spellbound in the night 🌙

[008] i want it to be saturday everyday.

Sat, 30 Mar 2024 23:26:13 GMT

Saturdays are my favorite day of the week by far. It's the "finally I'm off work, and tomorrow I still don't have to work!" day. I think it's the one day where I don't feel some level of stress at any given moment.

It's been a really lazy day, which is what I needed. The only thing I did was go to get my eyebrows done this morning, and then when I got home I tried hooking the charger up to the car, but it didn't seem to be doing anything. I think the charger is just a piece of shit (it's a no name brand I found on Amazon) so I ordered a legitimate one from AutoZone and it's going to be here on Monday. I just wanted to get the damn car started, if I can get it to run then the rest of the stuff is easy. If I can't, it's going to stay a giant paperweight til whenever I can get it started.

I've been listening to the Studio 54 station on XM and 2 of my favorite DJs on there will get me through til the time I go to bed; Sir Charles and Jellybean Benitez. It's gonna be a good night.

[007] a belated friday five.

Sat, 30 Mar 2024 15:38:32 GMT

Apparently this didn't get posted til after I went to bed last night, so here is a Saturday edition of the Friday Five. I remember doing this on LiveJournal, so when I stumbled upon the community here, I had to join.

1. Rice or potatoes? I like both equally, but I would probably choose potatoes if you said I'd have to pick one to stay alive lol.

2. Fish or red meat? Fish.

3. Salad or cooked vegetables? Cooked vegetables.

4. Cake or ice cream? Cake.

5. Water, soft drink, wine, beer, or hard alcohol? I usually drink water, be it plain, sparkling water, or mixed with Propel powder. Vanilla Coke Zero is my favorite beverage treat though. I used to drink beer often and loved trying new local ones, but I'm on meds I can't mix alcohol with so I can't anymore.

[006] i never remember what number i'm on.

Fri, 29 Mar 2024 02:51:13 GMT

Laughing at myself because I'm struggling to remember single digit numbers, it's going to get real fun when I hit triple digits!

I had horrible insomnia last night and didn't get to bed til after 3am. My alarm goes off at 6:45am, so work was a hot mess and I ended up taking the afternoon off. I was semi-productive, I got an actual layout set up here. All I had before was a default template, and I had the overhaul itch. It turned out perfect because it's just like the layout I had set up on Wordpress. I know I have a screenshot of the Wordpress version somewhere, if I find it I'll share.

I feel like the insomnia is going to continue tonight, and if it does, I will end up completely delirious tomorrow. I think I've gotten maybe 12 hours of sleep since Monday. I miss sleep, we were good friends but suddenly it fell off. What's that all about? In all seriousness, despite the insomnia, it seems like my mood has stayed steadily in the neutral range. I have a call with the NP tomorrow to check in on how this dose is going, and that's good because now I have something positive to report. I feel like I deserve a gold star!

I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. It's been a long week and I need the break.

[005] can a wednesday be like a monday?

Thu, 28 Mar 2024 04:52:25 GMT

Today wasn't much better than yesterday in terms of functioning, but I wasn't expecting much in that regard. I was pleasantly surprised at this being day 3 of feeling okay mentally. I think I described it as feeling neutral earlier, and that is such a difference than what the baseline was for the past few months. I still have everything crossed that this trend continues.

Next weekend I will be dogsitting one of my friend's dogs, she hasn't met mine before but she lives with 2 other dogs normally so hopefully it will be an easy intro. She is very sweet and I am looking forward to the added chaos she'll bring, things have been pretty stagnant here. I think my younger pup will enjoy having a dog closer in age that he can play with.

I finally checked the extended forecast and the weekend should be a decent temperature. I am going to try to charge the battery on the project car because I'd like to get it started over the weekend. It's been sitting a really long time so it may or may not participate. We'll see how it goes. I have vinyl wrap for it but I need it to be in the 70s to do it, and I don't know if that'll happen before my surgery next month. If not, I'll have to wait til at least mid-summer, and if it's anything like last summer, it will be a bad time. The humidity rivaled what I experienced visiting Memphis in August, it was wild.

[004] the mondayest tuesday.

Wed, 27 Mar 2024 21:00:52 GMT

Today did not go as planned at all. Last night I couldn't fall sleep until 12:45am-ish and then I got woken up a half hour later because something knocked down the power lines and it went out. The cat started crying, I guess he was scared because it was so dark compared to normal, but that's what woke me up. He didn't stop until it came back on an hour and a half later, so I slept maybe 4.5 hours at most. If I don't sleep at least 7 hours I am barely functional, so it was not a good day.

The temperature dropped from 58°F to 35°F over the past couple of hours and it is very windy, so each time I let the dogs out it felt worse. I keep refraining from looking at the extended forecast because I don't want to be disappointed if this winter-like weather is going to continue throughout. I am hoping for a pleasant surprise and that it'll warm up again before the end of the week. The past week has been so gross.

I don't want to jinx it, but today is the second day in a row where I feel okay mentally. Negative thoughts aren't at the forefront of my mind, so I am going to assume that it's tied to the meds again. I'm crossing my fingers and toes that it continues being this way because I need a win somewhere. This would be an exceptionally good win.

[003] monday, monday, can't trust that day.

Wed, 27 Mar 2024 21:00:11 GMT

Today wasn't all that bad. I am wiped, don't get me wrong, but I was able to get a lot done at work despite the brain fog. My to-do list is still a bit long, but baby steps and progress are always a good thing. I only have a couple meetings tomorrow so if I can repeat today's progress, I might even be able to get caught up!

The temperature was decent today though it was rainy for most of it. I absolutely love being able to keep the window open, and as an added bonus, I will get to sleep that way because it's only going to drop to 51°F tonight. I should sleep like a very cozy baby.

Today is the second day of the higher Wellbutrin dose, and while it's too soon to know if it's going to be effective, the way today went is a good sign. I really hope that this is it because I have been trying meds and different doses since June of last year and I'm running out of steam to keep trying.

I suddenly just remembered that I have my custom mood themes from LiveJournal saved still. I made one of The Who myself and downloaded a couple others posted in a community. Time to figure out if they use the same kind of script to add them on here. Wee!

[002] another lazy sunday.

Wed, 27 Mar 2024 20:59:35 GMT

Today has been very lazy as per my usual, but the brain fog has been really bad, so it feels like it's been a really long day. I am having trouble remembering what was from today and what was from yesterday. I really hate living like this but I haven't found anything that helps my memory yet. I have some focus supporting vitamins that I am going to try to take regularly starting tomorrow. I hope it makes a difference.

It was cold all weekend, which was especially unfortunate because it was very sunny. The tease of warm weather we'd seen earlier this month feels like it was so long ago, and it makes the urge to be able to sit outside again even stronger. I think being out there helps in some ways, at least with being more present in my mind. The memory issues remain regardless, but it feels nice to be less foggy in my head even if just for a short duration.

I wanted to catch up on work at some point this weekend but I couldn't force myself to do it. It's 10 minutes to 8pm now and my brain is definitely in a "hell no" mood. I'd like to believe I'll sign on a bit early to do it then, but I already know I'll end up saying "fuck it" tomorrow.

The cat just came over and laid on my face, I can barely see the screen so I guess I'm ending here!

[001] this is a new adventure for me.

Wed, 27 Mar 2024 20:59:01 GMT

I haven't have a public account on a LiveJournal derivative in years. It feels weird but it's well worth the functionality I gain by using this for my journal over WriteFreely. For one, I am writing this using the LJ client I have used for 20+ years, Semagic. I fucking love Semagic. Seriously. I also have a much more robust tag and calendar system than even WordPress had. It's a win-win.

I didn't take my ADHD med nor my anti-depressant most of this week. I just couldn't get myself to go to the pharmacy (obviously the anti-depressant is working well /s). I was able to finally get them today when my mom went there for groceries. At the rate I was going, I probably would not have gotten them before they cancelled the orders. I wanted to go away for the weekend in hopes of getting out of this funk I've been in for a few weeks, but it snowed a lot by my parents' place and I figured dealing with that would be much worse than being stuck in this house, especially because the snow we got here was gone within a couple hours. They got like 6 inches. No thank you.

I've been watching movies I love most of the day in hopes that will help. I have felt better, but I don't know if it's superficial or if it will last. Hopefully the latter.