Giving Up Daisies

more randomness.

2008-05-02T22:35:38Z

Some one needs you to get off my case.

I'm trying to breath, but my mouth is full of syrupy saliva. It's very hard.

I thought about it again on the way home. How it would be so easy just to let go.. And then I got sick out the window. They told me it might be a side effect from this new medication. It was bad before but I'd never.. thought... that way.

Maybe it means I should get off of it. I couldn't think of the words to any of my favorite songs this afternoon, when I desperately needed something to sing, something to do while I was being ignored.

Oh, fun times.

This is the part where I peddle my thoughts.

2008-05-02T22:31:29Z

How strong are you when someone else can break your will with a word? Our bodies and our minds are capable of many things but I have little control over mine. Start at the beginning, the middle, the end. What does it matter? I don't know how it happened anyway. I'm just a figment of someone's fancy I called spawn. Am I rambling? I'm certainly not making any sense to myself. I'm also trying to think as slowly as I can as my pen moves across this notebook paper, writing. Can I keep up?

I was there and now I am here. I was there and I am here, now. I was there but I am not there any longer. I am here. I'm in the exact same position, place, I was eight seconds ago and eighteen seconds ago I was there. What, am I nuts? I'm not indifferent. I am child. Do you know my name? I do. Are you sure I even have a name?

This is the part where I try not to think.

I stink of sweat. My face is messy with paint. My legs are prickly with hair and I am here. At one time I was there, where I was clean and smelled nice. My legs were smooth and shaven.And my dog was not staring at me like he is now.

"Are you hungry?"

He follows me into the kitchen but I give him water first. Maybe I want him to pee everywhere. His dick is like a hose and he pisses right after he fuels up sometimes. Then I filled his bowl with food. Are you confused? My thought sequence, the time is crooked.

In the kitchen the backdoor is open, and creaking. I can hear birds and breaks. The computer is playing a movie I don't want to sit and watch but don't mind listening to from here. I don't need to see the movie to feel it. Two o'clock. I seem to feel. I seem to see. I seem to blink my eyes and participate in breathing. 1 minute, or 1 hour. I won't realize the day is ended until it's over. Game over.

Forget form and just do it.

This is the part where I try not to think.

emotions and honesty.

2008-04-03T18:54:55Z

Lorreewaguespack (12:45:14 PM): Hey!
Lorreewaguespack (12:45:58 PM): Sup?

AbuseYourDiary (12:46:11 PM): Nota lot, you?

AbuseYourDiary (12:46:14 PM):

Lorreewaguespack (12:46:24 PM): putting off working on a paper lol

Lorreewaguespack (12:46:34 PM): I called you the other day.

Lorreewaguespack (12:46:41 PM): haven't talked to you in a while

Lorreewaguespack (12:46:45 PM): how goes life?

AbuseYourDiary (12:46:57 PM): it's just kind of like i'm watching time pass.

AbuseYourDiary (12:47:09 PM): i haven't been working because tyler's grampa is in the hospital.

AbuseYourDiary (12:47:29 PM): and i saw you called and mentally noted to call you back, and then forgot. :/

AbuseYourDiary (12:47:35 PM): i haven't really talked to anyone in a while.

Lorreewaguespack (12:47:47 PM): y not?

AbuseYourDiary (12:47:49 PM): lol, god. i'm such a loser. but yeah.

Lorreewaguespack (12:47:55 PM): no ur not

AbuseYourDiary (12:48:25 PM): i've been working on EPC a lot. making webpages for it.. and.. i haven't even seen jack or cody in forever.

AbuseYourDiary (12:48:29 PM): i've been in bed all morning

AbuseYourDiary (12:48:34 PM): i got my haircut though.

AbuseYourDiary (12:48:44 PM): it'z short

Lorreewaguespack (12:48:46 PM): i saw the pic on facebook

Lorreewaguespack (12:48:49 PM): looks good

AbuseYourDiary (12:48:53 PM): thankz!

AbuseYourDiary (12:49:09 PM): how've you been?

Lorreewaguespack (12:49:14 PM): I'm good

Lorreewaguespack (12:49:44 PM): I went to a debate last night between Chi Alpha- the Christian greek organization on campus- and the Atheist Alliance

Lorreewaguespack (12:49:48 PM): very interesting

AbuseYourDiary (12:50:00 PM): oh yeah, i read that thread on facebook.

AbuseYourDiary (12:50:02 PM): sounded cool.

Lorreewaguespack (12:50:41 PM): it was they should do more stuff like that

AbuseYourDiary (12:50:44 PM): i kind of hestitate replying ever. i don't know why. i read it all the time though.

Lorreewaguespack (12:51:21 PM): i wondered about that. i wasn't sure if you just didn't get on facebook, or what. why not reply?

Lorreewaguespack (12:52:05 PM): that's the easiest way for all of us to stay connected, i feel like your trying to pull away from us

AbuseYourDiary (12:52:16 PM): most of the time i don't get on facebok

AbuseYourDiary (12:52:21 PM): but i do get on it some times

AbuseYourDiary (12:52:22 PM): and i read

AbuseYourDiary (12:52:31 PM): and it's just because i don't have anything exciting to talk about

AbuseYourDiary (12:52:42 PM): i kind of feel left out.

AbuseYourDiary (12:52:46 PM): like even mangham,

AbuseYourDiary (12:53:06 PM): i saw her at the doctors office the other day when i was going to get my medication

AbuseYourDiary (12:53:17 PM): i'm on antidepressants and sleeping pills

Lorreewaguespack (12:53:24 PM): Why?

AbuseYourDiary (12:53:37 PM): depression and insomnia.. and nightmares.

Lorreewaguespack (12:53:47 PM): nightmares about what?

AbuseYourDiary (12:53:47 PM): lunesta makes you not have them.

AbuseYourDiary (12:54:23 PM): just various stuff. like, being stuck in a school where i'm going to fail no matter what, or waking up one morning with gray pubic hair and being infertile,

AbuseYourDiary (12:54:30 PM): or just all kinds of random things.

AbuseYourDiary (12:54:37 PM): that are equally horrible.

AbuseYourDiary (12:54:58 PM): nightmares about a lack of a future.

Lorreewaguespack (12:55:29 PM): so make a future, go get a job, be involved in something

Lorreewaguespack (12:55:50 PM): i know that sounds harsh, but you scare me with what you are telling me, i don't want anything to happen to you

Lorreewaguespack (12:56:10 PM): i want you to be happy and have things and people in your life

Lorreewaguespack (12:56:45 PM): i know its easier said than done

AbuseYourDiary (12:56:47 PM): i don't want to scare you.

AbuseYourDiary (12:57:00 PM): i don't want people to worry about me.

Lorreewaguespack (12:57:19 PM): how can we not? your my friend!

AbuseYourDiary (12:57:44 PM): i know. :/ and i know your right.

AbuseYourDiary (12:57:59 PM): i have the job watching tyler but it's not really enough i guess.

AbuseYourDiary (12:58:38 PM): i'm just kind of overwhelmed by myself and i need to snap out of it.

Lorreewaguespack (1:00:32 PM): that's the thing with writing, at least for me, when I am and its good, my mind is like heavy with what I'm writing and I have a hard time coming out of it long enought to live life, but what's the good of writing if I have no life? And for me, its almost impossible to do both, or to do both well, its a choice

Lorreewaguespack (1:01:34 PM): A choice to be happy and to do things, or to sit and do nothing, I understand, last semester, I was depressed. I had nothing to do, no real friends to hang out with, nothing but schoolwork and it wasn't enough

Lorreewaguespack (1:01:47 PM): but you have to make an effort to change that

Lorreewaguespack (1:02:21 PM): I'm sorry if you feel like this is a little intense, I wish I could see your face, but I really do worry about you

AbuseYourDiary (1:02:47 PM): i haven't gone to church in weeks accepting easter.

AbuseYourDiary (1:02:54 PM): excepting*

AbuseYourDiary (1:03:21 PM): chris IMs me on aim and i don't respond. lol. i don't know what the deal is. i think i'm hiding from people.

AbuseYourDiary (1:03:37 PM): it's not that i'm afraid.. it's just like i don't want them looking at me.

AbuseYourDiary (1:03:56 PM): because i did drop out of school, and my brother did try to kill himself, and i am on antidepressants..

AbuseYourDiary (1:04:10 PM): and i don't want some excited christian man with a microphone putting his hands on me.

Lorreewaguespack (1:04:50 PM): what do you mean? putting his hands on me?

AbuseYourDiary (1:05:11 PM): like his hand on my shoulder and being all like, "lindsey blahblahblah miracle, blahblahblah"

AbuseYourDiary (1:05:30 PM): I don't know.

AbuseYourDiary (1:05:39 PM): Maybe I'm over-reacting but..

Lorreewaguespack (1:05:41 PM): I know how you feel, well maybe not, but I understand where you are coming from and if you really want change things you have to do something

Lorreewaguespack (1:06:12 PM): No I don't think you are over-reacting, I get how you feel, I would feel the same in your place

Lorreewaguespack (1:06:43 PM): Don't care what they think, what matters is what is between you and God

AbuseYourDiary (1:06:56 PM): my laptopbattery is going to die soon. yeah. i agree.

AbuseYourDiary (1:07:33 PM): mom thinks we should take a trip. possibly just stay in orange and rent a motel with books and movies.

AbuseYourDiary (1:07:41 PM): and she said you could come if you wanted to

Lorreewaguespack (1:07:51 PM): yeah that sounds like fun

AbuseYourDiary (1:08:02 PM):

Lorreewaguespack (1:08:18 PM):

AbuseYourDiary (1:08:42 PM): i need to go get dressed.. i haven't left my room all morning.

Lorreewaguespack (1:08:50 PM): ok

Lorreewaguespack (1:09:20 PM): Lin, you can always call me, even if its just like today sucked, I would rather hear that than nothing

AbuseYourDiary (1:09:53 PM): i'll try to remember that

AbuseYourDiary (1:10:05 PM): love you.. i'll probably be back later if you're still here

Lorreewaguespack (1:10:16 PM): ok love you too

friends

2008-03-31T18:34:20Z

Friends.

Are important. They are the glue that helps hold me together. Together with medication and my family who I can't seem to get away from these days. I had to quit school this semester. I have a job now but it's not enough. My brother tried to kill himself. I came clean over a lie and it feels good. EPC is going well. I've broken up with two boyfriends since Jack and I broke up. I want to write and finish a story now that I have more time to. I've gotten some counseling. Lately my friends have noticed that I'm becoming someone I am not, due to the medication and just over all circumstances. They think I should snap out of it and stop trying to deny what is. What is though? I have people who love me but aren't here. Even the people that are here aren't here. I lay in bed, get on my laptop and waste my days away. Do I hate myself? Do I love myself? Am I depressed? yes. i'm on medication for that, as well as a sleeping pill that i have not been taking. I've had nightmares for months. I go back and forth on concepts of family and future. Do I want one, will I have one? I want to know something that is constant. I'm looking for something more than what is right in front of me. Lewis says he loves me. He says he will always love me and that I just have to go to him. but i don't love him like he loves me. i don't want to break his heart. i used to have a heart, you know? it was for brandon. and it wasn't worth much.

there are too many men in my life now. i don't really know what to do, how to satisfy myself just being myself. this is a problem. i feel like a pig. but let's see, shall we? i am one. i wallow in my bed, in my up until recently pig-sty. it's pretty pathetic if you ask me. i am much happier when i'm moving around and doing things. there's just too much to say. i could talk all night. mel encouraged me to start blogging again. i think it was a good idea, i'm spilling a lot. i'm worried that i might try a few things. i don't want to talk about them. they depress me that i am depressed. lol. does that make sense? I miss hanging out with my girlfriends and I miss Jack and Cody. they were always funny. and i would play you don't know jack while they played super smash bros and it was great because they could hear the questions i didn't think they could hear and it was funny and there were no problems. jack has a new girlfriend now so that's probably another reason why we haven't talked much lately. i don't really keep in much contact with my girlfriends lately. i havent gone to visit anyone but amanda lanie and julie at UT. i want to go with blake to visit martha soon at mcneese.

this is how you know something is wrong, is when you avoid your friends.

i've been doing it for years.

sunday

2008-03-31T18:32:06Z

Been backsliding.

Does anyone care?

Update

2008-03-31T18:30:52Z

The meet-up that I was planning for July is off in regards to the vast population of TC and FM. The only people invited now are those from Texas and what's the point in waiting til July? The whole thing was just supposed to be so we could hang out and they kept tainting it with their own agendas and plans to beat eachother up, or get wasted-laid-etc.

The only people going to my knowledge now are Nate, Suhaib, JR, and me.

That said:

I got to bed at a decent hour last night. I woke up at 5:30 this morning, let the dog out, went back to bed but was really awake for the next 2. I dropped the kids off at school and then went to Psychology and then Composition II. Now I've got one of those annoying hour breaks.

I'm fasting right now. It's been over 24 hours. Last night I was really feeling it. I did succumb to a few pieces of popcorn but I'm keeping on with the water. I think it's good to cleanse your body.
After I'm done fasting -- no more junk. NONE. That's like taking drugs from here on in -- I mean the preservatives and enhancers are drugs. Food is medicine.

oh and... I love Jack. :)

ride

2008-03-31T18:29:47Z

ride

Important music:

Cary Brothers - Ride
Oasis - Wonderwall

I've been really happy lately, apart from bouts of insomnia that last until four am when I force myself to pass out. Then I wake up and go to class, or sleep all day depending on if it's Monday or Tuesday, or Wednesday or Thursday.

Jack and I have started talking again and I don't think it's any secret how much I like him. School is good, I'm a little behind but I'm quickly catching up. I'm making more friends. I miss my old ones a lot but I think hanging out with new people is healthy.

EPC is picking up with activity too and I'm very happy about that. I haven't made anymore plans in regards to the meet up but we'll see. It's a big issue.

I'll write more later.

free written in gov.

2008-03-31T18:28:40Z

what do you feel?

2008-03-31T18:26:11Z

i am not tired of guys. i am not tired of life. i am not tired of trying. i am just not.

i love the moon on a clear and on a cloudy night.
i love the cobwebs in the corner.
i love the feel of the wind in my hair and hand as i drive.
i love the water of the world, and the way it moves.
i love the dandelions that grow on my front lawn.
i love the memory of a full-mouthed bark and wagging tail.
i love waiting for trains to pass, and the horn that can be heard from my window sometimes.
i love being with friends who care about more than the surface pleasantries.
i love road trips and walking the streets of new places.
i do not hate life or the world or god or myself,
no matter how much i temporary blame any of those given things for my hurt.
forgive me.

Posted by Lindsey at 9:56 PM

truth

2008-03-31T18:24:12Z

Blogger,

I attribute the disappointment of my past week to the fact that I haven't taken the time to sort through my thoughts and separate truth from what might be. If I had written in this the past few nights, maybe I would not be biting my fist now it frustration and loneliness and frustration.

I'm a sucker for confusing dreams with what is real. Not in your fairy godmother sense of the term dream but.. what might be. A vision. A possibility. A minor probability.

I'm mad at myself for getting mad at someone I care about. They owe me nothing. This isn't the first time it's happened in the past few days. I just take it all with a nod and a smile, accepting the reassurance that is nothing more than a a few pixels that form heart.

I need to remember what is and go by that, not by what might be and pretend that it's o.k. to launch from.

With a nod and a smile, accepting it because it's just not real, right? It's just not.

Wrong. Feelings are real. And if you put them off for a long time, they'll eventually catch up to you and feed distrust and anger and tears.

Let me just say I don't wish any of them harm. I'm more so mad at myself because I want to be mad at them, and I want to want to be mean.

They don't owe me any thing but I wish they'd be honest. I wish they wouldn't jerk me around.

And I wish I'd stop letting them. The ones behind me that are the fuel for the fire... and the ones in my life now who don't deserve the flame.

Good will, huh?

What about actual actions?

spill

2008-03-31T18:22:36Z

Have you ever thought about how much time we waste waiting for the perfect moment?
The perfect time to write an entry,
to take a picture, to clean our rooms,
to tell someone in need what they need to hear,
to tell some one you know how you really feel about them...
it's slipping away.

Because even though you think your life is uneventful,
there is actually a whole lot going on up there, and by up there I mean in your head, maybe your heart, maybe even with the people around you if you're just too self absorbed to see it.

I just don't want to fail, for once.
I don't want to give up, for once.

Don't think I'm like this whiny person. I just worry a lot.
O.K. Yeah think I'm a whiny person. :,O.

yawnnnnnnnnzies. i'm done dwelling. time to talk out of my head.

it starts with a hello and goes south of smiling.

you're closing your fists.
i can understand why you're frustrated
but you will have no reason to ever know my name
i'm trying to be realistic here
to you it's just another story, "so why the worry?"
because to me it's more than that
and you have no patience
to measure the worth of one day
or even a short evening to be still
and calculate the frequent pulse
of one body breathing against another

life lies and mistakes

2008-03-31T18:21:07Z

The question as the midnight hour approaches:
Was the day a good one or a bad one?
The answer is totally open to interpretation.

Good things:

Hanging out with Jack, DD, Keith, Cody, and Tera
Seeing Matthew for however brief a time online
Holding my new dog
Consoling my old dog because I held the new one
Talking my thoughts out here and with a friend.

Bad things:

Disobeying mom.
Lying to mom.
Not going to register for spring semester.
Going into TC twice today against my prior wishes.
Realizing that EPC forum will probably fail.
Realizing I'm a freeloader and my parents have no faith in me, and blame it on me that I have no faith in me thus creating a cycle thoroughly drenched in disappointment of failure.

It's not that my parents don't love me. But I think all dreams they had for me died when I was younger. I think they expected me to know the world and be experienced when I really just hid from it and continued ignorance.

What is it about my self-destructive pattern that is so easily undetectable? Is it because it's overlooked in comparison of another? Is it because I demand for attention that I behave this way? I really hope that's not why I'm like this. But am I just a child? I behave enough like one. I still have to get permission to go anywhere. I still have to keep my room clean. I still get woken up in the morning by the sound of my mother's harsh voice. I still play with toys (aka laptop, phone, t.v.)

And why do I tear a house apart looking for a laptop? To communicate with people I've never met? Or to sooth the urge of an addiction?

I am religious, as most of you know. I sing in the praise band. I have an o.k. voice. But do I actually sing for God, or for enjoyment? So part of what I'm doing now is getting closer to God. I've been writing him emails the past few days at night as my prayers. I can do the best I can to be good. I can do a lot of things. But I've missed out on what I've claimed for salvation because I've been too proud to pray. And it's something I want desperately. A lot of you have different beliefs than me but this is mine, and it means a lot to me. I haven't trusted God with myself for shame, but I'm no such person to have charge of myself anyway. Look at what I've done to my life so far... I've wasted the majority of my short span. Now is the time in my life to begin to define what it is I want, what it is I'm willing to do, where it is I'm willing to go for the goals I've wanted to achieve, for the purpose that's been set for my hands, the destiny of my soul.

At the end of my life I want to have no worries. I don't want to be so attached to the world that I don't appreciate it's beauty, that I don't appreciate it's life beneath the material and human things.

If you love me don't let me neglect my life.

A Companion for Jewel

2008-03-31T18:18:52Z

About a month and a half back, I found my dog dead. Correction. I didn't find him. The neighbor found him. But I was the only one at home. This meant that I would soon desperately try to make contact with my parents after a loud wailing moan, and that I would help my brother bury my most beloved Oscar. He was so special. He had the most beautiful fur, he had a clown smile, he was so intuitive and obedient despite being an escape artist. He threw his own ball, he barked with it in his mouth. He was excellent with children. He was also a companion to dog a few years older than him, Jewel. Jewel has been sleeping a ton, has actually started to -look- old. She's depressed, she misses her brother. And everyone around this house has been wanting another dog. We're so used to it. And we want to see Jewel happy. Not that she'd take to another dog right away, but eventually.. who knows. So today, my mom and dad found this dog online named William. He's a terrier, he's white, and is about 3 and a half years old. Jewel is about seven, and is a schnauzer mix. Oscar was a Lhasa Apsa/Cocker Spaniel mix. So we're used to those medium/small dogs. He's about to be here and I'm going to take tons of pictures of him and Jewel together. I'll also put some pictures of things/people that I love up later today.

Songs that have been with me/in my head:
The Decemberists - Red Right Ankle
Surfjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day
Colbie Caillat - One Fine Wine & Battle
Low Millions - Low Millions & Julia

givingupdaisies @ 2008-01-01T13:14:00

2008-03-31T18:16:43Z

My name is Lindsey and I'm 19 years old. This blog is to inspire me to continue making changes in my life that will make me happier, healthier, and successful; to continue to be self-motivated. I need this blogger in my life because in the past I've let the weight of the world around me snag me by the hem of my jeans and keep me down. It used to be that I kept a xanga but I outgrew it and moved onto myspace, and then from there to facebook. But I remember when I had my xanga and I don't think I was ever more in tune with myself. The thing is, I don't want everyone on facebook seeing my innermost thoughts. This blog is specifically for me and the friends who inspire me. There are several of people in my life like that, but from day one I've always been able to share with the ones who see this here.

The blog is called Giving up daisies because of something I wrote when I was about to graduate high school, talking about how I didn't want to grow up. But now, I want to.

"When I was a little girl I acted the way you'd think I'd act now. These days it's quite the opposite as I act the way you might see a little girl do.I'd much rather take a nap,or use a coloring book than go to another stupid party where everyone knows everyones story but say nothing because it's oh so obvious. I'm afraid; I admit. I do not want to grow up.Times like these I desperately wish I could fly to never land but thoughts like that are ridiculous. All I have to do is look Peter Pan to know you can turn away from responsibility but grow. It catches you anyway. I'd give anything to keep my daises if only for another year, another week,or just another day. "

One of the things I'm going to do tomorrow is head to Jack's with my camera and a movie. I plan on taking pictures all day of things I love. I'll fill this blog so full of stuff that I cherish, opening it will be like stepping into the sun after the rain you can still smell is done falling. There are a lot of 'issues' in my life but none of them are beyond being fixed. Not with the love of God, not with the love of my family, not with the love of my wonderful crazy amazing friends can any problem be too great to fix.

One of the problems that I've had for years, and I'm sure many people in my age group have is spending too much time online. Not only do I spend too much time online, but I am an addict of chat rooms. One of my resolutions for this year is to toss Teen chat aside and focus on my life. The things that matter to me. Some of the things that matter to me have a lot to do with the internet though. Communication is essential for all humans, and for me I simply can not get enough. Places like my forum and this blog are sites that I will spend at least a few hours of my day that I'm hoping to make busy.

I'll list out the things I want to eliminate or improve in my life. I've already told this to like half of you but who cares, yeah? This is for me first and foremost!

Go to class. (I've always enjoyed school.)
Do my work. (I'm also more happy doing this, but I procrastinate for days.)
Get healthy and exercise (I've found I'm more happy doing both of these.)
No more chat rooms (They're the main source of procrastination.)
Keeping my room clean and helping out around the house (Everyone seems to be more happy in a clean space.)
Keeping in touch with my friends (I distance myself a lot when on a downward spiral. I focus more on other things and other friends so as not to draw attention to my obvious failings.)

Thanks for reading my first entry. I hope you all had an amazing New Year.
I love you. Good night.

a good night

2008-03-31T18:14:19Z

Tonight I had a really good conversation with someone whose opinion I respect greatly. This was only the second time we've ever talked on the phone but both times were hilarious and well-worth it. It's just so easy with them. And the wisdom they put forth in every way they present themselves is trustworthy. It all made sense once I talked to someone who really understood.

I remember talking to Martha when I was in Austin and we were all sitting around this semicircle, there were people around, and we were all singing to eachother, taking turns standing up front and performing.. and I said something about doing what you want to do. And she said that was how she lived all the time. But the funny thing was I couldn't say that I did too. I do know that I am more myself around my friends than I am wallowing alone, waiting for some one to show me that they care like the guy waiting for a miracle from God, having rejected 3 ships and a helicopter.

I find myself escaping into things often, but I know I am and could be so much more than that. My biggest enemy is myself because I am constantly telling myself, you can't do that, or this, what are you even thinking? But I have to admit I enjoy failing at something I really want to do more than I enjoy succeeding in what I feel is a waste of time. The embarrassment is worth it because you try and want to do it again. You want to get better. I want to get better.

And I'm finding that I really must not appreciate or respect myself much, because I do my body torture by not caring, I do myself wrong by not dressing how I want to dress, by not talking or smiling in or speaking in the direction of the people I want to be around. Around my best friends I am confident but it's really hard for me to break out at first.

I want to get to know you. I really do. It's just always been my worry that I have nothing to offer as a friend. So I have a hard time letting people in past my Uh huhs and Mks. It's nothing against you, I just didn't think I was worth it. But beneath it all, I know I am.

Beneath it all I know that I have the potential to be the person I want to be. And I hope that I am never fully satisfied.

"It is better to be a human being unsatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates. unsatisfied than a fool satisfied." (John Stuart Mill)

Thanks James. :) G'night everyone.