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Sunday, March 16th, 2008
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7:43p - forgotten boy, abandoned creation
Today I feel like shit again. A worthless piece of shit, to be honest. I wonder if I can even make it in this world. Being such a weak little creature. Always messing things up. And alters making things even more difficult because I can't stand the internal arguments, and sometimes I'm too tired to fight back when someone wants to hurt the body.
It's all just a hopeless mess.
And nobody can take DID from me, to lift the weight even just for a while, I have people I love but I do not feel worthy of their attention, and am afraid that in reality I mean nothing to them. That I'm just a second choice, like I have always been. Relationship and friend wise. If not a second choice, then at least arrogantly taken advantage of, had loads of shit poured all over me and expected to just grin and bear it.
If that is the case, then I hate me, and my life.
And school? I still feel terrible about it, but I guess I've got to do something before I leave this hellhole. If I can even leave. I feel so miserable thinking about me. It seems like future is just a gloomy dark space in the horizon. Summer's coming but it doesn't console me much.
I wish I just had time to do things on my own pace. I wish I always didn't feel so inferior and like a freak of nature with all my alters and the constant chattering inside my head. Like I was a frickin radio or something, always making noise. Only in this case it bothers just me. If everybody else heard it, too, I wouldn't feel so alone.
I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I know Cassie wants to cut but I will keep fighting. I'm tired of it. I see no progress, I see no future.. At least not today. Wonder if this is typical for DID?
That's all from me today. Have a good night folks.. Hope at least someone has one.
Lyra
current mood:  depressed
current music: Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger (2 comments |comment on this)
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