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[Jul. 7th, 2009|05:30 pm] |
Jacob was blissfully unaware of the argument that Everett and Vaughn had had. When he went to go see Ever, he had no idea he might be walking into something bad. And that's what he did, walked right into the Lawson home without knocking. Sticking his tongue out at Duke, he strode right by him and went up to Everett's room, following his nose to the location of the man. "Did it kill you when you saw he shaved?" Jacob grinned as he opened the door.
If Everett had been left to his own devices he might have been gone for days, but it was hard to argue with Mabel and when she told him that he needed to go back to wolf haven he reluctantly agreed and headed back in that direction. When he got home that morning Vaughn was gone and for that much he was relieved. He put away the blankets and pillows from the sofa before taking a shower and laying down in his bed. He'd slept the night before in his jeep though it had been a restless sleep and so he had gone almost three days now without sleeping at all. When he heard Jacob's voice he didn't even move. Sure, now seemed like the perfect time for Jacob to come and gloat over things. Like Vaughn shaving for him when he told him how much he liked the scruff. Admittedly, that was the last thing that he even cared about at this point but he wasn't going to say that.
When no answer came, Jacob figured Everett was serious when he'd said he liked the beard and was pouting still. That sounded like something Jacob would do, so he didn't think anything of it. "Ever?" He shut the door behind him and walked to the bed. Kicking off his shoes, he crawled onto the mattress and tugged at the covers so that they pulled back from Ever's head.
Ever hadn't shaved in three days. Hadn't slept. Had only just showered which was a small miracle because it had gotten so hot in the car. When Jacob pulled the blanket back off of him he just shifted a little, sliding one arm up under the pillow so that it was beneath his head and then he went still again. His eyes were even open, because there was no point in closing them. He wasn't going to sleep.
He'd seen this kind of depression before. Sometimes the sadness coated Everett so completely that he couldn't even recognize him. His heart clenched and his body sagged. He wanted to fall into begging, asking Everett to please not do this to them again. He didn't know if he could stand to see it. "Everett," he said more firmly and leaned his face down to kiss his cheek. "Talk to me."
"Vaughn and I broke up last night. So you don't have to keep coming around here." Everett told him, though he didnt' say anything else. He really didn't want to talk about all the reasons why they had split up or if he was permanent or not because at the moment it certainly felt that way. In fact he kind of hoped that it was just over, because this pain wpould go away eventually, but if they ended up back together then he just ran the risk of feeling like this all over again the next time this happened.
"Because of the beard? It'll grow back." Jacob had a way of saying the stupidest things when he was completely floored. He pulled back and crawled under the covers with him, wrapping his arms around him tightly, refusing to let him pull away if he even bothered to move.
He didn't. Ever just stayed still, not even so much as tensing up when Jacob put an arm around him. He absolutely did not have the energy for that. "No, not because of the beard. Please go home, Jacob. I'm very tired, I just want to sleep now." But he wouldn't, not even if Jacob left him alone, which he probably would refuse to do. "I haven't slept at all in three days."
"What the fuck is going on?" He was through with playing easy and his voice turned sharp. "Don't fucking do this again. Don't crawl into your goddamn hole and make me and Vaughn watch you go blank." His voice was starting to get panicked. This wasn't happening, not when he thought they were all finally going to be okay.
"Nothing is going on. You don't have to worry about it." Everett lifted his hand to his face and he rubbed at his eyes for a second as if it would help him wake up a little more. He clearly wasn't going to be allowed to sleep so long as Jacob was there. "I am going to sleep and then I am going to get up and finish my book and then I am going to go to Seattle to see Aryk." Indefinitely. "You won't have to watch anything you can just go be with him."
That made Jacob freeze. "Are you breaking up with me too?" Because he knew for a fact that whatever had happened between Vaughn and Everett hadn't been mutual. Everett was the one pushing people away and now Jacob was on the chopping block.
"We aren't even together, Jacob. I know you only come around when Vaughn is gone because you are lonely. You will just have to find another boy for the side when he is gone because I just don't want to do this anymore."
"Yes we are," his voice had never sounded so hurt before and he pressed his forehead to the center of Ever's back, feeling his chest tighten even more with a lump that rose to his throat. "Don't leave." He couldn't bring himself to say please for fear that once he started begging, he wouldn't stop. His voice was clenched, wavering.
"There isn't anything to leave, Jacob. I can't even remember the last time that I saw you. Do you remember?" Because it seemed so long ago now that he couldn't recalll.
"You were upset with me about Kinley, and we sat on the couch for awhile. I wanted to just press up against you, but there was this barrier I couldn't get over, so I left." He could have told him the day, the time, what clothes Ever was wearing, how his house looked, how he smelled. Jacob could have told him everything. "Vaughn loves you. You can't leave him. And you can't leave me." Because Jacob loved him too.
Everett took a deep breath and then he let out a loud sigh. "You left because you never want to talk about anything. It doesn't matter that Vaughn loves me because he loves you too and he doesn't need me. The same way that you don't. You'll both see that and then this mess will just be over with and no one will get hurt anymore." He was starting to sound numb.
"I left because I can't stand to see that you're disappointed in me." He sighed too, not knowing what to say to all of this. His mind tried to sort it out, but he was coming up short and all he could revert back to thinking was 'but this is hurting me, stop it.' Not an argument he figured Ever would accept. "I don't just see you when he's gone. And we are together. We're still together and I'm not going to let you leave me or him." His hands tightened, holding Ever as close as he could.
"You're hurting me." Everett wasn't actually physically hurt but he wanted Jacob to let him go because he felt like if he kept on squeezing him like that then he was going to completely crush him to death. "What if this is what I want? What if I don't want to be with Vaughn and I don't want to be with you?" Because right now he was trying to convince himself that he didn't want them.
Even though Jacob was managing to keep his voice level again, giving no indication that he was crying, his eyes were still welling up. He prayed that Ever didn't turn around to see his face, because it was pathetic right now. Jacob released him, feeling completely cut loose, drifting away without any anchor. "It isn't what you want. You wouldn't be acting like this if it was what you really wanted. You wouldn't be running to Seattle to forget us."
Both of Everett's hands came up and he covered his face as he tried to collect all of his thoughts. With Vaughn it was always a fight, he never listened. He thought maybe with jacob he stood a chance. "I've been in love with Vaughn since I was a little kid. And it never went away. And he was always with other people. Always. And he always ran away. And I waited for years for him to love me too. And he when he finally loved me it was only after he loved you too. And somewhere along the line I started to develop feelings for you and I started to fall in love with you too. But I'm still always the odd one out. I'm the one that you come to when he's not around. I'm the one that takes care of him for two months when he's broken and you're the one he goes to for sex when he feels well enough to get up and walk around. I think it's pretty clear how this is laid out. And I am so tired of always feeling like I'm being left out, and it's so stupid that I still feel like I am in high school."
"I don't just come to you when he's gone," Jacob frowned and shook his head, rolling over onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. "And he didn't fucking love you after me. He's loved you long before that. If anyone should be sacrificing themselves for two people to be happy together it's me. But you don't see me pulling this shit. Why? Because if you can love two people like you say you do, then he can love two people. It's not about one or the other, it's about all three. It's all three. I'm not with you and I'm not with Vaughn. I'm with you and Vaughn. Jesus Christ, Everett, I thought you'd figure this shit out before I did."
It hadn't ever crossed his mind like that. Everett bit his bottom lip and just took a moment to try and let everything settle in. With a soft sight he shook his head a little bit and put his hands down away from his face. "I don't know, Jacob. I just don't know. I get so fucking jealous that I start to hate myself for it."
"Jealous that I get him too?" Because Jacob hadn't really registered yet that Everett really was talking about him too. Maybe he claimed to have it all figured out, but he really was uncertain if Everett even wanted him so much as he just took him when he got him because he was connected to Vaughn. "You'd find some other reason to hate yourself. That sort of thinking is just in you. You need us to love you more than you hate yourself, to make up for it."
"It doesn't really work when only one of you loves me and when he really doesn't even like to admit it." He rubbed his eyes and he turned over so that he could fcae Jacob. "I really don't want to do this." Everett just didn't even think that it could happen anymore. "Jacob... I spend all my time thinking about the two of you when you aren't around. I can't focus on anything. I can't even write half the time."
When he heard Everett start to turn over, he quickly wiped the backs of his hands over his face, trying to remove any trace of tears. "I've wanted you for a long time. I hope you know that. It's just harder to admit things to you. I don't know why, but it is. And it isn't only Vaughn who loves you. It isn't." He felt like he was changing inside, his foundations moving around and breaking down in the face of Everett, like they always did eventually. "If you think about us when we're not around, then we should be around. Won't that solve it? Then you can focus. We should share a house."
Furrowing his brow a little bit, he tried to figure out what was even a good response to that. "We would kill each other inside of a week." And Everett would never give up his house so the only option was for them to move in to his house and he didn't think Jacob and vaughn would want to do that.
Jacob's heart dropped and his throat felt as if it would close up entirely. Ever's words were like a hand constricting around his stomach. "I don't know what to do to make you stop acting like this. I don't know who to be to make you stop being hurt by this." His breathing was going shallow, speeding up as he started to get closer and closer to the conclusion that Everett was going to go.
Lifting his hands, he cupped Jacob's face and he leaned in to press a very soft kiss across his mouth. It was soft, with all the tenderness that no one ever seemed to pay Jacob, except for maybe Vaughn. He leaned his forehead against Jacob's and he closed his eyes. "How did I fall in love with you? When did it happen? Do you remember? Do you remember the exact moment?"
Everett was a river washing away Jacob's shore, miniscule grain of sand by miniscule grain of sand. But that kiss, soft as it was, was a fucking tidal wave and it broke him down. He could smell his own tears, a faint spark of salt between them. "I don't know. I can't remember anything now." It was as if his brain, so retentive of all the bits and pieces of the people he loved was doing a protective shattering of his memories of Everett, banishing moment upon moment to an abyss of forgetfulness.
When Jacob spoke and his lips parted, Everett slid his tongue into Jacob's mouth and he cut off any more words that the boy might have offered him. Their lips stayed pressed together and he drug the tip of his tongue across Jake's teeth and passed them. Both of his arms wrapped around the other wolf and he just held him there for a moment.
Jacob was terrified that this was a goodbye kiss. Everett didn't know it, but he could be cruel, just with a look or the tone of his voice. It was subtle and wrapped in caring, but it was cruel all the same, and it could cut Jacob in two. His body was still, but his mouth kissed back, head tilting so that he could crush harder up into Everett. He poured desperation into the action, like the final burst of rich color before the sun finally sunk beneath the horizon, his last needful effort.
The kiss was strong and deep and when it ended he kept his forehead resting against Jacob's. He was still trying to figure out what he wanted to do with himself. What he wanted to do with this situation because it was never going to get any easier, he was sure of it. "You wouldn't even want to live here, would you?"
"If it would keep you here, I'd want to live here. If it would mean that I could still have you, we could still have you, then yes." If the very thought of Everett not being a part of them broke Jacob down, then he didn't know what the reality would do to him. "We'd buy a bigger bed and this is where we would sleep, and you wouldn't feel left out anymore. Because you're not left out. It's impossible to leave you out. Without you, it's nothing." It would be the same if he lost Vaughn, though sometimes he wondered if he would be with one if the other left. If he even could.
"I can't leave this house behind." Emmy was hardly ever there and aryk practically lived in Seattle with his artist boyfriend. Most of the time Everett was alone in the house and he and Duke were sort of set in their ways. "Duke isn't going to like it if you are living here with me. What about the girl?" Kinley. What about her baby?
Jacob sighed and turned his face away. It couldn't be easy; it couldn't stay the way it was. "What do you mean what about Kinley?" He didn't like the fact that Everett called her 'the girl.' It was degrading, like he couldn't even be bothered to remember her name, the name of Jacob's little mistake. Well, she was an accident, but she wasn't a mistake.
"What about Kinley? She's due really soon sisn't she?" Everett sort of kept track, but he wasn't entirely sure. He'd written a story about Jacob and Kinley, though he'd never met her. It was just how he had always assumed how the girl actually was.
"She's here, at Wolf Haven. Hunter and I brought her so that she's safe and the baby is safe." He'd planned on telling Everett that, but this had taken precedence over that news. "She's in the house next to mine." Which wasn't all that far from the house they were in now. His body tensed, unsure of how Ever was going to take that.
"Have you decided what to name him yet?" Everett asked as he looked into Jacob's eyes. He could see the fear there, so he decided now wouldn't be the time to be an asshole about Kinley and the little boy that was about to be Jacob's son.
"Kinley has no intention of letting me have any say in the name." There was the faintest hint of a fond smile on his face when he said that. Falling into a conversation with Ever was dangerous right now though and he frowned up at him, lifting his chin to try and capture the wolf in another kiss. His fingertips played over Everett's sides.
Everett kissed him back and he let his nose brush against Jacob's before he laid his head back down on the pillows. With a soft sigh, he just brushed his fingers against the edge of his jaw. "In the story I wrote he was named Parker." Though he really didn't think that was what the little boy was going to end up being named.
Jacob turned his head to look at him. "You wrote a story about it?" The name hung between them and Jacob listened to its echo in the room. It settled in around him and he could imagine himself calling out the name 'Parker' to the back of a child running full out into the woods to explore.
"Yes. Would you like to read it?" It was one that Everett hadn't ever let anyone read because it had been something private. But he supposed that since it was about Jacob it was only fair that he be allowed to read it.
"Are you staying, Ever? What happened? Now we're talking about something else entirely and it's just like you to give me the manuscript as you're walking out the door, just to distract me. Well last time, I came after you and I'll do it again because I need you around."
"I'm not going to go anywhere, I think we've already established that I can't." Because if he had been able to he would have gotten up and just walked away. Though he had no idea how to go about fixing things with Vaughn. "I am still pissed at you for fucking him last night."
"He's mine too," Jacob retorted. "You can't be pissed at me for fucking him. And fuck you, I got him off by making him think about fucking you." He sat up and rubbed his hands over his face, angry at himself for getting emotional before.
"He's hurt." and he was even more hurt now, which made him feel even worse about the whole thing. "I made him fall last night. We were fighting. I feel like shit about that." he stayed laying back even though Jacob sat up.
Jacob stood up, folding his arms over his chest. "Then I think he faired better with the sex rather than the fighting. Maybe you two should have screwed instead." That would have been better for everyone. Maybe that's what Vaughn had been hoping for when he came to see him.
"Except he came reeking of you." Everett just sighed. He hadn't gotten off since the last time he slept with Vaughn and it had been months ago. That made him edgy, but he wasn't going to admit that to Jacob. Though he supposed Jacob probably knew.
"Didn't know I smelled that bad." Jacob threw a crooked little verbal barb at Everett. "That even the smell of me makes you want to fight with him." After a second, he laughed and shook his head. "You know, you were bitching about me only coming to see you when he's gone but you don't come to see me even then."
"I spent years going after Vaughn, I sort of lost my ability to do so. To chase after people that I want." He turned over onto his side so that his back was to Jacob and he just stretched out a little bit.
Jacob picked up a pillow and threw it at the back of Everett's head. "Fuck you," he said plainly. That was the most selfish thing he'd ever heard, and Jacob was the king of selfishness. "You don't love me at all. That's why you can't stand this. You can't stand me with him. If you really loved us both, it wouldn't matter. So fuck you." Since Everett's back was to him, he couldn't see Jacob walk out, but he'd be able to hear the slamming of the door behind him.
Really Everett wasn't really surprised that Jacob walked out. But instead of chasing after him he got up and went out the back window to his bedroom. He climbed out onto the overhang of the porch and dropped down into the yard to wait for Jacob to come storming out of the back door.
Which is exactly what Jacob did and when he saw Everett standing there, his eyes narrowed. "Geez, Ever, planning on making me fall too? You're going to have to work harder with me." That was the understatement of the century. God, he wanted to fight right now, his bitterness practically a taste in the air that surrounded him.
Everett crouched down a little bit and he pounced on Jacob, knocking him flat onto his back in the yard. He pinned him down there, keeping Jake's arms at his sides with his knees. "You say I never come to you but I do. I just never make it to your door."
A fair fight, he corrected in his head. Or just a fight where he won. The brunt of Everett's knees crushed tight to Jacob's arms and he couldn't even dream about moving them, so he just clenched and unclenched his fists. He was all barbed wire now and his eyes glared up at Ever. "Thought you were too tired from flitting after Vaughn."
"Maybe I am. Maybe this is my one last hooray and after this I will die a miserable and tired wolf." Because he was pretty sure that was what was happening. He was dying slowly. "So I'm here for you, i thought things were going all right in there and then you were gone."
"You scolded me for having sex with Vaughn and then you said that you got into a fight with him because he reeked of me. That's not what I would call going well." Jacob was not, however, struggling to get up. Even if he was angry, the weight of this man on him was a good thing. At least he was still close.
"Becasue I was jealous that it was him taht smelled like you and not me. Because he was with you and not me." Either way, he just felt left out. "I wasn't scolding you, I just said that I was upset. If this is how it is going to be all the time, hot and cold constantly, what's the point?"
The old Jacob would have simply thrown that back in his face. Right, what's the point, with a shrug and a look away. But he couldn't bring himself to do that. "The point is that I love you. That's the point. If it's hot and it's cold, then that's what it is."
That stopped Everett in his tracks and he just sat there fora second, not even sure what to do. All of his time with him he had just considered what they were doing to be fucking. And unrequited love in Jacob's direction, because Everett was really good at at loving people who couldn't love him back.
He didn't know what he'd been expecting, but utter silence hadn't been it. He'd thought of every possible way of conveying this fact to Everett, but apparently it had taken actually saying the words to get them across. Go figure. "Say something," he said with a frown. "Or let me up, I'd take that response too."
"I love you." he just hadn't ever thought that Jacob would love him back. Again he just sat there for a second, still not sure what else to say or what to do. "I never thought that you would say it, I guess you just caught me off guard."
Deep down, Jacob was intensely relieved that Everett hadn't chosen the 'let him up' response, because that would have been rejection that Jacob couldn't have handled. So he stayed pinned as his muscles relaxed and the anger went out of him. "I want to read that story, about Parker."
For a second he just shrugged his shoulders but then he looked up and over at Jacob so that their eyes met. "I didn't know, Jacob." Because he just wasn't very perceptive when it came to things like that, which was really odd considering the fact that he seemed to study them all to write about them and he seemed to know them all so well.
That made Jacob sad and relieved at the same time. Sad because he'd been loving Ever for a long time without it being acknowledged. Relieved because it was safer not to be obvious about such things. Now he wondered if Vaughn hadn't known before the other night. That was also disturbing to Jacob. He nodded a little, holding Ever's gaze before he stood up. "I'll go get it." He followed Ever's direction and came back shortly with the manuscript in hand.
The story was a short story. Twenty pages or so. It was about a guy who knocked up a girl and the story took place after the baby was born. It was set in the hospital, where he held his son for the first time and they, together, agreed on the name Parker. The story was sweet and very much unlike the biting and snarky writing he usually wrote with.
He sat down and read it. There was always something nerve-wracking about reading Ever's work right in front of him. It made Jacob worry that he would react wrong, or laugh at the wrong moments. Though writing was supposed to be interpreted. He pulled his legs up to his chin and held the paper at his shins as he read over his knees. When he was done, he glanced up at the other man. "I think I was expecting you to write about how stupid and reckless I was and what a bad father I'm going to make."
"Why would I do that?" Because he honestly didn't think that he was going to be a bad dad. Reaching over, he nudged his foot against Jacob's knee and then he put his hands beneath his head. "I dont' think you are going to be any of those things."
"I don't know, because of the way you look at me sometimes." Jacob could almost feel the disapproval drifting from Ever in waves. But he shook his head, passing the topic off. "It's a really nice story. Exactly what I needed to read right now, I think." No matter where he was or what he was doing, there was always a scared running commentary of terror surrounding the baby.
"You can have it." There was another copy on his harddrive so he didn't mind if jacob took the story with him. "I want you to be happy, you know? I want everything to work out. I"m glad that Kinley moved up here. It'll be easier for you that way."
"It'll be easier in some ways," he set the manuscript down on his lap, brushing his fingers over it. "When you meet her, it'll be pretty clear why it'll be a lot harder in some other ways." That, and the fact that Jacob still had feelings for her and things were apparently still delicate between Vaughn and Ever and him.
"Well can I meet her?" Because Kinley seemed like someone that he wanted to meet. "IDo you love her too?" Because he loved Vaughn. and now he knew that he loved Everett too. "I want to meet her."
Jacob didn't know how to answer the love question about Kinley. "You can meet her anytime you want. She can't run away since she's stuck in her bed until the baby comes. And I don't think she has enough energy to beat anyone up." If any human could beat up a werewolf, it was Kin.
"Well then I guess I better meet her before the baby comes. She'll be stressed and tired when the baby comes and then she'll probably kill me with just a look if I say or do the wrong thing, as I am prone to do."
"Can I let her read this?" He gestured to the story in his lap. Maybe it would be a way to persuade her to name the baby Parker because the more he thought about it, the more he liked the name. But damned if it was his idea; it would have to be hers.
"Yeah, she can read it." That made him smile a little and he turned over so that he could lay his head down in his lap. "I love you." One of his arms hooked over his thighs and he closed his eyes as they laid there in the yard.
Closing his eyes, Jacob let the words sink in slowly. Now that he'd said that he loved Everett, one might think it would be easier to say it again and again, but Jacob was still findining that the words stuck in his throat. But hearing Everett say it made him want to repeat it. "I love you too." It sounded weird in his own voice.
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