(no subject)  
12:34pm 04/05/2009
Today, I woke up with the worst feeling of pain in my stomach, it's the bad kind of butterflies...the kind the don't let you study or do anything without feeling pain. I can't sleep without dreaming of him. He was the man of my dreams and now the man in my nightmares. I can't listen to music without being reminded of him. I am reminded constantly what it was like to be with him as couples walk down the street holding hands or every damn song on the radio. It's called heartbreak. For me, I've learned from experience that the pain doesn't get easier after the day of the breakup; but worse as the days go on until I eventually find someone else.The problem is this time there will be nobody else for a while. I don't care what you say, but even if the hottest guy on earth was to like me, I wouldn't be with him. I've completely lost trust in all men, and I am allowed to have this opinion. I'm allowed to be depressed for 15 days (one day for every month together). Then I have to get the fuck over it, but for now I'm allowed to vent. I know I've dealt with heartbreak before, but It's never been like this. I can truely say I loved him with all my heart, and I have never been able to say that with anyone else. I miss his family, his goals and dreams, his smile, how my dog Darcy would always go to his house to play with his dog Clark, being dorks together, not caring how I looked infront of him, etc..... He took everything I had to offer and I won't be getting it back anytime soon. I can say I have never felt this much pain before because I was not happy with myself even before we broke up. I weigh the most I ever have and I feel like I can't even flirt with a guy without him thinking I'm fat. I have never felt this disgusted with myself, and I don't have any real friends here, my mom could never be my friend. She's heartless. I'm really alone. I did just join the gym and my goal is four times a week. I'm also on a diet which will make me feel a lot heathier.
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(no subject)  
07:18pm 09/12/2008
So when I think things will get better, they only get worse. I've basically been really depressed about my body lately..i can't even fit in some of my jeans. I have been focusing a lot on school but now it's time to focus on me over winter break. It's my goal. I NEED to get into better shape, beacuse right now it's not helping alex(my boyfriend) & my relationship with him. He says I'm gorgeous, but when i look in the mirror I feel like he deserves much better, and it affects the way I act around him. Right now I can really say I fucking hate myself..I feel like the fattest person alive and it need to be fixed NOW. I'm going to try so hard over break now that I wont be busy studying..I'm not going to make any excuses.beacuse guess what..the one thing i thought could get me not thinking about how sad i was(a job)..is NOT going to happen. I applied at KinderCare awhile ago and she kept delaying the interview..finally I had one last week and i thought it went really well...turns out they went with a girl with more experience. Seriosly..i needed this...i am broke. But now this will give me more time to work out. I rather be broke than fat...but I just really needed money for christmas presents and shit like that. I bought a cute pair a jeans from Buckle that were tight on me so they can be my inpiration to fit into after I've been working out a few weeks..It's going to be hard to stay away from all the holiday food ahh! Next time I update, I'm hoping to be 20 pounds lighter and much happier. We'll see.
mood: depressed depressed
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my life recently  
10:50pm 16/11/2008
Basically I am not happy with the way my life has been going recently. The only thing I'm happy about is good grades, but I would trade those any day to get all my problems fixed.

1. I NEED to lose weight. Actually, I'm not even concerned with the number on the scale, I just want to be toned and shit. I get massive headaches after working out so It's really hard to get any homework done after I go to the gym because my head hurts so bad. I know it's not a good excuse, but it really sucks. I wish I didnt have to go through it just to get in shape. Even my mom said I need to lose weight.

2. I NEED a job. Ive applied at a bunch of places for over winter break(I get dec.13th-jan.20th) off. I have like no money to buy anything, and my mom is the cheapest person EVER. My parents buy this huge house and a lexus and everything then my mom tells me to shop at goodwill. Are you fucking serious? I only work a couple hours on Sunday at a church nursery next to my dorm.

3. Alex(my boyfriend) and I are getting annoyed with each other more. I still love him..but around that year mark I always feel annoyed with guys...i cant help it..it suckkkssss!

4. I was going to get an apartment with my friend Lindsay of three years..and two other girls she just met on campus this year..and has becomes like best friends with one of them, Jen. The other girl is jen's roommate. I have been sooo excited about getting this apartment next year, and I even made a budget and lindsay and I have been talking about it for a while now. Ive hung out with her new friend Jen a couple of times and Jens roomate Laura when we all went out to eat. They seem like really down to earth nice girls. Then, a couple of nights ago a got a call from Lindsay saying we need to talk. She basically told me that I couldnt get an apartment with her, jen, and laura, because they didnt think they could live with me. First of all I have hung out with laura once and jen like twice..i have been nothing but nice to them..i dont like drama at all..Im just a chill person...i thought they were awesome and i couldnt wait to get an apartment with them. For them to judge me like that hurt really bad when they barely knew me how were they going to say that they couldnt live with me bc they thought our personalities would clash? what the fuck does that mean? I was sooooo upset. On top of that Lindsay is fucking me over to be with girls she just met over her friend of three years. She doesnt give a fuck at all. I just cant believe it. No one can really understand what Im saying and how bad it hurt unless i was a really good writer or in my shoes. I just had to vent about it, once again. I left out some things that hurt really bad..but i cant remember I just remember how shitty I felt.I dont want to live in a dorm next year thats why I have been excited about this apartment..

my boyfriend & I

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(no subject)  
12:29pm 17/06/2008
so friday was graduation then the senior party till 530am.....it was lots of fun i think the casino was my favorite. or the magician..the hypnotist was funny too tho. 

GUYS austin powers bathroom. loved the fucking urinals.

girls NEMO bathroom!

blackjack...way more fun than the real casino cuz i actually won shit=)

but yeah..havnt been doing much lately..just laying around with alex by the pool..i love summer cuz i have it soo easy right now. next year is gunna be a big slap in the FACE 


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(no subject)  
07:27pm 08/06/2008
 Prom was a lot of fun but i really missed my best friends..even though ive made some new ones they cant be replaced..wish they were with me=( i got a long with the girls in my group but they have known each other a lot longer so im just glad i had alex to talk to hes the best! but when i was slow dancing with him i couldnt stop thinking about how i wish you guys were with me=(

some pics the rest are on fb!




whole group

one of the two party buses..didnt have a stripper pole tho=(

grand march

music: damaged-danity kane
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(no subject)  
07:36pm 29/05/2008

So i went to the jail for a field trip last week and when this guy was just talking about stuff i started sweating really bad i felt dizzy and scared and turned white. Ive had that once before but lately ive been have axiety and freaking out in class...its really affecting my life..so fucked up? but yeah friday i went to katie hansens suprise party it was neon themed..ill have to post pics later if i can find my camera cord thing. didnt stay for very long becuase there was a better party across the street. and then after that a bonfire like a block away. im finally finding out by meeting more ppl like 100 ppl live in my neighboorhood that go to my school lol? but anyways i didnt really drink cuz im scared ill have another panic attack when i am. UGH. Me and alex's 4 months is on saturday..it feels like a lot longer. feels like a year...we are so close. I'm always really close to my boyfreinds but it's dif this time. I cant find anything wrong with him...we havnt had one fight yet and normally i always fight. so yeah prom is on the 7th and im really excited our group has about 40 ppl so we rented 2 party buses and then going to jeffs house for the after partyyy! Then senior skip day is that monday so prob goin up to one of my friends cabins but who knowssss ill def update this after prom....so my pool should open soon and that means summer 08 here i come babbbbby=) IM SOOOOO excited for new jersey in august alex is flying there with me to the beach house and meeting all my familyyyyy including my cousins new baby cuz shes due next monthhhh! I guess im just going to have my grad party there since i have no family here but yeahhhh thats it for now<33

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(no subject)  
06:29pm 08/05/2008
 It's pretty chill with my parents gone this week, alex gets to stay over everynight and whatever. Saturday I had a party and it was a last min thing but so many people showed up and i didnt know a lot of them so i was liek wtf? I saw made of honor, harold and kumar, and part of iron man. Made of honor is cute but im excited for the vegas movie. I love ashton and cameron. Everyone really wants me to have another party tm but idk if i feel like cleaning again lol.

at the party tanner did a flip off my balcony..i was freaking outtttttt haha.

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(no subject)  
04:41pm 01/05/2008
blahhhhhhh i hate being sick!#$% my throat hurts sooo bad. and just in time for the wkd while my parents go to europe? ugh i hate my bodyyyyyyyyy! friday night i went to valentinos nightclub it was a lot of fun but it felt weird having guys all over you when your not single so yeah i just cant wait for prom cuz ill get to dance with alexxx=) he asked me sat night! he asked if i would come over later cuz he was gunna make me dinner but i really wasnt hungry but he was like please come you wont regret it...and when i got there there was a dozen pick roses on the table and he knows i collect keychains so he had one on the table with his sr. pic and on the other side it said prom? it was really cute! so yeah i gotta lose a million pounds then go dress shopping lol....

some random drunk guy that started dancing with us...EW i look sick in these pics from dancing and shittttt

this guy was a crazy dancer he was so cool haha

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(no subject)  
05:32pm 24/04/2008
 well i really wrote this entry a couple days ago but i pressed of button accidently and it didnt save so i gave up lol. but last weekend i went to jeffs party..his house is so big it was crazyyy but so much fun! i also went to olive garden this week with jessica and her new baby so yeah here are some pics

michiah and baby ryan at olive garden(thats jessicas bf..not the babys daddy)

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(no subject)  
01:47pm 16/04/2008
okay so i havn't updated in a while so i guess i will=) apparently brian told people i said i wanted to make out with him which is the last thing i want to do...wtf? so i bitched him out and he said im too much of a bitch and don't deserve his time..blah blah..i didn't think that friendship would last long anyways bc he's a desperate loser. haha. but yeah friday i went to tim and the bellin's(who are twins) suprise party..so we just combined the 3 bdays. but yeah it was soo much fun..drunk dancing is the best=) i have a few pics...btw it was sports themed if you can't tell?

^^ no one would dance with that kid so he jumps in random pics haha?

^^ the cool drunkies that were dancing....

^^ & the losers that weren't dancing!=P
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(no subject)  
11:50pm 04/04/2008
so the last week was a horrible week. i have been so emotional lately and been having some major self esteem issues cuz of how i see my body in the mirror i hate it and i have been kind of down lately. ugh i just cant seem to get motivated cuz when im not at school im working or trying to fnd time for friends so fuckkk i need to look better for the summer. last night i went addisons when i got off work and drank a little too fast and ended up being drunk at perkins. it was me libby megan and moe. he drank way too much and threw up in perkins parking lot. but i was feeling pretty good and got to see my amazing boyfriend since he cant ever party with me on the weekends ERR. so we ended upgoin back to garrets and got in the hot tub with colin jeff garrett...moe couldnt join cuz he was like puking blood..i felt bad=/ but damn did i regret staying up so late when i had to get up at 630AM today for a fucking 6 hour info/tour thing at the U. it made me really excited to go there tho. i think im gunna change my housing thing and not be a roomate with lindsay bc she has been a bitch lately and im not going to live with her we are too different. she doesnt like drinking so dont think that will work out too well. but yeah after that i went to work till close so im about to pass the fuck out. tm is sunday how depressing back to another full week of school then working everyday next wkd. damnn i need a new life!
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(no subject)  
08:04am 30/03/2008

so yeah im staying home from school already and its the first day back from break! i have a fucking yeast infection and its so horrible! my mom said its really common and like all women get it like at least once...and i looked it up & guess what one of the causes could be from my birth control pills=( I have an apt. at 9 and if thats the case Im done with them. Bc i cant take another day of this fucking itching. I cant sleep or anything ahhhh. Like last night alex was gunna come over and stay with me but i was like noo youll never be able to get thru school sooo sorry im not letting youu=(

My break has been pretty nice. Havnt dont shit. Didnt even clean my room haha! just layed around and hung out with friends..but the week went by wayy to fast! Summer please fuckin get here soooooon!!! Oh yeah I saw 21 with alex it was pretty good. Alex goes to the casino a lot and plays blackjack and he wants to be an accountant or something so he always says hes good with numbers like the main guy in the movie soo it was funny how he could really relatee haha.

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(no subject)  
05:15pm 23/03/2008
i havn't updated becasue there isn't really much going on. I'm on my new laptop for college my parents got me for an early grad present. So far my spring break has been awesome..I have been hanging out with alex a lot because I know i won't get to soon. He made varsity baseball so he has practice or a game everday then works on the weekends soooooo just hangin out with him while i still can! we dyed easter eggs saw drillbit taylor and had wayyyyy too much fun last night=) ahh he is such a sweetie i am soo happy with him.  I think bein with him over spring break is better than goin anywhere=P But yeah i got the another guitar controller for easter for rockband so we can play with two guitars now hahaha woo? This week is gunna go by tooo fast i just want it to be fucking summer. But soon its gunna be like prom and graduation so yeah thats crazy! 
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(no subject)  
11:26am 16/03/2008

 okay sooooo i got accepted in OU finally..not that it matters anymore? cuz im gunna be a gopher bahaha=P um friday night i worked till close the went to a movie with lindsay jenny & jc for lindsays bday which was the next day. we saw horton hears a who..i loved it lol soo funny & cute. u gotta see it=) yesterday i worked then alex came over and we made brownies to give to linz....and met up with her and people at this one pizza place. it was funny cuz shes friends with this girl who doesnt swear or anything..shes 18 and cant see a pg13 movie..and all this shit. mulder is sittin there textin everyone like quick everyone start talkin about the bible lmao. i know its sad but funny..um after that alex dropped me off at moe's party cuz he had to work at 1030=( but it was sooo much fun! i love these peoplee. there is like no drama and all just like drinking and havin fun. im so mad i never take my camera anywhere but sophia took some pics..

...HAHA moe wrote rules for the party??

me & moe

me and garrets handshake!

tim(left) was soo gone. jeff(middle w/hat) my fav drinking bud=) 


 libby, me, & tim

sophia meg & libby
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(no subject)  
01:58pm 11/03/2008
 soo do you remember me talkin about lauren griep and the fight we got into?? how she was threatning to come by my work and beat my ass, ect. she texts me from random numbers trying to start shit. i lent her $ when we were friends she wrote me a check to cash when we were friends and it bounced and shes like well you should have cashed it when i had money in my account. too bad. i was like how the fuck was i suppose to know when you had money in your account are u serious bitch!?! but yeah that was how our fight started...and in the summer and early school year she alaways borrowed my cute hollister clothes which annoyed me. we havnt talked in a while but she just texted me sayin "hey thanks for the clothes. ya know if you weren;t such a bitch i wouldve given them back. hmm bummer isn't it?!!?" I am SO pissed. i texted her back sayin " dont worry u prolly need them more than i do hun if tyler breaks up with you and stops giving your broke a$$ money" bc her bf is a drug dealer and always bought her shit and gave her money cuz she a dumb bitch who couldnt graduate and no life ahead of her. shes textin me saying im patheic and all this shit and i was like dont you have anything better to do than start shit with me..wait no you dont. now thats pathetic. she said " i have a job an it pays for my gorgeous ass house i live in. if im pathetic why am i doing better than you? everyone thinks your a retarted blonde who doesnt know up from down. im like im going to the U of M and you couldnt even graduate from high school Ha. im done with her.
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(no subject)  
02:04pm 08/03/2008
 so finals were wed & thur so no school yesterdayy! thur night alex and i hung out all night it was a lot of funnn. friday am my mom comes in sayin like u have an apt at 1 at planned parenthood to get bc. i dont like my cramps but i think she just doesnt want to deal with me gettin pregnant. haa. so ya its gunna be hard to remember to take it everyday at the same time. umm went to the gopher hockey game with jenny alex & nikki. the student section looked soo fun i cant believe im gunna be goin there next year! and we won woo hoo. then alex & I went to 10,000 BC it was pretty cool. then he came back to my house slept overrr=) ahh it was sooo amazing he told me he loved me. i was just layin on the bed with him and hes like kellie..i love you. i seriously got the chills thats never happened before im soo happy. but my wkds pretty much over=( i work tonight till close then tm's sunday and nothin goin on boo.
music: in my arms-plumb
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(no subject)  
09:21pm 03/03/2008
so friday i worked till fuckin close like always. then did nothing but i was up till 4 on the phone i couldnt sleep. brian called drunk sayin he wants to fuck me and all this shit so i was like what the fuck and hung up. saturday i went bowling with alex and sucked and he was good obviously..but yeah it was funny. then went back to his house and layed in his heated bed and looked at his old yearbooks and wheres waldo! omg in his kindergarten book it was soo funny there was a kid named bill uses knife. i was like whattt the helll? hahah then i had to work till close again. went to perkins with some people that wanted us to party with them but yeah i didnt really feel like it so me and jenny just ended up drinkin an chillen in my hott tub it was fun unitll she threw up over the side of the hot tub then didnt stop till 6am. it was scary she was shaking and all this shit so alex came over after work at like 4 to help me take care of her..hes soo sweet i love how hes always here for me. so i ended up finally sleeping at 8am and had to work at 1130. longest day at work ever..soo tired...but alex stayed over till 1 last night helping me with physics..so i was sooooo tired at school today like a walking dead person. brian called last night and was like i apologize for putting you in an awkward position. i was a drunk idiot..uh okay. but finals are wed & thur so no school friday thank god. and i'm going to the gopher hockey game with jenny, alex, & tony so that should be fun.
music: sweet dreams!
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(no subject)  
11:38pm 29/02/2008
my dads a fucking asshole. i came home from work at like 1115 and had plans for people to come over and hes like no boys past 12. im like what the fuck since when alex comes over that late all the time and before than all my guy friends did. FIRST of all im 18. SECOND ALL I DO IS FUCKING WORK GOD DAMNIT. If I'm working till close friday and saturday night when the fuck am i suppose to have time for friends. during the week im workingor doing homework but no i cant even have time with friends. At the age having guys over shouldnt be a problem especially when i have a fucking boyfriend whos not going to even be here. But i pretty much know the reason why he's being a jerk. my mom was wasted b4 i went to work at 4 and he prolly came home and she was drunk and then he gets so pissed off and takes it out on me but ruining my night. FUCKING CUNT. its not my problem your bitch wife is an alchoholic maybe u should get her some help idiot. god damnit.
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(no subject)  
01:39pm 28/02/2008
 so i woke up this morning and my mom was like i'm giving you and matt money for dinner. i'm like why. she's like cuz i have an operation. i'm like what? she's she i have skin cancer. i'm like wtf? i looked at the paper she had and its the most common kind so hopefully everything will be okay she didnt tell me anything about it.... seriosuly i know we arnt close and her being an alchoholic distants me from her but wow i realized what a poor relationship we have. i always want a mom like my other friends moms..i'll know how to be a good mom cuz of how shitty she is at being a parent. 

i'm actually hanging out with alex today so i'm real excited since i havnt for like a week. =] and tomorrow after i work jenny and some guys we met from the club are comin over. oh how i love drunken hot tub nights!
music: shut your eyes-snow patrol
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(no subject)  
05:03pm 26/02/2008
 i felt so shitty yesterday so i wasdriving around not really knowing where i was going. i feel so fat lately and ugh i need to just get motivated. summer is coming up so soon. and it sucks bc alex can never hang out cuz hes working or too busy or im working..we get to hang out maybe once this week..and when my boyfriends actually live in my state im used to hanging out with them everday. maybe its heathier this way but it still sucks never bein with him. and once baseball starts ill never see him ugh!
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