none of my flights are ever uneventful. never. first, everyone thinks i'm only 15 years old. random old saggy tit ladies want to try and baby me and buy me potato chips or give me some crackers. that'd be kinda cool if they didn't insist on having their hot grandma breath all over my face. but don't worry, i take care of that shit real fast. i give them "tic tacs" more like a random cocktail of meds to knock them the fuck out. old lady breath be no more!!!

i can't stand that shit. i mean, it would be cool if it was actually an advantage. so far, looking younger than i am isn't really getting me anything i want. during the whole flight, i'm kind of freaking out because somehow my high wore off. i'm suffering from something like withdrawal. i'm fucking hallucinating... okay i guess i have some explaining to do. you ever seen the tv show house? he pops pills like crazy. well, i might do the same thing...sometimes. but i ended up giving all my shit to the old ladies to shut them the fuck up.

now i have this fucking itch i can't scratch. i'm literally going insane or something. worse than when i first got introduced to the texas summer heat. but anyway, i'm fucking hallucinating. this only happens when i don't get what i need. i fucking start seeing a shitload of zombies, my life basically turns to dawn of the dead. there is this one zombie though, he's fucking hot. his name is john-pierre. one time, he stood with me during a whole bus ride trying to eat my brains and grab my ass. it was hilarious.

well, i wouldn't mind if it was john-pierre with me on the plane. i actually enjoy his company more than i do most people. however, it wasn't him it was luisa, john-pierre's jealous ex girlfriend. and she had some crazy notion in her undead brain that her darling pierre was having an affair on her. so she kept trying to go mortal kombat on my ass.



everyone was just looking at me like i'm crazy though. but i'm not. i beat her ass. pssh, i'm bruce lee with a vag. i don't give a fuck. she's lucky i didn't throw her rotting ass out the plane. pierre doesn't love her anyway. just sayin'. OH! yeah, so like if you were wondering, what i was doing on a plane, i will tell you. um, i'm going back to new york city. yes, that's my jerusalem, that's my fucking holy land. i've been away for almost two years and it was the worst thing anyone could possibly do to me.

mind you, i've had terrible things done to me. most of it, i did to myself. not to toot my own horn. but yes, new york city, the best place ever. the only thing i have missed more than nyc is riley fucking avery. that is my right-hand. there is nothing we haven't done, nowhere we haven't fucking gone. we had no limits, no boundaries, we were what everybody else was too scared to be. we were free and wild. but i hear she changed, i hear she got "tamed".

to be honest, i think it's just an act. you can't change who you are. you can only hide it. duh, that's why there is so much identity theft and rubber dildos in the world. wait..the last part had nothing to do with the point i thought i was making. anyway, speaking of who we really are. i'm harlow alighieri. yeah, like the dude who wrote dante's inferno. yeah, he wrote it because it was a book before it was a fucking kick ass movie and video game. it was a kick ass book first and foremost. understand, bitch? yeah. you better. i'll spit fire on you. i'm a dragon.

me and riley's sexy ass go way back to when we were in diapers, shaking our asses like shakira does now, (where do you think she got her moves from?) drinking bottles wishing it was whiskey and bitch slapping that purple dinosaur bernardo, bastard, barney? one of those b names. i can't remember. yeah that's right we were bitch slapping his faggot ass. and when our parents dared to ask us what we were doing, we told them we were finger painting on his face. smart asses, bad asses since infancy.

i'm not gonna lie, i think i stopped aging the second they took me away from riley. my growth was stunted, it was ridiculous. i think i turned into a vampire or something. i don't even know. maybe it's just another hallucination. but i don't care. i've missed her with all my black little heart. we use to have the most fun ever, running around naked in the middle of the street for five bucks to win a bet. being chased by the cops every other day of the week. making strippers do the robot for us. filling our mouths up with as much liquor as possible, looking like chipmonks, then spitting fire with our lighters. we use to bungee jump off bridges and rob chinese delivery people. the best part about that was when we did it when we had the munchies. we would be so high, we ran in zig zags and would tackle the chinos and fall all over the bike and army crawl under cars to hide from them. it was pretty cool, it was always a surprise, we never knew what we were gonna end up with, pork fried rice with chicken and broccoli or chicken wings with french fries. either way, it was a win win situation.

i guess, i was gone for so long she tried to change and be someone she's not. but it won't stay like that for long. not with me back in town. and i swear, the second i laid eyes on her, i had bats flapping around in my stomach wildly, psychotically, schizophrenically. because butterflies are for wimpy losers and fags. riley, me and john-pierre are gonna live the fucking life. WANT.TAKE. HAVE. that's how shit goes around here.

LET'S GET THIS FUCKING PARTY STARTED!!! THROW YOUR BRAS UP IN THE AIR BITCHES. imma collect them. please and thank you, have a fucking fan-fucking-tabulous mother fucking day, night, whatever. same shit to me.