Damnit.
Today was okay. Boring. Joe was in a mood this morning. And it elevated so much that we got in a gigantic fight, which is really funny now that I think about it. I brought us a sandwich to eat at break, and so did he, so he wanted to eat one before this period, and one after this period at break, so he did. And he called these girls fat as he shoved half the sandwich in his mouth (I'm exaggerating a little) and I made a joke about him having no room to talk, especially since his mouth was full of food. And then he said something like "fuck you, booby" and walked away from me, and I thought he was pissed. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't tolerate him talking to me like that anymore. I used to, but I don't know. So I said something about it, and he claimed to be kidding, but I guess I'll never know for sure. I didn't really get pissed until he yelled at me, "Just shut the fuck up! I'm tired of you getting fucking pissed!" When I wasn't even mad. :[ So we told each other 'fuck you' a couple of times, and then when the bell rings he tells me he loves me and tries to kiss me. And I think that something like that is horrible bullshit. I don't allow people to go from screaming at me and saying mean shit, to trying to be nice. It doesn't work that way for me. So he got pissed because I wouldn't kiss him and walked away, and I tried calling him back, but he ignored me the first few times, until he finally turned around and asked "What the fuck do you want?" I just texted him, though, with, "im sorry. im a bitch. but i love you" and he comes back with "don't say that. i love u 2" We're funny ducks.
I feel like it's going to be a bad day. If this continues, I won't be going to the concert tonight. He can just come stay with me after. I have a bad feeling about it for some reason. All week I felt anxious and excited, and now I just don't really want to go. I don't want us to go back to the old us, and sometimes when I'm with him while he's around his friends, he acts like the 'old him', and I really don't like it. Hopefully everything will turn out okay. Or I'm not going. And then he's stuck girlfriendless at a show where guys bring their girlfriends again, and he's stuck paying for two tickets. :D I'm not fucking around with him. I'm worth more than being told to 'shut the fuck up', when I haven't done anything. I love him, but he's a little messed. We both are.
On another note entirely, he and I may not be going to NAMM, since his Mom is being the epitome of bitch about it. She's complaining that he never spends any time with her, even though he spent the two weeks of Christmas break at her house, which meant that I couldn't see him. So next Friday while I'm performing in the play, he's going to go down to his Mom's house and spend time before band practice, so that we might be able to go on Sunday. It makes me sad that he's not coming to the performance, though. It's sad to look out into the audience and see no one who came specifically to see me. Including my boyfriend, who promised last year that the next year (this year) he'd come to all my plays. I guess it can't be helped, though. I try not to be too sad, but seeing everyone else run into the audience after curtain call to see their friends and family, while I'm in the dressing room getting ready to walk home, it really hits home. I don't really have anyone sometimes, and it really blows. I mean, I know I have Joe. If I really needed someone, I have him. But I mean, just for the little things. He does most of the little shit, the shit that matters, but there are little things that I wish he'd do. Then again, every relationship is like that.
He made a comment about my Dad this morning. It was supposed to be innocent, but it really hurt me, and that started another little argument. We were cutting through the computer lab that sits between the two hallways and makes a bridge between them; we do this so we don't have to go the whole way around. The desktop on one of the computers was a picture of a 'typical' Mexican guy; white, green, and red clothing, sombrero (sp?), and a big, black, curly mustache. And he goes, "Omg look it's your Dad." And I haven't seen my Dad in three years, and he and I have been through a lot. So I got upset. And Joe pulls this shit, "We make fun of each other's parents all the time." But the God honest truth is that he has never said anything about my Dad, simply because he KNOWS I'm sensitive about it. So why now? Maybe it just slipped? So I asked him to apologize for it, and he got pissed and said he wouldn't. So I walked away from him and went to class. :D
One thing I really admire about myself is the fact that I don't take shit from him anymore. Last year, if he were to tell me 'fuck you' or 'shut the fuck up', which he did on a regular basis, I was a basketcase, and in hysterics; I couldn't imagine him ever saying those things to me. And every time we fought I would just worry that we were going to break up, that he didn't love me, that he didn't want to be with me, blah blah blah. Which, I believe, is half of the reason that we DID break up, aside from the other half, which was him being a complete and utter bag of dirty douche. I was always questioning his love for me. Does he really love me? Does he want to be with me? Is he cheating on me? Has he cheated on me? Does he think I'm cheating on him? Why hasn't he called? Is he with someone else? Seriously. I was a little crazy. And I'm pretty sure I was mostly this way because of the way he treated me. He's a very proud person, and he likes to think that everyone loves him, and there isn't a single person in the world who doesn't like him, and wouldn't want to be with him. Which made me worry if whether or not I was good enough, and think that he was fucking around on me because I thought I definitely wasn't worth it. He made me feel as though he would be just fine without me, especially when we broke up. I would see him with his friends, or even alone, and he would look perfectly fine. It wasn't until a week or so ago he told me about how awful it actually was on him, and how every time he would see me he would almost start to cry and say to himself, "God, I really fucked myself!" The way he said it, by the way, when he told me, broke my heart. Anyway. His behavior towards me was definitely a factor my insane-jealous-bitchy-girlfriend-syndrome; couple that with my own insecurities, and you've got a real catch. Last year was bad. This year..not so much. The beginning of the year was rocky because..well. I sort of had a fling with another kid while Joe and I were 'broken up' (he doesn't call it that; he calls it a 'bad spat') and the kid goes to this school. And every time Joe would see him, he'd lunge at him, and I'd have to catch him, and it would end up in a big argument. But we've gotten better. Now we scream at each other for a few minutes, go to class, and afterward, it's as though nothing happened. Mostly because we sit in class and realize we're both fucking retarded and what we fought about wasn't worth fighting about.
Bottom line? I love him. :)
And this entry is fucking long.
