Martin Darko

Justboy. Week 5

martinsmsnaddress@hotmail.com — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 20:57:33 GMT

its really hard for me to find the words to say this week.
it wasn't a bad week until friday.
but it kinda went downhill from there.
infact untill friday, things had started to look up for me.
but no, now im back feeling low again.
i'm going to keep this weeks short.
i don't want my blogs to all be full of self pity.
but i couldnt not post one.

maybe nexts week will be longer.
and ill want to talk more.

and i don't want the world to see me
cause i dont think that theyd understand.

picture of the week.
its me getting my tattoo
what more is there to fucking say.
i love it.

x

La la la la la la la la la la. Week 4

martinsmsnaddress@hotmail.com — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 22:06:50 GMT

I can sense writting 52 blogs being near impossible.
because it feels hard to write things now.
and its only week 4. =|
It's not that there arent things happening in my life.
its just i seem to be feeling the same.
Trying to be optimistic. but i guess optismism only survives when things eventully go right.
and sometimes.. just sometimes.
i feel that alot of things go wrong.
and yes. i know my life is great compared to some.
and of course my life could be alot shitter.
but emotions are relative.
its how we cope with them.
i guess i could cope better.
alot of the time.
but thats something i need to change.
lets see how im doing with that by blog number 52.
infact by blog 6 ill be like "fuck this"
I change my mind like a girl changes clothes...
...
Wait. did i just?
anyways moving on away from that.

This weeks picture...

well its a green tutu.
its my green tutu.
yes. strange choice.
and its fucked up i own a green tutu... or any tutu.
but thats one thing. i kinda realise it makes me unquie.
i own a green tutu. people know this. too much.
make me wear it too much.
but it makes me realise normality is fucking weak.
and its great to wear. because people stare at me.
and i know im doing something right.

Oh and im sorry if you saw the "La la la la la la la la la la"
as the title and thought "finally the misrable bastard has something to sing about"
because its reference to the song of the week.
"self esteem" by the offspring.
because its something im lacking this week.
=\
meh ill get over it.
ill keep saying that
if I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking

I know not a reason why Solitudes a reason to die. Week Number 3

martinsmsnaddress@hotmail.com — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:02:10 GMT

After another near death experience. ive realised i should just go for things.
fuck risks. sometimes its worth it.
sometimes its not.
but im not living any of my time in regret or wasted chances.
fuck spending all of my time at home.
writing blogs.
actually no. ill still do the blogs.
but still i need to spend all of my time out
im just missing money this week.
because if i had any, i would fill my petrol tank up.
and just drive.
go to places new.
or just places old.
anywhere to help me get back on track.

I know im close to happiness.
yet i feel so far away.
i might just keep at it though? :)

the picture of the week this week is one i found this week on stumble upon photos (<3)

depressing as it seems.
kinda sums up my mood.
or even just me in general. ha.
or maybe just something i would try and do? :p
but it also kinda seems to sum this blog up.
well maybe with not as much optimism.
but heck. its still a good picture :)

song of the week.
carousel. blink 182.
maybe its just for the line "a tank of gas is a treasure to me"
maybe cause its an awesome song.
who knows.
well actually i do. and its cause erm.. i relate to it.
and its an awesome song also.

We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt
But how we survive, is what makes us who we are
x

Still Searching. Week Number 2

martinsmsnaddress@hotmail.com — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:25:39 GMT

So its week 2 of the year.
and yeah i guess this year doesnt feel to good.
I don't know why. but i havent had a happy day yet.
and i have a new scar
grim
ill get right back up again.
i promise you.
I want to sort my life out more than ever.
hence the no drinking.
i think i may actually last a long time this time.
cause my head needs it.
thats alll this lack of drinking is over.
i need to sort my head out.
its not a resolution.
i just can't be doing with feeling that low.
oh and im back on the weights aswell.
haha lets see how that pans out. but thats always good for feeling better.

Infact that brings me to picture of the week.
it was going to be a picture of the weights.
you know for a new start etc.
but no.
noticed the song of the week?
Can't Be Saved by senses fail.
well thats also to do with the picture :

Yes its ".Can't.Be.Saved." written in fancy writing.
this is what i want to get as my first tattoo.
and ive kinda fully decided on that fact this week.
the font just seems perfect for me.
and as for the meaning. well it means alot to me.
plus its a nice way of showing my pessimism.
i fucking cannot be saved.
(how pale the song just came on my windows media player. its on random)

I know it's hard for you
To understand what I'm going through
But now I sit here to remind myself
You're always dressed to kill
And you feel like you owe it to the world
But you owe it to yourself
And you're, you're not here
And I can't stop pretending
That you're forever mine...

I really fucking hope next week's blog is just full of happiness
cause this one makes me sound suicidal.
x

Your fucking right. im all at sea.

martinsmsnaddress@hotmail.com — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 01:09:20 GMT

Ever realise what the best thing to do in a situation was and found it too hard to do so you just suffer anyway?
please tell me im not insane for not doing the right thing.
but sometimes its just too hard to do.
why is human emotion so complicated.
i couldnt just live then die.
no i have to go and feel things.
everyone dies lonely.
and the only person i blame is myself.
Ever wonder if you met someone at a different time.
would things be better?
Ever wonder if its ever really worth it?
Ever thought you were the only one?

If it makes you less sad
I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am
And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile
I already know that I am

I'll grow old
And start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate
A crown of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it's missed when it's gone

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad you that can forgive
Only hoping as time goes
You can forget

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out
It's as cold as a tomb
And it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed
To pour salt in your wounds
So call it quits
Or get a grip
Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget
So you can forget
You can forget

You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones
Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke
You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can
You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget

Hello Blog. Week Number 1.

martinsmsnaddress@hotmail.com — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:03:43 GMT

So i finally got a blog... again
Being close to new years and all i got the idea of my resolution being blog related.
with the idea of posting a blog a week.
i honestly don't think anyone will read this shit.
but blogging/bulletining (myspace innit') is great way of me venting my feelings.
but ill let it be public. because i honestly don't care who/if anyone reads it :)
but at the end of 2009 it will be great to go back. look back at my year.
See how ive felt over the 52 weeks. and just be able to witness changes and shit like that.
oh and life seems to go too quickly.
things pass me by.
blogging this seems like a good remedy :)
Oh and this does count as the 1st week. honest :)

I may experiment with a few other things with this blog.

I plan on putting a new song with each week.
then maybe making a 52 song playlist at the end of the year.
and a quick glance will show that this weeks is
Lit - Miserable.
No i don't feel miserable...
it was just playing and its been too long since ive heard it.
maybe the next time ill hear it will be in 52 weeks time?
probably not.

Also i have the stolen idea of putting a photo on here everyweek.
none of this epic photo bollocks.
just a photo either from the week
or something thats summarised the week.
or some bollocks like that?
either way its something that will brighten my blog up a tad i guess.
saves me fucking about with coloured fonts.

so now is the challenge of chosing a picture for this week.
and its well hard not to pick an epic motivational
"new beginnings" photo for the new year.
but no i shall avoid cliche and go for...

yes its a picture of me that i just took on webcam with a shit timestamp that loks fake because i couldnt think of what else to use.
ive got this horrible feeling that im going to get sick of posting pictures of me on webcam when i run out of photos
by the 3rd week and just sack that idea!

so thats me and my idea.
i really hope i can stick to it.
because i think it would be nice to look back on.

oh and one final thing.
everyone who knows me well.
knows i love lyrics
(this feels weird like im typing to people when my target audiance is myself!)
so im probably going to get some lyrics in to every blog.
so......

i've been running around i was looking down at all i see

and on that bombshell i shall return sometime next week =)
x