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I'm feeling very out of sorts lately. Last night I went to Starbucks and read East Of Eden and wrote in my journal while I waited for Sera to take her break so we could hang out. I love being in there when I don't have to work. The regular customers come in and I actually get to have conversations with them. I get to actually sit and enjoy my drink instead of rushing to get back to work. Anyway, while I was sitting there writing in my journal, I realized something. I am more afraid of getting hurt in a relationship again than I thought I was. I mean, I don't give guys a chance to get close to me. For example, a few summers ago I met a perfectly nice guy through some friends. He was attractive, a few years older, and he and I really hit it off. He got my number from our mutual friends, called me....and I blew him off. I had no reason to do so, I was single (I almost always am), and he would have made a pretty great boyfriend. But my fear got in the way and I blew him off, and I hurt his feelings. I still feel guilty about that a year and a half later. I think my problem is that I expect the relationship to end badly from the start, so I just don't even bother. I wish I knew how to fix this. I wish I knew how to just give someone a chance to get close to me. People always say you shouldn't let fear get in the way of you achieving your goals. But I've let fear run my life. I mean, what do I have to show for myself? I'm twenty years old, I stopped going to college, I work at Starbucks, and I have had no significant relationship for the past two years. I am so afraid of failure and hurt that I've let my life come to a complete standstill. I just want to do something that will make someone proud of me. | ||||
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