The Jot

The salvation of the future lies in the past. Of all the things we learn and what we are expected to learn. To understand what has happened and why it occurred can lead to future circumstances coming out for the better. Everything we need to know is either documented or can be guessed by historians. The past they say repeats itself, and by all accounts it does.

What an odd way to live life, on the edge of expectation. Only to find yourself at a sore loss when the verdict comes in. Who's idea was it to live for the future?


The present seems unaccounted for.

Live with life until you can live life. It takes many small things to come together before you can finally do things on your own. Whether it is age, wealth, friendship or some other menial thing that holds you back from true freedom, you must live with it for in the future when you do break away you will be all the better for it.

It seems to move so fast, gaining speed the closer it gets to the falls.

Can one overcome the drop?

Or will they be smashed in the overwhelming sensation that they no longer have control...

It moves to fast for many to understand, changing every time you can get a grasp on it. Its shape changes as you hold it; slowly slipping from your grasp, then shoots off into the distance. You run, as fast as your human body will allow you, but it is uncatchable, unattainable. You may try as much as you like buts its speed and ever-changing state leaves it nothing but an unquenchable desire burning out your insides, searing your soul with a heat so intense you wonder if anything could make it stop. You know your task is futile but you cannot quit, you have to keep going. Everything is against you, you know you will never make it, but you have to go on. You have to keep chasing it, keep fallowing it, and keep desiring it. This urge to have it has made you forget why you even started going after it. Everything else is just a passing memory.

You desire it with a passion that surpasses even the strongest of feelings in body. Your blinded by it, entrenched in it, and want nothing more then to drown in it. It can take you so fast to where you want to be, then leaves you wondering what had been in control, you or it. Nothing seems to matter anymore but getting that feeling back, but how? And why can’t you call it up on your own. It’s a feeling that makes everything seem brighter around you, purging you from the darkness. It’s a short lived dream that seems to surface whenever it feels like showing itself, uncaring of when you actually need it.

Some people have dreams, others have goals….then there are some, who don’t have anything but small glimpses of a desire to be something more.

Its calling. That sweet melody in the distance, I can hear it and it is calling me. It taunts me with its promises unspoken. It sings to me of things to come, things so fulfilling that I feel an appetite I never have felt before. I want nothing more then to fallow it off this beaten path and tread on the soft soils of the unimaginable and plunge into the pits of unreality. To give up everything to be something other then right here or right now. To lose grip on the forces that seemed bent on pushing me to the edge and making me question all that I am and all that I probably can’t be.


Why is reality so unforgiving, why does it seem so dark compared to the lushness of just forgetting it all.

Brash young fool, do you truly think the world works that way?
Your going to have to work harder if you want tomorrow to be as good as today.
It all goes downhill from here.....

Don't trust me, I can't even trust myself.

I wonder what I look like from the outside? I wonder if anyone know is what I look like from the inside. I hope that I don't loose my mind from trying to understand the way people act the way they do. Its more a curse then anything to always see two sides of the story, Its like always taking part of the blame onto yourself, or to be entirely baffled on why such things even happen. I wonder if I'll ever change, or am I doomed to forever be lonely because of a cowardice of what people would think of me where I to step out of my self made shell.


I have a feeling that these walls are blocking just as much in as they are blocking out. Perhaps one day I'll finally know the truth.

That path I have chosen no longer looks gold. More like sun baked mud that had glittered in the distance from the heat of the sun. Everything that seems as though it would be right for me is out of reach, and everything else doesn’t seem appealing. I want to strive for the unattainable, but I know myself to well to be fooled into thinking I would have the drive or the stamina. No matter how many times I try to change it seems I lose power but a few moments after I tried a new rout. Where does one turn, and what does one do when there is so much invested into this one direction I seem to be heading in? I feel as though I am on a one way street and should have made a turn at that last exit. Am I truly unhappy on this path? Or am I merely scared of failing? I can’t tell, nor do I know where I can find the right answers. Being who I am has left me emotionally stranded and secluded to my own dreams. I have no one to talk to, not about such things…and it seems the people that I do say something too either don’t care enough or just don’t know how distraught I am over these things. I know I tend to come off as generally a happy and uncaring person, but that doesn’t make me unemotional…just hard to read I guess. I feel like an electrical cord full of power and great potential with no clue where to plug it into, like I need that initial shock, or someone else to stick me into the wall so I can let it all flow. Or maybe I am just pretending…it feels like all those childhood dreams have fallen and crashed down around me, but worse then that…I don’t remember ever dreaming those dreams.

I don't know which direction to turn, its my own stupidity that has led me this far and I can't stop looking to it for directions even though it never knows which way its going. I don't know what I am waiting for, I always feel I am waiting for someone or something to pick me up and push me in the right direction. I know this isn't going to happen, but I can't get rid of my hope that it will come. I have no friends to turn too, no place to go, sometimes I just want to give it all up, but I have nothing to give up except everything and I refuse to push it that far. I don't have a enough of a self desctucive personality for such things. I just wish I could be strong enough to change myself. I don't want to quit my addictions because I like them, but I don't want to be consumed by them, I just want live and be happy, how can I do both I feel like I have to give up one for the other, live now, doing what is needed to do make the future bright and happy. But I don't want to be just a happy old person, I want to be happy now. This is stupid to say, I can be happy and live but for some reason I just can't get myself to do the living part. How do I change? Can someone come into my life and give me a good slap?! I just want something to turn to, something I won't feel bad useing, something I don't feel as though I owe it....or them. Where is my kinght it shiny armor to rescue me from this rut I have gotten myself stuck in? The wheel is still spinning but I'm not going anywhere fast....
God I feel so alone...

I came back, though I know not why, maybe because these words are so much a part of me that I can’t leave them behind. Either way, I fear for their very existence for I know if they where to disappear or to be stolen it would be like losing a piece of myself. I don’t know if I could stand that, I am not all here entirely to begin with…so to lose even more of me might not leave enough to be worked with and the whole thing would be scraped as a waste of time. But if that is so, why do I continue to write? Why would I put them here for someone to possibly take? Maybe I trust others to much, maybe I hope that these words will help someone else help me? In any case they are here…here for whatever reason that they are. I hope that I do not regret my choices, I try so hard to never have a reason to look back without smileing.