Christmas Eve, of course. Skeleton staff and tinsel on the nursing stations, some token blue-and-silver here and there. We celebrate Christmas in the most half-assed way possible, and no, that does not make it better, despite what my friend Mike said. I got there before my dad did; he was "held up". My grandmother was there, with a whole array of dixie cups on the table, each full of grape juice or apple or orange, a cup of coffee. Mom couldn't eat but her mouth got dry and she liked to taste things. My cousins Holly and Daniel drew pictures, incomprehensible things in crayons, full of rainbows. Do not destroy, the plea and the promise. Those were tacked up on the wall.

I held her hand but I don't remember a thing she said to me. No, I do, I do.

Exalted and sacrificed is God's great Name, the Name we don't know, the one He won't tell us. Exalted and glorified in the world which He brought forth, according to His will, the world which will be renewed. And He will give life to the dead. Every scattered ash and every atom and every stone blown to pieces in the city of Jerusalem, not one particle does not remember where it should be, and God will put it there. He will give life to the dead life to the city He turned His face from the only place left for us, the only place. And we will learn how to like it again, slowly and painfully, kingship and splendour and old foreign manners I didn't love Jerusalem when I was there. My tongue didn't cleave to the inside of my mouth. My right hand did not forget its cunning. It was just a city in another country and I was scared as fuck a lot of the time no matter how the Israelis made fun of me. I don't want to die like that. I don't want to be listening in those last moments to the prepared statement in Arabic and exchanging glances with everyone else on the bus--who's going to be the one to throw himself at her?--it is always a female bomber in the midst of my panic, one of those beautiful girls who break your heart and she doesn't even look afraid--I get all this from television--why belabour it, I was terrified of God's city. This doesn't comfort me. Is it even meant to? May His salvation blossom and Moshiach near in your lifetime and in our days, speedily and soon and in the lifetimes of all the House of Israel, speedily and soon Wake up: Your line. Amen. May His great Name be blessed forever and to all eternity, whatever blessing means. Does He want love? Can He just ask for it? You stood just out of reach. I don't know what your Name means. I don't know what it is, I can't bless it. Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honoured, elevated and lauded, be the Name of the Holy One, Blessed is He. Beyond and far beyond every blessing, every word every hymn and praise and words of consolation recited in this world. Wake up: Your line. Amen. But this is all we have. Great peace from beyond and life and life again, satiety, salvation and comfort healing and redemption and forgiveness and atonement relief and deliverance because we are crumbling He who makes peace in the heights make peace on us in Your mercy on everyone. Wake up: Your line. Amen.

Yitgaddal v'yitqaddash sh'meh rabba B'ʻal'ma di v'raʼ khiruteh B'ʻal'ma d'hu ʻatid l'itchaddata ulʼachaya metaya ulʼassaqa yathon l'chayyey ʻal'ma ulmivne qarta dirushlem ulshakhlala hekhleh b'gavvah ulmeʻqar pulchana nukhraʼa m'arʻa v'laʼatava pulchana dishmayya l'ʼatreh v'yamlikh qudsha b'rikh hu b'malkhuteh viqareh v'yatzmach purqaneh viqarev (Ketz) m'shicheh b'chayekhon uvyomekhon uvchaye d'khol bet yisraʼel b'ʻagala uvizman qariv v'ʼimru amen y'he sh'meh rabba m'varakh l'ʻalam ulʻal'me ʻal'maya Yitbarakh v'yishtabbach v'yitpaʼar v'yitromam v'yitnasse v'yithaddar v'yitʻalle v'yithallal sh'meh d'qudsha, b'rikh hu. l'ʻella mikkol min kol birkhata v'shirata tushb'chata v'nechemata daʼamiran b'al'ma v'ʼimru amen Titqabbal tz'lot'hon uvaʻut'hon d'khol bet yisraʼel qodam avuhon di bishmayya, v'ʼimru amen Y'he sh'lama rabba min sh'mayya v'chayyim tovim v'sava vishuʻa v'nechama v'shezava urfuʼa ugʼulla uslicha v'khappara v'revach v'hatzzala lanu ulkhol ʻammo yisraʼel v'ʼimru amen 'ose shalom bimromav hu b'rachamav yaʻase shalom ʻalenu v'ʻal kol ammo yisraʼel, v'ʼimru amen