Lost in the mud and almost in love with it

Mon, 03 May 2010 18:26:34 GMT

Tiptoed to, circled your tiny tin house
but the sound, it drowned out my
small little fist on surface of your door.
And the sound, it
Was
Enough
to rattle the very foundation you crafted
Too weak, too fragile
toppling, shattered in a messy heap.

troubled waters trouble me.
I laid there till dawn well I...
Didn't sleep.

made my bed but don't want to lie in it

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 18:58:29 GMT

So, I'm here. For two months. I suppose I have my shit together so far; I have a job. I like my friends, but we've been sitting on the couch. There are many things, though, that are making me feel really, really depressed about my current situation.
Parker's been in town and doesn't want to see me. Oh, except for the other night at 145am when he tried to booty call me. He keeps saying that he's not going to be in Brantford for two, three weeks, and telling other people he's back this week. I can deal with being rejected, and I can understand when feelings change. But it makes absolutely no sense that, if either is the case, he can't just be honest about it. I knew what I was getting myself into with this guy, but I expected at least some decency and respect out of him. He know's that I'm his brother's best friend, he know's that he's friends with my friends, and he's also very aware of the feeling that [were] involved in this. I suppose this is my punishment for getting involved with an insensitive, immature guy. Buuuutttttt I must remember that I brought this upon myself!
People are different in this town. I feel like I don't fit in here, and that the only way I'll be able to fit in here is by...pretending I don't live in the city. When I talk about being away most people say with pride that they will be here for life. This is an attitude that I simply cannot relate to. I think that it's fine, but personally, I hate this town. I don't like the people. Actually, I like a few people... but the overall attitude and lifestyle here is aggressive. There's drama around every corner. People mostly just talk about other people and their lives. Maybe I just need to find some new friends while I'm here... work may help with that.
That's all the drama I care to document for now... Although its not the end.

Oh, love.

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 05:32:08 GMT

It bothers me that I have friendships so figured out, but not intimate relationships. What's the problem?

I don't really understand what the true purpose of being in a relationship is. Isn't it sex? Apparently that's just one aspect of it...

My friends fulfil every social need that I have, except that of physical affection and sex. At this point in my life, there is absolutely no other reason why I would choose to be in a relationship, other than to get laid and cuddled on a regular basis.

Maybe I'll figure it out one day.

Life the Way I Want It to Be.

Thu, 25 Mar 2010 03:33:29 GMT

--Have you ever been incorrect?
--Of course.
--But have you ever been unsure of whether you are correct or not? I do this from time to time. Sometimes my thoughts are drowned out by my emotions. What do I want, certainty or novelty?
--Who cares?

Last Willing Testament

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 05:56:46 GMT

In the event that I die, I expect no one to find what I am listing as my Last Willing Testament. Oh well.

1)I want to be cremated, and my ashes either distributed among those I love, or, if people think that's gross, to be tossed onto the earth somewhere. Could be in a garbage dump; like I care.

2)I want my organs to be donated to someone who could actually make use of them. Not some 65 year old alcoholic with a pickled liver, or some 350 pound woman with a heart condition--sorry, but that's a waste of my organs. Give them to someone young, who suffers from a really rare disease, but is otherwise healthy.

3)Give the following things to the following people:
a)my instruments to Corbin
b)my journals to Evan
c)my books wall-decor and money to Aislin
d)my awards, pictures, and anything school or childhood related to my mom
e)my cat to Parker
f)my clothes to the Salvation Army
g)the rest, to whoever wants it.

Finally, some closing words:

1)Melissa Charles- I regret our friendship-breakup. You probably don't. Either way, I'm sorry.
2)Diana- You probably regret our friendship-breakup. I definitely don't. Either way, I'm sorry.
3)Evan- I have never been more sure of the phrase 'I love you' than when I thought of saying it to you.
4)Aislin- You are probably the coolest person I have ever met. I think of you as a sister, which transcends the level of friend.
5)Corbin- You are the kindest soul I have ever come across. When you're not around, I kinda suffer.
6)Dave- You've taught me more than any other person in the world, besides my mom. You inspire me to be a better person.
7)Mom and Dad- you did a good job.

ps: I don't want a religious funeral service. Get together at the Littell House, get drunk, smoke joints, and reminisce.

Love,
Kate