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 Recently, things have been incredibly busy. Kali has been working with her sponsors and trying to convince them to donate money to the people of Haiti. So far she's been very successful, we've all donated money to help these people. We've been working really hard, to get everyone to support these people. You might not think it matters but it does. These tragedies and devastations are a very big deal. It is real. It really happened. This is not a movie. Like people, it really happened seriously, this isn't made up. This isn't like a random ridiculous scene in a bad porno where the guy's penis is the size of a baby elephant. There are people out there who are doing worse than we are. We can help them. So let's do it. We've been performing for benefits and charities to raise money. Roxan and I were at a telethon together just recently raising money. We're doing everything we can. All of this has opened my eyes really wide. I'm completely awake. I see everything. I am so grateful for everything I have. For my family, for my health, for Roxan.  Roxan is encouraging me to go back to school. Since I never really finished. I kind of dropped out...so she's helping me get my education on. As long as she'll be with me every step of the way I really don't mind. Right now, more than ever things have been hectic. Kali's working like crazy. My baby cousin Atticus moved in with us. His mom, which is my aunt Linda is really sick and the doctor's aren't sure exactly what's wrong but she's like in a coma. Let's not even bother bringing up his "father", a father is a man who takes care of his family and sets an example. His "father", that "man" is really a SHITSTAIN MOTHER FUCKER. Yeah, he really is. He just packed his shit and left. He didn't even do a thing to make sure aunt Linda was safe or little Atticus would be taken care of. No. What does he do? He runs. He gets the hell outta town. I hope he doesn't ever come back to be honest. Atty would be better off without him anyway, he's just a deadbeat dickfaced ass popsicle. My mother is too old to take care of him so, he's with us. Maddy and Kali are like his parents or whatever. But he's been mostly spending time with Maddy since Kali is doing all this sponsorship, clothing line, perfume stuff. Plus a big percentage of her clothing line and perfume brand earnings will be going to help the people at Haiti which I think is really cool of her to do.  But yeah Maddy takes him to daycare and then they go to her uncle's business. He basically has a sports center. He trains and coaches teams for soccer and things like that. She helps coach the kids that go there. Atty loves it there. He's so young but I think he understands that his mother might never get better but he's okay with us. He knows he's safe with us and that we care and I think that's why he smiles and acts happy. Because no matter what he knows we'll make sure he's okay. He's such a sexy little man. I better make sure to keep Roxan from getting to close to him. She might dump me for him. Haha because I know if he wasn't 3 years old and my cousin, I'd even leave myself for him. He's one sexy little guy. He loves playing with Rant and Casey. They're like his best friends already...but yeah! Roxan's coming over to just hang out. I love that girl. Seriously. She's the best ever. She's fucking hot, she kisses in this very sexy way, she sings and it sounds so sexy, I love dancing with her, she's gorgeous, she's fucking smart too, she cooks some awesome food. Oh that girl is a fucking keeper and I feel like a winner.
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So, you all know there was a big ass misunderstanding. Roxan does have feelings for me and not mean hater type feelings, she has like "Oh Riley! You're so foxy-take your clothes off-let's get married" kind of feelings. That's okay with me. I've been alright for the most part. I was kind of real fucked up and wasted before. That's incase you didn't remember. I had to make it clear. Let's do a recap. Shall we?  Riding to stripclubs on a bike...getting drunk as fuck...wearing chinese man masks with long white beards. Getting slapped by Roxan, finding out that the reason I lost my mind...wasn't even a real reason at all. To be honest, when she yanked my mask off and smacked me across the face, I was in shock. I had no idea what was going on. I couldn't believe I saw her right in front of me, then SMACK, then I couldn't believe that either. In a way it kind of cleared my head up for a few seconds but then filled it and clouded it with a mass confusion. She began to explain the truth, how Rowen fooled me and was the one who said all those things that made me act retarded. I sat on the floor with my back against the wall when everyone left and Roxan cleaned up my mess..and my life. I felt like crying. Even though it wasn't Roxan who said those things it still hurt. But then I cried because of all the stupid things I did. Wanted to cry because in the end no matter what stupid things I was doing, Roxan came to save me. She promised to always be there for me. And she was. She was there for me that night and the next day and went home and dealt with her brother Rex.. I don't really want to discuss Rowen right now. But we're getting away from her for a little while. Kali and Maddy planned a trip to Pinegrove Ranch and they promise it would be a blast. Too bad Rant and Casey can't come. But don't worry, Travis and Marky are coming to house sit and baby sit those two little guys. So Roxan and Rex are coming with us. To spend a week over there. We're driving a SUV up there. Yes, they have an SUV. But like I said, we never talk about the cars that they have because they are rarely used. But Maddy has a Mazda Tribute. That's usually used as the grocery car, when they go food shopping, they use that car and fill it up with massive amounts of food because Kali cooks so fucking much and Maddy's a fat ass who sits there and eats all of the food too! But yeah, so I had to go clothes shopping for our trip! We all wanted some nice new clothes so we all went shopping as a group. Here's some clothes I bought!
ROXAN GOT THIS SAME JACKET IN GRAY!!!
 There it is. That's just some of the stuff by the way. I have a few more jeans and more pj and underwear stuff. I mean I wish I could just be naked the whole time but I think Roxan would catch a heart attack or something instead of a hard on. She's so freakin' innocent it's cute. But yeah. The room arrangements are still a surprise. Tomorrow we'll be going in the morning on our way. Tonight, Roxan and Rex are sleeping over. She's gonna update with her clothes and stuff. We both got cute underwear and socks and things like that. OH! I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU WHAT MY SNAPPLE CAP SAYS. "Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of a blue whale." That's a heavy ass tongue...imagine being licked in the crotch with that? Pssh. Your pussy would be paralyzed after that.
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 Okay. I tried to fuck that girl. But shit kept happening. First, a gnome tripped me. Then..when she was naked on the floor and I had a rubber dildo in my hand, I couldn't stop laughing and I beat her over the head with it. The funniest part was, it kept going like boing..boing..so everytime I hit her once, it'd bounce around and hit her two more times. She didn't find it as amusing as I did. I tried to lean forward and say sorry but then I collapsed and banged my head on the wall. Then I was inspired and made up a song called "She Bangs.." So, I started singing..."she bangs..she bangs...ohhh baby..." then I remembered, I didn't make that song. That was Ricky Martin. I got really sad. But then..I hit my head again and forgot what I so sad about. I couldn't fuck that hoochie mama sugartit lady. I told her to get her candyass out my room, I made her leave through the fire escape. Yep. That's the same fucking way her bitch ass came in too. I don't give a fuck. You bitches have to come in and out my window if you wanna get anywhere. So okay, now for plan B. What the fuck was my plan b? OH! I remember now. Since I couldn't fuck that girl. I'm just going to go get more drunk, if that's even possible..and I will go to a stripclub! Yayyyyy strippers. Everybody take it off! I wonder if they'll play my songs in a stripclub, they fucking better. That shit would be hot. Especially if they play "Take It Off". That would be fucking sick. So yes, I'm going to go run around with some strippers. I'm going to come home smelling like strippers with glitter all over my body. When I piss, I will piss glitter. When I shit, I will shit glitter. When I spit, I will spit glitter. I heard glitter keeps the aliens away. Fuck you aliens. Now I know why Maddy hates Superman, he's a fucking alien. FUCK YOU E.T. FUCK YOU KARATE GUYS FROM THAT SHOW DRAGON BALL Z. FUCK ALL THE ALIENS!! DAMN THEM!!! DID YOU SEE THE FOURTH KIND? THEY KIDNAP PEOPLE AND EAT THEIR REESE'S PIECES...WAIT THE LAST PART WAS E.T. GOD DIDNT MAKE REESE'S FOR THOSE BASTARDS. THEY DONT PAY TAXES!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE WORLD COMING TO!!! WHY IS THERE TIOLET PAPER WRAPPED AROUND MY WRIST. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!11111111111 FUCK YOU OPTIMUS PRIME YOU'RE LIKE A ROBOT CAR ALIEN BITCH. NOBODY LIKES ALIENS!!! Yeah..so I heard the Yankees won...what the fuck am I talking about?!?!?!?! I must go to the strip club now. I will not be home until it closes and all the strippers dance with me. I will be there til the po-po shut us down. Then I will go to Costa Rica to the rain forest and steal all the parrots and hide them under my bed and feed them chicken selects from Mcdonalds. P.S.... my arm hair is freaking me out.. OK. NOW I AM GOING TO RIDE MY BIKE TO THE STRIPCLUB..I want all the strippers to do the robot..
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 Without you, I don't even have a pulse.I am dead without you. My heart doesn't beat without you. I am lifeless without you.
I called Roxan on the phone. I asked her out on the phone because I was too scared to do it in person. I ended up getting rejected so bad that I literally had to pick up the pieces of myself off the floor that shattered with shock and heartbreak. I feel like such a fucking idiot. I should've known a girl like her would never want someone like me. At least, not as something serious. I'm not the type of person anyone would want to take home. I'm not like Kaliana, I'm not sweet, I'm a vulgar immature drunk sleezebag.. Rowen was right. All alone, it's dark and cold. With every move I die.
The winter air isn't the only thing that freezes me. My surroundings aren't the only thing that's isolated dark and cold..so is my heart.
So I wandered the streets, I'm a mess and I don't know what to do with myself. I just need to get away. I need to run away from it all. I need to find an escape. I need to find a way to make it stop hurting inside. This is why I never use to let anyone in. This is why I stopped caring. Because whenever you care about someone, whenever you love somebody, all it leads to is pain. What Kaliana and Madison have is a fairytale, it's a miracle but like I said God doesn't give me any of the good stuff. Here I go, this is my confessional. A lost cause. Nobody can save my soul. I am so delusional. With every move I die.A rebel without a cause.
I find solace in the clubs, in the night, in the dark, getting drunk and moving my body recklessly. I become like a tornado on the dance floor. Wild, lost, devastated. Full of misery and darkness. All I do is ruin things. All I do is fuck everything up. I don't know how I fucked things up but she told me she never wanted to see my face again. She told me I was the most disgusting person that ever existed that she was ashamed of herself and regretted every single moment we spent together. I'm dancing with tears in my ears, just fighting to get through the night. I'm losing it. With every move I die.
I'm dying..I'm crying..I won't be able to get through tonight or any other night..
I don't care about anything anymore. I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone not even myself. Fuck life. Fuck this. Fuck that. Life is shit. Life is hell. It is a joke. My life is a fucking joke and I hope God is getting a good laugh out of it. I give the fuck up. Why bother fighting? Why bother trying? Why does this even hurt so bad?
I'm fading, I'm broken inside.
This is all hopeless..I thought Roxan was different. I thought she really saw me for who I really am. I thought maybe we could be okay, we could be happy together that I was good enough. I had such high hopes, I had such big dreams. I thought I could be different, that I could be better. That I didn't have to drink, that I didn't have to dance and party and fuck all the time. That I could act like a normal person, like a good person. But fuck that shit. It was foolishness. When did I become such a hypocrite. A double life.
You can never really change who you are.
Deep down no matter what you wear, no matter which way you put your hair or what you do you will always be you. I will always be me. No matter what. Nothing and nobody can change me. People never change. People always stay the same. People just pretend to be who they aren't. I was one of them. I thought if I acted like I was a good kid, I'd be one. Bullshit. Everything is just below the surface. You can't sugar coat it. The truth always comes out. The truth is, I'll always be just a drunk ass bitch.
Trust me, I'm paying for it. With every move I die.
The risk wasn't worth the price I pay.
I tried so hard for what? Just to feel something. Just to get discarded like a piece of hot cat shit on the floor? I guess so. I thought it was worth it. I thought she was worth it. I thought we were worth it. But this feeling that I'm falling apart and I'm crumbling into pieces makes me think differently now. I have never felt so hurt and betrayed and foolish in my life. No one has ever made me feel this low.
On the floor, I'm just a zombie. Who I am is not who I want to be.
I won't feel anything anymore after tonight..
I wanted to be more than what I really was. I wanted to be something better. But that will never happen. I will always be the drunk party girl. So it's time to hit the bottle and throw up in closets again. It's time to be numb. It's time to just give in. To just let everything go. Let go of the childish dreams and false hopes. Go back to what I do best. Stop trying to be something I'm not. I loved you Roxan..I know I did. I thought you loved me too..
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 I use to spend my nights drunk ass fuck getting drunker by the second...now I spend them looking up at the sky missing Roxan. Weird isn't it? I just realized being sober is cool. I can actually remember things..and cherish special moments..not just throw up in people's closets by accident and blank out. No more waking up in stranger's bathtubs I guess. I found new sober ways to have fun. I stopped one addiction..only to get wrapped up in another. Roxan. She is officially my new addiction. Her smile is my addiction, the way she smells is my addiction, it gets me high. I have decided to try and make her my girlfriend. I am no good with relationships, they always end terribly and horribly and diasterly and .. whateverly. Yes. Just...UGH. They really suck the same way clit pumps do. Get it? Clit pumps suck because of their suction? So they like literally suck.. okay next time I'll think of a better comparison. Roxan is on the phone with me as I write this. She is on speaker because I love hearing her through both my ears, like stereo. I even closed my eyes for a little bit and pretended that she was right here next to me. She left one of her shirts here so I'm going to keep it forever and sleep with it, so I can smell her. Tomorrow, I'm going to make her my girlfriend officially. No matter what happens. I'm saying that because I have really shitty luck and something terrible can happen between right now and tomorrow. Like..her house could just blow up. Or that Betta fish thing could get rabies and kill her whole family and she's too depressed to even want to see me let alone go out with me. I don't want to get off the phone with her. So she came up with the idea of us going to sleep together on the phone. I get to listen to her breathing softly..and she gets to listen to me snore like a fat old man. Not so hot? I know. I'm going to like buy a book to teach me how the fuck not to snore like a demon grizzly bear or some shit. What can I say? We all have flaws, I just might have more than others. God was pretty generous with me when it came to that kinda shit. But yes, tomorrow is a brand new day and I have very big big plans. Here's a list of my goals. 1. Ask Roxan to be my girlfriend. 2. Make out with her and spend time with her. 3. Find ways to really piss Rowen off. 4. Meet Rex because I hear he's pretty cool. 5. Make an entry full of only song lyrics describing how I feel. 6. Burn Roxan a cool mix CD!
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 When Kali said that we have a big day today she was not playing. Maddy took the car out. That's right they have a car. They don't use it. Maddy is weird about cars...because her parents died in a car accident. Nobody talks about it. I guess it's because it really fucking sucks and it wasn't cool at all. And we're too cool to talk about shit that isn't cool. But Maddy knows how to drive and everything. So Maddy took the drivers seat, Kali sat shotgun, with a hand on Maddy's lap and music playing on the radio. Ironically..it was one of my songs. Tik Tok. My first single..for my upcoming album. It wasn't the first time I was on the radio, I've been on the airwaves for a while already. Because when I use to go get drunk and act a fool in clubs, my song would be playing like a party anthem. Roxan sat next to me in the back singing along with my song. It made me smile. She whispered to me that she loves my voice. I asked her which one, my regular talking one or my singing one and she said they both hypnotize her. My heart it pounds and you got me now. That ironically was the lyric that played after she said that. The girl got me. But anyway since we were going with the car, we had no idea how long or where we were going. So, I took my DS and me and Roxan were playing in the back. Singing along to Rebelyell my sister's band that started playing on the radio right after me. It's like the Avery invasion or something.  Oh, did I forget to tell you, Rant was in the car too? Yes, he was sitting next to Roxan. I think he's trying to make her his girlfriend but no. I won't be having any of that. So I'm watching him. When the car stopped, I had no idea where we were but the building said something about animals. So I figured we were going to get Rant groomed..but I wasn't sure why? Anyway we went inside following Kali and Maddy and some lady in her 30s came up to us. She was totally having a heart attack when she saw us. She was like "Whoa! We have never had so many famous people in here at the same time... as a matter of fact, we haven't ever had anybody famous here at all!" Kali smiled and Maddy shook the woman's hand and they whispered to each other something I couldn't hear. Well...okay maybe I just didn't care enough to hear, I was in a very intense game of thumb wrestling with Roxan and I didn't want to lose but I did anyway. That girl has mad skills. Kali and Maddy disappeared with that older lady and then we got called to the back with them a few minutes later. There were a bunch of cats and dogs around, I could smell them. I knew what they smelled like..they smelled like...wet dog and cat. Haha. Rant was at Maddy's heel on his little leash. He thinks he's a dog or something. He's not even like a regular cat. But anyway, Rant was standing and tapping Maddy with his paws and he had that cat smile he usually puts when he's happy. When I turned to look...I saw a miniature pincher and my jaw dropped because I finally realized what was going on. They were adopting a puppy! And I couldn't help but smile. That was like a DUH moment for me. That's something Kali would do. Adopt a puppy. She always complained Rant needed more company. That her "jellyfish" weren't enough company for him. The puppy was a boy and he was pretty cute. But the lady was telling us some story about how he's a spunky little guy and doesn't respond to any name that they gave him so finding a name for him would be hard. He was semi-trained, he could sit, roll over and little things like that. He was in great health and friendly. His story was that a family had bought him but their child was allergic or some shit so the family brought him to this place. Sucks for them and for this little guy.  Maddy leans down and pets him and stares at him. She stares into his eyes and scratches behind his ears and he's looking at her like he is in love. She gets up and smiles at him. She's all like "I know what we should name him...you guys were picking all the wrong names for him, I mean look at him does he look like a Mozart or Darwin? You might as well have tried to name him Dreadlocks or something else ridiculous." This is when I start thinking she is secretly a dog whisperer or some shit. She looks at the dog and says "Casey." and he barks and runs around in circles. BINGO. Casey is his name-oh. Rant and Casey were playing around with each other sniffing each other and running around in circles. The last time I saw Rant like that was when I put some whiskey in his milk..but besides that, never. So they signed some papers and Casey was licking everybody and saying hello and everything being all friendly and cute and I was kind of happy too. He was a cutie. He made Kali, Maddy and Roxan smile so I couldn't help but smile at him too. We got a new addition to our family. Maddy and Kali got a new son. Casey Avery Tarantino. And Maddy got to show off her little Chuck Palahniuk obsession, same things goes with Kali. One of the characters in his books is called "Rant Casey" M&K's sons' names make Rant. Casey. Get it? Clever. Cute. It works for them.  We drove back home and I decided to tell everyone about him. In a few minutes me and Roxan gotta go to the pet shop and pick up some stuff for Casey. Which is not a problem. He is my new nephew after all. Yayyyy we're a big happy family right? Isn't that some crazy ass shit? An unconventional happy family. 
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They all say, sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me. It has been a very long time since words have hurt me. It has been a very long time in general since anything has hurt me. Words are something powerful, like it or not. That's why music is powerful, the lyrics, the words..all of it matters. If lyrics matter so much, and lyrics are words, why do people think words don't have impact? That is the part I don't understand.
The picture above is of me..I have no face Rowen ripped it off. But you see the Snoopy sweater I wore to bed last night. Snoopy, because that's who she is to me. I wanted her close to me but I couldn't have her. So I settled for the stupid sweater. This is all fucking bullshit. This is why I stopped giving a fuck in general. Because people are judgmental assholes with golf clubs shoved up their uptight asses. This is why I tried to never care again. Because whenever you fucking care, the world and the people in it try to put you down and rip you apart.
Roxan didn't hurt me but what her sister said did. That girl doesn't even know me. She thinks I'm some drunky immoral vapid slutty dumb fuck. So what some of my songs have some sexual references and alcoholic references? Those things don't define me. Those are just fun songs. So what I acted wild? Doesn't everybody act wild and reckless at some point of their lives? Doesn't everybody just have a period in their life where they just don't give a fuck about jackshit.
I am young. I wanted to be free. I was tired of the world restricting me. I became UNRESTRICTED. Who the fuck does that girl think she is? Only God can judge me. Only God. And I don't think he even gives a fuck about me to be serious and honest. I'm not just a wet pussy walking around begging to be fucked. Okay? I have feelings, I have thoughts, I am human. So fuck you Rowen. Who the fuck died and made you queen of the fucking universe?
I have never wanted anything more than I want that girl. I don't mean sexually either. That girl makes me feel safe to just be me. I don't have to be wild crazy Riley. I can just be relaxed and at peace and she doesn't expect me to get drunk, or dance around all crazy, or have sex with her. She doesn't expect me to do anything except just talk to her. I got home last night and I tried to call her, her phone said she couldn't receive calls. At first, I thought she didn't want to talk to me anymore...but then I figured it out. Rowen had to have blocked my number.
There was no other option. I had to go to this dinner and so I did. I went alone. Kali and Maddy offered to come too but this is something I have to do on my own. I made sure I was on time. I rang the doorbell then Rowen opened the door. Her jaw almost came off it's hinges. I guess she was surprised to see me and so was Roxan. When the door opened, she turned to look, her face was a portrait of misery and sadness. It was tragic. It broke my heart but when she saw me it was like the sunshine came back and she was smiling just for me. She was smiling because of me.
Rowen invited me inside with a grumble and we entered the dining room where everything was already set up. Roxan sat next to me. In a hushed tone she asked why I never called and expressed her worry and sadness, she thought I wasn't going to come. Already, Rowen was filling her head up with bullshit. I had to get her away from Rowen for a little while and ASAFP. Rowen came back and started to bring food to the table and demanded for Roxan to go into the kitchen.
We ate in a very awkward silence. It was more uncomfortable than the dentist digging in your mouth. Where was the rest of the family? Maybe they were up Rowen's ass, I don't know. Maybe that's why she is such a fucking bitch. At the end, Rowen took me to a separate room and had a nice "talk" with me. More like she tried to put me down some more and I snapped. I wanted to hit her so bad, I was about to. When the doorbell rang, who the fuck what the fuck hell? Kali came......that's some twisted ass shit isn't it? My sister and right behind her Maddy...all dressed up.
Let the negotiations begin then. When Kali, Maddy and Rowen went into that room to have their fucking conference...Roxan and me went to her room. I don't know what happened between those three and I don't care. All I cared about was feeling Roxan's lips on my own and I was kissing her like I was never going to kiss her again. Because for all I knew, that could've been the last time. My hands were tangled in her hair and we were both gasping for air.
There was a knock on her door and Rowen was calling for Roxan..she didn't sound happy. Roxan tried to fix her hair as fast and as best as she could and opened the door. Kali and Maddy were smiling and I hear something about Roxan can come over and keep watching movies with us..she can stay hanging out for the rest of the weekend too but has to call every single day to let her sister know what's up.
I don't know what the fuck Kali and Maddy did. But I owe them. All I know is that Rowen still doesn't like me but she'll tolerate me. All I care about is being around Roxan. All I knew was that my heart was racing so fast, it was pounding so hard I thought I was about to have a heart attack or a seizure or something wild and crazy. She quickly packed her things for the weekend and was jumping around and doing her little Snoopy dance and she hugged everybody in the room and was just beaming.
When God said .. let there be light, that is when he made Roxan's smile. That should be written in the fucking big bible book somewhere. Because that's the God damn truth.
At the end of the day, the scoreboard reads, Riley = 1. Rowen = 0.
Now since my Snoopy is here, I gotta go...we have a movie marathon to catch up on. Bring on the popcorn, nachos, Reese's Pieces and M&Ms! Oh wait, more good news. Last night while I was sad...I called my manager. As you all know, I'm going on tour but I wanted another act to perform with me.... that will be Roxan. Haaaaa guess how pissed off Rowen is going to be when she finds out that Roxan's manager already said yes! And guess how surprised and happy Roxan is going to be to get the hell away from her bitch ass sister and sing all day with me! Here's the promo poster! Change the score from Riley = 2 and Rowen = 0.
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