If I was to tell you exactly who I am, I'd then have to wipe your memories. No, this does not entail me getting into your head, nor does it entail pain. It entails me putting a sedative laced amnesia pill into a drink and you drinking it. And by the way, don't try and find some way of making yourself remember - I'm exceptional at getting rid of evidence, and hiding things. Be it alien corpses or half converted Cybermen complete with conversion unit. Please don't ask - some things are better off left in the past.

Now that we have that necessary part out of the way, I believe it's time for an introduction. I work at one of Cardiff’s Tourist Information Centres. I’ll admit it isn’t located in one of the most favourable areas of the city, as it is near the docks. However the pay is alright and I spend most of my time directing lost tourists back to the city centre. It’s a mostly 9-5 job, but I guess someone has to do it.

However, if you read and paid any proper attention to the first paragraph you will realise that most of the second is nothing more than a cover. In truth – and if this gets out I will found out who, and where, and the consequences will not be pretty – I work for Torchwood.

Torchwood is an organisation set up to keep the Earth safe from alien invasion. We’re outside the Government, beyond the police and separate from the United Nations, although we have been known to work alongside the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce (UNIT). Our – referring to the five of us at Torchwood Three – leader says that we’re “Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race.” He also keeps telling us that “The 21st century is when everything changes. And we’ve gotta be ready.” Now don’t get us wrong, we may be outside the Government, beyond the police and separate from the United Nations, but we are firmly under the thumb of the Queen., and we have been ever since the Torchwood Institute was founded. However, only Torchwood One seemed to hold her majesty in any regard – infact, their motto was ‘Duty for Queen and Country.’

You may have noticed that when I talk about Torchwood One, I use the past tense. Torchwood One was located in London, but was destroyed at the battle of Canary Wharf. It is a period of time that I feel should be best forgotten.

I’ve just realised you know know my name, and where I work, but you know little about me. I am Ianto Jones and I was born and brought up in Newport. I am the receptionist, tea boy and occasional field agent for Torchwood Three. I can fire a range of weapons, but my weapon of choice is the stun gun. If you cross me, or any of the team, pray they survive.

There’s no one in Torchwood, apart from me who knows how to use the coffee machine properly. Most of them are more interested in the end product, than the actual process of making it. There is one person who I won’t let near it. Jack’s coffee makes hydrochloric acid look like moistuising cream it’s that strong.

Infact, how about I take you for a cup of coffee now, you won’t remember what it tastes like though. And you won’t remember reading this. That’s what I love about Torchwood. By day, you're chasing the scum of the universe, come night you're the retcon fairy.