is this really what you want?

You know, 05/23/08@01:29PM
part of the reason why I still hold on to this journal is that I absolutely love the layout I made for it.

i am not abandoning it, though. I will continue to update it now & then. Probably more often once school ends. I just wanted the [few, if any] readers to know that I write more often over on my Livejournal, so you can always catch me on there,

and my mind's made up 05/13/08@12:42AM
»music   Glen Hansard - Once

Tonight is the first night in a while that I'm going to sleep alone, without feeling Scott's body pressing against mine during the night, and without feeling his arm under my head and his breathing on my neck as I doze off. I keep telling myself, the weekend will be here soon. You cannot possibly miss someone this much! And I hate to think of the summer, and the fact that I will not see him for weeks.

My mother knows about Scott & me now. I'm not sure if I'd mentioned that here before. He's the first boy I ever told her about, and it feels so right and I'm not afraid or anything, to tell her that yes, I'm dating him. But oh it feels so strange! I have such issues with my mom learning personal details about my life.

Our relationship is so dysfunctional.

we could have it all 05/06/08@01:48PM
»mood   pleased
»music   Jon - My Skyscrapers

I totally ditched Critical Perspectives today, and Art class yesterday. I've been in a real strange mood, and my stomach hurts. It was so unbelievably difficult to get out of bed this morning oh my God. I didn't even HEAR my first two alarms, which were set for 7:45 and 8:00. I ended up waking up at 8:20 and getting out of bed at 8:27. Monday I didn't really wake up until 10:30! I don't know why I've been go sleepy lately. Maybe my body is trying to tell me that I need some more rest. Maybe my immune system is fighting something and I can't really tell but it drains my energy faster. Who knows!

I got my Zune back yesterday. I had sent it out to Microsoft because it wouldn't work. I bought it in December and in January it fucked up. I think it happened because I had it out in like, below-zero weather but still! My warranty was still in effect so I called them and they had me send it in so they could repair it, except they apparently were not able to repair it and they just sent me a new one. I already added music to it, and some movies. I want to find a way to download TV shows like Scrubs and Will and Grace, or rip them from DVD's so that I can put them on my Zune.

My birthday was amazing! Scott gave me Professor Layton and a cute as fuck stuffed animal/elephant love child whom I named Tobi! And then he took me to dinner at IHOP (brinner ♥) and to watch a movie (Iron Man!) At nighttime his dad dropped us off at the train station and we came back to my place and I don't even remember what we did. He may have done some math but maybe not. I know for sure we ordered Chinese food and watched some Scrubs.

Life is good.

trying to hold my ground 04/29/08@05:14PM
»mood   crazy
»music   Syd - On a Friday

Okay, so, I took care of blogger, Livejournal and now here I am. I really should be doing homework. Today was so windy and cold again it's beginning to irritating me. I like really cold (snow cold, that is) or warm. I'm tired of this weather teasing me like it's some sort of  young sexy hooker and I'm an old horny man who is so broke he can never afford her anyway. Sigh, that was stupid ha, but really I want some warm spring days! Please Chicago, please!

I feel so happy right now! And so lazy too sort of (hooray for putting off homework for like, the last hour haha.) Just a few days and then May will be here. MAY, already, what the hell?! Seriously WHERE the hell was I? All of a sudden it's May....ahh, it seems like just last month I was barely coming back from winter break. Oh man, before I know I'm going to be a second-year college student, then a college graduate, then WHO KNOWS?

This apartment feels so good without my former cunt bitch roommate!

lost on the road 04/23/08@09:21PM
»mood   crappy
»music   Two Gallants - Seems like home to me

Right, so, I feel frustrayed. And annoying. And a bunch of other negative things that I'm tired of dwelling on. So, I let's think of the positive: my roommate is moving out (all this drama took place). I'm glad, and when she does I think it's going to be nice to be able to have my own room again but I may also get freaked out now and then, mostly about the empty living room and kitchen, especially when I lay in bed trying to sleep.

I'll deal, though.

I can't stop feeling so lazy, and negativeannoyingstupidtireddepressed.
About a bunch of shit, though.
Funny how sometimes you think you're okay, then something just comes and hits you hard and before you realize it, all you want to do is cry and sleep.

I'm going to fail Critical Perspectives.

if we could, we'd forget everything 04/21/08@01:32PM
»music   Kimya Dawson - Loose Lips

Oh man, my first real sickness of the year has come. I blame my boyfriend. Ha. It's really not so bad though. My throat could hurt/itch much more than it actually does. I suppose I should consider myself LUCKY if anything. And honestly, I've never been sick with anyone before like I was with Scott this past weekend. It was cute in a gross kind of way. 

So Ivy is still driving me up the wall. Wednesday she came up with some bullshit about not feeling comfortable with male guests staying over. I wanted to punch her stupid ugly face so bad! Sigh. I could write for a while on how this makes her a hypocrite, a bitch and just stupid but instead I'm just going to say that it really pissed me off and I ended up crying on the phone with Scott for like an hour. When we stayed over the past two nights, we slept in the living room and it honestly wasn't so bad. It pissed me off though, that both nights she stayed pver at Grace's anyway. WHAT THE FUCK, RIGHT? Ugh. I don't understand how anyone can be so self-centered and BITCHY.

Hm. Time for my doctor's appointment. DAMN THIS ITCHY THROAT!

Beep Beep Beep 04/14/08@09:30PM
»mood   frustrated

I should be reading but it's just so so so hard to focus on biology when I feel so inspired and creative. I'm also quite sleepy even though I took an hour-long nap earlier. I woke up from my nap to Ivy peeing in the bathroom with the door pretty much completely open. I pretended to be asleep until she came out then I got up a bit after that and went into the bathroom. She was shocked to see me (she claims she didn't know I was in the room)

This weekend was nice. I can't actually remember the last time I had a shitty weekend (that I wasn't in Missouri or Iowa). It's so nice having someone in my life that I really like and really enjoy spending time with. Ivy is in the shower and I should be playing loud music while she's in there but I am in a strange mood tonight.

let's do it for the monsters under our bed! 04/02/08@01:03AM
»mood   calm
»music   Belle & Sebastian - Expectations

This Kimya Dawson girl (who sings most of the soundtrack for the movie Juno) has such an amazing voice and writes such beautiful songs. Since I saw the movie, I've been hooked. The whole score for that movie is absolutely genius. Scott burned it for me and brought it over Sunday night and I keep hearing it over and over.

So spring break has come & gone, and there were some shitty parts but eh, it's done with now. My new classes are OK but I feel like they're going to be a lot of reading and writing essays. I do think I'll really enjoy art, though (from looking at the syllabus) and even my biology topics course. The professor is foreign and moves kind of gay and sort of reminds me of a much younger version of Alan Rickman's character in the movie Dogma. And the course itself actually seems pretty interesting and laid back. And did I mention there's no lab?!?!  Woo!

Last night I ended things with daniel for good. In other words, I told him that I was in a serious relationship with someone and didn't see myself with daniel anymore, and that maybe it was better if we weren't really friends for a while. It felt so weird. Christine was having a little celebration of her own because (she says) she's waitied three years and a half for this and it's true, she really has. My cousin was also over when I did it and sort of gave me some support because Goddamn, I knew I hurt him and it's so hard to deal with that because he will always hold a special place in my heart, as cliche as that is, he really will, and it's hard to hurt the people you care about even when you're doing it because you know it's best.

I should have done more reading/homework tonight so I could get ahead, but instead I took a little nap and then played the Sims 2 for an hour. I am totally lame haha but that's OK.

(i felt you in my legs before i even met you) 03/25/08@04:47PM
»music   Tegan and Sara - Nineteen

oh shit, son!  the whole dorm room (yes, kitchen & dining area included) are CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN. it's so nice not having a roommate that comes and messes everything up and leaves fucking disgusting dishes in the sink for me to wash! well, technically, i still have a roommate (sigh) she's just out of town at the moment.

i'm really fucking looking forward to spring quarter. i can already foresee me being stressed out by art and english (as much as i love both of these subjects, i'm really not very good at them, ESPECIALLY art) and i may or may not pass this next biology course, but it will be nice not to have a hume class and not to have to worry about a biology lab.

missouri is out of the picture. so, i better fucking start doing better in all my classes! i feel like a dumbass for paying about $100 in application fees to schools that accepted me yet will never be graced by my prescence. ha.

it's 4:51. i ran for about 11 minutes today and walked six. it felt so good! i forgot how fucking good it feels to work out, especially run. i miss the nights my brother and i would spend at the track of slider middle school just running in the dark in the fresh wind. i think, overall, i had a pretty damn good childhood in texas. i can remember so many great things of the past eighteen years of my life.

it feels good to finally be in chicago, and to finally have someone who enjoys getting out and doing things with me, and to finally be making some new, fresh memories.

one hour and fifteen minutes until i can head off to the train station and meet scott. i best go shower now, and clean a bit.

that's the price of one more lesson learned 03/18/08@09:01PM
»mood   cynical
»music   The Guild League - The Storm

It's fucking bullshit when I can feel the long, bad night that awaits me. The smallest things make my chest hurt more than normal. The smallest things get me angry or irritated or depressed or jealous or a sick combination of all of the above.

So I'm listening to music, right? And I can just feel it. Not the music, but that damn feeling that starts to grow and creeps up in me as the night gets older and as it starts to sort of just settle in, and when I say in i mean IN IN IN FUCKING IN. To the point that you know you'll end up sobbing on the floor or into your pillow or as you pace your room or even sobbing on the floor of your fucking pitch-black bathroom. The worst thing is that no matter how much time passes, the feeling is never REALLY gone until morning comes, until I sleep on it and apathy and peace have the change to slip back in.

And even then, it's not really gone, just pushed in nice and deep.

03/18/08@10:47AM
»mood   contemplative

It's kind of nice that, when everything else seems confuse and uncertain, you wake up to SOME form of stability -- even if it is just your roommate doing her usual door-slamming-bathroom-water-running-calling-at-four-A.M. routine. It's sort of comforting in some sick way that no matter how many other things seem to fall apart and no matter how many things are on my mind, making me feel conflicted and worried...my roommate will always be her bitchy self.

My weekend was a lot like the icon I used for this post. Except that that Kurt Halsey photo really does it little justice. I wish it were Thursday already and not Tuesday 10:52 a.m.

I have an eight-page research paper to write today (since it's due tomorrow) and I haven't even really chosen a topic yet.

I feel like I've been here before (and I probably have.)

hold your breath because you only makes thing worse. 03/13/08@01:12AM
»mood   indescribable

I saw Jeff today.

It wasn't for long, of course. We met at a cafe a few blocks from here. I helped him out on his laptop a bit and we talked. He says he's going to El Paso in April to a court hearing to try to get custody over Sapphie back....fuckfuckfuck. I really don't want him to. I know he loves the kid, but she needs to be with Iris' parents, not him. I have faith that the court will realize that, though.

He gave me one of the letters Iris wrote to me. When I read it...holy shit I felt so depressed. I can't even begin to describe how completely depressed I felt. Like, every part of me just felt apathetic and  numb and ached. I used to want all the letters, but after reading one, I now know why he refuses to give them to me. Too much of the past brought back up. And I couldn't stop shaking for a while.

I used to think she deserved life and happiness more than anyone deserves everything. Jeff failed her, her children failed her, in a certain way, both Johnny and I failed her. What a sick terrible feeling is to know that you've failed someone that really matters, and that they're not around anymore to beg them to forgive you, and to try to make things better.

these words come in random order 03/11/08@09:53PM
»mood   numb
»music   Bright Eyes - A Song to Pass the Time

I think I'd forgotten how the good people are sometimes the saddest. I think it's the conscience.

God, I feel useless. What fucking consolation could I ever offer them? Especially while I myself am in this state. I used to sing in the shower. Now I panic and come out only to find out that I'm still as strange as I ever was, and that life is still what it's always been.

I may never be free of this growing apathy.

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