Without you, I don't even have a pulse.
I am dead without you. My heart doesn't beat without you. I am lifeless without you.
I called Roxan on the phone. I asked her out on the phone because I was too scared to do it in person. I ended up getting rejected so bad that I literally had to pick up the pieces of myself off the floor that shattered with shock and heartbreak. I feel like such a fucking idiot. I should've known a girl like her would never want someone like me. At least, not as something serious. I'm not the type of person anyone would want to take home. I'm not like Kaliana, I'm not sweet, I'm a vulgar immature drunk sleezebag.. Rowen was right.

All alone, it's dark and cold. With every move I die.
The winter air isn't the only thing that freezes me. My surroundings aren't the only thing that's isolated dark and cold..so is my heart.
So I wandered the streets, I'm a mess and I don't know what to do with myself. I just need to get away. I need to run away from it all. I need to find an escape. I need to find a way to make it stop hurting inside. This is why I never use to let anyone in. This is why I stopped caring. Because whenever you care about someone, whenever you love somebody, all it leads to is pain. What Kaliana and Madison have is a fairytale, it's a miracle but like I said God doesn't give me any of the good stuff. 

Here I go, this is my confessional. A lost cause. Nobody can save my soul. I am so delusional. With every move I die.
A rebel without a cause. 
I find solace in the clubs, in the night, in the dark, getting drunk and moving my body recklessly. I become like a tornado on the dance floor. Wild, lost, devastated. Full of misery and darkness. All I do is ruin things.  All I do is fuck everything up. I don't know how I fucked things up but she told me she never wanted to see my face again. She told me I was the most disgusting person that ever existed that she was ashamed of herself and regretted every single moment we spent together. 

I'm dancing with tears in my ears, just fighting to get through the night. I'm losing it. With every move I die.
I'm dying..I'm crying..I won't be able to get through tonight or any other night..
I don't care about anything anymore. I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone not even myself. Fuck life. Fuck this. Fuck that. Life is shit. Life is hell. It is a joke. My life is a fucking joke and I hope God is getting a good laugh out of it. I give the fuck up. Why bother fighting? Why bother trying? Why does this even hurt so bad?

I'm fading, I'm broken inside.
This is all hopeless..
I thought Roxan was different. I thought she really saw me for who I really am. I thought maybe we could be okay, we could be happy together that I was good enough. I had such high hopes, I had such big dreams.  I thought I could be different, that I could be better. That I didn't have to drink, that I didn't have to dance and party and fuck all the time. That I could act like a normal person, like a good person. But fuck that shit. It was foolishness.

When did I become such a hypocrite. A double life.
You can never really change who you are.
Deep down no matter what you wear, no matter which way you put your hair or what you do you will always be you. I will always be me. No matter what. Nothing and nobody can change me. People never change. People always stay the same. People just pretend to be who they aren't. I was one of them. I thought if I acted like I was a good kid, I'd be one. Bullshit. Everything is just below the surface. You can't sugar coat it. The truth always comes out. The truth is, I'll always be just a drunk ass bitch.


Trust me, I'm paying for it. With every move I die.
The risk wasn't worth the price I pay.
I tried so hard for what? Just to feel something. Just to get discarded like a piece of hot cat shit on the floor? I guess so. I thought it was worth it. I thought she was worth it. I thought we were worth it. But this feeling that I'm falling apart and I'm crumbling into pieces makes me think differently now. I have never felt so hurt and betrayed and foolish in my life. No one has ever made me feel this low.


On the floor, I'm just a zombie.  Who I am is not who I want to be.
I won't feel anything anymore after tonight..
I wanted to be more than what I really was. I wanted to be something better. But that will never happen. I will always be the drunk party girl. So it's time to hit the bottle and throw up in closets again. It's time to be numb. It's time to just give in. To just let everything go. Let go of the childish dreams and false hopes. Go back to what I do best. Stop trying to be something I'm not. I loved you Roxan..I know I did. I thought you loved me too..