5/4/12 04:39 pm - Break up
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As of today Taikichan, Vicky, and I a broke up. Terrible timing too. What had started this was a dream I had about a black snake biting my left hand in between my thumb and index finger. It did talk to me without talking, but I can't recall what it said. And I felt like I knew this snake and it knew me.
And as of late she had gotten quiet again so I texted her asking if anything was wrong since she had been so quiet. After a few hours she replied stated there was. And small talk that wasn't important followed until she wanted to state what the issue was. This is how the conversation went.
Vicky: So...I've been thinking and I'm pretty pissed off. When I was going to Sakura Con before I got sick, it was a trip to see you and we just happen to be going together. But this trip...It's like the con is more important to. You haven't even invited me to go with you, I mean, it's like we could spend the weekend together and I'm just an after thought. I'm only 15 mins away and it's really not sitting right with me.
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(I hadn't even realized she felt like this. Or that she wanted to go. I mainly didn't ask cause I didn't know her work times and thought it would be pushy to ask.)
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Me:I don't mean to make it seem that way at all. I'm super sorry I've been making you feel like that!!!! I sometimes have issues balancing on what I'm excited for. Despite how it does seem you are always my first thought. All the plans to see you have been over the con.
Vicky: To be honest, I've felt like this about a lot of things lately. I've been working my ass off trying to get my life together and I'm getting too old to keep waiting around for you to do the same. You seem to care more about anime and online and games than trying to get a job and stuff so we can like be...Be together. This is really really hard for me to say, and I really don't want to hurt you but... I just haven't been happy lately. I know I'm echoing your parents about the job and stuff and the last thing I want to do is make you feel how they do, but I have to think about myself sometimes too. I feel like I've changed a lot in the last 2 years, and I'm not the same person I was before. We don't even have much in common anymore besides sailor moon. And even there we have difference in opinions."
Me: I haven't really been that focused on anime or game stuff as of late. This move has been a real wake up call for me. I may not always say it online, but I am looking for a job, it's just a matter of finding one. But if it makes you happier be free to break up with me since I'm clearly not enough. Just send the key chain back.
Vicky: "I'm sorry. I really don't want to hurt you. I just feel like we're not on the same wavelength anymore. You're still a beautiful and sweet girl, we're just at different places in our lives right now, I hope you can understand this is not out of malice or to purposely hurt you. I've put at lot of thought into this. I just need to concentrate on other stuff right now too. My upcoming 30th birthday has been a wake up call to me as well. I need to get my own shit together and I only have so much emotional strength. I hope you can find someone who is a better position to take care of you, because I simply can't right now. I think it will be better fo both of us."
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While I can understand why she chose to do this it really is poorly timed. And not fair on my end since I was making an effort to meet her and was even moving down there. I am also a little pissed she assumed some of this stuff about me instead of asking. Hato arranged this trip in the first place so Vicky and I could meet. And the con was just something for her and I to do that she paid for. Is it really so wrong for me to get excited about meeting some movie actors and an author I've admired since I was a child? I only stated mire con related stuff cause I have an Aunt and a friend of my that are against homosexual relationships that's why to an extent I don't mention her too much on there.
I was always excited to meet her those celebrates were just a bonus. While anime is a hobby of mine I really don't focus that much on it as much as I did say like in high school. Sure I spend my free time online or gaming so what? I don't let the games consume me unless it happens to be something I like, like Batman. WoW is more of just a way to hang out with Hato as I see it. And I happen to like the story.
You don't see me complaining when she talks about Zuka stuff anymore.
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Letters that happened yesterday:
I ended up writing a farewell message to her. Stating things that had been bothering me about our relationship that I kept away form her cause I didn't want to cause her to have a panic attack or cause a fight. Since I have deleted her from my friends list I am free to post this as I please. This is what I stated to here since some of you are probably curious. I honestly doubt she'll even read it, but they were things I felt need to be addressed. And yes some it is a little angry toned, but Hato suggested last night that I do this to get it off my chest. And to close things off a lot better even if it is a bit bitter this way.
I am by no means trying to make her feel guilty either. Just trying to make some things she misunderstood a lot clearer. And things I had truly felt. And figures that I ended up crying all over again when writing it.
"Dear Vicky,
You know I've been doing some thinking of my own now that I've calmed down some what. You could have easily approached me with all of your issues a lot earlier. Or even when you were first starting to become unhappy. It's called talking things out something we use to do. But you practically gave me no choice, but to have us break up.
Heather was the one that invited me to go down there to the con in the first place even paying for the hotel and my ticket despite my offer to pay for it myself. Hell I didn't even want to go till she told me the location. You were the reason for me wanting to go in the first place. We were still even trying to figure out a way how to even get to Scottsdale and were going to spend more time with you than at the con.
I didn't even know your working hours and you didn't even show interest in the con. So I didn't ask not wanting to seem pushy.
Honestly it also pissed me off you assumed that I cared more about anime and games than getting a job. While I do admit to being lazy at first to getting one the trip to Arizona and the move there is really motivating me too. And it was because I wanted to be with you. But apparently I wasn't trying enough in your eyes.
Also you seem to forget we still do have some things in common besides Sailor Moon! But I'm not going to bother naming them cause you clearing don't remember them well enough. And another thing you seem to think I don't understand stuff when I'm more understanding than you clearly realize. You make me feel like a child when you say that shit. And I hate it.
I kept a lot of things that hurt me and pissed me off that you have done before to myself. Cause I didn't want to start a fight or give you a panic attack. The times you were silent made me worry and paranoid because of all the shit my sister and mom have been saying lately. I defended you so hard when they said that crap!
I often mentally fought with myself cause of that. My heart told me to trust you while my mind would say that they were right. Or worst that maybe you had found someone else. That part plagued me in nightmares.
With how all these issues you had with me all of the sudden is that seriously it? That you found someone local you liked and I was just in the way? You said it wasn't to mean, but it honestly made it seem like you really did find someone else or that I've just been some burden to you.
I felt this needed to be said before it ate away at me. It's a shame this had to end so bitterly with how dear you were to me.
Farewell,
Bonnie"
Her reply:
"I didn't approach you a lot earlier because I was scared to hurt you, so I pretended like everything was fine since I didn't know how to approach you. Simple as that.
Whether Heather invited you or not... you could have still invited me whether I showed interest or not... And if I was the real reason for that, I would think you would have. Scottsdale is not that far away. You told me you were going to "stop by work" one day and see me and that's all I knew of it.
Honestly, its been over 2 years... and when we started dating you were at least finishing up school, but now... it doesn't seem like you do anything. You never told me about jobs you applied for, or days you went out looking.
Sorry if you feel like I'm talking down to you or making you feel like a child, but really, I'm starting to feel the age difference, which is why I say we aren't on the same wavelength anymore. There are just some things we're obviously not seeing eye to eye on. And no, I don't remember other things we have in common.
You shouldn't have kept things I've done that pissed you off to yourself. If you're scared to talk to me, and I'm scared to talk to you, that just doesn't work. I really have changed a lot, especially since moving to AZ and getting on medication and getting healthier and rediscovering who I really am after being controlled from my previous relationship before you, that I just don't think we're compatible anymore and I have other priorities I'd rather concentrate on than a relationship that I'm unhappy with.
None of the issues I'm having are sudden. There are all things that have been building up and I had to get them out or it was just going to be worse for you and me. I'm really sorry I did that to you, but keeping you in the dark would have just made things worse.
I haven't found anyone else and I've never cheated on you. I just want to be alone right now. I'm sorry you're feeling bitter feelings towards me, I guess I deserve that. But I just want you to know I don't have any towards you and still care about you as a friend, I just don't feel we're destined for romance anymore. Again, I am sorry I hurt you, but I just need to do what's best for me. And this right now is what's best for me. I hope you can understand that.
I don't expect you to respond to this, in fact, I'd rather you didn't since it would just be beating a dead horse, I just hope this can give you a bit better understanding why I felt I had to end our relationship."
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Sadly I think this shows how much she didn't really know me after all. And makes it more suspious that she may have found someone. And some things she stated in the whole break up bs kinda sounded odd too. Especially the Sailor Moon thing.
