ephixius

We always get over whatever it is that warranted us taking time to get over to begin with, but for how long? I'm growing weary of this pit in my stomach and even more weary of making words of it. It took years for me to come to the conclusion that some people just prefer to be unhappy, or won't do what makes them happy for fear of not keeping it and losing what they already have. I'd like to say that sums you up quite nicely without sounding pompous but I suppose you'd just have to hear me say it. I'm a bit too miserable right now deal with you for more than a few minutes. I can't pile your manic depression upon my all too long held feeling of impending doom and helplessness of the near future. I have to hear it from you everything I'm not giving you that you'd like... for instance: a job schedule that is to your liking and made to change at your will. I don't think you quite understand how close to tipping my job is... Jackie's International is clearly on the verge of going under. Right now I have hours and good ones, be thankful. When a general manager is hired for my store my hours will be cut down to about 20 a week, not nearly enough to sustain us. I don't usually have but one day off lately and when I do get a chance to put in applications and get a call back... I'm usually at work and they want an interview then, not much I can do at work. I suppose I'm going to go to use Tempstaff, but they're closed most of the days I'm off work.

ekkkk....
maybe there will be some miracle and someone will want a roommate
someone alexis can handle being around

I had fun w/ Brett and Nolan today... he's all smiley :)

I bought a Larrivee. Here's some sloppy noodling:

This was a fun day, wish Drew'd move back so we could play gigs again.

warning if you have laptop speakers: Maghogany back and sides already make the highs harsh... just saying, might wanna cover your ears... plus ibanez don't exactly excell in the even sustain portion of guitars either--I should stop now or this will become a rant on how I want a stonebridge or larrivee or fuck that.. mcelroy*drools*



I'm sorry life isn't how you wanted it to be. It's not how I expected it either. I know you love me, but I'm not what you wanted out of life and now you resent me for it. Your point of view is just too biased in a bad way... to the point of becoming fiction. "Stagnate" should not be a word to describe our lives... and yes, it is OUR life.
"If you don't smack my butt you're in trouble."
That's a metaphor for how our life is played out now.

I got it out of the fridge and was about to pop it open when BAMMMMMM!!!!!! Phone call!!!! I put the soda down and commenced my phone conversation with Dan--whom I haven't talked to in a long time and can't wait to see(we're going to make music*and yes I can put parenthesis inside dashes and asterisks inside those!*).<---I'm pretty sure I would end that with a punctuation mark such as a period or exclamation point and still be grammatically correct, minus the asterisks. Anyway, back to what's important. I put down the soda and...

Holy shit, I just found it... I sware to God I just found it as I was about to type "and... I don't know where I lef it." I've already opened another one. I put it in the chair, that doesn't seem like something I would do. Who else is here?


Babies... can't walk my ass.

I get to go to work now. Should I tackle Alexis into awake mode? I think I shall.

I suppose I should update a real journal post. Let's see... Alex quit Bumpers, so we got another GM. He's not bad... he's just not particularly fun or intelligent. Alex called me the other night from Mugshots though--he was watching a female drummer and thought "hey, I can do that again." He wants to start a band with me, I'm down. Alex is cool as shit, plus everyone knows black people are inborn with the ability to play bass and drums.
On a higher note, my telecaster project--I'm building a guitar--is coming together. I ordered a handmade neck for it which should be coming in a few months(not a bad wait for handmade neck to my specs). I'll post pictures of that later.

I decided I didn't want to remember that jam. It was fun... but a one time thing. Sorry, me. I'll post something else I did that day instead, later.

My laptop speakers take ALL the bass out of this... hurts my feelings when I play it back. This is how I spend my off time. I had a really good time with Nolan and Alex at the park yesterday. We saw amidables.

Sometimes I get so anxious from the resentment you hold that I wish I would get hit by a fucking car. I go through everything you do minus the breastfeeding. I get stuck in the house too, by myself; just like you. I'm worried about how we're going to make it too, but I have faith. I worry about us, I fear for us... I don't see much hope for that; honestly. I think that's what you want to hear. I get too anxious to breathe sometimes, but at least I have a release. I wish you had that. I wish you had something that made you happy other than Nolan--don't get me wrong, it's great that Nolan makes us both so happy, but you need more. I feel like I'm in constant panic all the time right now, like I could faint or throw up without warning. You WILL go through school... I will make sure of that. If I have to work 80 hours a week, you'll go. You'll go before I do, and I don't expect you to stay after that. I just don't want to FEEL your resentment anymore. I would cut off my left/right nut to get this feeling off me.

I'm holding Nolan, so decided to just update today with me playing some music... pretty much my mood.

 I do not want to work six hours tonight but I've got nothing else to do. I might even go in early tommorow and clean the store a little bit, it needs it. Alexis and I really should find a house to move into with some friends or something. I'm coming to hate apartments a little more everyday and this one is expensive.