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As I was sitting in traffic today, I got to thinking about my current and past relationships, the relationships of friends, and the state of mind as we weave in and out of these relationships. How is it that we can feel so defeated, so beaten down by them, and yet, months down the road, have moved on to another and be happy again?
Long before I divorced my husband, I knew things were over. We were fighting it, but it was a losing battle. Even so, my heart was broken, and I felt that it would never heal. I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore, but I couldn't imagine falling in love again, trusting someone again, moving forward and making a happier life for myself. I had also lost faith in love, because the one I'd chosen to spend my life with, the one I was so sure was the right person for me, just ... wasn't. I kept thinking I could no longer trust my gut or my heart, and I wondered how I would survive without those two organs.
Now, that unhappiness and insecurity feels worlds away. In fact, that whole life feels worlds away to me. I realize that, rather than regret the 4 years of wasted time, I should instead be thankful for the learning experience. As cliche' as that sounds, it's true. I've learned, not only from my marriage, but also from other relationships that red flags are red for a reason.... TO GET YOUR ATTENTION. Ignoring them only prolongs, (and sometimes intensifies,) your misery. I learned that being hopeful and being stupid are not the same things, though they can produce similar results.
I have made peace with my past and my present and my world feels like it's rotating properly, instead of spinning out of control, or just stopped in it's tracks. I wish that everyone could feel this, as I know there are people close to me now that don't, but I hope my well wishes reach them, and give them a light in the dark tunnel.
On a lighter note, when we came home today from the store, our neighbor upstairs had something for us. She's a much older woman, but not the crotchety type, and she's lived here for ten years! She came up to us as we were unloading the jeep and gave us some cookies she'd baked for us! Wow, talk about good vibes! Then, my ex husband's first wife sent me a card from her and my stepdaughter, thanking me for the birthday present I'd sent. Aww... what a good day.
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