fidelity

Bummed.

2008-08-19T01:35:00Z

I talked to Trey last nite for the first time in several weeks. I kinda missed him texting me all day and calling at three in the morning. I usually don't fall asleep until 4am so it was nice having someone to talk to.

He has a girlfriend now apparently. It just bums me out that as soon as he gets a girlfriend, he forgets all about me. I thought we were friends, you know? It just sucks that after him being like, oh I really like being with you and talking with you and we'll always be friends, that he just ditches me like that. It's a good thing I didn't have sex with him then. It's obvious now that's all he was after.

It sucks even more that I'm like...that girl. I don't get what it is about me that makes it okay for guys to want to just sleep with me, but not okay to actually date me. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm smart and I'm funny. I think I'm pretty attractive. I'm really nice. I care a lot about the people around me...So I don't get it. I'm a pretty great person so why can't I find a guy who is at least halfway decent?

I'll be in Austin soon and then I'll have a whole new pool of guys, or something lol. I'll be in school and I'll meet all sorts of people, right? It better not be a repeat of all the bullshit here in San Antonio. I'm getting sick of it. It's just...retarded lol.

Speaking of Austin... the housing guy called me today but I missed his call. I'll be calling him back tomorrow. I'm super excited. I'll be there in 33 days! It still feels so unreal, but I definately feel more nervous about it than I did back in July. I just wish my parents would come around already. My siblings have already told me they won't be visiting. I don't think I'll be coming to see them much either, to be honest. Why would I want to come visit people who can't be happy for me and support me? I'll come to see my friends and I'll come to see my dad on Christmas, but other than that, if I come to San Antonio for anything, I won't be having anything to do with them.

It's really sad when the people who have been holding you back are family. And even sadder when it comes time to cut them out of your life. I don't want to do it, but I know I have to. They have never been good to me. Ever. So I'm done.

Blaaah happy thoughts. Oh, I'm getting my car back tomorrow morning. That's good! I've been without it for a week and I feel so HELPLESS. I've also been working. I work Friday morning and all day Saturday. It's been pretty good so far. Same old ice center...

I suppose that's it for now.

RAYMOND

2008-08-16T00:48:34Z

I'm sorry for what I said but I meant it.

I'll be leaving soon and I need to know that you will be there for me. Right now, with the way you've been acting, I don't feel like you will be. You're all I have. You mean everything to me. But lately... I don't even know. You don't appreciate me at all.

I don't ask you for much but you still make everything so hard.

005.

2008-08-07T07:48:48Z

Well, I haven't been up to much. Still getting everything ready for school. All I need now is to get my dad to sign some papers for school and then talk to housing. My dad is so hard to get a hold of though. OH and I need to pick up my transript from high school. Ew. My school moved so I have to find out where it is now. They'll probably charge me $10 to get it, too. BLAH.

I went by the ice center today. I got my old job back. I hate working there, but it's only until September. I hate having to be responsible sometimes.

Hopefully I'll get my window fixed soon. It's gonna cost $500 to replace it. How gay is that?! My insurance won't cover it and my dad doesn't want to pay for it (what a surprise...NOT) so I'm gonna have to find that money somewhere.

Random thing #1: All this Twilight stuff annoys me. Especially when people get so carried away with it. It's just a stupid book and it's not even very good, imo. I tried to read the first book and I thought it was crap so I didn't even bother buying it. I mean, okay, you can like whatever you want, but I still think it's ridiculously stupid. I mean honestly...Vampires? Lame.

Random thing #2: Last nite my mom and I were watching Bones and she asked, out of nowhere, "I wonder what Michael Jackson does all day...". I laughed so hard I almost fell off the couch.

Random thing #3: I bought Goblet of Fire yesterday. I already had it in paperback, but they were selling the hardcover for only $10 and I couldn't pass it up. Yay!

I'm out for now.

004.

2008-07-31T23:57:30Z

Today wasn't any better.

At least my mom hasn't been here. Damn, spoke too soon, she just walked in.

I'm starving. I have no money and my mom doesn't buy groceries. She eats out every day. I thought I had more to say, but I don't.

003.

2008-07-31T03:10:30Z

My car was broken into. Someone threw a huge rock through my back windshield. Fantastic! My dad said he wasn't going to pay to get it replaced and my insurance won't cover it. Nice, right? I mean if it had been my fault I could understand that, but this was out of my control. I am just livid.

I think he's mad at me for some reason. I don't know why, though. He's not returning any of my calls and had my brother relay messages to me all day. I don't know what's going on.

My mom is driving me crazy today. We went out to eat dinner to celebrate with family because she got a job. While we're eating, she announces that my brother is going to SAC (community college) but didn't say a single thing about me going to TCA. It really hurt my feelings. I mentioned it to her and she just rolled her eyes.

Why can't she be happy for me?

Raymond isn't answering his phone. It's off. Josh said he's playing WoW. I wish Ray would talk to me. I'm so frustrated. Of course no one else is answering their phones either. Typical. I can't go anywhere because of my stupid car. I wasn't even able to go met Janell today for work. I'll have to figure out how to get there tomorrow or Friday. I refuse to drive my car the way it is now. I'm just not going to do it. My mom has two cars, but she won't let my drive either of them. I'm basically trapped at home now. I just want it to be September already. I'm sick and tired of being stuck in SA and having to deal with all of my family's bullshit.

I hope tomorrow is better. Sorry for being such a goddamn whiner. I've never been good about stress.

002.

2008-07-30T04:36:56Z

Wow, I was in such a good mood until about five minutes ago. I hate being in a bad mood...

I woke up this morning to the maintenance guy walking into Raymond's apartment around 11am. This would normally not be a problem except I was still asleep and I wasn't wearing pants. That was awkward. He just backed out of the apartment and I didn't know if he was coming back or not, so I left just in case he did come back.

On my way home Adam called me. We talked for a good three hours and then my mom came home and started bitching at me so we hung up. Oh, I finally talked to Janell and she gave me my old job back. Party hosting sucks, but it's only until September, so I think I can deal with it. I'm going to be looking for a second job as well since the Ice Center job is mostly just weekends. I also called TCA to make sure that my advisor had my correct e-mail because he always calls to tell me he's sending me something and then I never get it. I got his voicemail so I left my e-mail address on his machine. He ended up calling me about ten minutes later and we talked. he asked if I was coming up on August 5th, and if my parents would be coming (HA) and I said I wasn't sure. Then he asked me if I was still excited, which he's asked me every time we've talked on the phone, and I said yes. I almost went, "DUH!", but I caught myself. That would have been stupid haha. We talked some more and then he said he was e-mailing me again about housing since I didn't get it the first time. This time I got it. It was cute, at the end of the e-mail he typed in a smiley face lol.

Anyway, so after that, Adam called me back and we talked for a few more hours. We talked a lot about him coming to visit me in April. Oh, and about what a bad friend I am lol. And that I'm a criminal =P He's too funny, that kid.

I got hungry later on, so my mom gave me money to go buy us tacos from Taco Bell. Raymond and I kinda got in a fight. I think? I'm not sure. I just know he suddenly logged off and won't answer his phone. I'm kinda mad at him about something else though. I told him I made this journal for everyone to read and he didn't really care. When I asked him if he was going to read it, he said no. Oh, well that's nice! Whatever...

I guess I'm out for tonite.

OH.

My birthday is coming up you guys. Jason Mraz tickets go on pre-sale tomorrow (password is polaroid, all lowercase) for a concert in Austin on October 24. Just thought you should all know *ahem*

001.

2008-07-29T03:28:39Z

It's been a while since I've had a public journal, but I figured I'd start writing in one so that my real life friends could see what I'm up to.

As most of you already know, I'm going to be moving to Austin in September. I'm really excited about going to school and being in a new city but I'm also scared out of my mind. I've never lived this far from my friends (and family I guess...) and I'm afraid that I won't be able to do it or that I'll be alone all the time. I'm used to being able to just see everyone when I want to (like Ash or James or Raymond) and now I won't have any of them. The three of them have been such a huge part of my life for so long. I don't know what I'll do without them.

I'll be glad to be away from my family, though. Oh my gosh, I can't wait lol. It's sad that I can't stand to be around them..But...I can't stand to be around them! I can't wait to be gone! My dad has been making things so much harder than they need to be. I can't even really talk to him about any of it. He always ends up making me cry and I HATE crying in front of him. I always feel like he's making fun of me for it. My mom is totally unsupportive, but I really wasn't expecting all that much from her. She never seems to be happy for me about anything.

I thought I had more to say and then Justin IMed me and I lost my train of thought lol. Thanks!

I suppose I'm out for now then. :)

Oh! And you guys can comment if you want, just have to be anon if you don't get a journal yourself. Just let me know who you are in the subject or something!