none of my flights are ever uneventful. never. first, everyone thinks i'm only 15 years old. random old saggy tit ladies want to try and baby me and buy me potato chips or give me some crackers. that'd be kinda cool if they didn't insist on having their hot grandma breath all over my face. but don't worry, i take care of that shit real fast. i give them "tic tacs" more like a random cocktail of meds to knock them the fuck out. old lady breath be no more!!!

i can't stand that shit. i mean, it would be cool if it was actually an advantage. so far, looking younger than i am isn't really getting me anything i want. during the whole flight, i'm kind of freaking out because somehow my high wore off. i'm suffering from something like withdrawal. i'm fucking hallucinating... okay i guess i have some explaining to do. you ever seen the tv show house? he pops pills like crazy. well, i might do the same thing...sometimes. but i ended up giving all my shit to the old ladies to shut them the fuck up.

now i have this fucking itch i can't scratch. i'm literally going insane or something. worse than when i first got introduced to the texas summer heat. but anyway, i'm fucking hallucinating. this only happens when i don't get what i need. i fucking start seeing a shitload of zombies, my life basically turns to dawn of the dead. there is this one zombie though, he's fucking hot. his name is john-pierre. one time, he stood with me during a whole bus ride trying to eat my brains and grab my ass. it was hilarious.

well, i wouldn't mind if it was john-pierre with me on the plane. i actually enjoy his company more than i do most people. however, it wasn't him it was luisa, john-pierre's jealous ex girlfriend. and she had some crazy notion in her undead brain that her darling pierre was having an affair on her. so she kept trying to go mortal kombat on my ass.



everyone was just looking at me like i'm crazy though. but i'm not. i beat her ass. pssh, i'm bruce lee with a vag. i don't give a fuck. she's lucky i didn't throw her rotting ass out the plane. pierre doesn't love her anyway. just sayin'. OH! yeah, so like if you were wondering, what i was doing on a plane, i will tell you. um, i'm going back to new york city. yes, that's my jerusalem, that's my fucking holy land. i've been away for almost two years and it was the worst thing anyone could possibly do to me.

mind you, i've had terrible things done to me. most of it, i did to myself. not to toot my own horn. but yes, new york city, the best place ever. the only thing i have missed more than nyc is riley fucking avery. that is my right-hand. there is nothing we haven't done, nowhere we haven't fucking gone. we had no limits, no boundaries, we were what everybody else was too scared to be. we were free and wild. but i hear she changed, i hear she got "tamed".

to be honest, i think it's just an act. you can't change who you are. you can only hide it. duh, that's why there is so much identity theft and rubber dildos in the world. wait..the last part had nothing to do with the point i thought i was making. anyway, speaking of who we really are. i'm harlow alighieri. yeah, like the dude who wrote dante's inferno. yeah, he wrote it because it was a book before it was a fucking kick ass movie and video game. it was a kick ass book first and foremost. understand, bitch? yeah. you better. i'll spit fire on you. i'm a dragon.

me and riley's sexy ass go way back to when we were in diapers, shaking our asses like shakira does now, (where do you think she got her moves from?) drinking bottles wishing it was whiskey and bitch slapping that purple dinosaur bernardo, bastard, barney? one of those b names. i can't remember. yeah that's right we were bitch slapping his faggot ass. and when our parents dared to ask us what we were doing, we told them we were finger painting on his face. smart asses, bad asses since infancy.

i'm not gonna lie, i think i stopped aging the second they took me away from riley. my growth was stunted, it was ridiculous. i think i turned into a vampire or something. i don't even know. maybe it's just another hallucination. but i don't care. i've missed her with all my black little heart. we use to have the most fun ever, running around naked in the middle of the street for five bucks to win a bet. being chased by the cops every other day of the week. making strippers do the robot for us. filling our mouths up with as much liquor as possible, looking like chipmonks, then spitting fire with our lighters. we use to bungee jump off bridges and rob chinese delivery people. the best part about that was when we did it when we had the munchies. we would be so high, we ran in zig zags and would tackle the chinos and fall all over the bike and army crawl under cars to hide from them. it was pretty cool, it was always a surprise, we never knew what we were gonna end up with, pork fried rice with chicken and broccoli or chicken wings with french fries. either way, it was a win win situation.

i guess, i was gone for so long she tried to change and be someone she's not. but it won't stay like that for long. not with me back in town. and i swear, the second i laid eyes on her, i had bats flapping around in my stomach wildly, psychotically, schizophrenically. because butterflies are for wimpy losers and fags. riley, me and john-pierre are gonna live the fucking life. WANT.TAKE. HAVE. that's how shit goes around here.

LET'S GET THIS FUCKING PARTY STARTED!!! THROW YOUR BRAS UP IN THE AIR BITCHES. imma collect them. please and thank you, have a fucking fan-fucking-tabulous mother fucking day, night, whatever. same shit to me.

today is june 1st. that is very important. the first of every month i have a very important task. i know it's my first night back in new york city but i already have a routine. this is how it goes. every first, i have to pick a college or university to be my preyground for the whole month. preyground because i'm obviously a predator and the students are my prey, well only the hot females. once that is accomplished, my goal is to pretend i go to that school, and lure students and get into their sexy panties. every week i have to pick two girls i'm very interested in and at least bed one of them. once that is done, the next week means another pair of girls i have to charm. it keeps me busy, it keeps me on my toes and it's a rush. it's all about the chase. by the end of the month, i strive to at least bed one extremely hot professor. sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. but when it does happen, i fucking celebrate.

p.s. i will be posting pictures and telling stories about my most memorable conquests throughout the month. some are worth telling, some are not, that's why i won't sit here and waste my time telling you all about the boring stuff. let's hope these girls i pick fuck like stars. because if not they will just be another boring story, that i will be sure to never tell. wait...but if i never tell the story would it still be considered a story? i'm not sure...it could be an untold story, but if it isn't a good one, i won't even mention it....so you won't even know it existed. so it'd be more than just untold, it's existance wouldn't even be acknowledged...so you know what? i'm just going to stop right there. leave it at that.

riley seems excited to have me back in her life. too bad she's all about being committed to that roxan girl, because if she wasn't, i'm sure we would have one hell of a fucking time playing this little game of mine. who knows? maybe she might even cave in. or maybe i might find someone to play this game with. you never know. life is pretty unpredictable and chaotic. anyway, i just spent some time with riley and her girlfriend roxan. i'm not going to lie, roxan is fucking hot. but it is pretty obvious she is still a virgin. i had noooo idea those really existed anymore. i honestly thought they were a god damn myth or some shit. a legend. a hallucination. just a word in the dictionary that nobody can make sense of. what? what's a virgin? uhhh...

i'm shocked riley hasn't tapped that yet. maybe that's what they're about. riley's only with her for the chase? the ultimate grail? a virgin? a piece of eden. who knows, maybe roxan's virginity is up for grabs. i'm an assassin and if that's a piece of eden and the templars are after it. me and riley will protect her and take her virginity for ourselves to save the earth. duh. obviously. fuck the templars. more like templards. lol. lards. HAHA.

oh, anyway, regardless. here is my decision on my preyground....COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY. i picked that school because it's not that far from my house. so let's see how it goes. that place looks like a courthouse. but anyway. there you go. mark your calenders. because a week from now i should be giving you an update about my conquests. hopefully, i'll find some hot girls tomorrow. i'll let you know how that goes.

let's make those bitches' panties drop. low low low. i'm the fucking king of the world, get down on your knees. i wish and hope for happy hunting on my part.