ღ☆moving back maybe™☆ღ

-&& twenty-seven ღツ

Fri, 16 May 2008 22:52:39 GMT

yeah... so I got bored.. :]]

-&& twenty-six ღツ

Sat, 03 May 2008 20:00:50 GMT

Well, it's May 3rd now but on May 1st it was Beltane. So hope anyone who celebrates it had an amazing celebration. I know I did. :]] I'm really sorry I'm slacking on reading my friends lists along with posting. I just recently (April 30th) moved into me and Shay's first apartment that is in our name. No more us rooming with friends or people and paying rent! We are now set with our very own apartment. I should have everything hung up and set up by Sunday night (since we're waiting until Sunday to move the rest of the furniture). However as I'm living there my mom is going to buy me more and more furniture, and ones that fit the apartment better at that. Once things are a little more set up I'll take pictures and post them for everyone to see. The beautiful apartment and my kitty.

Luckily they are nicer then the Village which are the cheapest apartments around as far as I know. They are also really well known for being huge with drugs and drug dealers. So me and my sheltered self kinda shy away from that stuff. So for $50 - $75 extra I get a dishwasher and a much much much bigger apartment. :]] I loooove it. Squee! Mwahaha. Anyways, aside from that, me and Shay haven't been spending much time together unfortunately. I'm working 40+ hours a week and he's working late nights so he's asleep while I'm up and getting ready and I'm asleep when he's getting ready for work. But we still have at least 4-5 hours together a day. It's not so bad, actually it is making where I actually go to work in time and such. However, it's working good right now.

I hope everyone is doing well though and that everything is okay. On a side note, I've lost about 20lbs so far! I'm doing really well on my weight loss like I wanted which makes me super excited. I'mma sad panda though because I finally went through all my clothes and picked out what I don't wear, that doesn't fit or I don't like anymore and have gotten rid of three HUGE garbage bags worth of clothes that I am now giving away to charity. Which makes me feel good inside. I wanna start doing some volunteer time in the community. I really like helping others or helping out around town.

I saw a really sad video on Youtube today. My friend sent it to me. It's called snake baby. It's about children that are born with diseases that cause them to look literally like snakes. Their skin sheds and there are a lot more symptoms but if I get into it again I'll start crying again. Very few of these babies survive past infants. Even more rarely survive to adult hood. The part that scares me the most is that most people can be carriers of this disease and if both parents are carriers one in every four of their kids will be definately affected with it. That right there scares me. I kept crying earlier because I hate seeing people suffer like that or know that such things are happening. Makes me want to just take the pain onto myself so they can live a good, healthy life. Honestly I just want to see everyone be happy and healthy and it killed me watching that video.

I need to get off this sad note though. I'm really tired from the all nighter I pulled two nights ago unpacking and sorting everything in the apartment. Now I need to go get some coffee so I can make it through the rest of the day. Once again, hope everyone is doing well and I promise once I am back to my old schedule and getting better rest I'll make sure to catch up and remain attentive! :]]

-&& twenty-three ღツ

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 14:43:51 GMT

I'm so tired lately. Between this week and next week I'll have worked around 100 hours. And between this week alone I've sold about almost four thousand dollars alone in the first week of the month, which normally takes me usually a month. Which means when I get commission for April next month, oh god will it be sweet. My goal is to hit ten thousand dollars this month. Which means I'd get an extra five hundred on my paycheck, so I'd be really happy because that'd help me catch up on bills and such.

Two nights ago me and Shay had a really bomb ass date night. We went to Pizza hut for some Pizza then scooted off to Emagine to go see the movie The Ruins. Which by the way is an amazing movie. I really did enjoy it at some points. The gore was really graphic, and this is coming from someone who for a human anatomy final had to dissect a cat. I was very upset about have to dissect a cat but I had to, and once I got into it, it's interesting to see what connects to what and how it works. The only thing that freaks me out is I have a really over active imagination which caused me to think anything that moved was going to eat/infect me. I won't go into anymore detail because I don't want to ruin anything for anyone.

After that we got a call and went up to Denny's with Blake since we were meeting up with some people we haven't talked to in a while that are Shay's friends. I'm not a personal fan of the people, but that's just due to their actions towards me. They are friends of Shay's so I'm civil and nice, but that's about it. We thought we might have been going to a party, but that was cancled. So instead we went home, but as usual, my awesome roommate wanted to have sex with his girlfriend so we had to leave at 2 am for at least an hour (and when we came back he still wasn't done which is suck junk). While we were out we went to McDonalds because Blake was hungry and wanted to get food from his work. While there I had missed a call, from an Indiana number. I was kinda confused and before checking to see if they left a voicemail I called back.

Other person: Hello.
Me: Hi, I just recieved a call from this number?
Other person:Yeah what's up baby, I saw you at the bar last night.
Me: ... who is this?
Other person: Come on don't play like that, I was all up in your vagina.
Me: (during that whole thing..) who is this..? seriously.. who is this?

Shay took the phone then and started talking to the guy. He wouldn't respond. He apparently hung up. I checked for a voicemail and boy ever was there one. Talking all about how he was gonna eat me out and it'd sound like this, how fat bitches need loving to, how he knows I'm over 380 but that's okay (which kinda upset me.. made me almost want to just stop eating..) and ontop of it all made it known in the very start of the voicemail that he knew I was Shay's fiance.

So Shay called back. He called him out on who he was and apparently some of Shay's own friends were there (like Mike Vance and Sheldon) who were calling him out and talking shit about him. We are like, 100% sure that Kelsi was there, you can kinda hear her at the end of the voicemail. And we know for a fact that Emily and Tiffany were there as well. The funny part is that yesterday I called Grandma Karen for advice on it all (you see Kelsi has been pulling this kinda shit since October and just recently apologized so I expected it to be done.) and then tried calling Kelsi. Her cell phone was off so I called her home phone, her dad said she wasn't there, that she had stayed the night at Tiffany's. So I nodded, knowing that she was there now.

I called Kelsi later to talk to her about it. She at first tried telling me she stayed home that night to clean her room. Then I mentioned what her dad said. She suddenly remembers then that she had gone to Tiffany's at midnight about. And I ask her about last night then and the voicemail I got and she claims that she had nothing to do with it. That she gave her phone to Tiffany so she could call her mom if she needed a ride back. The funniest part is that Kelsi has a car. And drives. So I know she was there. That and once I got called, her phone was shut off. Oh and Tiffany AND Emily both have their own phones. Why need Kelsi's? So I know now that she's giving out my number or letting people get it who want to call and screw with me.

I'm not quiet sure what all to do right now. I'm just kind of annoyed. Grandma Karen said I should try to talk it out with Kesli. I know towards the man who called me at least I'm pressing harassment charges. Along with possibly on Kelsi too. I really want to get a PPO against Kelsi from contacting me anymore or coming anywhere near me. Because of all this shit, Shay doesn't want to go down and visit his own family anymore. Because Kelsi wants to be such a dumb little wench he doesn't want to even think about going down there again. So what does that mean? That means that more then likely, Kelsi is going to get in a lot of shit real soon.

Other then that, I'm really tired. Work was slammed yesterday and my boss was here most the day. Thank god my mother comes back tonight so she'll be back at work tomorrow. That makes me feel so much better. I have so much work around the house to do ontop of it all. I'm also going to fiddle around for a part time job working midnight shifts or something for some extra cash. I need something though. Other then that, I hope that everyone else is having a better weekend then me. Only plus side has been better weather! :]] Ciao folks!

ch-ch-check it out. :]]]

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 22:36:24 GMT

Hey girls ;* A friend of mine referred me to this site.. its pretty much like PayPal, its free.. except you get $25.00 just for signing up & I get $10 for referring a friend (or if you refer a friend, you get $10, also!) so sign up!! There's nothing to lose ;D

OH AND THIS OFFER ENDS APRIL 15TH SO MAKE SURE IF YOU WANT TO SIGN UP, YOU DO IT BEFORE THEN

(yes, country referred me.. it's all her fault. XD)

-&& twenty-two ღツ

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:25:55 GMT

Friday Five

1.   Where can you get some really good pancakes?
      My house. My dad makes amazing pancakes. Especially with apples and cinamon in them. :]]
2.   How do you like your pancakes?
      I like them that nice golden brown colour, not burnt but not under cooked.
3.   What’s your theory on why restaurant waffles are so much more expensive than pancakes?
      -.-' I say just because they aren't flat and you need an iron instead of a grill. Damnable good tasting things!!
4.  The pancake chef is going whip up a batch of the most interesting, creative pancake invention you can imagine.
      What will you order?
      Bananas with walnuts .. that or apple cinamon. Oh god they are good.
5.   When was the last time someone made you pancakes, not counting visits to restaurants?
      Last Christmas when my ex was here, my dad made them for christmas breakfast. I miss that..

Thankful Thursday
(I didn't have time to do it yesterday, sorry!)

1.    I am so incredibly thankful that it's finally starting to wam up. Come on 60 on Sunday!
2.    Having a fiance like Shay'den.. just wow. I don't know how I landed such an amazing man, but I am the luckiest
       girl in the world for just having him in my life alone.
3.    To all my new awesome friends that I've made on my friends list, you are all such amazing people. Especially a
       certain one of you who's really been talking to me a lot lately and has been amazing to me with listening and
       understanding. For you alone dear, I'm making an honorcup graphic for you. ♥
4.    Even though me and my parents have had a rough past and still fight from time to time, I'm really grateful for the
       family I have, because they are the only family I've got and no matter what we'll always love each other. And that's
       what family is for. To love and be there for each other as we are.♥
5.    Shay && Blake. Thank you. Thank you for helping me out so much while I've been working a lot by keeping the
       apartment clean. Without you two helping me I'd probably be a mess right now. You two are amazing. :]]

So yesterday was pretty interesting. I worked with my boss all day. He's coming back today. Maybe if I'm lucky he'll bring the checks with him so I can get paid on our actual pay day. ~~Unless he's moved that to monday since he seems to never give us our actual checks until monday or tuesday after pay day thanks much.~~ Other then whining about shitty weather I don't really have much else to say today. I'm in just a kinda somber and quiet mood. Maybe I'll update later tonight or something. :]] Hope everyone else is having a good day and hopefully better weather then Michigan!

-&& twenty-one ღツ

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 01:18:45 GMT

1] Once you've been tagged you have to make a post about 6 weird habits, quirks or just facts about yourself, proving you're just as big of a freak as the person who tagged you.
2] In the end you need to list 6 other people to tag and put their names in your entry.

1. I don't know why.. but popping zits is really interesting to me. D:
2. I think it's funny to constantly smack my friend Blake.. lol. Though he is retarded sometimes.
3. I am terrified of needles but want lots of tattoos and piercings.
4. I'm really messy when I'm in the kitchen. (me too! and it always gets smokey most times.. though I'm getting better!)
5. I love meeting new people and being social but I'm so nervous and scared to get out of my safe zone that I usually just stay quiet.
6. I bicker about small things because I am scared of being happy (I think at least).
Tagging:resiliency, thisonething, sandglass, freckle, aerith, && sehnsucht

-&& twenty ღツ

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 21:39:07 GMT

dear roommate,

please chip in for food. you eat here too, don't say you don't. be more considerate to what other people like to eat and how to cook it, rather not get sick. stop blowing all your money on video games and doing nothing but pissing me off. also please clean up after yourself and do your laundry sometime soon, it's starting to smell. thanks.

a very unhappy and broke/hungry roommate.

dear customers,

I would really appreciate if you don't all flood in all at once just because Denise is gone thinking you can take advantage of me. I'm not dumb. I'm her kid. I know how to check your records to see you're lying. Please stop yelling at me and calling me a liar just because you think you can bully me. I'm 20, not 2. I won't cry and run away. I will say thanks for your buisness and sorry we couldn't help you.

a very annoyed sales associate.

dear best friend,

you practically live at my apartment. help clean up. help with food. stop indulging on things that aren't neccessary and more of a luxury or stop eating my food and running up my bills.

a slightly disappointed best friend.

dear world,

please please please give shay a job soon. this is starting to really become ridiculous. he didn't even do anything wrong. seriously. why are you doing this to us? we want to make it. please?

a very worried fiance.

dear drama starters,

dropping this all would be nice finally. continuing to harass or shit talk only proves how immature you are and that you are bothered. really this is stupid. drama as a whole is stupid. is it really worth it to act like this and drag other people in? sweet baby jesus just give it up.

a very tired/done with all drama individual.

Sorry about that. I would post them in that community but I got banned for spamming. Yes computer spazzing. It's either that or someone had my password. But I fixed that problem either way. I think while I'm at work alone lately I'll be posting a lot. Hope no one is bothered by that. Other then Shay though, is anyone else really reading these entries? If not I'll just lock them down for just Shay and leave random ones out for people. I don't want to waste peoples friends page or bore them to tears.

-&& nineteen ღツ

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:23:40 GMT

Finally some down time today at work. Since I opened there was a gentleman sitting outside waiting. I was really confused, due to the fact that no one really does that for this store, especially over 15 minutes before it opens being here before even I got here. (random note there are now a bunch of men in suits walking outside my store now, looking as if they're from the funeral home down the street... oookay life..) The first gentleman that I helped today who was waiting outside wants his shoes exchanged, again. He's done this once before. About every 3-5 months now comes in complaining that the bottom of the soles are completly gone. Especially in the ball of the foot, where the spring is. Now, he's a truck driver and is on the road of a month or two at a time straight. Don't you think that could cause the wearing in that specific area? He brought these shoes in and they looked wrecked. I explained that I can't do returns or exchanges without manager approval first. So now I'm waiting on my mom's plane to land (since they finally left this morning for Arizona) so I can get the go ahead or a suggestion for the man. He's already done two return/exchanges though, so she might just so eff him and move on.

Then when I had a moment of down time, Renee called to talk to me. (Yay lesbian mom who I love so much!) We chatted for a bit. I told her about the arguement I had with my parents last night, which led to two hours of me crying hearing that I'm nothing but a fat whore basically that is going no where in life unless I move back home. But I can't move back home. They smother me and bitch I'm out too much or never go out at all. They always make attacks on me, the people I hang out with, and the guy I'm dating. My dad especially. He tries to belittle me into submission to give in. Then him, who has been over weight for 20 years at least, told me I need to lose weight because I'm too fat. Well sorry. Sorry I eat due to stress and emotional issues and that you're not helping the very issue you want me to correct right now. Shay's noticed I do that though so he's been keeping an eye on my emotional status and eating habits so I don't spiral out of control. Like last night I'd have drowned myself in McDonald's fries if I had my way. (He's also helping me get away from drinking so much pop. So yay 2 liters of water a day again!)

After I talked to Renee though about tons and tons of things this really cute Japanese lady came in to get shoes for her mom that she's taking back to Japan with her. She said me and my mom were so nice she was going to bring us back things from Japan. She's so cute. I still want to go to Japan when I graduate college with Blake like we planned a few years back. I was iffy for a while but I really want to do that. (Right before we move to California baby!) And Shay is still all with going on the China trip with me up at GVSU that some old friends of mine told me about. I want to go primarily because I love traveling and I've heard so much about it. Plus with China slowly rising to be a bigger world power it'd be in my best interest to not be ignorant like others and learn about the people, the culture and the language. (Though Blake is going to teach me Japanese and we're going to learn it more fluently together because he loves Japan and the language, has since highschool.)

By the way, the cutest 81 year old lady came in here. I swore with the way she talked and dressed she seemed so much younger, like maybe 60 something. She was so sweet. I love old people and children. You can learn so much from both of them. Aside from that some crazy person thought it was a good idea to mess with the parking lot by running over a huge curb that seperates the two parking lots. Wow special people. Impatient much? Then agian our parking lot is packed, might have been their only way out since everyone seems to want to be blocking everyone else in. D:

I got my peasant skirts back from my house finally. I got them back in my senior year. One is white, one is brown. I usually only wear them in the summer but lately I've been feeling so icky and fat I haven't wanted to dress cute. I went running this morning though and I'm going to go running twice a day. Plus I'm cutting back on what I'm eating and how much, and taking pop out of the picture completly except for on occasion since that was my biggest problem really. So yay this summer being tan and cute! :]] I'll slowly post pictures as I lose weight for everyone to ~~be blinded by~~ see my progress as I lose the weight and see my cute new clothes as I get them. Mom also is fussing at me to keep my nails long and get manicures and pedicures regularly so I look more presentable. I'm having internal issues battling with my inner tomboy side that I've had since I was young, but I want to look better for myself and for Shay.

Yesterday was pretty interesting though. Me and Shay got his mom, grandma karen, my best friend blake and his sister all in really good practical jokes that ranged from us being in jail to us being in a really bad car accident. We were laughing for hours about it. It's the first year I've ever really pulled a practical joke. Though now grandma karen will probably eat me alive next time I go down to Indiana. @___@ Lol. It was funny though, and she thought she was safe because she stayed home! Mwahaha!

I think I'm gonna go to Borders later tonight or tomorrow night after I get home and go for my evening run to check out some books about Native American tales and some of the more spiritual books about them. That and some of the Egyptian lores and gods. I used to be very into the Egyptian patheon at one time then just kinda lost it along the way and haven't really reconnected with another pantheon yet. Need to start getting back into a more spiritual path. I think I'll add to my morning routine now meditation outside for at least 20 minutes. On days when the weather is bad at least in front of an open window. I love feeling the wind and breeze. Though the sun feels amazing today as well. Thank you Michigan for the sunshine back. :]]

Wow customers have been pouring in today. Yet I'm only at like $500 in sales. Because the ones that come in are asking about returns and such or have a really tight budget. Thank you economoy so much. I'm hoping I do really well while my mom is gone though so she doesn't fuss that I can't handle myself alone if she ever wants to go on vacation again. It's kinda nice, not as boring as I thought it'd be to take care of the store. Anyways, I'm gonna quit rambling now and I'll post later.

Shay, if you read this baby, I love you & miss you. Hope you had a good sleep after I left and that you're having a great day. As for everyone else, I hope you have an awesome day as well! :]]

-&& sixteen ღツ

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 04:33:06 GMT

Today has really been a great day. Seriously. I am so happy with everything that's gone on today. I've made some really awesome new friends who though I've just met them I already love them dearly because they even without having ever spoken to me before have given me more support and reassurance then I could have ever imagined. So to my new friends on scribbld. Thank you. Thank you for being an awesome group and wonderful people.

Aside from that, I started playing a really sweet game, it's kinda Final Fantasy style, but has a lot of good quotes and philosophy. It's called Lost Odessy or something like that. I really enjoy it though, it's a really fun game and the dream sequences he goes through have such poetic and beautiful ways of looking at life that are really true. It makes me want to go to a party and spark up conversations about it while enjoying a drink to probe peoples minds on their theories and bounce ideas off each other. That's something I miss doing. I loved doing that in Texas, going to a party and talk about life, death, religion and everything with random people and people I knew. It's rewarding to learn what others see and feel along with share your own beliefs or things you agree with.

Shay has that interview tomorrow, I'm really excited for him. Though work is gonna start sucking when mom leaves and I'm there alone with no one to talk to. However, dad is taking my car in tomorrow for an estimate to get the few facial damages fixed and my anti-lock brakes. I'm kinda skiddish because he always fusses it's not being taken care of good enough when it's basic wear and tear or things I didn't do. I don't wanna fight with him before they go on this trip and I'm worried he will try to. He always does, but then again most of that is my fault as well due to how I react to him. He's doing great with his weight loss though. I'm so proud of him and happy he finally did this. (Now if only I could do as well as he is... I wanna lose weight too! D:)

A quick side note. Some people seem to still be repeating everything I say. Yes, this is a mostly public journal, but seriously, leave me alone please? Be it the people that are getting the information or the ones giving it. All you're doing is stirring up more drama and causing everyone else to be miserable. I'm really tired of it, so please, just leave it alone. If you want to be my friend, be my friend, if you only can be theirs, that's cool. Just either leave me alone or let it all go and stop adding to it. Finne with that right there.

I'm out of code red, that makes me sad. It helps get my cramps to lessen. And they have been pretty bad this time. I think it's more from emotional issues and stress from drama. Hopefully soon it will all be settled. I'm thinking my next day off after a week straight of work I'm going go see my horse. I miss spending time with him, it was always relaxing. I wanna try to see if I can't get some friends together to go out there with me. I love teaching people about horses or riding or even just showing them around. I'm proud of what I know and then being able to share it. Be it showing around town, sharing memories, or teaching them something new. It's a great feeling to express my talents and abilities and bounce them off other people and learn theirs. Learning new things is seriously an awesome feeling. Life is all about learning and I really hope to absorb all I can and be very well rounded in the end. :]]

I'm all rambled out though. I'll post some more later. Hope everyone else is having a wonderful day/night and continues to do so. && that it hopefully will finally stop snowing and being bi-polar weather nation wide! Come on sun and summer!

-&& fifteen ღツ

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 15:22:55 GMT

You know what's hard to do sometimes? Just let go. Let go of everything and realize all you did was waste your time. Waste your emotions and yourself on something that no matter what you did, never worked. Was never good enough. It's hard to just let go of years of friendship without trying to fight for it. But it's hard to be the only one fighting and the only one period when you're trying to get a group back. That's the lessons in life though. Teaching you and culturing you through lessons and trials. So I chalk this one up, make my peace with it and move on with life but keep the memories.

I'm extremly glad all contact is finally cut. At least I hope they adhere to it and stop stalking me or having their friends stalk me. It's really creepy and unsettling. And them doing it then calling is starting shit because it pisses me off, but no contact so I can't say anything, but Shay says I need to stop just taking all this shit. So I finally said something. I went off and was done with it. Everything of theirs is gone from all my messengers, and my life. I feels better, having nothing reminding me anymore. There's always the memories, but nothing else.

For the life of me I couldn't get to sleep yesterday. At all. Shay fussed at me a bit for it. I didn't end up passing out until it was after 4 am. I'm just so frazzled about it all. Everything that hit me yesterday. Frazzled that people want to tell me how well I know someone and what they would or wouldn't do. Confused as to how this vicious circle keeps happening and why. Take things as they come though. Those things aren't the issue, nor should I be spending my time thinking about it all.

I feel like I missed out a lot on life due to the way I was in highschool lately. I'm active and go out a lot but I don't know how to just let loose and have fun. Which is why I like this quote so much. "High School is like the first chapter of your life story that takes years to finish. So why wait until the last chapter to make your life count when you can start making it worth while now. Don't waste your time on people that dont treat you right and dont miss out on the moments that you will charish forever. Keep your true friends close and dont let go because you never know whats gonna be on the next page. Always remember that your life story takes years to make but only seconds to end. So forget about what other people think of you and be who you truely are because once you've written your novel theres no erasing it. "

Starting today I'm starting to take the small steps to stop being so closed off and start being the person I am more often instead of scared and putting up a front. I've said it a lot, and made small steps all along. But they have to carry over to my actions now, not just me talking. I need to be more spontanious and scared of being hurt again. Because all that's doing is pushing away the wonderful people I have in my life. I really do love all of you. You stand by me through all the shit in my life and help me where you can. I really have the most amazing friends in the world. And the most amazing man as my fiance. Thank you all.

I'm gonna go for a run now though and do some of my sit ups and push ups. Today's a new day, and I'm gonna make a fresh new start for life. :D Hope everyone else is having a awesome day and is doing great. I'll try to post something later if I can.

-&& fourteen ღツ

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 07:15:50 GMT

I kept promising to post this, so here it is finally. My ring that Shay proposed to me with for people to see. :]]] Heads up, taken with a phone so not all that great. Plus there are seven so be careful! LJ cut is being funny, I will try to fix it later. It's late and Shay is fussing I need to be to bed.

-&& twelve ღツ

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 21:07:50 GMT

Mm. Yes. That icon is of my sexy fiance. Mwahaha. I love his body. Me and Shay have been doing really well lately. I need to get better at not being so easily upset about stupid things though and just start to let things roll off and ignore them. I'm still really emotional, to a point that's not really healthy for me. But the thing is that so many people are doing small things that annoy me and it all adds up and then I just snap. And I don't wanna make a fuss about the small things to everyone, but when they all add up from them all collectively then it makes me go crazy in a sense.

Like for instance Mom and Dad (my lesbian parents, they are awesome. Renee && Karen, Renee being mom, Karen being dad) everytime they call Shay's phone ask to talk to me. Or whenever we're on our way over, or leave to go get something real fast they always want us to pick up things for them as well and then pay us back, kinda, most times, when we get there. It just is small things over time that's like, If you wanna hang out with us, then hang out with us. Don't turn us into your personal pack mules or errand runners.

My long huge rant btw about my roommate and why he sucks so much, I'm just letting go because it's not worth it. Especially when he asks why I hate him, I try to explain myself and he still doesn't get it. I kinda am just giving up and not caring anymore. Because there is no reason for me to keep trying to get along with someone so bad that really is a messed up combination of me and Shay. He's a total sarcastic ass at all times but is such an emotional litlte emo whiner.

I'm gonna pause now though and update later tonight because I have company over now and don't quiet wanna get all the rest off my chest just yet. Hope everyone else is having a better day then me. :D

-&& eleven ღツ

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:41:59 GMT

Friday Five:

1. What have you sold? Um, I've only ever really sold things like in a garage sale, or old video games/my PS2 because I never played or used them.

2. What do you want to change? Things that I have wrong with my personality, like flaws or things I don't react the right way to because I'm really emotional. That and my weight. For serious. Need to not be so fat anymore. D:

3. What does your answering machine / voice mail message say? "Hey everyone, it's me Melissa, I'm either at work, in class or hanging out with my friends... or forgot to turn my phone back onto ring after I left class so it's still on silent, so leave me a message and I'll get back to you soon." Something along those lines at least.

4. Where did you go to school? Our Lady of Sorrows for Elementary. Novi Middle School. Novi High School. Now I'm at Schoolcraft College and eventually transferring to GrandValley. : D

5. Friday fill-in:
If you'd like to reach me, ______.
If you'd like to reach me, then ask for my phone number or email address. Lol.

-&& ten ღツ

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 22:35:27 GMT

So first and foremost. I'm at work right now, there is an hour left in my schedule for today and I'm bored. What did I do when bored? I thought getting on scribbld would be a good idea. Like "hay, let's check my journal && see what people might have said". Yeah. That'd be cool. If it didn't eat the whole entry before that quiz. Literally. The whole thing. It's full of fail. So thanks scribbld. Even though I saw it posted at first and now you decided you're hungry so my life is tastey. Yeah.

I made icons for me and Shay of each other. I'm getting our user info's under way. Now I just need to find a layout I can input in the style area instead of in customization that has graphics on it. I'll credit the coding of course, but I wanna make my own graphics for me and Shay's layouts. And if anyone knows any good brushes for CS3 that'd be awesome.

Side note, it's snowing and that makes me uber sad. Michigan needs to stop being bi-polar and be summer already. Seriously, it makes me super sad that it's not catching up yet and it's still snowing and cold. I wanna be able to wear cute clothes and go outside to work out so I can lose my weight. I wanna be down to 130 lbs by the time my one year anniversary comes up with Shay. That gives me three months of hard, solid work outs. Even if I'm just more in shape body wise I'd be happy. By the time I'm 21 though I will be in shape, skinny, have all my piercings and tattoos I want along with tan && supa' cute. :D That's my goal and I will make it. I have amazing friends, family & a bomb ass fiance supporting me.

I've only been eating like yogurt for breakfast with something small, salad or an apple for lunch and then something nice and filling for dinner. My main thing is I need to cut back on the soda, seriously. That's what's killing me. I'm getting better at eating healthy and have cut out the fast food but it only does so much. And starting Monday I need to start getting up at 6 am everyday and work out so I can work out, shower, then be to work at 10 am, or even earlier from now on. And then go for walks with Shay in the evenings. I can do this. I know I can. I just have to make myself follow through with it all.

For an actual update as to my life (and yes I will post daily, at least once a day of how I'm doing and what's going on along with make sure to pay better attention to my friends page) last night we finally found Brawl to rent. It's amazing. Before I came into work luckily we beat story mode on normal. Me and Shay are gonna spend time together and start tackeling the harder settings now. He loves that game so I figure why not play it with him. I like it too. And I'm bomb ass as metaknight. Haha. We didn't get to bed until 6 am though, and I woke up at 10:30 am going "Well.. my back hurts.. awesome". But all in all it was awesome.

Later I have a huge rant I had written about things that have been bugging me with my roommate lately. He's just kinda learned the right ways to piss me off and it's really making me mad. I had it all typed out earlier but it got eaten. So tomorrow morning I will type it all. As for when I get off tonight I have to go hang out with some friends and then when I get home will probably have a huge lovely mess to clean up from my roommate. God he pisses me off. But I've been doing better with standing up for myself and saying things when they happen instead of sitting on them. I might walk off for a minute, but then I come right back and say "F-that, I don't deserve it, we both are wrong, but jesus, apologize to me because that was out of line." Yeah. Blake was taken back and not happy when I did that, but it all got solved.

Next week is gonna suck because Monday - Sunday I have to work open to close due to my mom being out of town visiting my grandpa. Who is doing much better by the way since his surgery. Dad's going with her. They'll be in nice, warm Arizona, making their already tan from tanning bed selves even more bronze. I hate them. I'm still pale. I need to go tanning. But she bought me some more clothes to make up for is so that works. She loves to spoil me, and I will fully admit I'm spoiled. :D

That's about it for now though, I'll post more tomorrow, or maybe even tonight depending. And I'll cut the rant incase anyone doesn't wanna see me being all angsty about it. Until then.

-&& nine ღツ

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 16:35:58 GMT

Find Out Which Disney Girl You Are!
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Belle

Dancing furniture, singing spoons, and a man who needs a serious haircut - sound familiar? Well it should! Belle was a very independent spirit with alot on her mind, much like you are! But in life, there is a needed balance - learn when to speak your mind, and when to hold it back. Sometimes offending someone isn't the best way to go!

Mulan

100%

Belle

100%

Jasmine

100%

Megara

83%

Jane

83%

Violet

83%

Pocahontas

83%

Ariel

83%

Snow White

67%

Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)

67%

Alice

67%

Tinkerbell

67%

Cinderella

67%

Esmerelda

50%

Oh and little side note, once a week, I got the idea off some old friends, I'm gonna do an mpfree, ie a free mp3 for people to download and listen to. This week it's gonna be Barlow Girls - Never Alone. :D I really lilke this song, hope you do as well! (Yes, sadly, this means after 7 days this file will be gone. D: Make sure to get it if you want it!)

-&& eight ღツ

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:19:51 GMT

My insperation was actually from a girl on Quizilla, her friend ditched her for other people and started calling her ugly names. So I thought of this! ^^

We use to talk everyday,
swore we'd never stray.
We were the best of friends.
but all good things must come to an end.
You replaced me for someone new,
but still I hung onto you.
You ditched me said you didn't care,
but if you needed someone I was there.
You left me, said move on.
So now I'm out of your life, I'm finally gone.
I acted like I did beacuse I cared,
but now I'll forget those times we shared.
We were the best of friends,
but all good things must come to an end.

-&& seven ღツ

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 19:03:53 GMT

Lots of things can be seen as beauty. Sometimes even faults or flaws in people. When you look at people, what do you see? Do you see their past? Their looks? Their amazing contributions to things or their faults? Or do you see it all and process it as a person? Everyone is different with how they think, how they feel, how they process. It's a long, grueling concept and transformation to make yourself into an adult. Into who you want to be.

I have the making it down pat. I can make the money, budget the bills and get by. I'm learning newer and better ways but I can do it. What I can't handle are the emotional concepts. I'm horrible with it. I'm so scared of being left behind I straight up push people away. I don't know why, nor does it make sense to me. And due to being neglected as a child by my parents unless it was negative reactions such as beating me, I'm used to things being either all about me or nothing about me. Because don'tcha know that if you're spouse is cheating on you or beating you that's all my fault for being born some how when you wanted me.

I have a lot of issues going on inside of me. And it's really time I opened up, burried the issues and moved on with them all. So that's what I'm going to start doing. I'm going to use this journal to crack open the walls I've burried myself in and get past them all and put them to rest. I really only will have two or three people reading this journal (two others will know but they are horrible with computers). Shay. Kerri. Blake. Those are the three strong holds of my life. They hold me up when I'm weak and are amazing friends. So this will be my journal for everyday life and my friends only enteries is for private reasons. No one else will ever see those entries or its contents. Nor do I want them to, because I honestly can't trust anyone else but those three. I also have a private journal for just me to work things out before I go to people about them so yeah. Before you friend me, know the gist of that and know that I'm not a perfect person, I'm a pretty big fuck up, and I'm a really messed up person sometimes but I mean well, love fiercly and will make myself into what I need to become. And those are the only people that know how to help me the way I need it and I have confidence that they can. I'll update later about my days, but for now, I need to go think and then start journaling.

-&& six ღツ

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:59:37 GMT

So here is a general update as to how I am doing. I know I fail at keeping in touch with people and honestly updating. I just find it hard to talk about myself. I rather hear about others and read about them, sadly. I re-did my user info for now. I'm in the process of making Shay's and getting his together along with making his icons and layout. I'm also going to make myself three layouts for each of my journals. My private, this one and my graphics journal. I'd love to just lock entries here but I forget sometimes so it's just easier to have a journal all for those because then I won't forget.

First off, my grandpa just got out of surgery literally five minutes ago. He had gotten not a normal bypass but a quadruple bypass. Which made me seriously freak. He was only supposed to have a single, maybe a double bypass. The reason this all came about was because he had a heart attack on Monday. He drove himself to the hospital and then from there was put in ICU. My family and I were just informed yesterday. I called him before he went into surgery. It was nice to hear from him. I was seriously worried. Now we just have to see how he takes to it all and how well he recovers.

Things are not going so well for me right now though. I'm really tight on money, like really tight. I have this whole check going towards bills and Shay's whole check going towards putting food in the apartment since we have none and gas for my car. After the next two checks I should have money again. Unless we go see his family for Easter which could put a strain on things then. Hopefully by the end of March we'll be caught up on all of our late bills and be on track again so by June we can get an apartment and start saving up more money. He needs to get more hours or another job. And I'm considering getting another job as well part time somewhere. I need more money, this is just not gonna cut it and if I have to go with little sleep for a month or two to get on track I will. I can't keep letting us go without food or gas like this.

That's about really all that is imperitive right now and I don't know what else to really say. I'm feeling better, he's sick right now, and I'm just worried. I don't know what to do or how to go about it all. I just really hope things work out and soon. Not much else to really say, I suppose. I'm not really in a journaling frame of mind.

-&& five ღツ

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 20:59:46 GMT

I know I didn't know him. I know I never met him. Never even heard much about him other then if he was able to give her a ride. But it still hits me just as hard as if I had that he died. I don't know why. I've always handled death funny. I never let people in to see how I truly take it. I feel numb or dead when people die, even if I never knew them because the people I know and love are hurting without them. I'm a bit angry as well though right now. I feel as though my feelings don't matter or are being disregarded. That's a much deeper issue that I have to work out myself before I talk to the person though. I know it was something small but it did bug me just because my frame of mind right now.

Me and Shay are doing okay. He fell yesterday while we were helping a friend move. Slipped on the concrete steps outside and slammed his back onto them as the dresser fell on him and hit him in the face. The steps broke as he was walking down them and he just slipped and fell back from there. His legs are numb. He's in a lot of pain. I'm not doing so hot either. I can't hold down food. I'm having to force myself to eat so people don't worry. I'm not sleeping much, if anything I'm laying there awake all night or pretending to sleep so Shay isn't up all night worrying. I'm kind of a wreck inside right now and am not much for conversation or company. Kind of feel like a zombie. But do I have a right to be hit so hard when I didn't know him? Do my feelings matter on it? I don't know. I feel I'm being rather stupid. I didn't want to post but I felt I almost had to so here it is. That's all. I'll talk again later when I feel more up to it. I need to write some things just for myself for now. This is a temporary hiatus then. I'll be updating my private journal until I work things out in my head better. I'm disabling comments because I don't wanna really talk about much right now concerning this. I am good for hanging out but inside I'm a wreck and need sometime to deal with that myself before I talk to many others about it or am able to hear what they are saying.

-&& three ღツ

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 21:16:26 GMT

So I kinda fail and life and haven't been posting lately. ( Sorry kirby please don't roast me! D: ) However I've just been kinda meh. PMS plus sinus isses made me a very angry panda. For serious. But I'm feeling much better which means time for me to whip my butt into shape and stop being such a fat, ugly little rollie-pollie. Yaaaaaaay! >_
> Please no one beat me for that. Lol.

Side note, I'm doing a lot better with being open and normal towards people again. I'm slowly starting to see that I can be myself and a great person without being scared of doing the wrong thing every five minutes. Thank you Pete for that extra added insecurity that my mother instilled in me at a young age. Because we all know I'm a huge pansy when it comes to things like that, but with my past who wouldn't be. Maybe one day I'll go into a full blown story of everything that has ever happened, but I'm nervous because most people go all she is just doing it for attention. Uh no. Blow me. I wouldn't fake about being raped or beaten for attention thanks. I could just be a skank and get it. Which I am not either. Yay STD free!

I am kinda mad at Shay's mom though. She's trying to fuck him over so he'll come back home. She's trying to ruin his credit and ruin things for him so it's hard for him to survive. Saying she paid bills she hasn't and such. He got a new hair cut today. Mwahah. He looks sexy as usual, then again I'm biased. I'm going to take pictures sometime soon of the ring and us to post. I swear considering I keep getting pestered by certain people to see the rock he put on my finger. : D

I talked to Pete yesterday. He told me a bunch of shit as usual about his side, I heard another version from Jewels and honestly, I think she's a nice girl and not bad. I know what he's done to me so her side seems more real and likely. Especially since he admitted he only said he loved her for brownie points and that she didn't cheat, he did. So I'm just kinda shrugging it off. I talked to Steven yesterday as well. He about had a fit on half of Texas for accusing me like Pete did for leaving him during boot camp when I didn't. He left me before he went in, sorry. I love Steven, he's a sweetheart and a great friend. I just feel bad sometimes because he likes me so much and I can tell but I don't feel for him at all. Poor guy. I really hope he finds a great girl to settle down with one day, he deserves it so so so much.

Last night was the grand opening at Shay's new job though. It was pretty cool. He's looking at getting a second job for a little while at least to pull in some extra money due to the bills getting us a little frazzled lately. But it's all good, we'll pull through, we rock like that. : D He works with Steph which is bomb ass because I can visit a friend and my amazing fiance at one which makes me uber excited. And he also might be getting a job with Yuna too which would also be awesome because then Steph, Megh, me & anyone else along for it could pester them at work too. Mwahaha.

I'm at work right now. Have another hour left. And I sold over a grand today which means $50 for me in commission which makes me a very excited and happy panda. : D Yay! right? Lol. After this I'm gonna go put some gas in my car ~~(and get some windshield washer fluid before Shay kills me)~~ then meet up with Yuna for some coffee and to work on her math with her while we wait for Steph and Shay to get off. That or kill time and get dinner somewhere with Steph, her and Shay and work on math then or something. Which I am slowly devising master plans of how to pay Steph back for all her generosity lately. D: She thinks I might fail but I won't. Mwahaha!

I miss Rikku and Gina though, a lot. They haven't called me lately which is strange and I fail at keeping in contact unless I see the people every single day. I know. I also miss talking to Sarah because we haven't talked in about a week, and Megh as well. But she's been busy with capstone so I'm waiting on her to call especially so I don't pester her. & Daecivar never calls me, or talks to me, which I'd like to change. I changed my MySpace this week, so it's even more amazing. And now I'm running out of things to chat about.

I haven't really been up to a lot lately. Just being with my amazing friends and fiance. Being there for whatever they need me for and kinda sucking at life with how grumpy I've been due to sinus issues and PMS all flooding me at once. But that's okay because it's all better now. And I'm working on breaking down more of my defenses and ignorance I hide behind and starting to improve myself. Plus getting off my lazy ass and working out more so I'm not so fat and ugly anymore. D: That's about it though, hope everyone enjoyed my little entry.

Oh and there is an expo of tattoo artists coming soon, I really wanna go and see about getting one soon, along with my belly pierced again too maybe. I just don't know what I want because I can't think of anything that fits me. Other then that, I am taking Wensday off to help Steph clean and get things set for her house, and part of tomorrow too. And I'm taking care of some other things Wensday as well. That's really about it. I hope everyone else is well, and for all the drama that's going on with people, honestly let it go. What matters more in life, fighting or loving? Enjoying the beauty you take for granted everyday or getting into it over the mundane and silly things in life? I really hope people will open their eyes soon and realize that nothing is worth all this pain and no one deserves it because everyone matters. I act like they don't sometimes but that's just because I'm trying to protect myself as much as those I love. I know, I fail. :D

`That that don't kill me, can only make me stronger.`

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 20:53:03 GMT

This is not right at all, I can't believe what these people are doing. Honestly this is some serious junk, as is this.
WBC To Picket Heath Ledger's Funeral. These people have no shame, they do not rest nor do they even know what they are fully talking about. I know to each their own, respect other religions and all of that, but jesus this is just excessive now. They need to tell the difference between reality and fiction.

The death of Heath Ledger yesterday hit me really hard. At a time when other girls my age were in love with Leonardo DiCaprio and N*SYNC, my main "celebrity crush" was Heath Ledger. I first saw him in "10 Things I Hate About You" and immediately fell for the smoldering bad boy. But as I grew older, I began to appreciate him for the fine actor he was and not just for his looks. I have never cried in a movie as hard as I did during his last scene in "Brokeback Mountain." I was really looking forward to seeing him play The Joker in the new "Batman" movie, since such a role would have shown a whole new side to his acting abilities. Plus even Jack Nicholas said that role can several mess with your head due to how dark it is. I was very excited to see how he would do in it.

So hearing this news today was like another punch in the gut (sorry for the Fox News link, but bear in mind Fred Phelps hates them too):

A radical Baptist church in Kansas known for picketing the funerals of soldiers who perished in Iraq said it intends to protest Heath Ledger's memorial service with signs claiming the actor died and is in Hell because he played a gay character in “Brokeback Mountain.”
Shirley Phelps-Roper of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka said that she and other members will picket Ledger’s United States memorial services, not those held in his native Australia.

Between this and what they do at soldier's funerals, these assholes have really tested my belief in the First Amendment. I guess it shouldn't come as any surprise that they're doing it, seeing as how they're so out of touch with reality that they can't distinguish between the actor and the fictional character.

It's often asked what the response to these people ought to be. Should we counter-protest and drown them out, or ignore them knowing that they thrive on media attention? I honestly don't know.

I guess the only thing you can do is try to set the better example, and wait for the day (and it will come) when the compromising photos/e-mails/phone calls of someone in the Phelps family show up.

-&& two ღツ

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:49:10 GMT

Alright. First and foremost.

I LOVE MY KIRBY!!! ♥

Now that I have that out of the way & how super amazing she is because she made a journal just to keep in touch with me.

Last night was a really good friend of mine's birthday. I was glad I was able to be around for it this year for him. He's always been like an older brother to me and I hope his birthday was amazing. I really wanted to make a surprise party but things didn't fall through the right way. But me & Megh & Shay all went and picked out a really awesome birthday cake for him and slathered it with candles. :D

Then we watched some movies last night. Dracula which was cool & has been decided I am kinda like Lucy Westerna from there, except I don't fuck wolves or air. @___@ But the core essentials of how we act is similar which makes me smile. It's nice to see the good aspects of who you are sometimes. Then we watched Hot Fuzz. Only part that sucked was when it kept failing to play the movies the right way. I wanna know the full ending of Hot Fuzz one day. Lol. But I'm just a bit retarded in the head sometimes.

Currently I'm kinda fussing, a close friend of mine online, who I won't mention who she is was apparently almost raped which strikes close to home with me let alone the fact that I'm scared she's letting it control her life though. She's scared to go out which means he's winning and I don't wanna see such a beautiful, smart and talented girl be held back by some asshole. But I am glad at least that she's back with the guy that she really loves because that makes me happy. I just really wanna help her but it seems that she's not fully ready for it because she's still not eating much, losing sleep and all that. And rape is one of those things that's truely personal and no one can fully help you through it but you. That and I wanna hurt the guy who tried to do it because you don't do that to women ever. Though Shay could just beat them up and it'd make him content and make him settled without fighting for a bit longer plus he'd be doing it for a good cause.

Also my dad has two teeth he needs a root canal on. Which is costing my parents $1600. Today. He just went to get them looked at because they hurt and he hates to see the doctors and that's what they said. So he's getting it done right now and she has to pay right now. So she's pissy he never goes to the dentist to take care of this ahead of time, he's pissy because he's in pain and some of their saved up moeny for remodeling the house is about to fly out the window so this is just not a good day for me to be around either parent. D:

I can tollerate mom but I'm gonna avoid my dad for at least a week. Just to be safe because I don't want him taking away my car, starting shit with me or trying to beat me because he's in pain. He can be an arse like that sometimes, but he's my dad so I tollerate it and stick around and love him. I just learn ways to work around how he can be so it's better for everyone all around.

Today also is Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras. Only in Michigan it seems we do Fat Tuesday the way we do with Paczki's. I love them though and my little fat ass if I could would eat tons all day. But I'm only eating one because I'm trying to lose weight and get skinny, especially by the time Spring comes around. Me and Shay have been poking around at doing a Handfastening since last night. So that's about the time we'd do it. I'm excited. It won't be anything legal by law that's binding. It's more so just for us to exchange how much we love each other and be bound together by that love and our devoution in our own religion before we start making steps towards doing it legally by what our parents want us to do.

Well, that's really about it. Starting tomorrow for Lent, by habit I always give something up, I'm going to stop eating such fatty foods and such, work out a lot more and start my life on a better track and foot.

Regardless of it all though, welcome to scribbld kerrisue (Kirby) & I love you for keeping in touch with me and always sticking by me through all of my stupid shit. & to my other best friend who's also like a sister to me, glowbug my other great friend from online, HoperZ. I love you two girls to death and don't know what I'd do without you two sometimes. ♥

I'll post sometime soon again. :D

-&& one ღツ

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 18:32:23 GMT

To all the varied peoples of the world nothing is so out of reach, yet so deeply personal and controlling, as the concept of god. My experience in my homeland showed me little of these supernatural beings beyond the influences of the vile drow deity, the Spider Queen, Lolth.

After witnessing the carnage of Lolth's workings, I was not so quick to embrace the concept of any god, of any being that could so dictate, codes of behavior and precepts of an entire society. Is morality not an internal force, and if it is, are principles then to be dictated or felt?

So follows the question of the gods themselves: Are these named entities, in truth, actual beings, or are they manifestations of shared beliefs? Are the dark elves evil because they follow the precepts of the Spider Queen, or is Lolth a culmination of the drow's natural evil conduct?

Likewise, when the barbarians of Icewind Dale charge across the tundra to war, shouting the name of Tempus, Lord of Battles, are they following the precepts of Tempus, or is Tempus merely the idealized name they give to their actions?

This I cannot answer, nor, I have come to realized, can anyone else, no matter how loudly they – particularly priests of certain gods – might argue otherwise. In the end, to a preacher's ultimate sorrow, the choice of a god is a personal one, and the alignment to a being is in accord with one's internal code of principles. A missionary might coerce and trick would-be disciples, but no rational being can truly follow the determined orders of any god-figure if those orders run contrary to his own tenets. Neither I, Drizzt Do'Urden, nor my father, Zaknafein, could ever have become disciples of the Spider Queen. And Wulfgar of Icewind Dale, my friend of later years, though he still might yell to out to the battle god, does not please the entity called Tempus except on those occasions when he puts his might war hammer to use.

The gods of the realms are many and varied – or they are the many and varied names and identities tagged onto the same being.

I know not – and care not – which.

-Drizzt Do'Urden

Drizzt doesn't really exist, sadly, but he grasps things much better than a lot of people I know. I love what he says here. It makes me smile.