Sometimes roses are pink, yellow, white or red. If you give someone a rose, does its color change the meaning behind it as a gift?
I think so; color is incredibly symbolic and important to me!

What's the most deadly thing you can think of?
Fear, or selfishness.

To-MAY-toes or to-MA-toes?
Call 'em whatever you want, as long as you promise to share.

Out of all your friends, family and the people you know who is the most:
Intelligent:
Braeden, I think! He really is a Sage in his own right.
Happy:
Genesis, no contest!
Miserable:
My grandmother, sadly. She is always upset no matter how much I try to help her.
Easily influenced:
Used to be me. Not anymore.
Bitchy:
Laurie. XD I love you too.
Evil:
Julie, maybe. That or the ego/id thing we're trying to fight now. But things are changing...
Nice:
Geez, there are too many people that fit this... but I'm going to say Melody because she is absolutely lovely.

What's the best live musical performance you ever saw?
TODD RUNDGREN!!

Kelly Osbourne or Madonna's version of “Papa Don't Preach”?
Madonna's, by a mile. It has much better harmonies. The 80s had some fantastic music, man.

Can you change a tire?
Yes, and I could probably change the brakes too from watching my dad do it so often. But my memory is a mess.

When do you feel the most relaxed and able to be yourself?
Whenever I meditate. It really is just that simple. It's beautiful that way.

Do you have a place that is your own where you won't show anyone else?
Um... possibly my 'room' in current headspace? I mean, Laurie and Chaos have been in it but that's it. I like sharing things with people.

Are you a part of any teams or clubs?
No, I tried to be in high school/ university but they were so poorly organized I'd often be the only person attending.

Is cheerleading a sport?
Yes, cheerleaders are pretty boss. I personally could never do it but I have respect for those who do.

Do you believe that people should be able to choose death for themselves if they want to end their lives?
Only in extreme medical situations, I think. Psychological situations are too fragile, and the person wanting to die might not be seeing clearly. Sure, when I attempted suicide I was convinced it was hopeless... but it wasn't. I couldn't see it though. Life is hard, sure-- although we only make it that way-- but it is always worth living.

Is there anything you morally object to?
Quite a few things. Bottom line is the Ethic of Reciprocity!

What would you never do for money?
Anything that I morally object to, basically.

Do you write poetry?
Yes I do, I love writing. I have some of it in here!

Are you aggressive?
No. I can be irritable if I'm not paying attention, but by nature I'm not aggressive at all.

Have you ever fallen from grace?
I thought I did, once. But the exact opposite had happened.

Does it bother you when a band you like gets really popular?
Heavens no, that makes me happy! More love for them!

Can you go one week without cursing at all?
I typically do. I don't want to hurt Laurie!

What's the best candy?
Candy canes and cotton candy... BUT WITHOUT CORN SYRUP

What song would you like to hear spontaneously in a public place (like a store)?
Anything by The Dear Hunter, because I never hear them on the radio and they are amazing.

Do you ever make others feel unwanted?
I sure hope not. I'm afraid I might give the wrong impression in some cases, though.

Do you think you have ever made others feel unwanted without realizing you were doing it?
Yeah. I tend to keep to myself so I can definitely see how that can be misinterpreted.

Are you very sensitive to what other people are feeling and how they will react to certain things?
Yes. I may be an aspie but I like to analyze things. So I tend to be very careful with people, which is good.

Have you ever climbed a tree?
I suppose! When I was about 6, there was a huge forsythia bush in our yard and I used to spend my whole day sitting in it and talking to my stuffed animals and dolls (who would also sit in it). It was great.

Do you feel somehow different when the moon is full?
I don't think so? Some of my depressing journal entries do line up with the dates, but for the most part I've never noticed. Hm. I'll have to pay closer attention next Saturday.

Who do you know that talks a lot but never really says anything?
My mom, her boyfriend, and my grandmother. It's upsetting.

Is world peace possible?
Definitely... but only if we stop being so self-centered in the long run.

Who do you know that is making a huge life mistake yet you can't stop them?
My shadow/id (we think), Julie. And I am trying hard to stop her.
What’s the mistake?
Refusing to change her ways. She's incredibly selfish, abusive and manipulative, but now she's realizing she can't keep doing that (as I've destroyed her methods, basically) and can't survive as a result. So I'm allowing her to change, and survive by becoming better, but I don't know if she really cares.

Do you plan to own a home or rent an apartment for most of your life?
Not unless its absolutely necessary, I think. Like I said, I want to travel. I want to see the world and learn as much about it as I can. The thought of being stuck in one place for my whole life is kind of scary!

Would you enjoy going to a strip bar to see strippers (of whatever sex you find appealing)?
I don't understand how that's appealing at all, or why people actually pay to see it.

What are 2 goals that you have?
Get transitioned as soon as I can (another reason why I am worried about moving to Utah), and get my work organized enough to share with the world. I've made a lot of progress towards both!

What are 2 negative traits that you have?
I seem to have a 'Type-A' personality... I work too hard and don't know how to relax, sometimes. And it is hard for me to understand most people. Casual conversation baffles me entirely, and I am awful at making social contacts.

Will these negative traits stop you from achieving your goals?
The social problems may hinder me in the long run, so I need to figure out how to conquer those... but the Type-A bit only hurts if I refuse to acknowledge that I can't do everything in one day. This does happen, so I need to be careful!

Everyone knows that you are nice, fun, creative, and good but what are 4 other positive traits that you have?
Pff, I love how that was the actual question. Thank you, you're very kind!
Besides those, I'm very honest, I'm compassionate, I'm patient, and I love learning.

How often do you daydream about your wedding day?
I don't. I have no interest in traditional marriage or the ceremonies associated with it. However I have discussed my 'marriage' situation in the past, so I daresay you readers understand what that entails!

If you were hiring someone for a job but could only ask him or her 3 questions in the interview what would you ask?
Let's assume I'm hiring them for a job in the Lightraye League, aha. I'd probably ask: What are your core values? What inspires and motivates your work? And, What do you hope to achieve in taking this job? I like open questions like that.

If you were interviewing someone for the position of your new friend but could only ask 3 questions, what would they be?
Pff, dude, I'd hand 'em my journals and say, "can you deal with someone this weird? If so, do you mind if I tend to rant about things like this often, and have terribly intricate discussions? And are you respectful and caring in all cases, even to people you have trouble with? If so, awesome, let's go do some karate in the garage."

When was your first kiss and what was it like?
I have had... two, technically. The first one was on January 1st of 2005, and it was the first time I ever kissed anybody mentally-- I got Ryman, Markus and Chaos (Chaos then got me back) all around the same time. I was just so happy to have them all in my life, and didn't want to take then for granted. Then, my first dream one was with Chaos, on November 27th of that same year. You can read the original entry for that here, because it was awesome, and I literally spent the next week smiling.
And no, I have not kissed anyone in physical reality, and do not plan to unless something absolutely crazy happens. So I am fine with my current situation.

Are you quiet and shy?
Nope! I'm just reserved and observant!

Are you bitchy, cranky, whiny, miserable, depressed, needy, mean, flakey, shallow, obnoxious, inconsiderate, nervous, and/or stuck up?
I can be obnoxious and nervous, yes. I don't get depressed anymore but I used to. I can also be miserable if I allow myself to get caught up in past pains, which I am trying to stop.

Do you come off any of these ways even if you aren't really like that?
I might. I cannot say; I don't know how other people read me! But I'm not too worried. I know who I am, and that's all that matters.

Are you loud and unfriendly?
No, and I never have been. Although I have been told that my speaking voice is loud.

Can a positive attitude/good personality make up for someone being less than beautiful?
Physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In my opinion, if someone has a good heart, then they are inherently beautiful.

Can being totally beautiful and hot make up for a negative attitude/bad personality?
No, because physical beauty fades and I there shouldn't be any excuse for being bitter or cruel.

What are you seeking?
Nothing. I am learning to just be! There's no need to go searching for what I need because I already have it.

Could you see yourself as a future nun/monk?
I used to think about that, as a child. I still do. But I think I am meant to live this life actively working for others.

What mistake do you repeat over and over?
Second-guessing myself. I am now overcoming this for good!

What are 5 traits that make someone ugly?
Anger, hatred, ignorance, apathy, selfishness.

Do you hate when people tell you to smile?
Not at all. I have all too many reasons to smile, and if I can brighten someone else's day by showing my gratitude, then why not?

Well now I look like Amy in that icon! I am surrounded by happy and good things right now and it is great.
You know what that means... time to draw!!

struggle

2011-07-25T19:47:23Z

Yesterday night was bad. I am operating on less than four hours of sleep right now because of what happened.
You know how I said Julie was obviously furious with me?
She used her old hacking method last night.
I could not move. I was literally incapacitated, physically and psychologically, and terrified out of my mind. By the time I managed to escape, I was sobbing and absolutely begging the powers that be to stop her, somehow, please. I am so shaken up from that.
...Why won't this stop? What else do I need to learn from this?
Or is this simply suffering for the sake of suffering?
If there is a way to stop this, forever, then please... make it stop.

Some people think that couples should be screened before they are allowed to reproduce (so that people who cannot afford to support a child don’t have one, or so that a child won’t be born into a dysfunction family or to unfit parents). What do you think about this?
I seriously think that's a good idea. The childhood of an individual is staggeringly influential to the remainder of their life... we really should be taking more precautions to keep children safer.

Are you proud of yourself?
I am thankful that I have progressed this far, but I wouldn't call it pride. I am too aware of my shortcomings.

Who should go to hell?
I don't know. I don't want anyone to go there, if it even exists. Even the blackest hearts deserve another run, I think. People become twisted, and lost, and the brightest souls can fall the furthest if they aren't careful. If I had any sort of say, I would give everyone a second chance, and a better chance.

Have you ever had insomnia?
In a sense. Some nights my mind won't be quiet, and it's really hard to ignore it. Some nights I'm in too much pain to relax whatsoever. And some nights I just can't sleep no matter what I do.

Does it bother you when people touch you?
You have no idea. I despise being touched, unless it's by someone I trust very much and the intention is made very clear. And even then, I can only handle static close contact, as I've mentioned previously.

Is it better to get too much or too little sleep?
Too much. If I sleep in I will get sick, true, but if I'm lacking sleep I get panic attacks and my body starts to freak out. It is not a good feeling.

What gets your adrenaline pumping?
DDR? In any case, I get physically ill from too much adrenaline/ endorphins. I wish I knew why.

Is hell all fire and brimstone or is it personal for everyone? Or does it not exist?
I believe in a more purgatory-like place, if this really is our 'only life.' But honestly I believe in possible reincarnation in other worlds/ times/ etc., and that we get the chance to work and grow until we reach a state in which we are 'enlightened' enough to stop that cycle. Of course I don't know anything for sure, but that speaks to me the most. Basically, birth is not the beginning, and death is not the end. And concerning hell, I believe we all live our own hells in our daily lives.

Do you ever talk about yourself in the third person?
No, and if I do, it means someone else is driving.

What's your favorite radio station? What kind of music do they play?
The local college radio station, 99.5FM! They play mostly alternative, with blues/jazz in the morning and heavy rock late at night. And on Sunday mornings they play movie soundtracks!

Is everyone special?
We're all special in our own right, to other people.

Do you believe there is anyplace still undiscovered in all the world?
Geez, look at the ocean! I'm sure there are many things and places we still haven't found.

Is love all you need?
Yes.

Are you adventurous?
Yes I am. I need to have more adventures.

Are you afraid of mediocrity?
In a sense, I suppose I am. It's tragic that so many of us are trapped in it, for no good reason whatsoever.

Would you rather die tomorrow or have all your friends die?
I'd rather die. I have no right to end the lives of others.

What are 3 things you don't understand?
1 How people can hurt, oppress and hate others for shallow reasons
2 Why sex is such a big deal to people
3 Why college education is so freaking expensive, and why the supplies/ programs needed cost a fortune

I would do anything for love but I won't do 'that'. What is 'that'?
This.

Do you do more than kiss on the first date?
I don't even date. Plus the idea of kissing someone you don't know is upsetting to me. Maybe I'm too symbolic.

Are you very liberal or conservative?
I'm a humanitarian and a cosmopolitan. I don't affiliate myself with politics.

Was this year a good year for you?
It's been very painful, but it's been incredibly enlightening too. In the big picture, it's a good year.

What are you looking forward to next year?
Transitioning and moving out, geez. Also hopefully having a job and being able to produce huge amounts of creative work! I am so tired of being held back by technical difficulties.

Were you ever in the first row of a concert?
No, you can't see or hear as well down there, I think. I got a third-row balcony seat for Todd Rundgren, and saw everything perfectly, so hey!

Are there some situations where love just isn't enough to keep 2 people together? When does that happen?
'Together' in terms of distance? Because that's all I can think of. If you truly love each other, you're never really apart.

Do you have no attention span?
It's been mauled by my education (memorize everything way too fast!) and my alleged type-A personality (gotta keep to a tight schedule), but if I need to pay solid attention to something, I will do so.

Have you ever been wrongly accused?
As a child, I was. That really couldn't be avoided-- children get blamed often, as they're essentially viewed as troublemakers and liars by nature. It's pretty sad, though.

Who can you only handle in small doses?
Everyone, I guess. I need a great deal of time to recharge from people... being around others causes my ego to run rampant (which is scary) and I haven't conquered that problem yet.

Which do you love more, your country or your planet?
My planet. I am not patriotic at all.

Are you more logical or emotional?
Logical, actually. I feel strongly and deeply, but letting one's emotions run wild is just as dangerous as allowing oneself to be ruled by thinking! I try to be sensible, but by no means does it limit my heart.

Do you believe that imps, trolls, giants, dragons, unicorns, etc. were real but became extinct?
I don't believe they were actually physically real, as there is a great deal of symbolism and reinterpretation in mythology. Even so, through the collective imagination, I'd say those creatures are still far from extinct!

Do you ever think about suicide?
I used to, when I was still lost. Now even in my darkest days, I still treasure life.

Do vegetables taste better from the store or from your garden?
The garden, no contest. In a store they've been packaged and sitting around for days, maybe weeks, after harvest. Stuff tastes amazing right after its picked.

Do you believe that Jesus Christ was a real person? How about Noah?
Jesus was real, but he wasn't God (that whole train of thought was not part of the original Christianity). He was simply a holy conduit, so to speak, and a truly divine human being, existing to be that voice of God to the world. I haven't done much reading up on Noah, but I believe he existed. The Ark story was greatly exaggerated though, from what I have read.

What is one luxury you refuse to live without?
Just my writing/ art/ music materials. I used to think it was sinful, but I can't deny that I've found some serious truths and inspiration through creative works, so why should I feel guilty about working to do the same for others? I still acknowledge that I do not 'need' them to live, and if I had to relinquish them then hey, I guess I'd have to.

What is one luxury you feel you could live without?
Everything else, basically.

Now I really need to clean up some more digital clutter because this is all causing me some serious time and energy loss in the long run.
I don't plan on staying up very late today. It's not worth the risk.

it's okay now

2011-07-25T02:36:38Z

So here's what's been going on since the 19th.
On the 21st, my headvoices and I actually managed to have that Xanga session we've been putting off, after having some surprisingly enlightening discussions about it for two days prior. It was... pretty incredible. I strongly suggest you read it if you're interested in just what our "splinter problem" is and all the things that resulted both in and from that.
Between the 19th and today, I was hacked about three times. Julie's getting furious, what can I say... but despite the pain that unfailingly accompanies those, I have learned a lot from them. More than usual, actually. So I am feeling strangely optimistic. I just wish I could get over the fear.
As for my icon... well, I'm just feeling rather connected to PMMM Episode 11 right now. When everything seemed to have taken a turn for the absolute worst, when hope seemed lost forever... suddenly, there was everything to look forward to. So I like thinking of that.
Plus I still adore the connection those two girls have, more than I can say.

On a related note... I didn't fall asleep until around 4AM yesterday-- I was doing research until midnight, so that didn't help. But as soon as I let go of my physical senses, I got this incredibly clear link with Chaos, which was absolutely beautiful. When they're that lucid, I forget I'm splitting realities at all. And that is indescribable.
But the best part about last night? I finally figured out how to activate my Power Jewels. Yeah. So I am ecstatic!
I'm definitely going to start structuring all the DW info for my dA page today. It's the least I can do, in total gratitude.

But the biggest event of this weekend had to be church on Saturday.
That morning, through another string of coincidences, I found a great amount of information dealing with core Christian beliefs, and how they were actually strikingly opposed to the original dogmas of the religion. So after a few hours of reading and references, I understood a great deal more (it actually verified several doubts I'd been having) and decided to see how that new knowledge affected mass that afternoon.
...It was shocking. I finally understood what Melody had meant when she told me that Christian masses 'did nothing for her.' I had been blinding myself to it out of fear, but now that I had the courage to ask myself, "is this really what I should be believing?" I could see. Everything was too repetitive, too shallow in the long run, and with my new knowledge it was also very wrong in many aspects. Even worse, the songs we sang actually contradicted many of the things I had been taught within that same religion as a child.
So I was sitting there, listening to everyone else speaking the same words they automatically did every weekend, and I realized that I really did not belong there. By no means did I condemn the religion... but it was too far gone, too badly corrupted from what it had originally been formed to be, for me to stay in it simply because I had been told that "I had to."
Needless to say, I'm going to be talking with the local LDS ward this week. If they seem to have a better idea, I'll start going there on Sundays instead. If not... well, then I don't know. I'd stick with my current church, but then I'm only going for the readings and the homily... the beliefs don't match up all the way. So it is bothering me as to what to do. I'll figure it out though. Everything always works out.
If anything, I'm glad I'm learning to see more clearly even in this situation. I still have so much to learn.

What has caused you to reinvent yourself or reevaluate who you are?
Many, many things. Let me list them in order, actually...
1998: Meeting Preludove. Set the stage for who I truly was to become. Inspired me on every level.
2003: Falling in love with Chaos. Completely changed my understanding of love and how deeply that affected me.
2005: Meeting Genesis. I had to teach, guide, and protect him, which made me start viewing my own life more clearly.
2006: Meeting Laurie. I daresay she is her own explanation here.
2008: JTHM. Forced me to start re-evaluating how I was living, both upstairs and downstairs.
2010: Suicide attempt. I could no longer live according to my ego, and started a huge spiritual journey to change that.

Who do you take for granted?
My acquaintances, actually. Many of my distant friends have really helped me grow yet I don't give them as much credit as I should. That does strongly bother me, but I don't know exactly how to deal with it yet.

Who makes you feel taken for granted?
My family, sadly.

Short, knee, or ankle skirts?
Short/ knee. Not for me, mind. For some reason I actually prefer seeing more skin on people, regardless of gender, as long as it's not extreme (then my overprotective drive kicks in!). Maybe that's my honesty addiction hitting the red level, who knows.

Do you wear a hat?
No, but I used to wear baseball caps all the time as a kid. Backwards, too. Unfortunately that wasn't my own style; it was something I was trying to emulate.

What kind of music makes you feel: (I'm going to list actual songs instead of genres)
Energized?
"Just A Little Bit Closer" by Bungle, "We Are From Venice" by The Bloody Beetroots, "Search Engine" by London Elektricity, and of COURSE, "Shadowlord's Castle (Roar)" by Keiichi Okabe.
Romantic?
"Past Days" by Masashi Yano, "Bells For Her" by Yoko Kanno, "I love you in the open sea" and "I do" by rifle recoil. The latter is the best love song in the world in my opinion.
Sad?
"Gran Torino" by Jamie Cullum, "Lost In This World" by Richmond Fontaine, "Wedding Day" by FROST*, and "Ao No Ether" by Megumi Nakajima.
Happy?
"Great Disasters" by It Bites, "Sonic Drive" by Kageyama Hironobu, "As Long As I'm Singin'" by The Brian Setzer Orchestra, and "After Laughter" by School Food Punishment.
Ecstasy?
Okay, lets try to find songs I haven't obsessed over in the past (like Nier and Frost)... "Temple Of Drifting Sands" by Keiichi Okabe, "The Oracle (feat. Danny Stevens)" by Forgive Durden, "Idiot Rain (Chad Valley Remix)" by Banjo Or Freakout, "Untamed Heart" by Eriko Imura, and "What Time Taught Us (Indigo)" by The Dear Hunter can fit this tag too. It's all in the sound.

Does break dancing impress you?
Dude YES. I absolutely love it. One day I want to learn how!

Have you ever eaten tofu?
Yeah, but I tend to get awfully sick from it. I have my suspicions as to why.

Many people will say that the Harry Potter books are pure fluff with no literary value. Do you agree?
No, they're very good books. I think most of the Potter-haters either haven't read the books, or are sticking to the silly notion that 'fantasy is for children!' Which is ridiculous.

Is Harry Potter comparable to The Chronicles of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings?
I'd say so, yes. Which reminds me, I never finished reading Narnia. I really should.

What are you doing next Wednesday?
Going to see my therapist, and hopefully making a huge and important decision.

What couldn't you live your life without?
Love. I thought about that again today, actually. I don't need material things at all.

Is your heart warm?
Yeah. Unfortunately it's also easily hurt.

Palm trees or snow storms?
Snow storms. I still get knee-jerk panic reactions from 'balmy' weather.

What fantasy book would you like to see made into a movie?
Animorphs? I dunno, I still think that series is criminally underrated.

Do you avoid risks and if possible stay at home?
Only if said risks are unnecessary.

What Sci-fi books do you read?
So far I've stuck with Alfred Bester and Isaac Asimov, but I really should look into more. I've just spent more of my life writing than reading, I guess.

Is it easier to live when you're evil?
No, not ultimately. You may think you are free from restraints, but you are chaining yourself down with the weight of your actions, and your slavery to your ego.

Have you ever given blood?
No, there aren't any real opportunities to do so around here, and with how low my blood pressure is normally I'd be afraid of passing out.

What do you daydream about?
I only 'daydream' about ideas for my series. Otherwise, they can be dangerous.

Are you a miracle?
I'm iffy on the reality of miracles lately. I don't like the idea that certain people are singled out for them while others aren't, even if they are in identical situations. The concept seems rather selfish and misinterpreted to me. So yeah, I wouldn't say I'm a miracle, unless every other individual on this planet is.

If America is one nation under god then are atheists citizens?
The concept of 'god' we use nowadays is sadly corrupted. And atheists are citizens, yes. There's absolutely nothing wrong with them, and honestly, I am tired of seeing them vilified.

What is your biggest problem?
Allowing my ego to get the best of me. I keep realizing just how easy it is to be manipulated by it, and it's honestly terrifying. But fear comes from that too. It's difficult.

Can musicians be held responsible for influencing people to behave badly?
Let me quote some JTHM... "Movies, books, TV, music-- they're all just entertainment, not guidebooks for damning yourself!" Seriously, we're all responsible for our own actions, and should be able to healthily judge whether the music we listen to is harmful or not.

Do you believe that there are subliminal messages embedded in some TV shows, movies & music?
I wouldn't be surprised.

Is there anything that you believe should be banned for any reason?
Pornography and prostitution. I see absolutely no purpose for either, and not only that, but it's been shown that people who pay for sex are more likely to commit crimes, and have a striking lack of empathy towards the women they are with. So it's disturbing, to say the least.

Have you ever descended into pure madness?
Twice, possibly: once from the psych ward medication, and once back in late 2008. Both incidents were highly traumatic for me.

Would you want to?
No no no, never again. Also, WHY would you want to do that? Mental illness/ instability is NOT 'cool' or 'trendy,' and it seriously upsets me to hear people treating it as such.

If you died tomorrow, what mark would you have left on the world?
I would have impacted the lives of a few people. I'm not happy with this. There is so much more I can do for the world...

What annoys you the most about yourself?
My ego, aka my old self.

Has anyone ever tried to injure you?
Yes. Sadly my family is included on this list.

Has anyone ever tried to kill you?
...One person.

Who was your childhood hero?
I didn't have one. Seriously, I had no role models... well, except the Dream Guardians. But that came later.

With nearly 100 channels why is NOTHING ever on?
Because most of television ties into the 'bread and circus games' principle. It's worthless by its very definition.

What bad habit do you have that affects other people as much as it affects you?
Compromising myself to fit the whims of others. Once again, that ties into my ego, and it has caused immense pain in the past, both for me and for others.

Does second hand smoke bother you?
Yes, very much so. It's one of the main reasons why I can't realistically live with my father.

Have you ever read The Little Prince?
No, actually, and I've been meaning to for a long time.

Do you have any interesting scars?
...I don't want to talk about those.

Is it better for people to change and evolve their ideas or always be consistent?
Change is vital. Even when it comes to one's innermost beliefs, there should always be room for improvement and clarification. If I didn't allow that, I would not be where I am right now. My original morals were pretty malformed.

What are you missing in your life?
A way to create. It's sick, but I honestly need better music and art programs... I could accomplish so much if I had the means to do so.

Well that's it for today.
I have a lot of hope, faith, peace, joy, determination, courage and love right now. And there's loyalty to my cause too. That's a full house in Dream World, haha!
I have no idea where I'm headed, but I know I'm on the right track. It'll be difficult, there's no doubt about that-- but difficulties are often blessings in disguise, I think. My hard work won't go to waste.
I have no reason to feel despair.

keeping on

2011-07-19T16:09:06Z

My headspace has been... interesting, lately.
Chaos and I are doing extremely well, despite the bad things that have happened to me. Laurie is also doing much better than usual, mostly thanks to last night-- she took about two hours of my computer time to talk things over with Jacob. I'm glad she did.
However, Josephina is not doing well. I'm very concerned about him, because apparently he and Leon have been working hard behind the scenes, but Jo's been hiding some serious personal crises from us.
Laurie told him we're going to sit down and talk as soon as possible. Thursday is our day if we can't get anything done sooner.
I honestly cannot wait, in a determined sense. I've wanted to tackle this subject for a long time now... and with what happened to me yesterday, postponing this discussion could be suicidal.
I've learned, even through pain, that I have learned from my suffering. Even when I feel that I've been hurt too badly to go on, I pick myself up and I remind myself that they cannot ever win. And I keep walking.
I just wish these transgressors would stop following me.

Does it annoy you when people talk loudly on their cell phones in public?
No, because I usually listen in! That's my curiosity, so hey. I like glimpses into the lives of others.

Is love a commitment to one person, or can you love more than one person at the same time?
It's a genuine commitment to whoever you love, whether that's one person or ten.

What is the most uncomfortable feeling?
Coming back to awareness after a splinter hack. That's more 'outright disturbing' than 'uncomfortable,' but they're close enough.

Would you ever go on a blind date TV show?
No, simply because I'm not in it for publicity or acting.

What the hell is your problem?
Problem? I have many problems. Which one were we discussing? (I love quoting Sonic Chats.)

Look around you. What is the most beautiful thing you can see?
The outdoors. I love nature.

What is the most beautiful thing you can't see?
Take a guess.

Take a deep breath. Yawn deeply. Do you appreciate the things most people take for granted, like breathing?
That's part of meditation! I'm getting better at it. But yes, I've been training myself to not take anything for granted.

Do you appreciate breathing more when you have a cold and you're all congested and can't breathe right?
I appreciate it even more after an allergic reaction goes down! Seriously, that is a huge relief.

Is congestion a positive thing because it helps you to appreciate breathing?
It sure could be! I'm glad you've been studying the material I'm giving you here, haha.

How is your life like a work of art?
How isn't it? Seriously, my life is pretty freaking incredible. Everything flows together perfectly.

Do you feel that your life influences and is influenced by many other lives?
Well of course. We're all connected on that level.

Has a smile ever made all the difference in the world to you?
It sure has...

Have you ever looked at a tree and considered how the roots could be miles long, trailing and entwining with other roots underground, all of them holding the soil together?
Yeah, it's really incredible.

Do you notice the little things in life?
Not all the time, sadly. Once again, I am still learning.

Do you feel, as Jung did, that deep down, underneath our individual personalities we are all the same?
Jung is awesome. And yes I think that's an interesting thought. I do need to do more reading on his concepts, so I'll get back to you on this!

Do you feel a great oneness with the universe?
All the time! Wow this is my favorite survey yet.

When was the last time you decided to really enjoy yourself?
Um, I don't remember. It's tough here because I'm confined to my little space in the hallway all day, and I'm usually working.

When was the last time you set yourself free and acted without caring at all what someone else thought?
I don't think I've done this yet, actually. When I try my ego and/or splinters tend to take over. It's something I still have to overcome.

Have you ever held someone and appreciated how delicate and fragile all life is and felt that they were even more precious and beautiful because one day they would die... and so will you?
Yes, so many times... still, death is nothing to be afraid of, but it does help us treasure our time here more. And in this situation, it really does add extra beauty to things.

In ten years someone else might own your house and the room you are sitting in now. Someone else might be standing right next to where you are sitting now. So that means you could be standing right next to someone but you can't see him or her because they are ten years away. Ever look at life like that?
Haha, you bet I do! Homestuck just made it that much worse!

What do you bring to this world that no one else can?
My mindkids. All 700+ of them! Honestly, I love them so much. I need to get better at my art, because it hurts to be holding them back like this...

Do you feel that you are part of every living thing in this world and that all those things are part of you?
Yesss. ♥ It's one of my favorite feelings.

Are you more afraid of death or not completely living?
Not completely living. Life is precious, friend.

What was the last thing you wanted to do but didn't or couldn't do?
Draw. Seriously, my biggest roadblock is not knowing how to start a drawing. I can't tell you how long I spend staring at papers, trying to figure out how to get what's in my head onto the page.

Why don't you try and do that thing now?
I think I will, actually. Maybe I'll get somewhere this time.

What is the most wonderful thing happening right now in the world?
There is love!

Name 7 things going on around you that you normally wouldn't notice:
1. My headvoices working upstairs!
2. The sound of my brother's computer
3. The color of the cars driving by outside
4. The shape of the tree just outside my door
5. The little technical sounds of the violin in this song
6. The fact that my FROST* calendar says it's "Ruby Tuesday." Is it now? ♥
7. My Chaos 0 plushie and how he really looks like he was hell to stitch, haha!

What do you tend to see in black and white, rather than in shades of gray?
Zebras. Well I do!

Admit three things you do that you are ashamed of but shouldn't be.
1. Making mistakes (we all do).
2. Voicing my own opinions
3. Acknowledging that I am a decent person!

What qualities make a person “good” in your eyes?
An open heart, a drive to learn, a need to help others, honesty and compassion... you know the drill.

Do you have any of these qualities?
I must admit that I do.

Are you willing to do what it takes to achieve what you want to?
As long as 'what it takes' doesn't involve hurting others. I won't do that.

Name one bad quality about someone you love.
Chaos can get too emotional. He has a bad temper, can act rashly, and jumps to conclusions when upset. Plus when he's depressed enough he might block everything out for a while.

Name one good quality about someone you hate.
Julie doesn't hack me as much as she has the means to. Then again, I'm no good to her dead.

What are you most afraid of?
Falling into the ignorance I once lived in.

Whose life would you REALLY NOT want to ever have? Why?
Uh, honestly, I don't want any life but my own. With all its trials and tribulations, it has worked for the best, and I am happy for it. However my life turns out in the future, I will accept it.

Who was the last person you were rude to?
My grandmother, I guess. She talks a lot and it wears down my nerves, and I feel really bad about it.

Are you awkward or graceful?
I'm very awkward, I must say. I'm still not very good at judging how to move around or act!

Do you wear glasses/contacts?
I wear glasses sometimes, as my eyes have convergence problems. Normally I'm okay enough without them.

What's going on where you are right now?
My brothers have taken over the XBox for the day, and I am talking to Melody online. Otherwise, it's just another empty day in this house.

What is your favorite thing to touch?
Unusually fluffy things! I have this one plush bear with fur that has a very thick but short pile, and its like custard or something. It is the best thing.

What is your favorite kind of incense?
The kind they burn at church. It makes me think of Angelorei!

What relaxes you?
Being 'home.' Long story...

How much time have you wasted?
Too much of it. I didn't understand my life, or myself, until I was almost two decades old, so I lost a lot of time.

How do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle?
I don't, love! With my conditions I currently can't hold a job, but I live for the music anyway so hey. Seriously, at heart I'm still a total vagrant, for whatever reason.

Do you mostly listen or hear?
Listen. Ironically, I don't usually 'hear' what I'm not listening to!

Look or see?
See! I'm now able to see things better. It's awesome.

Do you comprehend all the things you read?
It might take a few tries, but yeah. It's why it takes me ages to read books!

Is it necessary to be repetitive in order to be creative?
Um, I don't know? If you mean practice, then it does help, but you can be creative at heart in any case.

Do you control your attitude or does it control you?
I am learning to control it. It controlled me for most of my life.

Are your relationships mostly passion or conversation?
Conversation, dude! Which is kind of paradoxical, because when we talk it kind of translates into feelings more than anything.

Do you do what needs to be done regardless of the consequences?
Laurie does. I tend to hesitate, and compromise the wrong things. She has saved my life on numerous occasions.

Is money how you keep score?
Pff, no. Money doesn't really faze me, which might cause me some problems in due time!

Who can you do everything or nothing with and still have the best time?
Chaos and Laurie, no contest! I can name a few girls on this planet who used to fit that description, but... I haven't seen them in so many years.

Just because you're angry does that give you the right to be cruel?
No, never.

What is maturity and where does it come from?
Maturity, I think, is the ability to be responsible and kind, considerate and honest, understanding and unselfish... the learning to overcome the ego, I suppose. And it comes from either self-inspection and hard work on that level, or never letting the shadows trick you in the first place. Maybe I'm getting too far into this definition?

Who is the maturest person you know?
Nebisai, seriously. Holy heavens. The man knows what he's doing!

Who is the most immature person you know?
I'm tempted to say my grandmother, but I only know her outside actions. I don't have the right to judge her as a person.

If there was a fire and you could only rescue one thing from your room (all people and pets have escaped on their own, even goldfish) what would it be?
The box under this table. In that box is my life's work. I keep it in there just in case I do need to grab it and run. It's the only material possession I need, honestly... and it's only material because I'm bad at remembering things myself.

What do you think of the Insane Clown Posse?
This!

Is choosing a different store to shop in from most people really making a statement?
Uh, I don't think it's much of a statement, no. People can shop wherever they want.

Who needs to get a life?
Someone who has none left and only one ring! Quick, grab 99 more!

What should be different about high school curriculum?
Students should be taught to learn, not memorize... teachers should actually follow through on their lesson plans (mine didn't), and there should be resources for students who can't easily learn material in the same way as the majority!

Right now are you exactly the way you want to be?
Yes. I just need to dust off the things keeping me from being.

Who can save you from yourself?
Ah, but I don't need to be saved from myself-- only from the things that try to be me!

Are you a responsible person?
Not yet. My old self tried to hard and ruined his honor. Now I am working to restore it.

"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious." (Oscar Wilde)
Do you agree?
Haha, that is awesome. I suppose I do agree on some level, definitely.

Do you want to have it all?
Define "all," my friend. I may not be rich or famous or pretty or any of those passing things... but I have love, and that's enough for me.

Now I need to finish typing this Blurty entry from two days ago... weekends are sinkholes for me, I swear.
After that I'm going to see what I can do for Jo, and anyone else who needs help. I really am concerned, but I'm sure we can get through this.
I'm feeling pretty optimistic right now, despite the situation. I know things will turn out for the best.

threadbare

2011-07-15T17:25:18Z

I am worn out right now. I don't have the strength to talk about or deal with very much.
I spent my entire morning doing two things: trying to reason with my grandmother, which I do every morning and is always impossible... and discussing how incredibly ridiculous our world's current political/ religious/ etc. views are and how sick we were of it.
Man. I am seriously drained, but not in the sense where I want to sleep. That's a different sort.
This is the sort where I want to be awake, but somewhere else.
I'm tired of always having to run from life in order to feel safe. And I'm tired of not even having safety when I do.
But maybe that's asking too much.
I never wanted an easy life after all.
Just a meaningful one.

How often do you change your mood in a day?
That depends. Most days I wake up in one base mood (from my shift and/or from the house atmosphere) and everything stems from that... but, if there's a significant enough event in the course of my day, it can change things for better or for worse. I have to be careful that it's not an override, though. Those only happen with 'good moods,' and they are scary.

When you ask people how they are doing you actually care about their answer or is it just polite?
No, I actually care. It's rather scary to me that people would ask that and not care.

Would you consider yourself to be very polite?
Maybe? I try my best to be considerate and kind, but I don't know if that would involve being 'polite' for some people.

Do you like movies and books that involve nuclear holocaust?
No, they make me physically ill. What are we doing to each other?

Have you ever had a lucid dream (a dream in which you knew you were dreaming and had complete control over what happened in the dream)?
No. I'm almost always aware that I'm dreaming, but I don't ever have complete control. When I'm lucid I'm just able to use personal abilities at will, such as summoning and flight, but they might not always work... and I can't do a thing about my environment or the dream events.

Have you ever had a flying dream?
I have them relatively often, from what I gather. They usually coincide with dream music.

Have you ever had a lucid flying dream?
I told you, I'm almost always aware that I'm dreaming! So yes. It just gets so frustrating when I either hit that 'invisible ceiling' or can't catch enough air.

What's the oddest law you ever heard of?
There are tons of ridiculous laws in our government system. I don't want to think about this again.

What is the ultimate way to connect with another person?
Well, since I don't know what your definition of that word is... um, there's no simple way to define my view on this. I'll say it involves living both for and with a person, for love, through love. Nebisai could probably explain it better than I.

Can you be intimate with someone without touching him or her?
I don't know what you define 'intimate' as. For me it is impossible to be 'intimate' without closeness, as that's my definition. But I don't like touching people, usually. And I hate 'shallow' or light touch. Ew. If I'm going to be 'intimate' or close to someone, I am going all out.

Can men and women ever really be 'just friends' with no interest in anything more?
Why not? Once again, this is why I don't date. It unnerves me that people seriously need to ask this question.

If your signifigant other wanted to wait for marriage could you hold out or would you leave them (or would you cheat)?
I repeat: sex is stupid in my opinion. If it weren't for Julie's war crimes I never would have stepped into that playing field.

If you had a theme song what would it be?
I still can't decide a single song for this, because I'm not sure what a "theme song" is defined as. Does it define through mood, or sound, or lyrics? All three, or something else? Seriously. Anyway, for sound it would be Influtusa by erast, for lyrics it would be Black Light Machine by FROST*, and for mood I keep gravitating back to something happy but with a contemplative edge. And then of course you have the entire NIER soundtrack, so.

Are you cranky?
No, just hypersensitive.

Which group generally annoys you more, people older than you, or people younger than you?
Anyone who believes that it's "their way or the highway" and refuses to acknowledge or respect the opinions and ideas of others. Age doesn't matter.

Which is better: Poems that everyone can relate to or poems that are intensely personal to the author?
Intensely personal ones. I like meaning.

Is it worse to be too hot or too cold?
Too hot, for me. It's much harder to cool off than warm up, and I do tend to like the cold.

Would you enjoy reading fairy tales written about robots?
Yes, holy heavens, where can I find some?

Is smoking a turn on or gross?
Gross. I don't like smoking whatsoever. It plays havoc on my lungs too.

What is the one way you wouldn't want to die?
For a ridiculous or senseless cause, like as an accidental (or conscious) casualty for someone else's selfish motives.

Would you rather have a job doing something indoors or outdoors?
That depends on what the job is. But optimally, I'd like to be as close to the outdoors as possible. I can't work without light and air or I flip out.

Have you ever taken honors courses?
A few times, yeah. The worst was honors History in high school-- he'd give us 5-question pop quizzes almost every morning, which would kill your grade if you got even one question wrong.

When was the last time you screwed up big time?
A few days ago, when I let myself splinter instead of running.

Do you have a paper journal also?
I used to, but I get the same communication problem I do when talking. Writing by hand is too slow and I often forget how to form letters right.

What book are you reading right now?
Still working on "The Power Of Now." I want to make sure I get as much as possible out of it.

Is the news too depressing?
Sometimes. I'm tired of getting emails about crazy politicians who want the world to revolve around them.

Are you late for a very important date?
Haha, maybe. In terms of writing I think I am. Thank Vezerai and his Cheshire-bat madness for that though.

Your best color: blue or red?
I'm not sure. My personal color has been red for a while, but I've been picking up an odd connection to blue lately. That's probably because of Chaos, but it does make me think.

Can you sing?
I don't sing anymore because it gives me dysphoria AND ego hacks. I can only sing in my dreams, when I have the right voice.

It's the end of the world, as we know it. How do you feel?
Sad because we probably caused it.

You take your little sister (she's 12) shopping for school clothes. She picks out a skimpy top emblazoned "Hottie" and hip-hugging pants that leave at least two inches of skin north and south of her navel exposed to the wind. She insists: If she doesn't have these clothes, she'll look awful, the other kids will tease her, and she’ll feel like a nerd.
Do you think she should or should not wear these clothes? Do you buy them for her?
I tell her to wait, and we discuss this insanity straightaway. Social expectations and stereotypes piss me off, especially those based around something as shallow as clothes and physical appearance. I can't do anything about the other kids, but if my sis and I reach an understanding that she doesn't need to 'live up' to anyone else's projections, and she still wants the clothes for her own honest reasons, I'd get them for her. I just don't want her wearing them because she 'felt she had to,' because that leads to personality compromising and misery. I spent my entire childhood doing that and it was awful.

Do you always do what's expected of you?
No. I used to, but now I've realized that most of us have our personalities written for us by others. So expectations are pretty silly when you think about it. I simply do my best, and if someone else doesn't like it, then hey.

Do you believe everything you hear on the news?
Nope. I know very well that things are often skewed and withheld.

Would you prefer a $100.00 gift certificate to Hot Topic or Abercrombie & Fitch (assuming neither store gives change, so you'll have to spend the whole thing)?
Hot Topic, all the way. I've never even been to the other store.

Who looks sloppier when they are over weight, guys or girls?
It doesn't matter; you only look sloppy if you don't take care of yourself, regardless of weight or gender.

At what age do you become all grown up?
'Growing up' is a ridiculous term too. Here, have a quote from C.S. Lewis:
"Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."

Are you a force of nature?
If you were from where I was from, you'd be f*ing dead!

Do you think that everyone makes his or her own problems?
Yes. We all have a choice over how we react to, and deal with things.

Do you often consider how your actions will affect other people?
Always. Unfortunately my caretakers don't seem capable of doing so.

What's more important, fame or personal accomplishment?
Personal accomplishment. Fame is a rather empty thing, unless you're using that fame to positively influence others.

Do rock stars work hard or lead the easy life?
They work hard in their own right.

Are you driven or kinda apathetic?
I'm driven. Apathy scares me, but it's easy to fall into around here. I have to be careful.

Who do you turn to when you are down?
Chaos and Laurie. That, or I just reflect alone. Either way I get things done.

My grandmother just came home and immediately starting shouting... why can't she change her attitude on life? For heaven's sakes, this is actually painful. Every two seconds she's spitting ignorance, carelessness and spite. Then she wonders why everyone is always so miserable, herself included.
Oh well. I tried, so help me. I do my best. This isn't my fault, no matter how much blame she throws on me and everyone else.
I just wish it would stop.