The new era.

Like gravity.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Fri, 25 May 2012 00:15:33 GMT

Love is such a destructive force. I really don't think it's worth it to let myself slide into that ever again. I hate myself for not being able to let this go. And there's a certain amount of hate I have for her, too. Or maybe it's not hate. Maybe it's just resentment. Maybe it's not even that. I guess I can't really describe it. Whatever it is, it sucks and I wish it would go away. =/ But I guess it can't if she's always there. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Maybe I like this type of pain, and that's why I always subscribe to it. But I don't like it, and that's the problem.

Quite the quote

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Thu, 24 May 2012 16:06:08 GMT

"If somebody was always stealing pies and couldn't go a day without eating a pie, you wouldn't trust them around pies. Yet, according to some people, we're supposed to ignore the fact that women sleep around and can't go a day without receiving some kind of sexual, flirtatious, or romantic attention from a man. We're supposed to pretend this somehow doesn't reflect their character. We're supposed to trust them even though the same behavior in any other area of life would negate all trust. Why would a woman who has constantly been seeking attention from men her whole life and has shown no ability to live for any period of time without it - while jumping from man to man, while sometimes juggling a couple at a time - , make a trustworthy companion? You shouldn't trust such a woman to be a good wife or companion anymore than you'd intrust a glutton with keeping an eye on your fridge."

It's just me against the world, baby.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Wed, 23 May 2012 03:01:20 GMT

So much has happened since I last updated this. And I'm not going to go into detail with more than a couple years worth of stuff. Honestly, I should have kept up with this. I wish I had. But, that's okay. I figure this is the perfect place of seclusion to write down how I'm planning the next chapter of my life. We all know plans are generally worthless, but I can't even begin to tell you how hard I'm going on this one.

* I will never be hurt again like the past couple females have hurt me. Never. I refuse to put myself in that situation again. It's not worth it.
* I am getting a car by the end of August. I can't stand not having a way around and I just look pathetic without one. Twenty four and no car. Bullshit.
* There are a couple people I need to resurrect my friendship with that I've sorely neglected. This ties into having a car.
* . No relationship for a VERY long time. That solves that. People suck.
* Focus on self. Focus on Nova. Focus on Romeo. Fuck outsiders. else. I don't have time for people who aren't worthy of my dawning circle.
* Run harder at work. It's going to be tough... especially with cruel summer approaching, but I have to. I need money. Theoretically, earning is limitless. I'll get in better shape that way, too.
* I'm on a good path, but I need to get into even better shape.
* I need to be a better person in general. I need to pick up where I left off a couple years ago. I was doing so good. And I think I'm off to a decent start. The problem lies in letting people push me and push me until I'm not in a good place anymore. I let others dictate my mood and outlook. It shouldn't be like that. I will NOT be like that anymore.
*Return to roots. <3 HBK is large and in charge. <3
* I've spent nearly twenty-four years hating it... I want to learn how to love my life.

T L J C

Let's make this happen.

Better mood.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 17:37:53 GMT

I've been in a much better mood since I last wrote. Sometimes, I just get so run down with pressures everywhere. It gets tough, man. The best thing to do is play it one day at a time... since that's the only real option. I think other people's positive attitudes are helping me, too. Just casual talk with Hessica, Jeni, Nissi, or anyone else about life helps me with and upcoming events and helps me see things with a better perspective. My moods change daily. But, I've been okay. I have a lot to get done in a little bit of time, but that's okay. I've been in pressured situations before, right? Right. I'm surrounded by great people, and I won't accept any less. I frankly can't be bothered by any less. One day at a time.

I live a life I don't want to live.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 01:16:20 GMT

Well, it's been another few months since I've updated this piece of shit. I just got a job last week back at publix as a deli clerk. I make less than I did when i was there last time. I found out I'm having a baby girl the last dr's appointment I went to. I get asked why I'm not excited about having a kid. I told Jeni why last night. She seemingly understands, although she did as me if I wanted to have anymore. Not a chance. Why do people always assume you're going to be excited or thrilled? I don't get it. This is probably the last thing I needed at this moment in my life. I didn't necessarily want a child, but I always thought that even if I were to have one, I'd hope that I'd be able to raise it according to my thoughts and beliefs. It seems like I won't even get that chance. She will be raised opposite of me, it seems. So what am I good for? Nothing, really. Maybe a source of income and something to laugh at once in awhile.

The people I work with are pretty cool. My manager, Linda, even bought me lunch today. I've never had anything like that done for me by a manager before. She seems to really give a shit about everyone, and that's pretty fucking awesome. Pretty admirable, too. Lately, I've been using Hessica's car to get back and forth. It's cool that she let me use it. Well, now she might be getting a job and I'll have to find another way to work. Finding that out ruined my day. Things really seemed to be looking up, too. I was in more of a "face mode", I suppose. Now I feel reverted and depressed. I hate this. This one thing reminds me of how much I detest my life and am very tired of struggling with seemingly no breaks no matter how hard I try to work my way out of everything bad. For the people that know me... the ones who genuinely know me... they know how I am. I try my best to be a decent person in every aspect of life. I really do. Regardless of how good I am and how much I try, nothing ever works how I want it to. I am so sick of this shit. I wonder if anyone ever looks at me after hearing about my life and wonders "why hasn't this guy offed himself". I think that about myself, so I'm sure SOMEONE is bound to have. I had a lot more to say, but I'd rather not type anymore.

Ugh.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 09:38:06 GMT

I'm thoroughly disgusted. I feel like throwing up. Sometimes it seems like all chicks are the same.

Bitter

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 17:20:24 GMT

I am becoming very angry and very bitter towards everything again. I don't like it. I'm constantly feeling like I'm in a foul mood. I try so hard not to show it, but how long can I really do that? Once again, it feels like life is fucking me from all angles, and no, I don't get a chance to breathe.

Uncomfortable

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 00:08:45 GMT

This is very hard for me. I'm not exactly what you'd call "ready" for this. I don't see why I have to go through life test after life test. It's so fucked up. I've always had the personal option of "giving up" per say... that is, until now. I don't even have that. I wouldn't dare leave her by herself. I just don't have a damn thing, nor am I fit for this world. Or so I feel...
But, most of life's circumstances we bring upon ourselves, and this one is no different. I just wish the timing was a little better than this, because last year seemed to drain the life & everything else I had straight from me. I mean, 2 1/2 months down time for 1 year of hell is hardly what I consider to be "okay". Whatever.

Topsy

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 07:34:54 GMT

I don't even know how to just come out and update this thing. Too much has happened in such a little time. I can't even seem to get it out right. But, just know it's there. It'll be there for a long time. My life has changed forever.

Ugh.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 03:22:51 GMT

Why do I feel shattered? I hate this.

Drain you.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 01:22:56 GMT

I'm tired. I need to sleep. I have to get a few things done pretty soon. I'm tired of not having money and not working. I've tried hard to get a job, but these assholes never call me back. I've been waiting on this "for sure" job for a few days now. I call these places and they give me the run around. I'm tired of being dicked around. Fuck everything. Should I just be a career criminal or something? How is it that other people can get all these calls and interviews, but I can't? What the fuck is wrong with me? It's times like these that make me want to revert to my old train of thought. Gah...

The it they call "thing".

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:49:27 GMT

Not much of anything went on yesterday during the day. I spent much of it sleeping because I felt like ass. When I finally could crawl my sorry ass out of bed, I got in the shower and it felt so great. I rebraided my hair, then I got out. I saw Ashleen for a split second, then she left. Sat down for a bit staring into space, then Chris & Alecia walked in. We sat around talking about randomness, drank some Sparks, etc. Fun times. Then Hessica came over and we had fun. We were all just diddling around. You know how it goes. Then we decided to get one of those big sandwiches from Wal-Mart. At Wal-Mart, we ran into Seth, Becca, and Jen. That was a pleasant surprise! We all hung out just wandering around doing whatever. Hessica and I came home and just kind of ate our sandwich and bundled up. It was pleasant.

.222

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:39:05 GMT

I had a pretty great night last night despite this stupid sickness. Hessica is really sweet to me. We watched 500 Days of Summer and then started watching Role Models. We were up pretty late, and she didn't even tell me she had to be to work at 9 until she started falling asleep on the couch at 4ish. She needs to sleep more. I'm more than familiar with the side effects of having little to no sleep. It was fun, though. We went to wally world and got one of those big sandwiches with all the change we had. Good times. T'was a lovely Saturday. Wouldn't you agree?

Wrong.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 00:50:19 GMT

You read that completely wrong. It makes me want to pull my pigtails. It's my own fault, though.

But, sometimes things are better off not said. Not said.

Not said. I'm just being goofy, though. Ugh! Maybe Jen can help? Maybe I'll ask.

I'm still sick and that makes me very angry. My body aches, my head hurts, my throat is scratchy, and my nose is like a fucking faucet. Even though I'm sick, I feel like getting drunk. But I've felt like a lot of things lately. All of it has been pretty weird.

Waterfowl

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 10:42:28 GMT

Look, I'm sick. I'm in a foul mood because of it, too. Do not test.

So, I'm very much relieved that Hess is alright and it was nothing too serious. She's had me rather concerned the past few days.

I'm surprised that place hasn't called me back about taking that damn security test, yet. Wtf!? I need some money, you bastards! I'm growing very impatient.

Did I mention that I'm sick and I'll eat your face?

I have 1 tissue, too. This isn't going to be very pretty. And no, I'm not "down with the sickness" you twatwaffle, cuntsicle.

Anyways, I spent some time talking to Danielle tonight, too. I miss talking to Danielle. That chick is bad ass. I always found it amazing how we could relate on so many levels about our ex marriages. She definitely helped me through some rough spots. And she's 12 years older than me. Who would've thunk it?

Talked to Ally for a bit, as well. I haven't seen her on much, either. She's a work-horse when it comes to her schooling.

I still don't know what to do about the whole Shawn situation. It saddens me how that's gone. I had so much hope in it, too.

And now we get to the part where I'm a dick who lies about his whereabouts, and sends mixed signals. Friends? Har. Oh well, I'd rather make people who say and think that about me look like an ass by being honest and straight forward. I think I'm doing a damn good job of that. Do not test.

I can't be bothered with this.

Enough.

Pulse

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 08:45:43 GMT

So, I should have a job soon. About fucking time. I feel like I'm moving too slow for my own liking. I'm trying my fucking hardest, so if this year doesn't end to the standard that I want it to... the consequences will match the results. Point blank.
But I'm trying to have faith. I would like to be able to help others again as well. What's the point in having what you have if you can't share it, ya know?

On yet another note - Fucking hell! Her eyes are so gorgeous.

And no, I'd rather not be tested. I've decided that I shouldn't even go that way. It would just be stupid and quite rude in my opinion. I told Jen about that since she is technically the only one in the know anyways.

On another note - took a look at Dana's fb again. Not so good for the mental stability. I'm really surprised by how much she's changed. But, I suppose she has a lot of growing up to do. Shit, so do I. But her, even more so. She apparently smokes now... fucking disgusting. Bleh. Fuck you.

Next level.

I had a good day, though.

Good night. I don't think today is an appropriate day to jump into traffic. Har!

Listening

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 15:41:35 GMT

I wish people would take the time to really listen to me when I tell them I'm not feeling up to doing something. I give people a lot of my time because I genuinely care. But sometimes... just sometimes, I feel like people take what I say with a grain of salt. That fucking bothers me to no extent. I always listen to people thoroughly. Maybe I'm not being firm enough? I don't fucking know. I'm pretty much annoyed, though. I have shit to do today, so fuck it.

What was I thinking?

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 06:25:13 GMT

"This is the proving ground, as the heat begins to rise..."

So please, tell me what I was thinking. How do I look someone in the face who is obviously concerned and completely not say what I'm feeling. It was like there was a hole being burned through me, but it somehow felt just fine. I don't like the distress in my mind. I don't like having conflicting feelings in my mind, either. I don't like having forks in the road, and there's no such thing as following intuition, etc with this. I'm just being stupid. But that's not unusual. I think I should abandon all of that. These thoughts are sometimes too much with everything else I have going on.

Six colors.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 10:01:44 GMT

I erased this post because I thought it was fucked up. Colors mean nothing when you're colorblind.

I've Returned. Part 2

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 19:11:18 GMT

So yeah, I'm not so sure where I left off, and I'm too much of a lazy ass to go and look. So... Let's see here. I think I was talking about meeting Ashleen. Maybe? Whatever. Well, I think I should go into how I have changed as a person. Because, I feel like I have. I feel like I have changed for the better. I wanted to be a better, and nicer person in general, and I think I've accomplished that. I will continue to do that. I kind of consider this all to be New Years resolutions for 2010 that I started early. Another thing I have decided to completely cut out from my life is hate. I used to hate a lot of people and things. I just don't have the energy for that anymore, nor do I even personally think it's right for me to hate anyone as an individual, because of the actual hatred I kind of had for myself. There's no need for any of that. If I hated someone before, they just won't get my time of day today. They don't deserve it, and I don't feel like expending myself for people who don't matter. I've instead taken that energy to tend to my friends and make friendships much stronger. Friends are number one to me. I don't have anyone else, especially with Brandie apparently not wanting to talk to me anymore, and I refuse to take the relationships I have with individuals for granted. I don't want to lose anyone else anymore. As for another aspect of my life... If I can't get a grip on this whole money situation, the situation with my heart, and completely uproot Dana from my mind, then I fucking quit. Yup. I gave myself one year to improve. I'd say I'm doing pretty well of fulfilling certain things thus far, but I honestly don't have much faith in myself. It only takes one thing moderately bad to tip me back into a depression. And so my cycle continues.
But, to be fair to myself, I've surprised myself quite a bit. I knew back in Washington that I was ready to come back here and start over, but I didn't think I'd jump right into everything head first. I never knew I could handle things and accept them so well. I was very spiteful feeling and vengeful towards Dana, but I'm not anymore. No hate. I don't believe that people who do wrong will always "get theirs", but I'm okay with that. She can keep my stuff, keep everything that she's done to me, and I hope she has a nice life. Materials are replaceable, and it's not worth the energy to worry about something I have virtually no control over. Another thing I've learned through that experience is to accept defeat gracefully. Before, when it came to losing... "life battles" (per-say) it would consume me. I would not take it very well. I'd dwell on it for days and days where it would literally get me no where. Fuck that. I'd say I'm off to a good start considering the black abyss I came out of. I just hope that I can mentally keep my head above water. I think that ends up hurting me more than anything.

I've returned. Part 1

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 08:55:01 GMT

The last day I wrote in this was the day before Thanksgiving. Since then, I've returned to Florida. My home. As much as I don't like this state, this is my home. My friends are here. My life is here. Lesson learned. I wasn't ready to move on before. Well, I was. But Dana wasn't ready to move on with me. That makes all the difference. Luckily I have a lifeline here. Luckily I'm back. I thank my lucky stars for that. The early morning that I left Oak Harbor, Washington was probably one of the worst. I had to look the woman in the eyes who back stabbed me, took my life, and my dignity. It was quiet. Surprisingly, she drove me to the airport the day she got back. I guess she couldn't deal with having to be around the same person she had completely fucked over. No worries. I couldn't choke down the heart break, either. We didn't speak the whole 2 hours and 15 minutes it took to drive from Oak Harbor to Seattle. Maybe that was for the best. I would have lost it in just about every manner. I gave myself to her in every way, shape, and form for 4 years. She misused my love and trust... as so the story goes, right? I ended up getting groped at the gate to enter the plane, but once that plane took off at 6:15 am, there was no looking back. Nope. Not for me. I don't plan on riding in a plane for a long, long time after that bullshit. Worst seats ever. They left my back and ass hurting for the next 3 days. Not to mention that I left Oak Harbor at 6:15am and landed in Jax at 7:15pm. Since I've been back, things have been amazing. I have been welcomed with open arms by friends old and new. That means more to me than anything else. In Washington, I had no one. Here, I have everyone. I have been pretty happy for the most part. At the airport in Jax, I was picked up by Sierra. I haven't seen her in a couple years. That was so exciting! Then we went to Taco Bell, and I ate fast food for the first time in 8 months! Crazy shit! Then afterwards, we went to the beach and just talked and shivered in the cold. Afterwards, we proceeded to go to her mom's house where I spent the night. The next day, I went to Jeni & Del's house for Thanksgiving where Jeni made everything from scratch. Best ever! I was so surprised to see how big Sofia had gotten. The last time I saw her, she couldn't even walk... let alone barely hold her own head up. Now, she can walk, talk, say her numbers one through ten in English and Spanish! That little girl is amazing! Anyways, later that night, Jeni took me to the apartments where I met up with Chris. If it weren't for that man, I would be walking the street again. So yeah, I fucking owe him. Big time... I gave him a hug when we got inside and I just dropped my shit on the floor. We were about to watch House on the tv, but I passed out not even ten minutes into it. I think the next day was when I met Ashleen. Ashleen is the savior of sorts. She has done so much and she doesn't even blink an eye. I can literally say that I admire and adore her. She's done everything for me, even stood up for my ass. She has two sides to her. One is very quiet and deep in thought, while the other is... hmm.. fiery and very social.

Okay, part two later. Sleep now.

Can you break the code?

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 08:44:26 GMT

I'm coming back home in about 18 hours. Finally the end to this terrible fucking saga. Now, I have other things to worry about. At least I'll have some support and friends.

Put me to sleep

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:56:25 GMT

So, today I woke up and had no energy. It feels like the life has been sucked from me. Almost feel "soulless" if that makes sense. It's hard to feel things. I just kind of laid there for a long time. The wind has howled all day, banging up on the screen door. The sun was actually out today. I should have spent more time outside, but I couldn't find the will to get up until about 4 something today. I went to the bathroom, stripped down and turned the hot water all the way on. Then I stood there for a long time. Then I turned on the cold water and got it to a normal temperature. It just didn't phase me. I washed and brushed my teeth then sat down on the toilet with two towels wrapped around me. I sat there until I was completely dry. Then I tied my hair back, put on my jncos and a hoodie then walked outside. At the end of my street there's a small clearing right before a path to the woods starts. I started to walk towards that path. In my vision, I saw a bright gold light beam through the trees and the shrubs. Then the wind picked up right at that moment. It hit my face and seemed to go right through me. For that split second, I felt like everything in my life was perfect. Like that vision and the wind regenerated me for just a second. Then out of no where, a cloud came and blocked out the sun. The wind stopped immediately and I was back to hell again. It seems as if I was almost disappointed by this. But a breeze and a late afternoon sun can't do anything for you. I came inside and just sat here watching the rest of the sun set through the window until there was no more light in the sky.

Fuck't.

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 21:13:24 GMT

So, I'm pretty much fucked now. Yeah. Fucked. Supposedly sometime next month, dana will be buying me a plane ticket back to Jax. As it stands now, I'd have no place to stay. I did, but she fucked around with the situation for so long that now that my only option for a place to stay just moved out of his apt and moved in with a friend. Not that that's bad. Much easier on his wallet. It just kind of eliminates my only option. And unlike most people, I don't have a mommy and daddy to fall back on. So, I'll be roaming around again, I guess. On top of all that, she is now saying that she won't pay to ship my shit back like she said she would. I knew I shouldn't have trusted her. She told me to find a way or ask someone - knowing damn good and well that I don't have anyone that I could ask for help. What type of shit is this? So, it looks like I'm losing all of my shit and will be without a place for awhile. Shit is not getting any easier and this time it appears that I'm completely fucked once again. Isn't life fuckin' wonderful? Now do people understand why I want to quit 90% of the time? It's an uphill battle and I'm absolutely sick of it. Just plain sick of it.

Level 3

visigothicreign@yahoo.com — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:45:35 GMT

It's fairly hard trying to start up again on one of these. It's even harder after I put so much time and effort into my old GJ. That's okay, though. The style I've laid it out for it kind of incorporates my old greatestjournal, and my even older deadjournal. I've infused that with my personal 2009 theme. I think the easiest way to start this off will be an overview of a few random things.

To be honest, last year was the best year of my life. I had more fun than one can ever imagine. I was almost nearly worry free, money was great, and most importantly, I was happy. Even with Dana gone most of the time, times were great. I had loads of fun. I loved the nights I'd chill with Jen at Denny's at 2am, the parties, hanging out with Russ, Chris, Marc, Wrestlemania, etc. Then it came time to move in september. Things were fine, and then at the end of April this year, everything went to shit right before my eyes. My relationship with her dissolved such as acid would probably burn through your skin. And it hurt so many times more than that. Too many rough details there, but to make it short, I never expected her to do what she did. Sitting and laying on a couch for months wasting away isn't in anyone's best interest. I'm sort of happy that I lost all that weight, though. I went from 265 to 204 from May to now this year. I think I've gotten over most of it - the pain, suffering, and hurt. I'm different now. This set something off in me, and I'm not the same person I was. How do you tell people that without them asking "how"??? I'm not even sure when I am getting back home or how things will be when i get there. I've been in seclusion for 5 1/2 months. Literal seclusion. It's depressing sometimes. But I handle it as well as I do because solitude is nice. I plan on going back stronger, better, faster, etc. I wish I could make 2008 happen again. That was the epitome of great times in my life. Out of nowhere, so many people I used to talk to a few years ago are finding me online and talking to me. It's pretty crazy. All good people. At least I know when I go back home, I won't be lonely or anything like that. I just hate starting over all of the time and being abandoned by the people I give most of my heart to. It makes me feel like a damn fool. But, we live and we learn, I suppose. I just want my life peaceful and fun. Just like last year. Nothing complex. I'd pray if I thought it would work.