This is nothing like it was in my room

japanesegum@gmail.com — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 07:12:23 GMT

Just wanted to say that I really want to hang out with the girls asap. Will it ever happen?

I'm always off mondays and tuesday's no matter what.So keep that in mind at all times. Keep me updated on schedules too, that would be nice.

japanesegum@gmail.com — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 06:06:52 GMT

I'm having a very grateful week. I am just happy to be healthy these days, I am grateful for the food I have to consume, a comfy bed and a lot of beautiful music to listen to.

My mom finally gave in and bought me glasses. I was ecstatic. I can take out my contacts at night now and truly take better care of my eyes. It's very nice.She also let me buy work clothes with the one hundred dollars I had left over, which was amazing. I've been wanting new work shirts and pants and I got some really cute ones from Target. I also got two cute shades that I was sad I couldn't buy the week before because I'm really trying to watch my spending these days.

I have court tomorrow for a speeding ticket (thus why I have to watch my spending, that and I'm trying to save money instead of blowing it all at once)I hope that I get the option to take driving school..otherwise it will be a $180 dollar ticket as opposed to a $40 dollar one.

My uncle, my mom's brother, passed away yesterday. It broke my heart into two. He was like my second dad and I hadn't seen him in years. He used to live with us in California for a good 4 years when I was the ages of 6-10. He used to take my siblings and I wherever our hearts desired. He was a humorous and gentle soul, simply the best, and I will miss him tons. All of my mom's family keeps passing away and it makes me incredibly sad for her. I don't understand it. Life is really unfair. Some people are so rich while others that work just as hard, are so poor. I'm hoping that whoever isn't lucky in this lifetime can be lucky in the one to come.

japanesegum@gmail.com — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 10:07:14 GMT

Money is tight. With trying to have fun, paying for expensive gas, and having a phone bill, only working during shitty hours when it's prime social time and etc, it's almost impossible to put a dent into all of what I need to save up for. It's really discouraging and stressful. I'm going to buy that camera I've been wanting for years, no matter what because it's been enough time of putting it off and I'll continue to want it for more years to come if I don't get it already. I still need new clothes ( I haven't bought new clothes in months) I need to buy The National tickets which I can't skip out on again because it will be the show of my life!! Then on top of all that I need to save up for stuff for when we get to move to hattiesburg, all before august.

I need to reform my mentality on things. I cannot lust for so many pretty little things I really don't need when I don't have the money. I was used to being well taken care of and getting whatever I wanted. That's not the case anymore, mom makes me pay for everything now and part of me likes it because I feel independent but at the same time, it's not fair when I'm the only sibling that has not gotten the financial help my other siblings have gotten. My mom still pays for every cent of my sister's ritzy lifestyle including her cell phone bill and her godly expensive university. My older brother got a brand new mustang at 17 and my mom put in hundreds of thousands of dollars to open up his business. Not to mention he got a vehicle of my dad's when his friend wrecked his. My younger brother has a savings account set up for him for his college fund. It's just not fair when your parents give you everything and then take it all away when you need it most.As for me, I have no car to call my own. I have no health insurance in case I get sick. I have to go into debt to pay for school.On top of all that, trying to satisfy my sometimes expensive taste that they got me used to. I would've preferred them never giving me anything in the first place so that I could've gotten a job at 14 just like most kids and had the opportunity to build my experience so that I could get a good job at the age I am now. BAH! but Whatever, life's unfair. I'm not going to let it get me down anymore.

I did something somewhat out of character for me. I feel like a dweeb now, but more on that later.
I really miss being able to see certain people. It sucks it's so hard to plan a get together these days.
I want intimacy but I'm still very afraid of falling for someone. Things with a super close friend are on the rocks. It's pretty ridiculous.

japanesegum@gmail.com — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 08:39:46 GMT

Us girls, St.Patrick's parade,late lunch/early dinner afterwards...This saturday yes? Pretty plz!?!?!?!?!?!? Babies and Husbands welcomed.
Let's make it happen? It's been too long.

japanesegum@gmail.com — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 10:58:34 GMT

So as soon as I'm set on a date to move to hatti, (which was march 1st),chan decides to tell me mandee and I won't be able to move into her place anymore. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.I mean, why lead people on into believing they have a place to stay and then last minute,tell them it's a no-go?

I'm sad...................., it was a change I was really looking forward to for many reasons. Now it's only going to get much harder to be able to move there and I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sad because I'm tired of my job. I LOVE that no one gets to boss me around and that it's easy but I'm so tired of routine and working around only men.I work at the worst time and only get 5 hours everyday, which makes it super hard to save up for anything because it seems like it takes forever.I work every weekend and during the main hours of social time(5-10_ when businesses are open and I get off when everything closes. I absolutely hate it.

I'm sad because it's so hard to meet anyone in Jackson when you're not going to school somewhere like Millsaps or Belhaven. It's even harder meeting someone romantically that will satisfy my taste. Nearly impossible really........so now I'm sure to to stay single forever.

I'm sad because even though I absolutely love being around my little brother, I'm tired of not having a place of my own that I can invite people to.

I'm sad that I can't go to the doctor whenever I please because I don't have health insurance.

I'm sad that life is so expensive.

I'm sad that time passes by so quickly when you don't want it to.

I'm sad because Jackson sucks minus certain people and certain restaurants.
I'm just tired of waiting here, with the same schedule, routine routine routine......working and hardly ever being able to see my friends.

I'm feeling pessimistic, as if it's not apparent.

tada

japanesegum@gmail.com — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:10:01 GMT

I love how as soon as I am going to start to commit to exercising and eating healthier, I get sick. My stomach felt like it had 15 hands with 15 knives jabbing at me, so much that I barely could walk. I'm finally starting to feel better...many days later. It cost me a lot of money(because I couldn't go to work) and a lot of time I could've spent with friends. What a bummer. Talk about worst timing ever. Now I'll be going to Hatti with less money than I thought.

But yeah I'm on this extreme personal hygiene kick, more so than normal. I just want to take care of myself as much as possible, and I realized this includes eating and exercising as well.
I've become a religious face washer, once at night and once in the morning. Everyday. I've stuck with it for 3 weeks now. That's a lot for me, considering I've always been super lazy to wash my face even once. That's what let's me know I'll be committed to everything else I begin as of now.

I'm trying to shop wisely these days by buying quality things that are on sale. Last week, I got this really nice black and gray 100% cashmere cardigan for $25 bucks and its original price was $90. Talk about a score, it feels so nice against my skin.Yesterday, I got two really bargain pieces.I've been wanting to collect books full of nice photography that are basically just that, so that when I have my own living room they can be showcased on a bookcase and a few can be laid out on the coffee table for visitors. I already have a few, but it's definitely not something I should be spending the money I have now on. But yesterday there was this $1 rack at Borders, and a lot of it was already really picked over,so there was mainly just crap but I saw this "Italy 360" book that was just sitting there. It's huge with nothing but absolutely beautiful pictures of Italian architecture and landscapes and city life. Good score, I'd say. I also got a super cute water bottle that I've been needing so I don't steal my brother's. It was only 6 bucks. Yippie.

I'm going to go read a book outside in my backyard, before I have to get ready for work. I really would enjoy the sunlight, and I need it anyway. I'm tired of being in a/c all day.

japanesegum@gmail.com — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 11:17:54 GMT

Every time I blink I have a tiny dream, but as bad as I am I'm proud of the
fact that I'm worse than I seem. What kind of paradise am I looking for? I've
got everything I want and still I want more. Maybe some tiny shiny thing will
wash up on the shore.
You walk through my walls like a ghost on tv, you
penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out
to sea. And what can I say but I'm wired this way and you're wired to me, and
what can I do but wallow in you unintentionally? What kind of paradise am I
looking for?- Ani Difranco - "Grey" ...one of my favorite songs of all time.

Today was good, hung out with my little brother. We have such good times together when he's not saying mean things. :)
We're pretty much alike.

japanesegum@gmail.com — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 11:16:25 GMT

Sin dolor no te haces feliz
Sin amor...
No sufres más

Who am I kidding? Even when I do find someone that interests me, I will rip them to shreds and make a mental chart comparing their traits vs. his and they won't add up. They won't even be close. I know what I want, some people might consider this picky but I know I can't have it any other way. There are certain things I can overlook, love is blind afterall, but having a unhealthy relationship will never be one of them.

“I thought I knew certain things and it turned out that I didn’t, so I don’t really try and anticipate so much anymore. I’m not making any bets on the future.”
Michelle Williams on the breakup with Heath Ledger
I like this quote.

I guess I should be less naive into thinking things will work out when I'm positive. Life consists of emotional hard flinging objects coming towards you at the speed of an F5 tornado and canon balls being relased in a canyon that's 4 feet wide, trying to get in between your feet to trip you. I can't count on things not getting tough when I'm least expecting it, I can just count on my strength and my ability to get through it as best I can.

I love spending time with my little brother more than anything when he's not being an asswipe.

japanesegum@gmail.com — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:35:12 GMT

I don't know how much I like this site. But I like that all my real friends have it, so I'm sucking it up.

I feel so anxious all of the time. I don't know about what really. I guess I'm just pissed at how there's so much time but so little all at once. I go to sleep at ungodly hours and wake up enough to get ready to go to work at 5 wednesday-sunday. I don't get to experience too much sunlight. Maybe this is causing my anxiety. I get off at 10. I work during the prime time of any social events that go on and it pisses me off.

I want to spend time with Leslie and Kyttie and this guy Kyle I've been telling that I would hang out with for 2 months but still haven't found the time or the time hasn't found me. It's really frustrating. Maybe my time management skills got lost somewhere along the way. I'M READY TO BLOW UP.

I know there's much more time than what there seems to be. I need to get my schedule back to normal, maybe then I won't feel so upside down and all over the place all the time.

GAG. I can't even find the words.