| Fanfic: An Intergalactic Orgy |
[Jun. 2nd, 2007|02:23 pm] |
For ![[info]](https://www.scribbld.com/img/userinfo.gif) threthiel9. A kind of R-rated 'Heroes'/'Doctor Who'/'Pirates of the Caribbean' crossover, which I may be going to a very special Hell for. O____O
~
Purgatory was, Captain Jack Sparrow decided, a damn sight more fun than the legends would have you believe.
Then again, the legends had never mentioned a strange blue box that appeared without warning and flew you away, so maybe he had just taken a wrong turning in Death’s realm and ended up in the land of the bizarre.
He liked bizarre.
“You do this a lot, mate?” he asked the man who had introduced himself as the Doctor. A handsome man, in a skinny kind of way -- he was all bones, Jack had found, and especially where it counted.
“Ah, only during the week,” said the Doctor a little breathlessly. “I have to be child-friendly on Saturdays.”
“D’you always use this much ice-cream?”
“That was my idea,” grunted Sylar, who had threatened to eat all their brains if he didn’t get to go on top.
“He suggested the handcuffs as well,” explained the Doctor. “Though -- Sylar -- wouldn’t it have been easier to just wear them on my wrists? They’re starting to chafe my…”
“You buggered many famous people, I mean?” Jack clarified, pumping harder.
“Don’t get him started,” said Martha dryly. She was sitting off to the side a little, arms crossed and watching them. “We’ll be here for hours. The Doctor has more notches than he has bedpost.”
“I’ve slept with most of the population of space and time,” said the Doctor, “men, women, undefinables and Twinkies. Not to mention quite a few who live out of it. And it’s hard to sex in five dimensions.”
“You haven’t slept with me,” pointed out Martha.
“I’m working up to it,” said the Doctor, his reasonable tone rather spoiled by a long moan. “You can join in now, if you like.”
Jack caught a brief glimpse of Martha shaking her head. “I told you, I’m not joining in with one of your intergalactic orgies unless you all wear condoms. There’s no knowing what alien diseases could spread. Besides, Jack looks like he has herpes.”
“I assure you, love, I carry only the highest quality in STDs,” Jack said happily. That prompted a slightly muffled laugh from Sylar, who had his mouth full.
The Doctor wasn’t giving up the chance to show off. “Name someone, anyone, any time and place.”
“Moses,” said Jack.
“Tomcat in the sack,” said the Doctor.
“Peter Petrelli,” mumbled Sylar.
“Compensating,” said the Doctor smugly.
“Richard the Third.”
“Lasted three seconds.”
“Oscar Wilde.”
“Couldn’t walk for a week.”
“Queen Elizabeth.”
“Ah. She was a little annoyed when I said the TARDIS did it better. Still hasn’t forgiven me.”
Sylar surfaced briefly to demand: “Do all pirates taste like fish?” He hadn't joined in with much of the conversation, but his attention to detail was amazing.
Jack considered this. “No idea, mate, though Commodores do.”
“Blackbeard tasted like sardines,” the Doctor mused.
On this rather odd cue, three sets of fireworks began spinning in three sets of guts, and a rather alarmed Martha had to duck backwards to avoid the spray.
Definitely more fun than Purgatory.
~
Con crit, screaming, rotten fruit?
*runs away to wash hands* |
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