I wake up in the morning and I raise my weary head

xii

2013-11-09T20:19:52Z

What does a wizard have to do to get six weeks of bedrest? A witch has to be up the duff with 32-week twins. I'd like to shoot for something less back-breaking, but with the same amount of food and pampering.

xi

2011-12-27T22:04:34Z

Bloody hell. That diaper must have weighed half a stone. I've never been more proud.

x

2011-06-15T14:56:14Z

ANDREW IS A PRETTY MANLY NAME FOR A SECOND SON, DON'T YOU THINK?

ix

2010-05-05T20:44:50Z

What's the greatest thing in life, you think? I think the answer is SPERM.

VIII

2009-08-09T21:51:03Z

YOU WANT KNOW WHAT'S ANNOYING? NURSES. I CAN BLOODY WELL WRITE IN MY JOURNAL IF I WANT TO.

YOU WANT KNOW WHAT HURTS? GARGOYLES FALLING SMACK ON YOUR HEAD. I DON'T RECOMMEND IT. I REALLY DON'T.

YOU WANT KNOW KNOW WHAT I HATE? EARTHQUAKES. FUCK 'EM.

AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF EARTHQUAKES

WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE MY WIFE AND GNOME?

VII

2009-08-04T16:20:59Z

This bleeding desk work is bloody boring. You want to know what else is bloody boring? Dodderidge's jokes. Honestly, I fell asleep during the last one -- right smack in a pile of site reports. I think I may have drooled a bit, too.

VI

2009-01-28T07:14:35Z

Today is the day that everyone on the face of this giant rock should be celebrating because today is the day that the most beautiful, kind, and fitter than fit fit fit goddess I am blessed to call my wife who is known to us mortals as simply Julia Bethany Kirke was born to the Joneses twenty-seven years ago.

ARE YOU CELEBRATING? I DEMAND TO SEE SOME BLOODY CELEBRATING. AND THERE BETTER BE FUNNY HATS. AND PIE. MAKE HER PIE, DAMN IT. ~~YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY ATTEMPT AT A PIE WOULD LOOK LIKE~~ AND I'LL NEED BACKUP SINGERS. SOMEONE NEEDS TO SING OVER THE GNOME AS SHE BABBLES SOMETHING NOT QUITE LIKE THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG.

BUT PLEASE, WARN ME BEFORE YOU BRING SOMETHING OVER. OTHERWISE YOU'LL FIND A IN-PERSON DEMONSTRATION OF NAKED JOURNALING. I'M NOT ALLOWED PANTS BUT I CAN HAVE A ~~TOGA~~ VERY MANLY MAKESHIFT TOWEL OR SHEET SKIRT PREPARED WITH PRIOR NOTICE.

V

2008-07-11T16:41:42Z

LOOK WHAT I MADE

IV

2008-07-04T13:41:48Z

[Warded from Julie]

I could just summon the gnome out of her. That would work, right?

I really don't want to die at the hands of a hormonal 7 stone witch. That would be depressing.

III

2008-03-28T20:22:21Z

My siblings make me want to vomit.

I need pie. Beef pie.

II

2008-02-22T23:59:54Z

Putting your ear on your pregnant wife's tummy is a sure way to make her giggle. Loads. Which is distracting when you actually want to hear what is going on in her nether world hump. Personally, I can hear the ocean. Though I'm pretty sure that's just gas.

I

2008-01-24T03:33:23Z

[Warded against Devon Kirke]
Right. This is how it goes, you little prick: you hurt my sister, your arse is mine to bruise. You think Devon can throw a punch? Just wait until you meet the wizard who taught her how. For some unknown bloody reason she's refusing to tell me just who the fuck you are. Be thankful for that. If you even try to talk to her again, you'll be fucking sorry.

[Rafe] Your arse, Devon's sitting room. NOW. [/Rafe]