__rising_star @ 2007-02-16T22:14:00

2008-01-11T03:15:41Z

I been meaning to write down this one for a while, but the words just never came to me. Bits and pieces, sure, but nothing to sound coherent enough. I guess it still doesn't, but the only way to find out is to just let it out, so ..

Her name's Sherry. And she broke my heart. But I don't want to sound like some grieving old widow when I say that, which is why I never used that exact phrase. But what else can you say? A year didn't mean anything to her. Neither did a couple dates, and me calling her every other night, especially when I was in GA and it was hard as hell to make a phone call because Jay and Emma's house was crowded with consistent visitors, so I had to go out to my truck to call her. Though I guess, now that I had a lot of time to think about it, it's my fault too. During the whole year, I wasn't very committal. I played it Bruce Wayne-style, subconsciously. But I was afraid of taking our relationship to the next level, and then moving, far, far away from her ..

See? I told you it wasn't going to be coherent. I didn't even get into what happened between us. Okay, so it was after we got back from GA and Canada, auntie Ionese invited us to this Guyanese Day Carnival that was at some park in Queens. This was a pretty big weekend, because the Saturday evening before, me and my cousin Rhonda went on a double date to Coney Island. Rhon was with her boyfriend, Richard, and Richard and Sherry are cousins [I met her through him.] And as I attempted to get closer to her during the moments I stole alone with her, I noticed she wasn't going the other 50% of the way [or according to Hitch, she comes 90, I come 10. Though that didn't happen either.] Anyway, I brushed it off and enjoyed the rest of the night.

Harmless, right? Until I discovered why she was being so reserved. Fast forward to the Carnival. When we were arriving, I was so hopeful because I knew I'd get to see her again. Maybe I'd be able to tell her how I feel, you know? So when we finally reached, I waited about two hours. Sherry shows up with her mom. My heart skips a beat, as gay as that sounds. I remember it doing so, too. She looked amazing. That's the thing about her, we may not have much in common, like she doesn't watch the same TV shows as I do, doesn't like the same [Hollywood] movies as I do .. but she's gorgeous. Dad often compares her to Amrita Rao, and no one can deny that resemblance [which is why I don't like watching Amrita's movies]

It wasn't long until the relationship turned sour. That's when she got a phone call, from a ` friend,` she said. So her and I went to go and wait in the parking lot for her `friend` to show up. And he did, with two of his friends. So, I'm like, `That's cool. She has her friends, I have friends too.` And her `friend` didn't really turn out to be such a bad guy. We talked about Schenectady and `The Great Coolie Migration` for a minute, before they walked off altogether and I decided to sit that one out. I trailed behind them for a bit, said I'll catch up. I knew something was up. After paying Neo a visit at the truck since he was bored, I went to go find them again.

They were hovering around my camp, since her mom was part of the oversized entourage. Upon seeing that tall, lanky stringbean of a guy she called her `friend,` questions arose. My mom asked me if that was her boyfriend, Rhonda asked me the same thing. I grew irritated, dejected even, so Damu [family friend, could call him a cousin. Him and his brother and sister used to babysit me back in Guyana. Mostly him though. Now it's I that can carry him. How's that for irony?] offers me a Corona. Shamelessly, I pulled the cap off with Herculean strength and stood right near Sherry to take a big swig. She looked horrified that I was drinking, and to me alone, she asked if it was a habit of mine. So playing it cool in a very James Dean fashion, I shrugged my shoulders and didn't reply to her with a single word.

But I couldn't keep that up for long. Her and I were talking again, and I gave her and her `friend` ample space. So then she pulls me aside. She tells me that that's not her `friend,` but a `guy she was seeing.` Her boyfriend. I broke down in tears. .. On the inside! On the outside, I shrugged it off, and very non-confrontationally, said ``That's cool.`` And she asked if I was mad. The nerve! Of course I was mad! I already planned my entire life out with her! Married when she's done with med school, start on crankin' out babies right away, mooch off her like Kevin Federline, and maybe buy an island or two. Okay, not really. But I think I might've fallen for her. Up until then, that is.

After the Carnival, my parents treated Rhonda's parents, Richard's dad, and Sherry and her mom out to dinner. Guess where I had to sit? Yeah. You could guess it was damn awkward. I could tell she was uncomfortable too, since after she told me about the guy, I started to keep my distance. Dinner ended quick and we were driving back to Rhonda's, Sherry said to keep in touch. Did I? No. Auntie Ionese keeps reminding me she's stupid for doing what she did to me. Lead me on, turned me into `the other guy.`

Regardless, my parents still adore her. They keep encouraging me to see her again. So one night, my mom kept telling me over and over to call her, to clear the air. So I do. Mom was right there making sure I spoke to her, too! I guess she was being that way because of the way I was the days after we got back. Hollow. Empty. It was around 7pm when I called. She answered, and we talked for a little. VERY little, since I didn't have anything to say, but she kept apologizing. But at least I showed my mom that I could've handled the situation like a man. I didn't piss and moan. Mom leaves, and Sherry tells me to call back in an hour because she's going to take a shower.

I call back, and who answers? Her mom. My God. That was excruciating. ``Sherry has a lot of friends, Saif.`` Translation? `Sherry's kind of a slut, Saif.` Okay, she isn't. She's a good girl. But she looked like a whore in front of my entire family. She gets on the phone again, and we didn't get off until 6am. That's an eleven hour phone call. Naturally I think that everything's alright. But everything was different after that. I kept harboring these ill-feelings. And a couple weeks ago, after months of no communication whatsoever [no text messages, no phone calls, no visiting -- I was supposed to spend New Years Eve in Manhattan with her, but I decided against it], she calls me. And I come to find out her boyfriend cheated on her. And you know what I did? Shrugged it off and hung up.

But I don't hate her. That doesn't mean that I entirely forgive her, but as gorgeous as she is, I don't want her. And for a long time I thought about why I felt the way I did. Couldn't be money, since her and her mom `lacked sufficient funds` and lived alone in a one bedroom apartment. And, well, I have money. So the poor girl/.. financially sound guy thing never even factored into it. So then I thought that it might've been because we have barely anything in common. But that's not a big deal, really. So then I thought, what if I think she might not be pretty enough? But looks mean nothing to me. Seriously. Personality > Looks. That, and, well, she's a knockout.

Then I came to the conclusion that I'm cursed. That has to be it. Drita, Yvonne [EVERYONE knew about Yvonne], Brittany, Rani. Rani was actually a sure thing in a way, because her friends wanted me to take her to prom, and my friends tried to set it up, too, so I could get over Yvonne. Unfortunately, I was too hooked, and I passed Rani up. And she was beautiful. But I let her go as easily as I let Sherry go. And since then, I noticed something else. Only the chick I'm not interested in are attracted to me. And the chicks I am interested in? One of two things, either they don't return the favor, or they turn out to be huge skanks [like Michelle, Karen, .. Brittany. etc] and I lose interest.

But you know what? I believe in fate. I believe everything happens for a reason. And sure, that might mean that there's no free will, but that whole bit is widely open for interpretation, I'm sure someone could spin something about there actually being freedom in there. << That's besides the point. Anyway, I think that all those other girls? They're just stepping stones. Just distractions. Holding me back from who I'm meant to be with. So when the smoke clears, she'll be standing there. She'll be perfect. And she'll be mine.