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[22 May 2007|10:22pm] |
There are very few milestones in a person's life. The day they're married. The day they land their first real job. The day their child is born. And the day they graduate from college. Well, those that attempt college anyway. Two days ago, I achieved the latter. The `big graduation.` I never really understood what the big deal was about graduation. I mean it just means that it's time to go out into the `real world` and get a `real job`, work ungodly hours for meager pay for a dickhead boss and be cooped up in a cubicle. Sounds like a blast. Some people don't really mind this though. They're excited. They're willing to sacrifice anything to go out there and make something of themselves.
But it depresses me. Sure, my parents say that I could take as long as I want off -- a year, two years, travel the world all expenses paid. But I know that eventually, I'll end up the same place I started from. Right here. I've already spent close to six months not doing anything. Just sitting here, getting fat off my mother's constant unhealthy grocery shopping. I even stopped my workout regiment because I realized that, well, I just fucking hate working out no matter how much development I saw. And they're quick to push me into Grad School to get my masters, too. They tell everyone that I'm planning on attending somewhere or other in the Fall/Winter. I'm not.
After five long years I achieved a bachelor's degree in marketing. Marketing because Accounting Studies was too hard. Marketing was a default. It was a spur of the moment thing because I was standing there at my high school graduation wondering what the hell I wanted to do with my life. I can't tell you how much I hate business. I've never been too gung-ho about it. I mean, all I've ever been able to get in the dozen or so marketing-related classes I took was no more than a C+. Which is sad, really. I graduated with a 2.53 GPA, 2.50's the expulsion cut-off point. I never was good at anything academically. Come to think about it, there's very little that I'm good at at all.
I'm really running short on support, too. Not that I need it, but it would be appreciated now and again. I could never forget what my dad told me though. ``Do you remember the birds that built the nest in our tree outside? When the babies were hatched, what'd they do? They grew feathers and they flew away. You've just grown your feathers. It's up to you to decide which direction you want to fly in. And if one of those birds fly over water and there's no branch to land on? Then it drowns. I'll be your branch for as long as you need because I don't want to see you drown. Just be wise in your decision when you choose your direction.`` That's fucking deep, albeit being twenty two years old and compared to a baby bird.
I don't want to end up in some job I hate doing. I wanna act. Unfortunately I was never able to do anything theater-wise [aside from classes] at school because business classes were hard enough. I probably never would've graduated if I joined the drama club, anime club, comic book club, videogame club, varsity soccer team, environmental awareness club, and Marketing Association like I originally planned to do. But I'm over that because I most likely would've ended up killing myself -- with the workload, that is. Although an A.J Soprano-esque botched suicide attempt really being a `cry for help` on my part isn't looking so bad right about now .. I fucking hate academic overachievers.
Just give me a script and put a camera in front of my face, I'm ready for my close up. Hell, not even that -- I'm willing to do community theater if it meant just getting the experience. I don't know why the fuck I'm relying on others to get anywhere. Rhonda's friend, Cheryl -- I've given her two months already and I'm still not anywhere with her. How fucking hard could it be to get in contact with the OLTL producer already!?! And Frankie's not doing his movie until November, his friend's not starting `Backtrack` until August, and I'm NOT waiting another couple months for a couple independent films. Not even a solid role, but I have to actually audition. And it's through Nalini, too! Ugh. That's aggravating.
I guess that's the reality of things. I never really expected to land the role of a lifetime and be set for the rest of my life, being thrown offers left and right. Then again, I never really expected not to. I just don't really know where I am right now. Acting's been my dream since I was sixteen years old. I'm not gonna lie like most people and say `this is what I wanted to do my entire life` because the first thing any little boy wants to be is an astronaut and little girls wanna be princess' [though some still think they can be.] I put it on hold for a while so I could have something to fall back on. And that's done with. Finally.
I just don't know what to do next.
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