THE POLICE// (the_police) wrote,
@ 2009-04-11 11:42:00

HOW'S MY DRIVING//
How's my driving?

Comment here with your username for critique purposes. All comments made to users need to be anonymous. Make sure all comments are constructive. Flaming or blatant harassment will not be tolerated. You are allowed to also comment to give praise, or tell a character how much you love them. ♥

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	kakumei 2009-04-14 06:42 pm UTC (link)
	kakumei (Reply to this)(Thread)

(Anonymous)
2009-07-25 11:40 am UTC (link)

Madara is one of those characters that I just can't figure out why anyone even had the idea to play. And yet! I really like how you have him gather information through journal comments, and how clear it is that he's trying (successfully) to orchestrate things behind the scenes. He's quirky without being... quirky just for the sake of being quirky. You do a good job of engaging the readers and whoever is RPing/commenting with you without making them do all of the work (in my experience).

Mostly my only other issue is the sudden Uchihacest out of nowhere. If there had been more logs with Madara and Sasuke leading up to it, that would have been much better than a random incest log. It's not the subject matter, don't get me wrong, but how it seemed rushed.

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kakumei
2009-07-25 09:47 pm UTC (link)

Aww, thank you! Madara is like my fav to play, so I love that he can be all EVIL but then so subdued with a sense of humor. It's good times.

The thing between Sasuke and Madara was supposed to be a subtle relationship, if you noticed in the first Uchiha family log when Sasuke greeted Madara, it was with a kiss, etc. Even way back at the first event, the two of them were giving hints of an intimate relationship while watching fireworks. Obviously a sex log wasn't subtle, but we wanted to show the deeper intimate side of the relationship too, along with the guilt both parties felt about it.

Sorry if it seemed rushed, it was kind of one of those things we talked more about behind the scenes, but I promise to do better in keeping you all informed. :o

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(Anonymous)
2009-07-26 12:32 am UTC (link)

You're doing very well with Madara as the big baddy. Like the other anon said, you balance his criminal attitude with his quirky nature well, and it especially shows when you comment around with him. I don't think anyone could look at Madara online and not notice he's against Hokage, yet you do well with keeping him mysteriously neutral as well, at least as far as Masenshi is concerned, so people trust him (as much as you can trust someone online). As far as his motivations go, I appreciate how you play him from the angle of wanting to make right in the world, and wanting to have all those things he's heard about in stories. It gives him a softer focus and a lot of dimension rather than saying he hates Hokage and "GRRRRR I'm so hungry so I'm gonna kill some blonds."

The only complaint I could give, which is more like a request, is since Madara is the head honcho of Masenshi, you should log more plot. I see you do a lot of work on Madara's phone entry, which helps, but logs depicting his interaction with Deidara would be appreciated just to give the rest of the community some background. A log with all the Uchiha planning out their next attack or strategy would be a good idea, too. The events come, and sometimes without background logs they seem confusing or out of context. It's not just your responsibility, but since you do play Madara as the leader it would be great to see him do his thing behind the scenes.

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	celibation 2009-04-14 06:43 pm UTC (link)
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	(Anonymous) 2009-07-25 11:43 am UTC (link)
	I really, really, really appreciate that you get creative with his cussing. And that it's clear when he's lashing out for no reason versus lashing out for an actual reason. I want to see him more though! MORE. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	celibation 2009-07-26 01:40 am UTC (link)
	What, you fucking don't fucking like the fucking word fuck every fucking other word in a godfuck sentence? rofl ;__; I'm working on it, I promise. I was just recently thinking he needed way more love, since he's a lot of fun for me to play. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	(Anonymous) 2009-07-26 12:35 am UTC (link)
	I love the way you play him, both in logs and in comments. He's the most IC Hidan I've ever seen, and they way you've translated him from canon to The City is brilliant. I agree, I need more of him! (Reply to this)(Parent)

	sakurablossom 2009-04-16 08:24 am UTC (link)
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	microchipped 2009-04-17 06:21 am UTC (link)
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(Anonymous)
2009-07-25 12:36 pm UTC (link)

I see you there, tricking us into giving you praise with that icon! You're not fooling anybody.

I cannot properly describe in words how much I love your characterization of TC!Naruto. He is possibly the most challenging character to make fit in this setting, and yet you keep it very obvious that he's still the Naruto we know and love -- either through his internal struggles to act against how he was raised, or through his interactions as Toad. His insecurity at being the youngest police chief is so, so adorable, and that combined with his internal struggle really draws the line between his father's generation and this younger generation. Maybe I'm reading too far into it but I like the parallel between the manga and TC, in that the younger generation has the potential to change the ways things have been run for ages.

As Toad it's refreshing to see even the chief of police say "hehe" and indulge in making games and getting the internet to feed his ego. It's also fun to see his mischievous side come out online. I really liked when he was trying to get Temari to tell him more about what she thought of him (when she didn't realize who he was).

It would be easy to simply remind everyone that Naruto is a super genius, but that you choose to let his thoughts and actions say it for you makes a much better impression. Plus, that you balance his intelligence out with an absurd lack of social skills and normal, teenaged insecurity is just brilliant.

With recent IC events I'm really glad to see Naruto front and center, which is so often not the case in AU games. Woo naruto.

I could go on but you'll have to work for it. ♥

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	technologique 2009-04-18 09:42 am UTC (link)
	technologique (Reply to this)(Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2009-07-26 09:51 am UTC (link)
	If your character is going to be involved in a game wide plot you should probably consider posting a relevant log that shows the rest of the players what you're up to. The phone log with Dei and Mada references two meetings between them that I have yet to see posted, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like to read them. Please don't leave us in the dark! (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	technologique 2009-07-26 05:43 pm UTC (link)
	Yes. I would love this as well but as it is a two way street, I can only log with another party and if the other party is unable to log then I can not. I was well prepared to log this but due to time constrictions, it hasn't happened yet. When a log happens I'll make sure everyone gets to read it. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

(Anonymous)
2009-07-26 11:43 pm UTC (link)

I understand if someone isn't available to log with you. I might suggest in the future you consider posting a private journal entry, in which your character speaks of what was supposed to have happened, but without letting other characters read it. Or even just an OOC note. Just something to keep the players you aren't talking with on a daily basis in the loop. Thanks!

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doseidomei
2009-07-27 02:21 am UTC (link)

I'm surprised that people are really wanting to know what Deidara is doing since 99.9% of the people who talk to him in the journals are people who I do speak to on a daily basis. And just put that down to Itachi as well.

That is a good idea though but hard as logs are never concrete, someone says something that the other reacts to and it changes which has happened many times before which makes it hard to even journal comment about it or bring it up until the log is complete. Which sometimes can take months.

But I will keep that in mind since people apparently want to know more. It is a good suggestion. Thanks :D

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	doseidomei 2009-04-28 07:36 am UTC (link)
	doseidomei (Reply to this)(Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2009-07-26 11:40 pm UTC (link)
	Sometimes I have an exceptionally hard time understanding your writing, and not in a "tragically misunderstood" way. Your sentence structure and grammar tend to be really out of whack. The same obviously goes for Deidara. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	shukumei 2009-07-27 01:45 am UTC (link)
	This post isn't for criticizing other people's writing but their characterizations. Everyone has a certain voice in their writing, and the same goes for her. If there's something you don't understand, why don't you ping her and ask her to clarify instead of attacking her form? This was a pretty fucking rude comment. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	doseidomei 2009-07-27 02:00 am UTC (link)
	Examples? and if you like, include ways on how you would write it so that way, I can see and learn if it's going to work. You need clarification as it was stated, ping me. That's what other people do. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

(Anonymous)
2009-07-27 03:26 am UTC (link)

Dropping in to give you an example! Here's an excerpt from the Uchiha bonding log. Just as a rule, run-on sentences are hard to read, and make it harder to concentrate on what's being said. Commas aren't just so that you can take a breath, but so your brain can process everything in smaller chunks.

"Flirting. [:] Now that was a word that he recently ~~come~~ [came] to know. ~~Previously before he was told the word that identified with it~~ [Before he knew there was a word for it,] Itachi saw it as the thing that Sasuke did to lure in clients that[,] in a subtle way, was the same that he witnessed the Chief of Police doing with that brunette girl. Well[,] what she was doing with him. The ~~other~~ [Chief] looked about as clueless as he [Itachi] was in the matter of it. This could have been something ground breaking that they required to get the dirt in on the Chief, knowing that he was consorting with a lower caste when it was frowned upon as class for class [???], you don't advance but it still happened unless it bare a mixed child from the liaison and they moved up. [<--- I get the basic idea here but it's really unintelligible.] The parent wouldn't have. It was pointless to undertake[,] yet people did. Something that did not make sense to Itachi.

This was going to require his full attention as this was pertaining to work,[.] [P]utting the cookies down safely on the table, [he] fold~~ing~~[ed] his arms[,] staring intently at the wall[,] trying to determine what ~~to him was~~ his definition of flirting was. This was not something that he had read in a book or learn during his minimal time at school. No one taught you the ways to act human, this side was left to instinct. [What side?]

From what he had witnessed, it was the smaller subtle things. He had followed his brother out some times at night when he went off to deal business,[;] if he knew or not[,] Itachi didn't know, [simply] wanting to make sure that he was safe. [Disjointed like woah.] Sasuke's actions were more predominant than what that girl was doing to the blonde. Sasuke would touch someone, sometimes lightly, sometimes not,[.] [S]ometimes it [there] would be a weird look on his face that the other would reciprocate to, then they would leave either by car or ~~walk to~~ [on foot,] ~~which~~ [but] he stopped watching from there.

[New paragraph.] Body language was another important aspect of it. You didn't even have to physically or verbally tell your intentions straight out to someone ~~without them picking it up~~ [for them to pick it up,] which was another trait his brother was particularly good at. That was what the girl was doing. A certain way she fidgeted, [the] brushing back of hair, [and] the stare back at him wasn't exactly wide eyes and alert, [as if] lost in some kind of dream land. It could have been her personality coming through[,] if that was what she looked like[,] except that was not what he witnessed. It might have been raining hard [enough] to blur his vision[,] but that was ~~shown~~ clearly to him."

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doseidomei
2009-07-27 04:23 am UTC (link)

Thank you for that.

Grammar is not a strong point which I have commented in prior (not too sure of in here though) so I should tell you now that I also use random words that make no sense to the sentence at times because I'm paying attention to other things at the same time. Just so you know being that you want to point that out. Because those I am highly aware of.

If you do or have log with me, then tell me. Seriously, I know this is a problem and being that you are picking apart my writing and not characterization then I will take that as a good point and be mindful of the future to double read my post to make sure they are correct :D

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	cadaver_theatre 2009-05-05 05:58 am UTC (link)
	cadaver_theatre (Reply to this)(Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2009-07-26 09:13 am UTC (link)
	Your Sasori could stand to be more calculating and manipulative. I want to see more of him. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	cadaver_theatre 2009-07-27 12:49 am UTC (link)
	More then before? From how I played him against those he already has, how exactly would you see him being more manipulative then he has been? (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

(Anonymous)
2009-07-27 01:21 am UTC (link)

Well, being that his canon self is a puppet master, it just seems that you would do well to make that a bigger part of his character. Plus we haven't really seen or heard too much about his little "side projects," which I think would help cement his motivations. In general I just feel that you could put more emphasis on his need to control others and his own situation, rather than his anti-social nature, which seems to be your main focal point. (I'm not saying he's not anti-social, just that it shouldn't be the focus of your characterization.)

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	spiral_aura 2009-05-10 09:48 am UTC (link)
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	shukumei 2009-05-22 09:53 am UTC (link)
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	discounted 2009-05-31 10:06 pm UTC (link)
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	(Anonymous) 2009-07-27 05:38 am UTC (link)
	Tobi is sooooo cute. ♥ (Reply to this)(Parent)

	konstant 2009-06-07 11:09 am UTC (link)
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	the_police 2009-07-25 10:58 am UTC (link)
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	boned 2009-07-27 07:34 am UTC (link)
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	hogoshu 2009-07-27 08:07 am UTC (link)
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	glitched 2009-08-27 12:36 am UTC (link)
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	hikemei 2009-09-20 02:07 am UTC (link)
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