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[ August 24th, 2008 | 1:14am ] |
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i really can't believe what's happening...
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[ August 10th, 2008 | 11:52pm ] |
hah! I finally got lastfm to pick up my music. You would think that I could use MarketPlace since I have a zune, but nooooooooo. That'd be WAY to easy. Instead I have to use window's shity media player. Oh well, i don't care anymore, because right now i'm listening to strawberry swing and i am very, very happy. :)
I'm dead tired from work. Tonight was crazy, it was like one huge fucking rush after another and I had to do lobby. I feel like an old man, my back hurts, my arms hurt, i'm a mess. But here's the kicker...
I only worked four hours today.
how? how in the fucking hell am I so dead tired after only working for four hours. It's not like I'm doing hard labor, or doing anything that takes any kind of particular skill or talent. I just don't understand. I want more hours. I need more hours. How is this all going to work out? How? How? A ring? A wedding? College? I know megan doesn't like it when I get so worked up about this. But I have to. I need to. WE need to. I just want everything to work out. It has to. I want to give her the world and I want to do everything I can to get it for her. I just want to make sure we don't have to compromise on these things, and if that means more time working and being dead tired, well bring it on. I'm ready. I know I am.
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| calm. down. breath. live. |
[ August 1st, 2008 | 11:03am ] |
so I've got about 40 minutes to kill before i gotta go into work for a 3 hour shift. yeah, i know, fucking stupid. but hey after that i'm going to pony pastures with megan and cody and maybe kendric too.
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| conversation, anyone? |
[ July 17th, 2008 | 12:06am ] |
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so, let's talk. ask a question, or something. I'd like to get to know you guys..
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| is it really sunday? |
[ June 29th, 2008 | 10:22am ] |
here's some old poetry/songs/a short story that i felt like posting. tell me what you think !
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| so i bought a harmonica.. |
[ June 25th, 2008 | 11:03pm ] |
it's pretty sweet. but that's not what this journal entry is geared towards. actually i don't know what this journal entry is geared towards. hm..let's think of something to talk about...
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[ June 11th, 2008 | 10:42pm ] |
so tomorrow's my last class. my last day, i guess, of this school year. it's been a crazy one.
i mean, i didn't kill anyone.
i didn't find a million dollars.
i didn't even make honor roll. (sorry mom.)
but i did find megan. and that is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
and just for that, nothing else even matters. she makes everything worth while.
i'm just so pissed i have one more to go. so fucking pissed.
i want college. i want independence.
i want marriage. i want a house.
i want an apartment first.
but later on a house.
i just want to have my own home, with megan.
i want to lead my days according to OUR agenda, not our parents'.
but it'll come soon enough, i know.
and i also know we've got to start saving up. big time.
because along with all that freedom comes a whole lot of spending. and taxes. and other stuff.
i really need to flesh out on all of this, i've been wanting to post about it, but every time i get a bunch typed out, there's always something i gotta do.
and this time it's practice for my final tomorrow for guitar. we have to 'the rain song' by led zeppelin. god, such a fucking weird ass song. i hate them for using such odd tunings. but i must retreat to practice the night away and lose sleep. haha.
more soon.
i promise.
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[ June 8th, 2008 | 4:41pm ] |
blarg.
i went swimming with andrew and leland today at sunday park, it was nice,
but i missed megan the whole time. she was out with her dad and i didn't want to text her
because she was in a movie.
it's hot.
i mean really hot.
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[ June 4th, 2008 | 11:03pm ] |
In less than an hour, I will be one more year older. that's it, just one more year. no matter how hard i try, no matter how many times i close my eyes and wish, i won't be five years older, i won't be four, three, or even two years older. Just one more. When will i finally be as old as i feel? When will my age actually reflect my maturity level? I'm just so tired of being young. Why is that? These are supposed to be the years i get to fuck up, supposedly. These are the years where I'll look back on and wonder why i was so stupid, so odd, so misguided. But for some reason I don't feel that. I don't see that in me at all. I see it all around, but not with me. Maybe i've always been the careful one. the one everyone hates because he's afraid to take risks. Maybe i've always been the lame one who never wanted to shrooms just because he had better things to do. I didn't really party. I tried weed. I hate weed. I drink, occasionally. But i've learned my lesson on when and where to do it. I've cut class, who hasn't. but i've also realized that's just a shitty decision because it does me no good. I don't know. I don't understand myself and maybe I shouldn't even be typing this all out because I know it's not the least bit interesting to anyone else. I just have been thinking about it lately, you know? Why me? Why do I have to always think about the future? I bet everyone hates me for it too. But what do I care. why should i give a damn. it's my life, i lead it the way i choose to. if i cared about all that shit above, about drugs, partying, all that shit, i would really really hate myself. I'm proud that I am the way I am. Yeah, I'm different from the average teenager. I mean come on, I want to be a high school english teacher. What teenager wants to be that when they grow up? Especially a male. I dunno, it's a blessing in disguise I suppose. one of those trick mirrors or something. i'm just tired of being surrounded by kids who just don't give a fuck about anything. they honestly don't.
so here I am.
almost one year older,
one year wiser,
and one more year until true happiness will be unfurled upon me.
i just can't wait for the day when i can greet my world.
my world. my life. my happiness.
just megan and i. that's all we need.
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[ May 23rd, 2008 | 11:47pm ] |
i should probably being going to bed soon, but i just feel like writing. i don't know what about, though. ideas, anyone?
hm this might be completely out of left field, but i just thought of two things: my future house & my first year of teaching.
two highly odd things to write about out of the blue, but i guess they've just been in my mind a lot recently.
I'm going to say the house is going to be in the city. Portland, if conditions are perfect. I don't know much about the area, so
we'll just say on some street downtown. I want a wrap around front porch with a bench so i can read the paper and smoke a cigarette
while megan's getting ready for work. I want a front door that screams "yeah, you wish you lived here." with a bunch of engravings and panels
and what not. Then inside, all wood floors. wood-mother-fucking-floors throughout the house. well maybe not in the kitchen. but everywhere else.
We'll have have lots of windows, so i don't forget there's a sun. and we'll have a spiral stair case maybe. that sounds fun right? "Hey, come over, we just
put in the spiral staircase. it's so fun!" But really, wouldn't that be sweet? The kitchen has totally been chosen by megan. RED. EVERYWHERE. hahah
but really, i like what she has planned. like a bar with old stools like they had at diners in the 50's, all shinny and stuff. and black and white tile, and of course
a bunch of red appliances. oh, and i want a huge ass clock in there somewhere. We'll have a damn fine coffee maker, because the shit i have at my house now
sucks ass and i demand heavenly brewed perfection. like waffle house.
Our bedroom will be big, but in no way oversized. I want it painted something bright, and happy. I don't want to wake up every morning, see the walls,
and be like, "oh great, these walls are dull, like my life." i want something that will make me say, "is it monday? OH FUCK YEAH, IT'S TIME TO TEACH!"
okay, that might not happen, but still, i think i'd be funny to do it anyway. I want a big bed so we can sprawl and move around and have bunches of pillows.
megan loves pillows hahah. We'll have an amazing bathroom, with a huge bathtub with jets and all that jazz. and i want candles. lots and lots of candles.
then there's the study. this is probably my clearest image of what i want. I want it to be really long, like not too narrow, but you get the idea. again, with wood floor, and a huge window and a door leading to the patio where we'll go each night to just unwind and look at all the traffic and commotion in the streets. Back to the study. I want the walls to be white, with the wall opposite of the big window covered with amazing quotes or song lyrics that i love painted in black cursive. and i want a hookah in the corner with floor pillows so we can invite people over and just hang out. The lighting is crucial. i want track lighting, like in studios. i just love it for some reason. I want this to be where i can go to just loose myself in a good book, or write a song and hear it echo throughout the room.
That's all i can really think of right now, it's late. megan, if you have anything to add, go for it. hahah :)
now, as for teaching...
i don't want to be just another teacher. i don't want my kids dreading my class and talking shit about me. i don't want them thinking this will be just another
year of boring english class. I want it to be special. i want to be remembered. As they come in to class each day, i'll have music playing, music from now, music
that inspires me and is special to me. It's just nice to walk into a room with inviting music. it sets a good mood. then well have open discussion, what they did over the weekend, who's looking for a job, just anything going on in there life. it's good to get them talking about their lives, not just their school lives. Don't get me wrong, they will learn the course material, but i'm going to make it fun. i'm going to be the english teacher who taught his kids the difference between participial
phrases and gerund phrases through playing guitar and writing witty, yet informative lyrics about grammar. I'm going to play the postal service while they're reading Romeo and Juliet, Bob Dylan while they thumb through On the Road, and Atmosphere as they work on their free verse poems. I'm going to show them
what i see in the art of words. I'm going to have poetry readings in class. I'm gonna turn the lights off, put on a cloak, and hold a candle as i read ghost stories
during Halloween. I'm going to take them outside and read when it's nice outside. When they're stressed out around exam time and they just can't focus, i'll say hey lets take a break and listen to my favorite death cab cd. I'll have projects that they'll actually have fun doing, like having them choose a song and analyze it and things like that. And i'll do the projects too. I just want them to feel like when they come into my room, they're no longer in school, we're in our on community.
above all, i want them to understand why i love what i do. if they only learn that, i'll be more than happy.
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[ May 21st, 2008 | 2:10pm ] |
so here's a video of my friends and i playing ping pong from about a year ago. i have no idea why we did it but it's funny. enjoy :)
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| old pictures! go! |
[ May 18th, 2008 | 10:46pm ] |
so uh, i feel like posting some pictures to make up for the lack of words i have tonight.
not that today wasn't eventful. no, not at all.
megan and i visted the holocaust museum in richmond, got lost for a split second while making funny noises,
ate at cheeburger cheeburger, smoked and ate a brownie at friday's, went and saw derek,
and topped it off with a trip to waffle house.
i promised myself i wouldn't cry when we went to derek's grave,
and i almost made it, but i just couldn't. it's okay though, i know he's safe and happy.
i'm just so happy megan was there with me.
so, picture time!
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[ May 17th, 2008 | 11:08pm ] |
i hate how i always worry too much.
and how i take things the wrong way.
i hate how my voice sounds,
and how i can't seem to write melodies.
i get nervous in front of big groups,
and i never know what to say or do.
i just sit there.
i hate how when someone's trying to help
i can be so oblivious sometimes.
i hate how lazy i can be.
i'm so unorganized,
i'm so unwilling to work.
I hate how i expect something out of people.
not an unreasonable amount,
just something.
I hate how i pick myself apart,
how i feel like something doesn't add up.
how i feel like it's not them, it's me.
but i love that megan can accept me the way i am.
i am flawed, and she knows this, and she continues to love me.
i love how she makes me feel.
like i'm strong.
or funny.
or smart.
all i need is her to make me feel wanted.
i love how she makes me see the good in all the bad.
i feel like i can protect her.
teach her.
learn from her.
if there was anyone the could ever make me feel better about myself,
it would be her.
she knows me better than i know myself.
i also know she can take all my flaws and show me just how good i can be.
i love her for that.
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| well damn |
[ May 15th, 2008 | 10:33pm ] |
so much shit to write about, so little time before i have to get off of here. so let's see how it goes.
so last night i finally talked to my parents, like truly, truly talked to them for the first time in a long time. we talked about how i hated being at the house, how i felt like an enemy all the time, and how things just working between us. and at first, you know, they didn't really get it, they didn't see this coming. but after i explained how i haven't wanted to talk to them about anything of importance and how i constantly avoided them, they started to see it. i know they love me, i've never doubted that, it's just when they are so overprotective, so controlling about every little thing, i just freak out. So we made a deal that if i stopped lying about petty shit (don't even get me started there), then they won't give me the third degree every time i want to hang out. and the changes were immediate. no lie. like, today i noticed when my dad called me after school he's completely changed his tone when he talks to me. he actually has a conversation with me, he doesn't have a question for everything i say. and my mom is so interested with college and megan and how she is and if we want to hang out at my house for a change. it's just really nice to have that here.
so now i sit here, i really need a cigarette, my feet are cold, and i'm just to awake to think of sleep.
but i'll be in waffle house in a few hours with megan and i can't think of anything better than that right now.
i miss her so much.
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