Welcome to the Madhouse!

blackrose78 @ 2008-10-21T11:18:00

2008-10-21T18:24:22Z

Ashe- My husband, the man I've been with for almost 5 years. The love of my life. Described by Gary's (see below) ex thing as a "long haired-hippie looking freak" The only daddy Bubba's ever known

Mikey- My oldest child. Bipolar, adhd, Asperger's, spoiled rotten by his grandmother.

Chrissy- My middle child, and only daughter right now. Cute, loyal, little mother of the family. Mommy's little girl, just recently got glasses (10/16/08).

Bubba- My youngest. All boy, rough, rowdy and hell on two feet. AKA Demon Spawn. Friendly, outgoing, talkative. Suspect adhd

BOB- AKA Bitch in/of the Basement, The woman who gave birth to me, Egg-donor. My mother. We do not get along most of the time. Tend towards violet outbursts from time to time. She thinks Mikey is the second coming of Christ, he is an all-perfect little angel, and whosoever takes it upon themselves to discipline him is WRONG.

Christina- My best friend, adopted sister. She's been my best friend since we met when we were sophomores in high school, about a week after my 15th birthday. I love this lady more than any other friend I've ever had

Gary- My best guy friend, adopted little brother. I've known him since he was a frosh and I was a Sr, met him while my high school choir was at a competition. Instant friends. WAS a FWB for a brief time, now is nothing more than my little brother. Love him as much as I do my husband, but differently.

Tammy- My roommate from my Navy school, and another very good friend. I was talking to her on the phone while driving one day, and had to park or something, so I handed the phone to Gary. The rest, as they say, was history. :) They married on 12 October 2007.

**HIM** Co-worker to Ashe whom I have a huge lust for. I have developed an odd obsession with him... you will read a lot about him if you are on my friends. :p

Jamie/J3- My ex-husband, Mikey and Chrissy's bio-dad

Kristy- My former best friend, until I discovered she and my husband (Jamie) were having an affair. They're now married. Surprisingly, I have no hard feelings for them because of it. They're so disgustingly happy, I can't hold it against them! Mother of Chrissy and Mikey's half brother, Corbin

Drew- Bubba's bio-dad. I don't talk about him much, but I will when he starts getting on my nerves again

Katie- Bubba's step-mom

I'll be adding to this with people that I talk about a lot. I know people like to know who the *eff* the people mentioned are. I know *I* do when reading others' diaries/blogs/journals, etc.

Who am I?

2008-10-21T17:56:25Z

How would *I* describe *me*?

I guess the best place to start is with my description of myself. I willingly describe myself as bisexual. Now, mind you, I did not wake up one morning, and say to myself, "I think I'm going to want to fuck men AND women today." It was more along the lines of, I was having a conversation with a friend, who happened to be bisexual, and we were talking about, well, sex and women, and things like that. And the more I talked, the more she tried to not laugh at me. And the more she tried to not laugh at me, the more curious, confused, and frustrated I got. Finally, I asked her what was so damn funny. She asked me if I'd ever slept with another woman, or if I had ever had any type of sexual "thing" with another woman. I said no, that I was straight... Then she DID start laughing. Her words were "Honey, you're as bi as I am!" I thought about it for a while after that, and realized that she *might* be right. But, it wasn't for a while that I finally decided to classify myself as "bisexual." For a while, I was merely "bi-curious," until I started to think about what turned me on, sexually.

I also started thinking about what had turned me on in the past. This brought up old memories. Things that had turned me on in the past had been looking at the porn my ex-husband had. I didn't think there was anything odd or strange about that. I thought all women got turned on by looking at other women. I knew about lesbians and that, I just thought that all women were turned on by looking, but only lesbians *ACTED* on it.... oh, boy was I ever wrong. LOL But, thinking back past that, I remember being a little girl (I would have been younger than ten, because of where we lived when I remember doing this), and finding my brothers' stash of Playboys and that (well, I have to be honest and admit that I found my dad's, too!), and I would look at them, and I would be turned on by looking at women's bodies even as a young child.

Now, a bit of back story to that, I was sexually molested as a child, and, as a result, I guess I recognized the feelings of sexual arousal. I also began masturbating at a rather young age (I remember masturbating as young as 7 or 8, and I believe I'd been doing it for a while at that point). Now, I would look at these magazines, and then masturbate to relieve the feelings of arousal as young as 7 or 8.

Now, again to be honest, I have never found men to be physically arousing, at least not to look at. I love the feel of a man, the smell of an aroused man, and the way making love to a man feels. But, the sight of a man, even a fully aroused man, knowing that *I* am the reason he is fully aroused, does absolutely nothing for me. (I sometimes wonder if part of that is my exceedingly low self-esteem, telling me that even though he's *saying* I'm the reason he's aroused, I'm really not because I'm so *insert reason of the day here* and he's having to force himself to maintain it and have sex with me, even though he finds me utterly repulsive.)

I have often fantasized about sex with other women, and just the thought of even just one evening with another woman gets me highly aroused. It's a favorite fantasy of my husband's and mine... him getting to just sit back and watch as I make love to another woman. Unfortunately, the only time I've ever been with another woman, I was on the receiving end of everything, and didn't get the chance to return the favor, because I was so nervous about *being* with another woman. (that, and my then husband was in the room, and I knew he wanted to fuck her, too.... BIG mood killer). I want to be able to explore this side of my sexuality. I know it is there, I know it's a part of me. But, I also know that, being the mother of three children, and having my parents living in my basement makes it difficult to explore things like that.

I know that there is SO much more that I could write about this, and I do intend to. Especially if anyone who reads this expresses an interest. I just seem to have run out of steam for the night. Please, if you have managed to read this far, I beg of you to leave me some feedback. I'm not exactly confused about my sexuality, far from it at this point, and to be honest, the more I write here, the LESS confused I am, but I could use feedback to know that I really am not alone.

blackrose78 @ 2008-10-21T10:10:00

2008-10-21T17:48:25Z

Here is a list of my current diagnoses (with commentary):

ADHD- I firmly believe I was adhd as a child, and now, wish that we had found out then so that I could have been treated while I was in school. I think school would have been much easier for me.

Bipolar Type II Rapid Cycling- There are days that rapid cycling don't cover it, and that I'm not sure if I'm bipolar or not. I tend towards mixed states, but have enough separate highs and lows for a diagnosis.

PTSD- I'm a rape survivor, been raped twice that I was fully aware during, and used and raped repeatedly for 1-3 months (can't remember exactly how long it was)

Generalized Anxiety Disorder- This, I think, is related to the ptsd

Clinical depression on top of the bipolar- This goes towards the fact I think my bipolar is mixed episodes most of the time, because even when I go manic, I'm still depressed. Just when I go manic, I'm more likely to lose the impulse control that keeps me from attempting suicide.

Non-specific Dissociative Disorder (non-specific only because my "friends" have not made an appearance in my therapist's office*I* know I'm DID, my husband knows it, many of my friends know it, but my alters have yet to come out in therapy, so I don't have a formal diagnosis of it. HOWEVER, my therapist says it is very likely that I have it, because we have discussed my history as well as the fact I have a number of the "symptoms" of did.

Complicated Migraine Headaches (my migraines mimic the symptoms of a stroke)- These are murder. I've had migraines for years, but these are particularly frightening, due to their symptoms mimicing a stroke. Not pleasant.

Endometriosis- I am in major pain from below my ribs to my pelvic region for about 3 weeks a month, and that fourth week is not always in continuous days.

Mild arthritis in my knees- I've had knee pain for as long as I can remember. It's one of the two pains I get that I can't just ignore and live with. If my knees hurt, I'm sitting on my ass/laying in bed whining because it hurts.

Asthma- Runs in my family. I've been asthmatic pretty much from birth, but it was very mild when I was a child. Got significantly worse while I was in the Navy.

Fibromyalgia- My most recent diagnosis, after about two-three years of trying to figure out exactly what is wrong with me. I've been having problems with chronic pain all over my body, fatigue (to the point I was honestly beginning to wonder if what was wrong with me was simply chronic fatigue syndrome), issues with sleep (I've had those since I was a teenager), mental processing issues (those go along with the adhd, but worse at times, they come and go), and the alternating loose bowels and constipation of IBS or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Throw in the TMJ I was diagnosed with about 2 years ago, and you have most of the symptoms for fibro.

Patella-Femoral Pain Syndrome- This goes along with the arthritis in my knees, it contributes to my knee pain, actually, it's MOST of my knee pain.

Reflux-This contributes to my asthma. It started in the last few years.

Now, add to that periodic OCD-type and agoraphobic symptoms, and you have one pretty fucked up person. But, I am functioning, despite all this. Some days are better than others, and I truly suck when I'm stressed. I don't function well at all when I'm stressed out.

Well, this is me. Do with this what you will.

Welcome to the Madhouse!

blackrose78 @ 2008-10-21T11:18:00

Who am *I*?

blackrose78 @ 2008-10-21T10:10:00

Who am I?