Today I was playing with Nathan and I stopped for a moment and a whirlwind of emotion hit me and nearly took my breath away as I sat watching this tiny baby playing in his toybox. He's growing up faster and it's all happening right before my eyes. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I was scared, terrified to be more exact. I thought my world had ended. As the pregnancy went on, I became more comfortable, not exactly okay, with what was going to happen in my life. I never felt fully prepared for how this would change my life. When I finally had him, something in me kicked in, something that told me the minute I looked at him that I would be okay, that no matter what changed in my life it would be for the best.
When he was only a month or so, I'd hold him and I'd be scared. I was scared I would hurt this fragile child in front of me. I was scared I would make a mistake and hurt him. I would hold him and I would just cry. Here was this life, this living breathing child in my arms and it was up to me to show him what's right, what's wrong, direct him in his life and here I was, a 19 year old mother who had now idea how to even direct her own life. That's a lot of pressure to take on. I would get so frustrated, the more I'd cry the more he'd cry and I knew all I had to do was stop but when he'd cry, I'd cry harder and it was a never-ending cycle.
After a few months, four to be a bit more exact, he was finally rolling on his own and it was then that I'd calm down when I held him. He was a bit more independent. He was able to move around on his own. He'd roll to his tummy and he'd look up at me and he'd smile. Sometimes, he and I would lay together for naptime and he would place his hand on my cheek and somehow, even though he couldn't say it, I knew that maybe, just maybe he loved me as much as I love him.
It wasn't long after he was rolling that he began crawling. I soon learned my son was determined to do everything that we could do. If we'd crawl, he'd try harder. He was so willing to learn how do do anything and everything, I;d watch this baby slowly transfor into a child. Now, I was completely comfortable with him, not only could I carry him no problem, no fear, but I could play with him.
Now, 8 months later he's grown into this little person. He amazes me daily with the new things he's picked up. My 8 month old son can get into sitting from laying, no problem. He crawls. He has 7 teeth. He was crawl to his bottle, pick it up and drink whenever he wants. He pulls himself into standing position and can now balance himself with no assistance what so ever. He grew up so fast and I feel that because I was so scared of him in the beginning, I missed out on him as a small baby!
He gets excited over his things. He sees me coming at him with his food and he sits up and claps, he throws his arms up and laughs and shakes his arms. He knows how to give kisses. He says mama, he says dada, he says baba. I know he is meaning it because the other morning in his crib he was yelling BABABABA, and I got it for him, he lifted it and just so matter-of-factly he said, "BABA." And drank from it. My son is amazingly intelligent. He's even able to move things in front of bigger things to climb.
I'm realizing more and more that this child is the most amazing thing that could've ever happened to me and I love him more than I could ever fully express. He's the only person that could make my heart just stop the minute he smiles at me.