I wake up in the morning and I raise my weary head

xii

Sat, 09 Nov 2013 20:19:52 GMT

What does a wizard have to do to get six weeks of bedrest? A witch has to be up the duff with 32-week twins. I'd like to shoot for something less back-breaking, but with the same amount of food and pampering.

xi

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 22:04:34 GMT

Bloody hell. That diaper must have weighed half a stone. I've never been more proud.

x

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 14:56:14 GMT

ANDREW IS A PRETTY MANLY NAME FOR A SECOND SON, DON'T YOU THINK?

ix

Wed, 05 May 2010 20:44:50 GMT

What's the greatest thing in life, you think? I think the answer is SPERM.

VIII

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 21:51:03 GMT

YOU WANT KNOW WHAT'S ANNOYING? NURSES. I CAN BLOODY WELL WRITE IN MY JOURNAL IF I WANT TO.

YOU WANT KNOW WHAT HURTS? GARGOYLES FALLING SMACK ON YOUR HEAD. I DON'T RECOMMEND IT. I REALLY DON'T.

YOU WANT KNOW KNOW WHAT I HATE? EARTHQUAKES. FUCK 'EM.

AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF EARTHQUAKES

WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE MY WIFE AND GNOME?

VII

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 16:20:59 GMT

This bleeding desk work is bloody boring. You want to know what else is bloody boring? Dodderidge's jokes. Honestly, I fell asleep during the last one -- right smack in a pile of site reports. I think I may have drooled a bit, too.

VI

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 07:14:35 GMT

Today is the day that everyone on the face of this giant rock should be celebrating because today is the day that the most beautiful, kind, and fitter than fit fit fit goddess I am blessed to call my wife who is known to us mortals as simply Julia Bethany Kirke was born to the Joneses twenty-seven years ago.

ARE YOU CELEBRATING? I DEMAND TO SEE SOME BLOODY CELEBRATING. AND THERE BETTER BE FUNNY HATS. AND PIE. MAKE HER PIE, DAMN IT. ~~YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY ATTEMPT AT A PIE WOULD LOOK LIKE~~ AND I'LL NEED BACKUP SINGERS. SOMEONE NEEDS TO SING OVER THE GNOME AS SHE BABBLES SOMETHING NOT QUITE LIKE THE HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG.

BUT PLEASE, WARN ME BEFORE YOU BRING SOMETHING OVER. OTHERWISE YOU'LL FIND A IN-PERSON DEMONSTRATION OF NAKED JOURNALING. I'M NOT ALLOWED PANTS BUT I CAN HAVE A ~~TOGA~~ VERY MANLY MAKESHIFT TOWEL OR SHEET SKIRT PREPARED WITH PRIOR NOTICE.

V

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 16:41:42 GMT

LOOK WHAT I MADE

IV

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 13:41:48 GMT

[Warded from Julie]

I could just summon the gnome out of her. That would work, right?

I really don't want to die at the hands of a hormonal 7 stone witch. That would be depressing.

III

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 20:22:21 GMT

My siblings make me want to vomit.

I need pie. Beef pie.

II

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 23:59:54 GMT

Putting your ear on your pregnant wife's tummy is a sure way to make her giggle. Loads. Which is distracting when you actually want to hear what is going on in her nether world hump. Personally, I can hear the ocean. Though I'm pretty sure that's just gas.

I

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 03:33:23 GMT

[Warded against Devon Kirke]
Right. This is how it goes, you little prick: you hurt my sister, your arse is mine to bruise. You think Devon can throw a punch? Just wait until you meet the wizard who taught her how. For some unknown bloody reason she's refusing to tell me just who the fuck you are. Be thankful for that. If you even try to talk to her again, you'll be fucking sorry.

[Rafe] Your arse, Devon's sitting room. NOW. [/Rafe]