| Disaster becomes you... |
[04 Jan 2008|12:20am] |
There comes a time when all good things must come to an end. I suppose this is one of those times. I feel like I am always moving forward in my life, pursuing new interests, and yes, making mistakes.. but at least they're new mistakes. I am not recycling previous bad decisions in some fucked-up pipe dream, trying to see if they'll turn out different the 16th time around.
I understand second chances.. I know that things happen - but there is a point where you just can't feel any more sympathy for a destructive person. The well has run dry. I've had some bad situations in my life.. I was raped as a teenager. I was abused as a child. I've lost loved ones, either through death or damaged relationships. I've been through divorce, major surgeries, a third-world disease.. and yet, I don't feel like my life has fallen apart. Life sucks sometimes, and mine is no exception. Yet, somehow I have managed to go through these things and come out ok, when others have not. I think this is because it's always been just me.. no alcohol, no drugs, no escape hatch or rabbit hole to dive down. I've dealt with everything head-on, and it's not that I'm better than anyone else. I simply don't know how to do it any other way. I'm a control-freak, and those things make you lose control, so they hold no fascination for me. I believe that tackling my problems instead of hiding from them has made me a stronger, happier person, because although it was painful, it was only painful for a finite amount of time. I don't have to keep reliving it every time I don't have a bottle in my hand ~ I battle it out while it's happening, and while I may walk away dripping with blood, those wounds become scars that have toughened me, making me that much more capable of dealing with painful situations in the future.
I know that not everyone can or chooses to do this. I also know that it can be comfortable to stay in a certain behavior pattern, no matter how destructive it is. For some people, devastation is the 'norm', and while some are made more resilient by these experiences, others get caught in a holding pattern of despair that they can't (or won't) escape. I am not judging. What I am doing is what I always do - what I need to do for my own mental or physical health - and sometimes that means cutting ties with people who ride this roller-coaster of disintegration. When people make a choice to remain 'damaged', you have to step away, because if you don't, they'll find some way to assign you the blame.
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