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[18 Feb 2009|06:39am]
Updating gets so tedious, I wish there was a way to talk into my computer and have it type this out for me because it's the typing that annoys me most. The clicking of the keys gets really, really annoying after you hear it done over and over and over. Then, over some more. I'm sure technology has something making it possible to talk and have the words you say changed to letters on a screen, but that's probably far too high tech for my beat up macbook pro.

It's nearing 7 am and I am still wide awake. It's hard to sleep in my house because I am just always stressed out. I really don't feel comfortable unless I am at a friends house. Like, when I go to Joshs, I sleep great! I don't know if it's the comfortability or what, but I sleep hours on end as opposed to my home where I sleep 3 hours a night. It is very annoying because I would love to be able to sleep all day.

When Louis' mom comes, I am taking that time to sleep. Nathan, with a babysitter EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A WEEK?!?!!?? It's too good to be true. I don't know if I'll remain at home much with her here, but this will be a great time to catch up on sleep. I love when she is down here for that reason...

...And that reason alone. Otherwise, I go insane with her here. Not because of her, because I adore her and regardless of what happens with Louis EVER, I will adore her... But LOUIS DRIVES ME INSANE. Seriously. Fucking insane. He's such a mamas boy and I want to punch him when he makes her wait on him CONSTANTLY.

I find the urge to punch him harder and harder to ignore. He is so fucking annoying. The way he talks.... Eats... Everything. With everything he has put me through I cmpletely despise him. It's sick, it really is. Obviously at one point I cared enough about him to willingly have a child WITH him. I could have done several things : Not tell him. Let him move to Cali and never see the baby. Stayed at my moms and allowed only partial custody. But no, I moved in with him with some warped visions of us being together forever and getting married.

Moving in with him, I now see, was the biggest mistake. He felt he had control from that day forward.

I can't stand the way he fucks with me and he KNOWS what to do, or say, to piss me off. He KNOWS that I'll get mad over these, seemingly, stupid comments then I look like I am insane.

I'm not though. I completely understand what he's doing to me. And I am finally to the point where I am sick of sitting back and feeling sorry for myself. I'm ready to get the fuck out of here. I'm more than tired of being this defenseless person for him to pick on and I am tired of him hurting me. I'm tired of being walked all over.

Men. God, they piss me off sometimes.

I hope, someday, I find a guy who I will be in a real relationship with and that relationship will make it EVEN MORE CLEAR how fucked up mine was with Louis. The guy I'm dating now, although not a "boyfriend" per se, is insanely sweet and moreso than Louis EVERRRRRRR was.

I hope that's a good sign.

My head is killing me and I have a headache down through my nose. I hope I am not catching whatever cold is going around right now. No, fuck that. I am going to pop vitamins like no other.

I've been thinking a lot about Justin lately, not because I miss him but because when I needed to get out of Louis' he'd given me that place to go and I wish I could find that again. Only, with someone less emotionally unattatched! I am just having the hardest time finding a roommate and he was literally just like, right there when I needed it. If I could find that again, male or female, i'd be all set.

I want to move out so bad. But, more than that, I want to know that I will be okay. It scares the fuck out of me because Louis has drilled it in my head that I need him. When we fight, he tells me I need him. When we're okay, he reminds me where I'd be without him, and this is all too much. Moving out, for Christs sakes I don't have a JOB yet. But I know I need it. I just don't want to get out and be completely lost. I feel like for so long I didn't have to know how to pay the rent, just what to give Louis and when it was due. I still have no idea how to pay bills. That's so pathetic, but I've never HAD to. I had my mom for that. Then Louis. Then when I moved in with Justin, him. I just gave them my portion of whatever and let them do it.

It's so scary to think that I could be so lost when I always thought I would be independent enough to make this work. I feel really, really pathetic just thinking about it. I always thought because I gave my portion, ON TIME, that was responsible enough... But I guess to learn HOW to pay would have been moreso.

That's what I'll work on this month. I'll figure out how Louis does all that.

I feel like a 5 year old..

I have so many bad habits I need to work on:

Biting my nails.
At times, I will be so good at not doing it. I'll grow my nails out all pretty, paint them without painting the skin above, decorate them, and get manicures. But, the minute one snags and I do not have a file on me, it's almost instinct to start biting. Once I start with one, I move on to all 9 others until I am back to my raggedy looking nails that's far from attractive.

And boy do I. I neeeeeeed to watch my mouth, but it's hard! It's become something I really don't pay attention to doing, that is, until Nathan begins to pick up on things. Then, I realize how often I must say things around him.

I dont really know if this qualifies but I think so. I think about everything and I think way too much into things.
But my thinking goes beyond that. I am paranoid about it. I actually have times where I feel like someone can hear me and I'll start to censor my thoughts and mold them into what whatever person around me would WANT me to be thinking.

Thats just not healthy! I'll argue with myself in my thoughts. It's a constant warzone in my head and I feel like I must be crazy. I'll get so wrapped up in thinking what this other person would want me to think that I'll make myself believe it. That's the sick part. It's weird.

Why I feel like I need to go everywhere so fast is completely beyond me.

Not even just in the car, I am always going a mile a minute.

These things are things I KNOW I need to fix, but it's so hard because I've grown into them. I do them without thinking now. '
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>>PARALYZED(ctba, anon, w/e) [22 Dec 2008|10:25pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

No cut tho because I love this forever. Thank you. Also, I am using this journal again, feel free to add!
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[14 Oct 2008|09:57am]
I have a little time before I leave to post some updates on Nathan! He's growing up SOOOOOO fast! Omg. He's walking. He's talking. He's potty training, very well might I add. He's so smart its scary!

Newish pics )
Honestly, one of the cutest babies ever? Y/y?

He's so freaking good, he amazes me. He is literally happy from the minute he wakes up (hes in his room talking, which he does for a little while before he starts yelling MAMAMAMAMA for me to get him) until he goes to sleep (which he finally does without a fuss!)

He is so great!
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[26 Feb 2008|04:33pm]
Join [info]discussit

promote it too, please!
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[12 Jan 2008|10:37am]
[ mood | loved ]

Today I was playing with Nathan and I stopped for a moment and a whirlwind of emotion hit me and nearly took my breath away as I sat watching this tiny baby playing in his toybox. He's growing up faster and it's all happening right before my eyes. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I was scared, terrified to be more exact. I thought my world had ended. As the pregnancy went on, I became more comfortable, not exactly okay, with what was going to happen in my life. I never felt fully prepared for how this would change my life. When I finally had him, something in me kicked in, something that told me the minute I looked at him that I would be okay, that no matter what changed in my life it would be for the best.

When he was only a month or so, I'd hold him and I'd be scared. I was scared I would hurt this fragile child in front of me. I was scared I would make a mistake and hurt him. I would hold him and I would just cry. Here was this life, this living breathing child in my arms and it was up to me to show him what's right, what's wrong, direct him in his life and here I was, a 19 year old mother who had now idea how to even direct her own life. That's a lot of pressure to take on. I would get so frustrated, the more I'd cry the more he'd cry and I knew all I had to do was stop but when he'd cry, I'd cry harder and it was a never-ending cycle.

After a few months, four to be a bit more exact, he was finally rolling on his own and it was then that I'd calm down when I held him. He was a bit more independent. He was able to move around on his own. He'd roll to his tummy and he'd look up at me and he'd smile. Sometimes, he and I would lay together for naptime and he would place his hand on my cheek and somehow, even though he couldn't say it, I knew that maybe, just maybe he loved me as much as I love him.

It wasn't long after he was rolling that he began crawling. I soon learned my son was determined to do everything that we could do. If we'd crawl, he'd try harder. He was so willing to learn how do do anything and everything, I;d watch this baby slowly transfor into a child. Now, I was completely comfortable with him, not only could I carry him no problem, no fear, but I could play with him.

Now, 8 months later he's grown into this little person. He amazes me daily with the new things he's picked up. My 8 month old son can get into sitting from laying, no problem. He crawls. He has 7 teeth. He was crawl to his bottle, pick it up and drink whenever he wants. He pulls himself into standing position and can now balance himself with no assistance what so ever. He grew up so fast and I feel that because I was so scared of him in the beginning, I missed out on him as a small baby!

He gets excited over his things. He sees me coming at him with his food and he sits up and claps, he throws his arms up and laughs and shakes his arms. He knows how to give kisses. He says mama, he says dada, he says baba. I know he is meaning it because the other morning in his crib he was yelling BABABABA, and I got it for him, he lifted it and just so matter-of-factly he said, "BABA." And drank from it. My son is amazingly intelligent. He's even able to move things in front of bigger things to climb.

I'm realizing more and more that this child is the most amazing thing that could've ever happened to me and I love him more than I could ever fully express. He's the only person that could make my heart just stop the minute he smiles at me.

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