.x. Full moon in the dirty sky .x.

- o7 -

13igbangbaby@gmail.com — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 23:30:18 GMT

I've been gone for far too long
But it's NOT like things have changed..

I know I can't change my past, but I can't promise my future will be any better

- o6 -

13igbangbaby@gmail.com — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 11:19:48 GMT

Sometimes I just want escape this earthly prison and break out of this sad life I am forced to live. It's NOT worth the struggle anymore. I can't be myself without someone telling me I'm wrong. And if I can't be ME then why bother being anything at all?

-o5-

13igbangbaby@gmail.com — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 16:08:55 GMT

Being hung-over is the perfect time to express my inner demons, but it's bad when words are jumbled inside my aching head. The painkillers help. Alot! I want to crawl back into bed and enjoy my high, talk to my girlfriend and try to stay positive. HA!! In theory it;s a good plan, only problem is, I'll >never accomplish it. I am just too moody. But I'll survive the day either way...

-o4-

13igbangbaby@gmail.com — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 04:33:49 GMT

I promised myself a change. So I did it!
Now can I continue with what I've started without falling flat on my face? Only time can tell

Being with her(Carol-ann), wasn't the direction I wanted to take. But forced into this situation... I know I did right. I'm just afraid in the end, will we be able to make it work? Failed so many time before, whats to say this will be any different? I refuse to give-up on the only thing that makes sense to me, but the fear of ending up alone keeps my belief in our love hard to hold onto. But I will do my best regardless...

-o3-

13igbangbaby@gmail.com — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 18:32:34 GMT

When the need to be morbid takes hold of me thats when the gloves come off. NOT sure what I want too say anymore, being just a means for sex is becoming mind numbing and my feelings are lacking in presentation. I want out! But I don't know if I can. The sex with him(James) is great, I'd love to keep it around, but there's only so much of nothing I can hang onto. Mydecision too stop my mediction isn't working and I feel I need too start them again, before things get too out of control and I do something stupid I might regret later. Though the best things can be accomplished in ~~my time of need~~the spur of a moment. Admitting defeat in this case won't mean I'm weak, just means I could no longer hold onto what wasn't meant to be.

I don't know what my intentions are yet, if I ever know> I jus feel I can no longer go on with this charade. There's got to be a change and it starts with me

-02-

13igbangbaby@gmail.com — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 15:43:12 GMT

I don't know how I want too go about writing in this journal. Despite needing an outlet to rant into, other than complaining about my day(s)...

I woke-up early this morning, curled up in his(James) arms feeling warm and safe. But it's just an illusion. Because that's all it'' ever be. Me in the wrapped in the arms of someone in-love with another. Such is my life. Always searching for the one who never loves me back. Such a strong word, but full of so many emotions. This isn't love. I don't claim it too be. I'm just tired of being alone.

She is gone. So who do I have too turn too. The one I do turn too leaves me still wanting more. Am I NOT satisfied? Or is it just NOT what I'm looking for? I can't pretend there aren't feelings involved. Maybe too soon. But how can I have feelings when you don't feel the same. I'm NOT one too be made a fool of, but I'm being foolish. And I'm NOT proud of it. Too soon did I fall?. Too soon I gave into desire. But too late now. I either accept it or try and walk away

-o1-

13igbangbaby@gmail.com — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 01:25:31 GMT

Decided to start - over... again I most likely wont update this much seeing as I already have two other journals I write in alot. But it couldn't hurt too have back -up. RIGHT?

I honestly don't know where too begin... I spent all day being hung -over, now I'm alive again withoutshame. I want all this to make sense, but sense is something I've lost through all my neglect. ~~I realize I miss her~~I'm trying a new tactic these days. Getting over what I can't have. So far I'm failing, but it's still early. Tomorrow is another day where we don't speak. And I'm okay with tha. Even if I'm NOT... I'll pretend with a smile on my face. What choice do I have?