9 most recent entries

Date:2008-01-20 19:45
Subject:Good Day =]
Mood: contemplative
Music:iTunes on Random

I got to hang out with Linda for a little while today!! It was really nice, we talked about guys and our current situations. She really helped me see that I do need to wait things out with Ben cause we have a completely different dynamic than Anthony and I had. I trust her judgement. She's known me for two years now, and almost the entire time she knew me I was with Anthony so she can see the changes better than I can. It's just nice to know that I was making the right judgement by sticking with it. I have a tendency to vanish or want out when something gets tough or I can't deal with it.

I haven't actually spoken to Ben in two days, which is quite odd for me. We texted a bit yesterday but that was like two seconds. I want to call him so badly, but I already texted him like an hour ago, and if he wanted to talk he would have responded. I get so confused by that boy sometimes. I guess I'm just frustrated at myself that after four months I haven't been able to get out of my old mindset of how a relationship should be (or something like that).

Its interesting to look back on the past few years and realize that I wasted them. This school year seems to be the best in a while. Classes, personal growth etc. I feel like my classes actually have relevance this semester, especially my photo courses. Photo 100 last fall was a joke, 200 was ok. I felt challenged in terms of making my work meaningful. I am super excited to get down and dirty in photo 400 which is studio based. I finally get to learn lighting and all that wonderful studio stuff that I have never learned before. School seems to be coming to a close so soon even thought I still have a year and a half (three semesters) left. I think I am going to like all my classes this semester. They all have some relevance to my future, with the exception of my art history course but I am taking that with a friend and the types of art covered are interesting. I can't believe I am going into the second week of the semester already.

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Date:2008-01-20 02:31
Mood: crappy
Music:Movie: Save The Last Dance

Grr!!! My dvd player broke so my roommate and I went out at 1:30am to Wal-Mart to get a new one. I don't know why I'm still up. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am torn about what to do about Ben. I haven't been to bed this late in quite a while unless Ben is over in which case I'm usually up but occupied. My mind is racing three million miles a minute but its blank at the same time.

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Date:2008-01-19 23:36
Subject:Sad Panda
Mood: sad
Music:Yellowcard - Lights and Sound

I just don't know what to do. Do I wait things out or sit Ben down and tell him how I'm feeling? I'm so happy when I'm with him but miserable when I'm not. I know some of his actions are never gonna change so I don't even try to change them but they upset me somewhat. Am I lying to myself when I say that its just a very different type of relationship than I had with Anthony? No. But am I kidding myself that it will get better? Probably. Or maybe its just me. I've never really been good with adjusting to change. I'm used to having all of a boy's attention devoted to me and its definitely not like that with Ben. He has his brothers and other friends. I don't. Do I break up with him and just be single for a while or keep dating and see where it goes? I'm so confused right now.

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Date:2008-01-14 17:27
Subject:Stressed. :/

Why am I already so stressed and its only the first day back? I'm already starting to get mad at JQ. Ben's phone is shut off for some reason which is upsetting me cause I'm hungry and want to see him. I'm not prepared for anything. I forgot half of my stuff in my apartment when I left earlier. Grrrr. Not a good Monday or start to the semester.Uggh! I hate late classes. 630p classes should DIE! Blah.

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Date:2008-01-13 19:47

Today was alright. Ben spent the night last night . I went up to Altoona today to help my brother move back in for the semester and see the parents for a bit. Woot Woot cause I got grocery $$!! The most interesting part of my day occurred when I was checking my facebook account. I received a message from a girl who hates my guts (to say the least). It was cool though cause she gave me some info on the current situation with my ex. Woot woot yeah Dave. It was very nice of her to reach out to me despite the animosity between us. Other than that my day was verry boring. I've been lazy and done nothing. blah.

Grrr! Ben was supposed to go over Evan & JC's then stay over here, but nope didn't happen. =[ I called him a lil bit ago and he was drunk off his ass. He probably won't even remember I called when he wakes up tomorrow. However, he did say that he thinks he loves me =] which is good I guess. Gah. At least he admitted he drank way too much too, but who knows if he will say that tomorrow. Who knows if he will even call tomorrow. I just don't know. He's falling in love, and I'm getting fed up. This is not good. I just need to sit down and actually talk to him.


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Date:2008-01-10 23:27
Subject:Life was so much easier when boys had cooties

Today was one roller coaster of a day. Got up this morning, decided I didn't feel like going to work and was going to find places to go canning for our trip here in two weeks. That went well. Found a bunch of places and have to make more calls tomorrow, which should go well seeing as I am calling basically the same stores but in different locations. Around 2p I went to go get my panoramic from my ex's mom. I stopped to get flowers as a nice gesture to her. Yea, that didn't work well. I know she is upset and who knows but I am too. It really tore me up that she refused the flowers. So I got home, was checking my Myspace and saw that Dave was going to Mansfield (also know as going to see Manda). So I gave him a call, and surprisingly he picked up. I had a really great chat with him which made my day so much better. He got me updated on Anthony's situation as much as he could. The reception was terrible cause he was driving and he also didn't know too much. No one really does. He wants to come visit me in State College sometime, hopefully soon, which would be awesome. He never came up when I was still with Anthony (he was supposed to for Anthony's 21st).

I can't wait to get back to school tomorrow. Hopefully I will see Ben at some point, but Im going to let him call me. I need to learn not to be so needy when it comes to boyfriends. I think just being in State College will help a bit in terms of the whole Anthony thing. School helps me keep my mind off of him most of the time. Being home and around everything that he and I shared kills me inside cause I think about all the good and bad times we had together. Even at school tho I think about him alot, especially when Im alone. Even listening to my iPod and iTunes makes me think of him cause of all the music he bought and transfered to my iPod & iTunes. Hopefully I will be having more contact with Dave and that will allow me to talk about things more than I do now. He understands me and where I'm coming from. I could never talk to Ben about this. One, because he is my current boyfriend and never knew Anthony and two, it would be weird. I guess I could talk to LJ but we have very different opinions when it comes to Anthony and I feel we would get into an argument like we almost did today. Erica never knew Anthony. Linda, Jess and Katie are too busy to take time to listen to me and my problems.

I my friends, but I feel like they aren't there for me when I need them to be, but whenever they need something I am there for them. It just aggravates me that I can take time out of my life at the drop of a hat for them but they don't have the same respect for me. I think thats why I cling to boyfriends so much. I'm trying to fill a void left by my so called friends. I don't know. Sometimes I wish I was still with Anthony. I don't think any of this would have happened had I not been selfish and wanted to see who/what else was out there. We would still be together. He most likely wouldn't be in jail. I would be happier. It just hit me today that I probably would have been engaged at some point between now and summer had we stayed together.

Am I truly happy with Ben or am I just fooling myself? Sometimes I feel like I'm fooling myself. I wonder if he really is any good for me or if he's just gonna pull me down if he goes down. But then again, Anthony pulled me down but I never saw it. With Ben, I know I'm getting myself into a semi bad situation. The real question is why do I allow myself to be put in these situations? That is the real question I need to answer and maybe then my life will start to get on track. What void am I trying to fill?

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Date:2008-01-09 20:52
Subject::/ torn

As much as I hate to admit it, I really miss Tony. My relationship with Ben is so different than it was with Anthony. It really makes me miss what I had with him. I cherish what I have with Ben, its just very different and I guess I just have to adjust. Its so awkward talking to him on the phone. I feel like our conversation is forced when we talk for more than a few minutes. We are just such different people. I just don't know. I think I'm starting to rethink our relationship but I'm scared that if I do break up with him it will be the wrong choice and there is no going back to fix it. I'm also scared that I'm going to hurt him really badly emotionally. I guess I'll see how it goes this semester and how we interact.

I'm so nervous about seeing Maureen tomorrow. It was always awkward when I went over there and was dating Anthony, but now that he's not there it will be much more strained. I feel weird about asking about him too, but I really wanna know how he is. His mom may or maynot know. I don't know if she has been keeping in contact with him. Amanda won't tell Jenn anything which sucks. After tomorrow hopefully I can move on fully.

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Date:2008-01-06 16:20
Subject:Boring Weekend

I can't wait til Friday!! I'm heading back up to school for the spring semester. College is so much better than high school. Each year of college gets better than the last it seems. Last semester was by far one of the best I've had in a while. My academic performance improved now that I have classes which actually matter and will help me progress with my major. Things have gotten better on a social level too, even though it was a bit of a roller coaster. Ben is amazing and I'm so glad that I met him. Yeah for calling and chilling with my lil bro and his friends that night. I can't wait to see him when I get back. It will have only been 10 days but man that seems like forever. As much as I don't like some of his choices I know I'm not going to be able to change him, nor am I going to try. I can only be there for him through the good and bad.

So many things are different this year. I lost my best friend to stupidity & jail :/ I guess that was a blessing in disguise though. As unhappy as it makes me sometimes, I think it may have been for the best. We were on parting paths it seemed anyways. We needed complete separation from each other anyways. Looking back our relationship was unhealthy in a way. I regret somethings but not everything. There were so many good times with him.

I hung out with LJ yesterday. We went shopping. Haha, what else is there to do... It was good to see her. Got to hear all about the ongoing drama with the bf. I don't get why she puts up with it. How can you love someone who can be that mean and doesn't really care about her feelings. At least thats what it seems like. I got a new pair of jeans, a PSU sweatshirt, and a nice sweater, and a picture frame. Woot Woot for gift cards and sales.

Heres to a NEW YEAR and new great memories with Ben.

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Date:2008-01-03 19:33
Subject:New Year, New Me

Happy New Years

So I've done the blogging thing before but didnt keep up with it. So, new year, new blog, and hopefully a better year overall.

Things really started to look up at the end of last year in respect to my love life, but down in terms of Anthony. I'm tryin to put him behind me now and focus on B. The last part of December after Christmas was great. San Antonio was amazing. Great getaway for a few days. New Year's was spectacular. Got to see B and meet his friends back home. Met his family too which was pretty cool.
I'm back to work now and missing him like crazy. Can't wait to get back to school and see him again. Only 8 days til I head back :) woot woot.
Work is alright. I did practically nothing today. Great to get paid for doing nothing. The store was really dead. Saw Joe,Shane and Brandon which was nice. I have yet to see LJ since I've been home :( booo. Hopefully we will chill tomorrow night.

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