Current mood:

frustrated

WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY!!! to slit your throat.
Took me a while to fall asleep because no matter how I turned my pillow, it was soaked in tears. I can't sit here and act like things are ok anymore. I can't convince myself anymore that they WILL be because they never will be. I can't even sit here and THINK about him anymore without crying. I used to be a lot stronger than this. The older I get, the more afraid I get to be in relationships, to start new and date again. This whole fucking thing is sour to me.

He can do nice things all he wants but behind all of his words and actions I will always see the man who really hurt me. I put everything on the table for him. EVERYTHING. I ripped my heart out of my chest and GAVE it to him, and he really fucking stabbed me in the back.

My eyes are BURNING with emotions that are pouring out in the form of tears.

I want to love and be loved again, but not with or by him. I just can't anymore. I really want someone i don't have to worry about. Someone who's friends I don't have to worry about getting the person I am dating to cheat on me or do stupid shit. Someone who has friends who are really nice, understanding...not a complete roster of jackoffs.

I don't know what happened to Deus but I really fucking miss him. We would talk on the phone for 4 hours when he'd call once every 2-4 weeks. He would tell me about all the things he'd do for me and how much he liked me and it was real. Then he dissapeared. I wish I could talk to him again, I know i'd have a good relationship with him.

Vince sounds like an asshole to me over the phone when he's not drunk. He's really sweet when he is drunk but when he is sober he sounds like he doesnt give a fuck. Matt is just my friend and James, I can't take seriously simple because he isn't even anywhere NEAR me. He says the nicest things, he's handsome and sweet but he is too far for me to really even put any thought into anything with him.

I'm lonely. I'm tired of being this way and going back to him BECAUSE im lonely. I miss having someone there, holding someone, kissing someone, knowing that I have someone to go to but im tired of it being HIM. He doesn't deserve it and im making things worse with us by even giving him the time of day because i just cant get over the past with him. My head hurts, my eyes are sandy, and my heart weighs heavy on my chest.

As much as I love him, he reallyy after the first time he fucked up, never deserved anymore of my time, affection, love, attention, anything but because i loved him regardless of what he did and his flaws I still went to him. I just wish i neevr even met him at all. I could have done without all of this heartache. How am i STILL crying over some jerk like this? He isn't even worth my thoughts.

The bottom line is I will always be second best to all of his friends. I will NEVER be defended by him. I will NEVER be looked at as his friend like he looks at his FRIENDS as such yet I loved him, I cared about him, his family, his life, his LIFESTYLE. I did things for him like his friends, I was there for him, I always heeded his every call yet for some reason I am not on the same level as his friends. He cant even CALL me one...whenever its a battle between me and his friends he ALWAYS chooses them and maybe thats when i should have left the relationship when we dated because I always thought it was fucked up how he did that and if he loved me he'd have my back too and defend me once in a while.
What's even MORE fucked up is he will admit he fucked up and that he's wrong but he never does anything to fix it or make it better. He even sided with the girls he cheated on me with over me....that really hurt.....And i dont ever expect him to ever understand what i see when i look at him or how i feel because of that shit because i neevr did anything like that to him but let me just tell you ALL that i would rather have been physically killed then to have gone through that and really have reality slap me in the face with where he places me compared to everyone else and yet foolishly because i loved him i still cared and stayed with him....look at me now.... it was all for nothing, it has always BEEN for nothing.

To his friends im just some bitch who brings him down and makes him unhappy and doesn't care and blah blah but they have NO idea how we were before he got deeply involved with them and other girls and shit. They have NO IDEA what he did to me and how he belittled be and made me feel. I am the bad guy and I guess as his friends they are naturally gonna have his back but it just sucks that they look at me that way when he did me wrong for so long and i NEVER did anything to him. I will never unerstand how i never got the same love and respect from my own boyfriend than his friends got from him.

Comments are disabled because I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't want people to comment about it, it's too personal and im sensative about this subject.