that [SmaLLz] Life

i guess i just have to take it day by day

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:56:58 GMT

I thought you were suppose to grow stronger after you've made mistakes. Why do i feel so guilty and helpless. And why do i still have strong feelings for him after he put me through so much shit? And why would he call me crying? Saying that he felt guilty about everything and he thinks that we made a mistake having the abortion. Why would you tell me this now? Now when I'm not even handling it well. Everyday after i had that done i've done nothing but cry, bc i feel like a let everyone down, and im thinking you know what about the innocent child i had inside of me, i could of raised it...sure it would of been HARD but I'm sure i would of had plenty of support..maybe not so much from my family but theres help out there. Then I look at my sister, and I always told myself i never wanted to end up like that, and i was you know doing what i thought was helping preventing from getting pregnant, birth control and yada yada...but i guess the best thing is to just not have sex.
I just hate feeling like this, and I just feel like i have noone to talk too. Which i know i do but its just i dont know i dont get what i need from talking to them. I still feel like shit about everything. I guess only time can heal a broken heart. I hate still having feelings for him too. Day to day i think of him and wondering if he misses me or thinks about me even just for a second. i dont think i would of gone through with this if i knew i would be taking it so hard. Before i went to have it done i did think out of all my options and all of them i felt like i would be a emotional wreck.
I've been listening to that britney spears song-someday i will understand...and i feel like its so perfect. I believe in heaven and i think everyone who dies goes there, and i think about the abortion and i know that the kid is in heaven, and i just want him/her to know that i am terribly sorry and i hope someday they will understand.
I thought that it would be an easy thing to go through you know since i didnt like see it in person or anything, but the thought that i actually had something living and growing inside of me and i took it away, it kills me. And im really afraid im gonna go into like a mental break down. And i dont need to go through that, i can't but its so hard to handle all of this right now. I just need a hug and someone to tell me everything will be okay and to just be here for me. And i feel even worse now bc i just got the job at my moms work [ IRS ] so i'll be making 2700 a month and im thinking wow you knwo i could of kept that baby and made it pretty good.
I think man if i would of been able to go to KENT this past fall i wouldnt of been in this situation, i would of never met him, i would of been doing the college thing which is what i want more than anything... so there i go again just putting myself down.
Well it really feels good to be able to get everything out, it doesnt help the crying stop but it helps a little. Someday i will be okay i hope..

second appt. the procedure

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:33:43 GMT

Well today was the second appt. .. the actualy procedure. I really didnt want Donny to take me...but he did. I didnt want him too bc i knew that there would be NO talking and i just wanted someone there who loved me. And of course.. he picked me up and DIDNT say one word the whole entire time... until we get in my drive way. He asks why ive been talking to the bitch..im like um i have NO DESIRE to talk to the dumb ass bitch who threatens me and my whole family including my little neicees. to me she's a pussy so why would i talk to her. he's like why are u lying to me and shit.. i was like fuck u im not lying..pull up my phone recorrds, neither of us have anything to talk to eachother about unless its her calling me complaining about how u cheated on her again and that you're a jack ass and then i laugh at her and be like well your a dumbass. but yeah..so he's like ge the fuck out of my truck, and let me tell ya i got outta that truck SLOWER than u could imagine just to PISS him offf. and then i slam the door. and he drives off all fast acting like a jackass.

so .. im not feeling too hot right now.. its a rough day

but my mom actually called and asked how i was today. She knows.. i told her. and she called today and asked how i was doing and it made me realize that she does love me. and she asked if she could take me out to dinner and a movie this evening so this will give me a chance to tell her everything about donny and stuff. and how i feel. i really want to start having a better relationship with my mom. bc reguardless i love her, she's my hero. she's been through so much in life and she's still strong. so hopefully all goes well tonight....and my mind will be off all this other stuff.

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 00:16:51 GMT

well yesterday was my first appt. the appt went well.. except one thing i wasnt too happy about. but anyway. jack ass ended up actually taking me. he calls me thursday night complaining about how him and the new girl broke up adn that he made a mistake breaking up with me and yada yada..of course my dumb ass believes him... so you can only imagine what i ended up doing with him be4 my appt... yeah.
so he calls me a little later after he drops me off at home after the appt. and says he made a mistake and that him and the bitch never broke up and he jsut wanted sex and shit. okay so by this point i could seriously kill him.. but then i realized its NOT worth my time. he's a douche bag.. always will be. I'm so much BETTER than that, i deserve so MUCH better than that. I can't even stand to look at him, and i think if i saw him i would kill him.. apparently he doesnt like fat ppl.. i hope a shit load of fat girls and guys jump his ass all at once and i hope they are all BLACK bc he's racist too.. so I think katie may end up taking me this friday to my second appt. hopefully all goes well.

it's time to worry about me and myself ONLY. FUCK ALL THE ASSHOLES in the WORLD idk i must have a sign on my head that says TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. seriously i have the worst luck with guys.

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 19:52:34 GMT

well...its been a while & boy let me tell ya a lot has happened. ..

Me not being able to go off to college this year has been nothing but a bummer for me. I was looking forward to that chance of getting away from everything i needed to exclude myself from. which consists of my mother constantly bringing me down, and the chaoticness of this house.
SO with not going off to college in August i began working. I had it good i was working two jobs, and i thought everything was going good at the Smallwood resisdence, boy was i mistaken clearly. Bc when October came along it all went down hill. Mom kept fighting with me and my sister and in result she kicked me out. At this point i knew i needed to get the hell out of there anyway bc i was so sick of this constent drama of worrying if my moms gonna blow up again, and the way she treats me sometimes i just dont deserve it. SO my dumbass moves in with this new boyfriend i just started seeing. YEAH clearly a bad mistake. but that lasted until Dec. so about two and half months of living with him. Thought things were good....oh no why would things go good in christy smallwoods life right? As soon as it goes good it all falls apart i've learned that i need to accept that. Anyway.... i found out he's not only lied ot me about basically everything i thought i knew about him, but he's also a prick. Bc in the two months of the relationship i got pregnant, YES if things couldnt get worse....LADIES watch out bc birth control is NOT 100% effective and somehow with my luck i get knocked up with birth control. So what does he do... he leaves me hanging. He now has a new girl yeah took him what like 5 hours to get a new one? Anyway he's apparrently been with her in the past and she broke up with him bc he cheated on her like 3 times... yeah and they are back together?? She's not dumb or anything...anyway she told me that HE's NOT HELPING ME with this whole pregnant thing bc she DOESNT want him too bc she doenst TRUST him. okay one how is that my problem...two this situation happen long LONG before he started talking to you again so yeah. ANd apparently he's not helping bc he doesnt want to loose her...
yeah so im in a situation ... a big one.. alone. I mean seriously how could someone be so heartless and mean. ??

I don't even know what I want to do. I mean i think about all the options i have and they all sound good.. especially ones that dont involve him for 18 years.
I just wish there was a way to make him want to help .... i cant do this alone..
So that means i'm back HOME.. yeah....again... yay....

More...In november my aunt and uncle were in a very awful car accident..both died. SO my family is still copping with that. It's def. hard. But everyday is jsut a new day. I just think of them as on a vacation at a very happy place and one day i will join them..

Christmas was okay. I got to see my dads side of the family which made it a little better than okay i suppose. It was nice seeing them. but a little weird too bc i havent seen them in sooo sooo soo long...

well im gonna try to use this thing more often...we'll see

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 15:59:15 GMT

well friday my grandma passed away. me and my mom were rushing to hospice but we got there too late. she was gone before we even got there. so mom let me go in there alone first, and i took a hold of her hand and i told her i loved her and told her that now she's with everyone she's lost in the past. I know that's what was best for her, but it's still hard ya know? ....
keep my family in your prayers and thoughts thank you.

I have to read a poem at her funeral tomorrow and im really nervous..

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:50:00 GMT

well.. i'm sitting at the hospice center where they took my grandma, hospice is basically where they take you when it's your last few moments at life. You know i never really went to go see my grandma after she started to forget things and stuff bc i hated seeing her like this. I grew up in her houose, before we moved to mason that's where i lived. me my mom my dad and my sister all lived in that little 3 bedroom house with her. and i remember sitting in her rocking chair with her and playing with her wrinkles on her hand. And her trying to teach me how to sew. of course that never worked out.
I didnt want to come today but i wanted to tell her that i was here and i wanted to say bye. bc since she has been really sick this last couple weeks my mom says she keeps asking about me.and that breaks my little heart. So i came today and she looks just like my aunt did who died a year ago. I dont want that image to be my last image of her. Bc the last image of my aunt is like that and i hate it. But I wanted to write this before I went in there by myself to talk to her and let her know that I am there even though she can't respond i want her to know her little christy is here and i want to tell her bye, bc i know i will regret it if i dont.

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 20:38:05 GMT

so lets see.. it's def. been awhile. Um summers finally here... just been hanging out with katie. I would sit here and go into full detail about all the shit thats been going on but it would be like freaking forever... but im really bored so i think i might. . . eehh nah.. i will put it in a nutshell.. basically me and franci aren't friends anymore she puts guys before anyone else in her life even her family which is pathetic especially when its a guy that treats her like shit. and yeahhhh i've been getting rid of the ppl that just weren't true friends so if your still around be honored bc that means your fuckin awesome (=

i have like 67 days until college... i can't believe it. I'm really excited, but im nervous too. I mena i know everyone else is going away to college too but it's like is everything going to be the same when we come back for breaks and stuff? I mean i guess things will be a little different... but idk..i guess i can't hold onto all this forever right? =/ but i think i might just stay at kent for like a year and transfer to cincy state. bc kents really expensive bc id have to live on campus and stuff. so idk.. i mean dont get me wrong Kent has been like my dream to go there all year. and im totaly excited i got accepted!!! (= idk we will see...

but i gues i just gotta live summer upppp (=

Thu, 01 May 2008 18:43:39 GMT

okay well i havent updated in a while.
um this past weekend was katie's bday, i went out with her that night..stripclub?? ha interesting...

and here lately i've been hanging out with Rob like everyday almost. He's like my other half. I absolutely love him, and i'm absolutely excited that he's going to PROM with me. It's going to be a fuckin blast and i'm gonna have the hottest date there ha sorry to everyone else! ;P

yeah that's about it, i havent really done much, besides hang out with rob.

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 02:30:37 GMT

okay well here for the past couple days i've been really just depressed. there's just a lot flowing through my mind. college is soon, and I HAVE no idea how i'm going to afford it. I Keep putting off scholarships and it's really bad. I basically give up in school bc im just so done. I dont need any of my classes. I'm ready for it to be over with it.
My Mom's really sick and I'm worried about her so of course that makes me sick bc i'm worried and stressed on top of that so i GET NO SLEEP which isnt healthy for me.
I miss my sister being around , i mean sure she maade a few mistakes, okay maybe a lot, but she's still my sister and i love her no matter what, and i just miss her being around. and i hate the fact that she's so stupid. but she has a lot of problems so you know she's always on my mind wondering how she's even surviving.
and then on top of that she's pregnant again which I've mentioned in earlier posts. and SHE CAN'T keep the baby bc of patrick he can't be around minors. So they are thinking about adoption... well it gets FUCKING better.......
FRANCI'S sister wants to adopt it. uhg i mean at first it sounded good but i got to thinking about it here lately and I HATE IT. Bc one you know she'll take it to go see sarah and patrick but you know she'll have it call her mom so it's going to confuse the poor kid to death and hurt my sister (which i know she's stupid in the first place for getting knocked up but still..) and then she'll be calling Franci her AUNT and then when i see it i will want it to call me AUNT but i can't tell the kid like I'm really your aunt btw , that's just awful. UHG .. idk i guess it's confusing.
I talked to rob about it today bc he has a brother who was adopted so that was like alot of help, and he completely understood how i felt, and it made sense to him and he understands why it would bother me. So i guess maybe i should try and explain it to franci. rob said he would be there with me if thats what i choose to do so that's good.
Rob's coming to prom with me which i'm totally excited about, and it makes me happy. He makes me happy ! Too bad he's gay he's perfect! ;P but he's my bestfriend and i just know i can trust him with anything and i love him so prom should be a blast this year with him.

advice..if you have it throw it my way.. thanks

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:32:10 GMT

so not much has happen lately. umm..
it's been beautiful the past couple days. I took Kayla for a walk yesterday, and today after school, KC came over and we had a play date with her and Zoey so that was good for Kayla. Ha we got the girls singing the song "GET SILLY" lol the cutest thing ever. (= and then I came home and got Kay in the stroller and picked up Tanner and Blake and took the kids for a walk, and came back and played outside with the kiddies then had a grill out with the neighbors.

I'm so ready for this weekend... EEEEE Franci's bday is Thursday so going to the club and getting our noses pierced hell yeah bitches...

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 19:55:38 GMT

Okay so I really don't understand GIRLS!! UHGGG .... idk why i bother anymore. I mean Franci came to me and asked for my advice. I gave it to her, she finally realized what a Douche Bo is, which he was and he treats her like shit, so she broke up with him, and then i go to tennesse and come back and they are back together?? UM what? She said "EVERYONE DESERVES a 2nd chance right?" um no not if they treat you like shit. Her problem is she just doesnt like being single..which is absolutely gay, and i told her that. but it's whatever it's on her this time, i'm done with her always coming to me complaining about how BO or guys in general are treating her like shit, they treat her like shit because they know they can. it's so annoying, and now we're back to NEVER seeing her again, because she'll always be with BO, and BO HATES me, apparently im a bitch and im a bad influence on her? whatever he doesnt know me.

uhg girls girl girls....... they suck

sorry i had to get that out in the open i am just pissed.

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 22:40:39 GMT

well tenesse was awesome. I had alot of fun. (= horse back riding and relaxing, and fun muesums. yeah pics are on facebook lol... i'm pretty much gone in all of them bahahahaha yeah 5 night drinking fest wooooooo ;P
anyway, so i'm back in ohio and it sucks bc i keep thinking about going back to school eeehh im dreading it like im soo done you dont understand.

anywayyy i will update later on during this week

bye

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 02:00:00 GMT

well.. lets see weekend... Friday I worked and then stayed at jordan's. (= then Saturday morning i worked, adn then hung out with Franci.. lol omgsh so much fuckin fun. *BANANA"S in kroger parking lot, and following hot pot heads down curvy roads, yeah priceless then remembering we had ice cream in the back seat. bahahahhaa. We rented movies, and they were all fuckin queer. DON'T EVER SEE GAG, TOY BOX, MARTION CHILD, and NANCY DREW.. uhg yeah waste of money. Then today we went out to lunch and just came home and chilled until i had to work. I seriously don't think i have ever had that much fun SOBER in my entire life. (=
Anyway.. so FRIDAY i leave for gatlinburg yaaahhhooooo... mm so excited i need this vacation.

mm i guess i will update after i return from gatlinburg.

love ya

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 01:14:50 GMT

well , i had school today.. boo always a drag, then after i went out to lunch with amber and ash. that was fun. we determined ashley is having a boy ! (= exciting. then i came home and had a doctors appt. bc of my back, so i had to get xrayed. woo, and apparently something didn't look right? idk i guess we'll see. then i came home and franci came over, we took kayla to the park for about an hour and we ran into Cammie, her baby is adorable! Then we came home, and dropped kay off and went job searching. Ran into Shannon and we decided we need to get our "BASKETBALL CREW" together before everyone goes off to college )= and then franci took me to practice driving. and yeah we just jammed to some old school music and had some fun.
GIRLS NIGHT SATURDAY! totally..mmm so excited (=

anyway.. it's the weekend tomorrow.. thank god!

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 14:30:13 GMT

well i haven't really updated lately. hhmm, This weekend it was like a blizzard outside, so i didn't really do much.
Thursday night i stayed at jordans. Friday night i work for an hour then came home and slept, saturday i slept like all day literally, and sunday night i worked. the new manager likes me ha im his favorite wwoooott. (= hhmm, and this morning, got to sleep in and went out to breakfast with katie and her crew. that was fun.
tonight i will probably hang out with jordan, or something idk.

well i guess i could actually go do something productive since im at school. lol yeah right.

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 00:22:48 GMT

okay well lets see, I have been talking to this guy names Nick, he's sweet, and we always laugh like nonstop it's amazing. He's 21 so he's older obviously, He's a mechanic at Toyota car dealership in Colerain, he lives in Colerain. He has his life pretty much on track and makes good money. . he's been there for 4years and next year he wants to move up and work at Lexus as a mechanic. He was engaged, but she was EVIL and like did all this shitty stuff to him, she cheated on him, and used him for his money. He spent all this money on her and spent all this money on this expensive ring and yada yada. So yeah, he had to get rid of his apartment so he could get back on track with his money situation so he moved back home, he has enough money to get his own place, but he wants to know he has MORE than enough so thats good. He has 3 fuckin cars? like seriously even if i did have money i wouldnt BUY three cars?? lol ohwell. . hhmm but yeah he's cool i like him just a little. We are suppose to chill this week, so we'll see how it goes. Well i hope, he like asked me on a date, so thats cute. And after the first day we hung out, he always calls me to just say Hi, and then he will call at like 1030 to say good night. I'm happy I'm able to laugh and enjoy myself with someone right now other than Jordan. However i still love him, and Nick understands that, and he still has feelings for his ex too which is understandable i mean he asked her to marry him and she said yes then cheated on him. uhg shitty. So i think we're both just looking for someone to have fun with and chill with, and we will see where it goes which is what we both said. So we'll see how our little date goes this week, if anyhting we will be friends (= Nicholas Young , aka Bumfuck lol oh goodness

anyway...
I've been sicker than a dog. I think it's KARMA bc Nick called me like two days ago and was like man i feel like shit and i laughed, and now i feel like shit..

peaceee

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 03:25:58 GMT

well i had a lot of fun today, besides exams. My english presentation omgsh *worst*...my face got BRIGHT RED and so did my CHEST! uhggg.... anyway after school i went out to lunch with Amber & Ashley. That was fun... dancing while old ppl watched us in the car next to us, and mexicans checking us out and blowing us kisses? mmm yummy. then we dropped Ash off and me and Amber came back to my house to watch the wee one (= while mom and greg went to the arinoff to see swinging todd uhg how rude. . . we drove to michael's (store) ha omgsh on the way back...i dont think i ever spent that much time laughing in my life. I love that girl all we do is laugh. then later katie came over and amber left and me and kt ordered food. then she left....and here i am... woooo it's so quiet when kayla's asleep and im the only one here...calming actually

debating rathe ror not to go to school tomorrow or not...ehh idk

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 00:40:00 GMT

well I've never told anyone this, but Linsey really pissed me off today and it came out.
She was saying how I was a bitch and that she hopes i have a nice life, and that i have fun fucking jordan and getting pregnant then see how nice my life is. Okay sorry but Jordan can't reproduce. yeah never told anyone this, and i feel sorry that i told her it jsut came out, and it makes me sad sometimes to think about it. Bc he was badly abused sexually and physically when he was younger my his uncle and it did some things to him. And like to think if i do end up marrying him, we can't have a kid of our own, thats why i always talk about how I want to adopt a kid from Africa. So she really pissed me off today when she said that to me, i need to talk to him about it i gues, but i know he'll want to run her over with his car or something, and thats not good cuz i dont want him to go to jail.

uhggggggg stupid fucking bitch! goddddddddddd

friends are sluts..well this one

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 14:26:43 GMT

So apparently my life is INSANE! So yeah i know i've been through a lot of crap in my life that most ppl haven't gone through and I've made mistakes but why and how does that effect your life? Yeah so Linz told me last night that she doesnt wanna be friends bc my life is insane and she can't HANDLE it? um okay thanks .... and i know this has something to do with Jordan. I know she's a lesbian and all is she jealous of jordan? I mean she always tells me how jordans not good for me. I'm sorry be he's the best thing that has happen to me..and obviously he really wants to be around bc who the fuck would do all the shit that he has for me..
uhggggg,.... idddkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I just really don't have luck with girls. . . .

bleH </3

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 02:28:22 GMT

so Kayla's bday is tomorrow she'll be two.! (= That pic is of her with her new computer toy thing we got her. Cuz we had a bday gathering for her saturday! she's too cute. I've taught her new words... she now says ROCK ON, PYSCHO MOMMY, and HEY TOOTLES! lol she's so freaking cute.. anyway enough bragging about how adorbale my niece/sister is bahaha.
So friday was Linsey's bday she got her L's back! (= so we're back to our old mondays.. mm so excited!! (=

hhmm anyway.... nothing much happen this weekend.

bleH peace

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 03:22:45 GMT

well i worked tonight.. we were actually pretty busy for the icky weather we had.
I work tomorrow morning 10-4 then after we're having a bday dinner thing for Kayla.. omgsh she's two years old already , my little niece / sister whatever you wanna call her, is growing up so fast. (= aaahhh so yeah my mom invited my sister and patrick to come too.. so we'll see how that goes. they are just uhg they piss me off when they're around kayla its like they don't even care... like oh yeah i gave birth to her ohwell.. uhg and i feel sorry for the kid thats on the way. GOD HELP HIM/HER!!! uhg ohwell

i'm suppose to go see amy tomorrow.. so exciteddd

then sunday i work 5-9 boo.. sundays are always my days off bc i help my mom ohwell.

post laterr!

Kay Bear <3 i love her so much .. ha that's my BIRTH CONTROL ;P

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:20:50 GMT

well, jord called me last night. i talked to him about how i felt. he apologized for not understanding how i feel, and not taking that in to consideration. he said that he only hooked up with the other girl bc justin told him that we fucked. when we clearly didnt, when i went to hang out with him i think i talked about jord the whole time. and thank god jord believes me, bc i could never do that, plus his friend is like idk.. odd. so we talked some more. He understands now, hopefully he said he's going to try to work with me. but for right now we're just friends, we both decided that maybe it is best if we see what's out there and you know in the long run if we do realize we want to be together then we will, but right now we're friends. he said he'd always be around for me though, and that i'm the only one that will truely make him happy, well we will see how that goes. maybe it's true. But i don't want anything serious, i can't go into college with anything serious it's not fair to me or him. I still fucking love him to pieces, and i believe i always will. I love him and care about him so much, but right now i just have to put MYSELF first for once. and it's so hard for me to do that. but I know i wont regret it. I know we'll probably end up getting married, but not for awhille. I love him (=

we're suppose to hang out today, i will update and tell you all how it goes. .

this weekend = AMY for sure. !! aahhh so excitedd
ha im like obsessed i can't stop looking at stuff about it..
mmmm so ecitedd

well peace out

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 01:05:58 GMT

uhggg .. well jordan found a new girl.. apparently a fuck buddy basically. uhggg i mean i never said i didnt want to be with him , i just DONT want to marry him NOW!!!! sdkjfhsdkljfhsdljkfhsdjklfhasdjklfhsdjklfhsdjkhfkjsdhfjksdhfkjlsdhfkjsadhfkjsadfhsdkjlhfskdjfhsdjksjkdfsdkjhfjksdhfjksdhfsdjkfhsdkjfhsdkjfhdsjk

thats how i feel....

Oh baby I lied
Got feelings for you I can’t hide
So sad but it’s true
I lost my mind when I lost you
Don’t look at me that way
It’s hard but I can’t let you stay
We both know where it leads
I have to let you go
It’s over we both know
And sorry won’t fix us this time

Chorus:
Words won’t help to
Heal what hurts you
I did what I had to do
So don’t start crying
I’ll start crying
My hearts broken too

Well God help me I’ve been blind
You just can’t change a cheating kind
We’ve been down this road before
I have to let you go
It’s over we both know
And ‘I’m sorry’ won’t fix us this time

Chorus

Sometimes it seems
I’d sleep for dreams
When you were mine
But with the sun
The truth becomes
So clear I can’t go back this time

Fact - - > I need him
Fact- - > He's everything
Fact- - > I love him

weekendd!

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 03:35:55 GMT

well Valentines Day = sucked !! I ended up going with jord. uhgggg i get in the car and there were rose petals all over. yeah most ppl would be like OMGSH how can you turn him down.. well quite simple when all he wants to do is marry me. Sorry but I'm 18 years old i have my whole life to think about marriage. I'm not ready for that type of commitment, this is when you change the most in your life. uhggg.... so the whole dinner was him planning how he wanted to get married. PARTY FOUL!! hhmm.. ohwell so i havent really talked to him much lately.

last night was "bowling" with kels and mandi but we ended up just going to P F CHANGS instead and eating dinner that was funn.
today i sleppt a lot, and then i went out to dinner with franci.. & we drove all the way to "amy" but it started rainging and franci got all scared! lol... it's creepy out there actually. and we saw the SIGNS!! aahhhhhhhhhh
& on the way there a freakin DEER runs out in front of the car..by that time we were like ummm.. WTF? AAHHHH
ha so i think we're gonna go with more ppl sometime soon hopefully i really wanna go!! (= But it was nice finally hanging out with franci ... then we went to Culvers and had ourselves a sundae then came back here and played some guitar hero and DDR

well update laterrr peaceee

valentines dayy **

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 18:18:22 GMT

well i was suppose to go to Abuelos tonight with jord, and idk if i really wanna go yet i haven't told him but i just want it to be good like it has been lately, but i have a feeling it'll be ruined by him bringing up our relationship. For one day i'd like ot just have an amazing night with him, just talking and not talking about relationship issues. bc it's great with him when he doesnt bring up marriage. . like seriously when he was 18 he wasn't thinking about that. when we first started dating it was good. we had funn ...where did that all go?
i guess i could call him, and talk to hm about it. i dont wanna start any more shit with him though. but maybe he'll understand? idk how he's still around though i've made so many mistakes..i guess he really truely does love me. i do however really wanan go to abuelos thats my favorite restaurant ... havent had it since my big 18th bday!!! (=

and then Justin (jord's friend) asked me to go hang out with him tonight.. i mean i like the kid dont get me wrong, he's amazing too, but i love jordan and i dont want to hurt him. maybe i should go out with justin to you know see what other guys are like instead of just jordan and thats exactly why i dont wanna marry him, but i can't do that to jord it's his bestfriend.

i will update and let ya know how it goes laterrr <3

happy

valentines

day !!