what i'll never show, what you'll never find. [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | walk with me, my one and only. ]
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In a strange room you must empty yourself for sleep. Before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. [31 Jan 2008|09:53am]
[ mood | Happy. ]
[ music | Nada. ]

Estoy feliz ahora porque mi novio es simpatico hoy. Despues escuela y trabajar, fuimos ir a la mi casa para 'dormir'. ;]

Today has been much better. He and I talked for a little after school, and had a pretty swell time. Except for a minor mishap that I'll probably explain next time I update, since I haven't got much time now. Five minutes and he and I are free from school until Monday. Thank God for finals, really. Easy finals. We will hang out from ten in the morning until he goes to work at two, and then I go to work at five and get off at ten (maybe nine, like last night). And then he'll be accompanying me back to my humble abode and he'll be spending the night with me, and then we'll be spending all day Friday together before he goes to band practice, and I go to Veronica's for a night of movies and junk food, and possibly a hot tub? She's a sweet girl. 

I'm looking forward to the weekend, for once.

Joe brought Ratatouille! And we will watch it.

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God damnit. [30 Jan 2008|11:02am]
[ mood | Pissed off. Hurt. ]
[ music | Nothing. ]

I don't know what's been going on lately, but Joe has been a complete fucking jackass. I don't know what the fuck is up his ass, or what has him acting the way he has been, but I don't fucking like it. And I'm finding it really hard to keep my fucking mouth shut, in a sorry, pathetic attempt to keep the peace. He's been a fucking prick all week; today, Tuesday, and Monday. If he doesn't fucking shape-up by tomorrow, he's not fucking sleeping over. He can fucking sleep at the fat bitch's house. In fact, when I asked him if he wanted to stay, it appeared he would have been more excited if I would have asked him if he wanted an at-home-vasectomy. I kept asking him, and either he wouldn't answer, or he would just half-heartedly nod. It really feels like he's turning into his last-year self, and I hope to God, for his sake, that he isn't, because I won't fucking put up with it this year. I was looking at him earlier at break, in between the finals I had today, and I was listening to him be an asshole and making fun of me as we were eating, and never in my life have I ever wanted to hit someone so badly. I want to punch him in the fucking nose, 49589345893468 times. And then before my second final he's acting all weird. Won't put his arm around me or hold my hand or kiss me, so I get upset, and he gets mad. So I fucking walk away from him. I'm tired of being there at his fucking convenience. He's a fucking douchebag most of the time, and I don't fucking deserve it. We've been doing so good lately, which is why it's so upsetting that things have fucking turned out like this. He better knock the fucking shit off, or I'm going to knock him upside his silly fucking head. I'm about done getting upset over how much of an asshole he is, and I'm about to start going fucking psycho on him. I hate when he does this to me. He treats me like I'm fucking property. I thought we were fucking past this. I'm not about to spend another six fucking months being unhappy, just because I'm afraid I can't be without him. Obviously I could, if it really came down to it, even despite how much it would fucking hurt and kill me. But if he treats me like this, who fucking needs him? Not me, that's for damn-fucking-sure.

I have exactly an hour left in this class, and I'll probably use it to decide whether or not I want to keep putting up with his fucking nonsense. I hate that I fucking teeter between breaking up with him and staying with him over this bullshit, but I'm not the kind of person that will tolerate being mistreated or disrespected. He's a fucking twit. An asshole. A stupid fucking jerk that acts like he doesn't love me anymore. And sometimes I seriously think I fucking hate him.

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Opening. [18 Jan 2008|07:08am]

Opening night last night was amazing. I learned my lines a little before the show so I was good. Everyone hit their ques and no one fucked up. I saw Veronica Vallee make a mistake, and it was pretty obvious, but I'm hoping I'm the only one that noticed. Overall, it was good. Joe didn't go; he had work. He's not going to the one tonight either; he has to go to his Mom's, so I understand. My Mom didn't go. She probably isn't coming tonight. It just makes me feel bad. I know my part isn't fucking crucial, but seeing people with smaller parts than me running off the stage to see their family and friends just makes me feel like shit. The only play I remember her coming to was when I played Guildenstern last year. Robert, my step-dad, has been to more of my shows than my Mom has. I know I shouldn't bitch, but it makes me feel like shit nonetheless. 

I'm still really sick. It's horrible. I took so many vitamins this morning, along with some sudafed. And I'm drinking orange juice and sucking on cough drops. I hope it goes away. Last night when I got on stage and started talking, my voice cracked. Luckily, all I had to do was clear my throat, and it was a little better. I still sounded like shit, though.

Ugh. I want to go home.

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[17 Jan 2008|12:18pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | Nothing. ]

Sitting in fifth period now, which is my American Goverment class. Just took a test. Got a D+ on it. Kathleen is sitting next to me and she is a bitch and got a B+. Lol.

I still feel like shit. I have a ziploc bag full of pills and cough drops and throat lozenges in my purse, and after school Joe and I are going to the store and he's buying me Sudafed. I don't want him to, but we got in a fight about it earlier, and he told me I was being retarded, so I just caved. I hate that he spends his money on me, but whatever. I spend my money on him, so I guess we're even.

I have my lines down for the show, so that's good. 

I don't really know what else to say. I just feel like crap.

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Estoy enferma. [17 Jan 2008|10:27am]
[ mood | Sick. ]
[ music | Imogen Heap - "Headlock" ]

So I'm really sick. And it sucks. Work last night was horrible. Joe and I have both been sick, so we've been fighting because we're super irritable. I think he's over his cold because he has an amazingly strong immune system. But of course mine sucks, so my cold is getting worse. I broke down into tear at work last night because I was so overwhlmed. I hate that morning and afternoon people don't do their job, so I was stuck doing so much more than what I was supposed to.

I bought a bunch of throat drops from the gas station this morning, and Joe brought me some stuff. He's kind of being..estupido? No se. 

I perform tonight, if I can. If I can talk. That is, the play myself and my advanced theatre class have been working on since before Thanksgiving goes up at seven this evening. Tonight is opening tonight, and tomorrow is an encore performance. I got my lines down this morning. I wasn't granted that many, though it's a good bit more than what those aside from the leads got, so it wasn't that hard. Luckily I've got a great memory. Last year, when I played Guildenstern in "Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead", I had over a hundred pages of lines to memorize. Muy facil. :)

Mas luego.

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My weekend. [14 Jan 2008|10:11am]
[ mood | Starving. ]
[ music | FOB. ROFL. HELP ME. ]

This weekend (this Friday, rather, and early Saturday morning) was fucking amazing. The concert was incredible, and I had so much fun. Joe was the sweetest thing in the world. During lovey-dovey songs, since his arms were already around me, he'd squeeze me closer to him and give me kisses. I was knocked down once, and Joe helped me up. And I thought I was going to be alright during the last song, since nothing had really happened, but this guy came up over Joe and I. He had cowboy boots on. One of them hit Joe in the head, the same one hit me in the head, and his weight came crashing down on me, and I fell on the floor, and I couldn't get up; I couldn't even move. I was nearly in tears because it was so scary. Lol. I watched Joe punch the guy in the face at least three times, maybe four, and then he pulled me up and started apologizing and kissing me and holding me to him. My head hurt so badly. Lol. I had a bump for a good part of the weekend, but today it's rescinded, even though it's still a little sore. But overall, the entire day (after school) was fun. I enjoyed spending time with Jesus and Sandra, on top of spending time with my baby. After the concert, we waited outside for a little over an hour for all the valet people to bring Jesus's car around. I slept on the way home, stretched out in the back of the truck with my head on Joe's lap, and then when we got back to my apartment, it was about two in the morning. I ran and got us towels and we went down to the pool to use the showers there because we were so dirty and stinky. Lol. So after we showered, we ran to the bathrooms there and hung out because we would have caught our deaths in the cold otherwise. Then we changed and went upstairs, where my Mom was waiting up, so I explained that we'd wanted to shower. We scarfed down food and had another cigarette and then laid down on the couch. I'd set my alarm for 6:30 so he'd be sure to get up in time to go to work, but he woke me up at about four-thirty in the morning with kisses. Best way to wake up. So of course I couldn't go bac k to sleep because I'd have much rather fooled around. So we did just that, and then just laid there together until he had to get up and get ready for work. I felt so bad. It was freezing out. :[ I went back to sleep on the couch after he left until I heard my Mom yelling at me to go to my room because Austin had gone to work so I could go in there and sleep. I went to sleep until noon and then got up and showered for work at one o'clock. I was dead on my feet, it was horrible. I only worked four hours, so that's good, and I called Joe when I got home, but I'm positive he was sleeping because he didn't answer and didn't reply, not even with a text. So I ate a little bit of food and at about a quarter to eight I got a text from him saying something like, "okay baby i'm up now and i'm not busy so if you're not asleep or tired call me whenever you like i love you <3" Unfortunately, I couldn't call him until after nine because something happened with the toilet in my room where it kept overflowing, and we had to call the emergency repair people and they sent a guy up to fix it. He was a really nice Hispanic guy. I was on the phone with Joe for about an hour. We both caught a wicked cold from the show, so both of us could barely talk, and we were both so sleepy. Sunday was boring. I worked from seven in the morning to 11:45. Called Joe when I got home, but he was cleaning out the garage, so he couldn't talk until about 1:30, so he called me then. So I went back to sleep, then got up and got on the computer, and played this really cool game where you can be a pirate online with other people. Based on the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. It's fun. :) I called him last night and talked to him for a while, then went to sleep.

Austin, my twin brother, didn't come to school today because of a 'migraine'. I'm almost positive the only reason he stayed home is because he stays up way too late and he doesn't want to get up. He slept through his alarm, meaning he wouldn't have had time to shower. He didn't shower yesterday or the day before either, which is really fucking gross, because we have to share a room. And I don't want him to start stinking. I'm not being mean, but ever since he moved in, there's been kind of an odd smell in my room. :[ Gross. Anyway, if he fucks me over for work tonight (we work at the same place, oddly enough) and I'm the only one closing, and I have to stay until eleven or after, I'm going to fucking kill him. I told him that if he wasn't going in, he needed to call and have his shift covered, because it isn't fair to me. I just texted him and reminded him, and I told him that I'll kill him if he fucks me over. Because sometimes the people who stay until ten, even though PetSmart closes at nine, have to stay even longer. I had to stay until fucking eleven one time, because no one else would.

This week is going to be hell. I work six to ten tonight, six to ten tomorrow, five to ten on Wednesday, and then I perform at seven in the evening on Thursday, and then four o'clock in the afternoon on Friday. So I lose my fucking Friday, that I was going to spend down at Joe's Mom's with him. Ugh. I seriously can't wait until I drop theatre. It's just a bullshit class and it sucks. He and I are going to the NAMM show on Sunday, though. Hopefully. I hope his Mom decides to let him go without being bitchy.

I was going to update sooner, but I can't reach this website from my home computer. It never works. :|

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Damnit. [11 Jan 2008|10:03am]
[ mood | Happy. ]
[ music | Nada. ]

Today was okay. Boring. Joe was in a mood this morning. And it elevated so much that we got in a gigantic fight, which is really funny now that I think about it. I brought us a sandwich to eat at break, and so did he, so he wanted to eat one before this period, and one after this period at break, so he did. And he called these girls fat as he shoved half the sandwich in his mouth (I'm exaggerating a little) and I made a joke about him having no room to talk, especially since his mouth was full of food. And then he said something like "fuck you, booby" and walked away from me, and I thought he was pissed. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't tolerate him talking to me like that anymore. I used to, but I don't know. So I said something about it, and he claimed to be kidding, but I guess I'll never know for sure. I didn't really get pissed until he yelled at me, "Just shut the fuck up! I'm tired of you getting fucking pissed!" When I wasn't even mad. :[ So we told each other 'fuck you' a couple of times, and then when the bell rings he tells me he loves me and tries to kiss me. And I think that something like that is horrible bullshit. I don't allow people to go from screaming at me and saying mean shit, to trying to be nice. It doesn't work that way for me. So he got pissed because I wouldn't kiss him and walked away, and I tried calling him back, but he ignored me the first few times, until he finally turned around and asked "What the fuck do you want?" I just texted him, though, with, "im sorry. im a bitch. but i love you" and he comes back with "don't say that. i love u 2" We're funny ducks. 

I feel like it's going to be a bad day. If this continues, I won't be going to the concert tonight. He can just come stay with me after. I have a bad feeling about it for some reason. All week I felt anxious and excited, and now I just don't really want to go. I don't want us to go back to the old us, and sometimes when I'm with him while he's around his friends, he acts like the 'old him', and I really don't like it. Hopefully everything will turn out okay. Or I'm not going. And then he's stuck girlfriendless at a show where guys bring their girlfriends again, and he's stuck paying for two tickets. :D I'm not fucking around with him. I'm worth more than being told to 'shut the fuck up', when I haven't done anything. I love him, but he's a little messed. We both are.

On another note entirely, he and I may not be going to NAMM, since his Mom is being the epitome of bitch about it. She's complaining that he never spends any time with her, even though he spent the two weeks of Christmas break at her house, which meant that I couldn't see him. So next Friday while I'm performing in the play, he's going to go down to his Mom's house and spend time before band practice, so that we might be able to go on Sunday. It makes me sad that he's not coming to the performance, though. It's sad to look out into the audience and see no one who came specifically to see me. Including my boyfriend, who promised last year that the next year (this year) he'd come to all my plays. I guess it can't be helped, though. I try not to be too sad, but seeing everyone else run into the audience after curtain call to see their friends and family, while I'm in the dressing room getting ready to walk home, it really hits home. I don't really have anyone sometimes, and it really blows. I mean, I know I have Joe. If I really needed someone, I have him. But I mean, just for the little things. He does most of the little shit, the shit that matters, but there are little things that I wish he'd do. Then again, every relationship is like that.

He made a comment about my Dad this morning. It was supposed to be innocent, but it really hurt me, and that started another little argument. We were cutting through the computer lab that sits between the two hallways and makes a bridge between them; we do this so we don't have to go the whole way around. The desktop on one of the computers was a picture of a 'typical' Mexican guy; white, green, and red clothing, sombrero (sp?), and a big, black, curly mustache. And he goes, "Omg look it's your Dad." And I haven't seen my Dad in three years, and he and I have been through a lot. So I got upset. And Joe pulls this shit, "We make fun of each other's parents all the time." But the God honest truth is that he has never said anything about my Dad, simply because he KNOWS I'm sensitive about it. So why now? Maybe it just slipped? So I asked him to apologize for it, and he got pissed and said he wouldn't. So I walked away from him and went to class. :D

One thing I really admire about myself is the fact that I don't take shit from him anymore. Last year, if he were to tell me 'fuck you' or 'shut the fuck up', which he did on a regular basis, I was a basketcase, and in hysterics; I couldn't imagine him ever saying those things to me. And every time we fought I would just worry that we were going to break up, that he didn't love me, that he didn't want to be with me, blah blah blah. Which, I believe, is half of the reason that we DID break up, aside from the other half, which was him being a complete and utter bag of dirty douche. I was always questioning his love for me. Does he really love me? Does he want to be with me? Is he cheating on me? Has he cheated on me? Does he think I'm cheating on him? Why hasn't he called? Is he with someone else? Seriously. I was a little crazy. And I'm pretty sure I was mostly this way because of the way he treated me. He's a very proud person, and he likes to think that everyone loves him, and there isn't a single person in the world who doesn't like him, and wouldn't want to be with him. Which made me worry if whether or not I was good enough, and think that he was fucking around on me because I thought I definitely wasn't worth it. He made me feel as though he would be just fine without me, especially when we broke up. I would see him with his friends, or even alone, and he would look perfectly fine. It wasn't until a week or so ago he told me about how awful it actually was on him, and how every time he would see me he would almost start to cry and say to himself, "God, I really fucked myself!" The way he said it, by the way, when he told me, broke my heart. Anyway. His behavior towards me was definitely a factor my insane-jealous-bitchy-girlfriend-syndrome; couple that with my own insecurities, and you've got a real catch. Last year was bad. This year..not so much. The beginning of the year was rocky because..well. I sort of had a fling with another kid while Joe and I were 'broken up' (he doesn't call it that; he calls it a 'bad spat') and the kid goes to this school. And every time Joe would see him, he'd lunge at him, and I'd have to catch him, and it would end up in a big argument. But we've gotten better. Now we scream at each other for a few minutes, go to class, and afterward, it's as though nothing happened. Mostly because we sit in class and realize we're both fucking retarded and what we fought about wasn't worth fighting about.

Bottom line? I love him. :)

And this entry is fucking long.

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[10 Jan 2008|07:04am]
[ mood | Happy. ]
[ music | Blaqk Audio - "Black Electric" ]

It was odd. I couldn't get onto this site last night in my room. It just wouldn't load. But I can get on it fine at school. Maybe the site was down? Idk.

Anyway. Yesterday was actually boring. I spent a lot of time with Joe, like I do every day. He comes to me after every class and walks me to each of mine. It's nice because I'm in the same room for two periods, and he's in a room across the hall for those same two periods. So after second, since we're in the same class third, we just meet in the hallway and hang out. 

I didn't have time to do my makeup this morning, so I had to do it while I was waiting for the library to open. I really hate how people watch you when you're putting on makeup. Like it's some kind of weird exhibitionism. I really just wanted to put my makeup on. Oi. There's this little blonde that's in the counseling office every morning, waiting for the library to open, same as me. For some reason she just fucking bugs me. Lol. I know that's awful, but she really does. She's always looking at me. And it's not like she admires me or something, because she's pretty normal looking. There are these two little freshmen, though, who actually showed up at my house one day before Christmas. They were selling candy to help support the Beckman Dance Team, so I bought some. And they go, "omg i love the clothes you wear to school, you're awesome". I love shit like that because I've always wanted like, a little sister or something who is exactly like I am, or wants to be like I am. Both Joe and I catch them staring at me, but I can't say I mind it; they're sweet girls. They actually do remind me of myself in ninth grade. Just starting to get weird. Lol.

I hate how my eye hurts sometimes after I put eyeliner on. >:[ 

I made Joe and I lunch today! Again. :) PB&J sandwiches and macaroni and cheese (I made it last night, but kept it out of the fridge so it'll be luke-warm or something) and pudding and I bought us a soda at the gas station while driving to school. He always finds silly things to say about the food I make us, but he has to be kidding, because he eats it so ravenously that you'd think he'd never eaten before, and he's just discovering food. He brought yogurt to school the other day, and we started to eat it, but it tasted really fucking bad, so we couldn't finish it. And we look at the label after we realize it tastes like feet, and it's fucking baby yogurt, for his one-year-old little sister. Rofl. I don't remember if he brought it on purpose or not, but it was still hella funny.

I can't wait to see him. I don't know what I'd do during school if I didn't have him. I'd be bored. :[ I'd have no one to eat baby yogurt with!

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[09 Jan 2008|11:32am]
[ mood | Happy. ]
[ music | Fall Out Boy - "Thanks for the Memories" (I know, kill me.) ]

This computer's connection is so slow that I seriously sat here for five minutes and waited for this single page to load. It was pretty much bullshit. 

I'm excited for this journal. I figured: it's a new year, I might as well have a new journal to turn to. And it's highly plausible that GJ is going to die, so I need somewhere else to go. I'm not very impressed with LJ or IJ, so hopefully this place will work out a little better for me.

This morning was fun. My school has this thing called "late-start", and they occur every other Wednesday (I think). Instead of starting school at 7:45, it starts at 9:42. So I got here and waited for Joe to show up, and then he and I went and smoked some cigarettes across the street, before we came back and snuck into the computer lab (which you're not supposed to be in without a teacher). But the bitchest teacher I have ever met in my life came in and kicked us out, so we went to the library instead. I love my baby; he's a cutie.

I'm extremely happy with the way things have been going with Joe and I, actually. We got in the smallest, baby argument yesterday, for about two minutes, seriously. And that's the only argument I can recall for fucking months. It's so nice to not be at each other's throats all the time. It feels like it did when we first started dating. We're all happy and lovey again, and it really is amazing. I'm glad things have turned around for the better. When we broke up last year (even though he doesn't call it that; he calls it a 'spat'), I've never felt so awful in my laugh. Thinking about it now, it's hard to believe we were ever even in a place so bad and dark. It's nice to know that we've made a full recovery, and are going to be together for quite some time. It feels so nice to not worry about it anymore. I feel like we'll always be okay no matter what. I used to walk on egg-shells around him so much my feet were bleeding. I used to worry about us breaking up; I thought that every time we even raised our voices to each other, it was over. It feels so good to be okay.

I don't have work tonight! Yay! Fucking stoked. My paycheck on Friday (for last week, since I get paid weekly) will be fucking bomb. I'm excited. And Friday is going to be fucking awesome. Joe and I are going with our friends Jesus and Sandra to see Social Distortion in L.A. So that should be pretty fun. Joe's sleeping over after. ;)

I can't wait to graduate. I'm hoping I can have enough cash (by the time I'm eighteen on June 13) by graduation (June 16) to go get my license and a car and then find a dorm-room at whatever community college I decide to go to, or find a room in a house that someone's renting out. Actually, I'm going to be e-mailing my Dad and asking him for some money for my birthday to help me out. Which is going to make me feel like shit, but I know my Mom isn't going to help because she doesn't want me going anywhere, but I won't have that. And I know I can't do it on my own. Joe said he'll help me out, but I won't let him. I mean, I'll let him help a little, because he likes to know he takes care of me, but other than that: NOPE.

My period is late. Fudge. What else is new? Rofl. I couldn't be regular if my life depended on it.

Then the NAMM show is the weekend after this upcoming one. NAMM is a giant music convention held in the Anaheim Convention Center every year, and Joe's Dad Mike is a big shipper and shit for tons of fucking people there. I've gone with Joe the last two years in a row. Last year I met Sinbad, Stevie Wonder, Kerry King, Jonathan Davis, some people from Motley Crue though I forget which, and I saw Wayne Static. I'm hoping maybe Blaqk Audio will be there or something, since I'm sure the company whose equipment they use is going to be there. Omg. I would fucking die. srsly. :[ Joe and I both would. Lol. Davey Havok and Johnny Depp are the only two guys Joe would let me cheat on him with. But I told him I'd never cheat on him, so we'd have to have a threesome, and he agreed he'd have one with Davey. I'll have to keep pressuring him about Johnny. >:] But yeah, I'm excited; I really hope some dope people are there this year. The first year we went kind of sucked, but last year was tight. I hope it's even better this year. We were contemplating not going, but Joe has to pick up a bunch of speakers and a microphone for the recorder his Dad got him for his birthday. 

Advanced Theatre after this class. Fuck. I used to love going to that class; now it's the class that I dread. SUCKS. 

Rofl I can't believe I'm listening to this song. :'( It's so fucking catchy, though.

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One. [09 Jan 2008|08:40am]
[ mood | Happy. ]
[ music | Blaqk Audio - "Between Breaths" ]

First update in this. I"ll be updating it mostly at school since this is the website I can access on the computers. They've blocked everything else.

Bigger update later.

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