my heart hurts. even more than when we first broke up..it keeps getting worse. it feels like someone squeezing my heart and somehow making me want to tear up with each beat. i cant go through one day without being reminded of him at least 100 times..i am trying so hard. i try to keep myself busy and its like im in some kind  of hole and can never get myself out. i cant explain it. i just want to text him and say i miss you its so hard not to. i wish his number was erased from my mind. everyone around me has a guy to text or talk to on the phone and i want it so bad. i love the feeling of love. feeling so secure and settled. thats how i felt with him.i trusted him and let go of everything..he had my whole heart im affraid i wont get it back for a long time. people say just keep your head up and find a new guy or blah blah..but its harder than anything imaginable. i love him more than life, and he just threw me to the curb and is done with me. i feel so alone and unwanted like a little ant thats ready to be squashed and would go unnoticed and not cared about. i dont care if anyone reads this i just want to get my feelings out. i want to be loved and cared about and looked at the way he did. he loved me so much. i could see it in his eyes when he told me im beautiful...or how he told me he loved how i played with his baby cousin and could see us having one day and i would be such a good mommy. its like my whole exsistance is a blur and i need someone to hang on too. not just anyone..him. hes like only one i want...but i have to face reality. everyone says you will find the right guy someday. but i compare everything to him. even tho people dont think hes cute i can point out a million things i love about him. his smile makes me want to melt inside and the things he says to me and how we connect and relate easily. i should be talking about the bad things but its like ive always been with him..i want to focus on the good and push the bad out of the way to move on and make the relationship better...now i need to learn how to destroy him. its hard doing that to someone i love. i dont want to say bad things. i try but i hate it. i wish i was stronger and more independant..i have let myself become so comfortable with him thats its hard to know how to live any other way. even tho i try to fit in and like parties...i know i am just a girl that wants to snuggle up on the couch with someone that loves and cares about her...the best feeling i have experienced is laying in his arms..i want it back so badly..more than anything in the world..all my problems go away..please god just give me mercy...