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[Apr. 25th, 2008|11:51 pm]
My opinions. Here they are out in the open for all the world to see. Hiding nothing.

- People with borderline personality disorder shouldn't go off their medication. Actually, anyone with severe mental disorders should not go off their medication. Not being a hypocrite in this, that's why I did what I had to in order to get my medication for my anxiety. I've been a lot better because of it. But, people prone to such manic episodes who think they're fine without it... well there was a reason you were prescribed them in the first place and some people just have to take meds their whole life. Things were perfectly fine until she went off them and went psychotic again.

- Apparently, I betray people. Though you know, Kelly was the only one I went to about the serious stuff, because she saw it too and we had mentioned several times to each other that we wanted to help. i went to her, because she understood Lindsay better. You know, there are so many things that I've helped Lindsay through and been there for her through that I could tell everyone. If I didn't care about her, if I was what she's trying to make me out to be, then I would have told the world. Never did that. But you know, this is why it was impossible to talk to Lindsay about any of it in the first place. She goes mental over it, stresses herself out when she doesn't need to be stressed, jumps to conclusions and always assumes the worst out of what is said.

- She's an adult now you know. She doesn't need the drama or the shit. Yet, hacking into someone's journal over something so petty? I didn't know that was the emblem of maturity. Isn't she twenty-five now, married and wanting to have a kid? What sort of adult humour and pleasure can be taken out of something so childish? Again, this goes back to the mental state she is in when she is off her medication. Things were great until then. We were able to talk to each other rationally and be there. I've had my manic moments. She helped me through them. I did try to do the same for her, even when it was an inconvenience for me.

- Why on earth would I try and break up a 15 year friendship? Definitely giving me far more credit than I deserve. I spent plenty of time talking to Kelly when Lindsay and I weren't talking and every once in awhile, I'd ask how she was doing, because I cared. I never once said that she shouldn't be friends with her. Where any of this is coming from is news to me. I wasn't attacking Kelly viciously with what happened the night that Lindsay and I jumped to conclusions. I felt hurt and betrayed, but I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I wasn't against us trying to work things out, because I wanted it to be through the truth and communication. That's being a bad friend? Since when?

- Apparently, this is my loss. This is the last time that I'm writing over this issue. Obviously it isn't a loss. I'll never forget what my old therapist told me about borderlines and their need to control the world around them, pull people into their circle. When Lindsay and I started talking again, it seemed like things with that were getting better. Since she quit taking the psych meds, the same habits are back. She does that controlling thing. She's trying the same crap on me now, again like all the other times. I don't have time for it. I was hoping that we had both matured, but I don't think it's an issue of maturity. I think it's an issue of personality.

-K, and as for this being my loss with Kelly. I can't trust someone who plays both sides like that. I never played both sides. I've been open about my opinions. The only reason it's ever taken me longer than I wanted to, to tell someone something I feel towards them, has been because of the way I know it'll be taken. Funny how Kelly said the same thing the last couple years, even recently. but what is truth and what is false? That isn't a loss to me. I wanted to work on getting over that, but this is just one more case where it just seems as if it isn't even worth it.

- They invited me into their homes, yes. I spent the money, tons of money to get out there. I should have been helping my husband move, but it was one of those things where we'd known each other for so long that I needed to take that opportunity, because I thought we were all close friends. It seemed to work out best to go out during the move. I would have never brought my daughter along. I would have never asked Kelly to be her Godmother. I would have never gone to either of them for advice or listen to their problems. I wouldn't have neglected time with my husband to spend hours on the phone with them, if this was all some giant scheme to break them apart. That's the hugest thing I've ever seen either of them pull out of their ass and it's so completely delusional.

My loss is my own stupidity. I thought I had friends who were above such trivial crap. People who understood human issues and problems. I thought that these were two people that I connected with on an intellectual and personal level. I considered them sisters, because of how close we all were. I forgive them for their misunderstanding. But they're right, trust is shattered. They call me a hypocrite, when they play the games that they're accusing me of. I can't be friends with someone who is still pulling such childish pranks and arguments.

This subject is now officially closed. Moving on with my life. I have better friends, which has been made all too clear over the past week.
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[Mar. 6th, 2008|11:25 am]
pregnant. quitting smoking. no caffeine. lost writing. teething toddler. no family support. no medication. flu. new computer. dior perfume. thirty brand new books. victims membership. new toys for baby. all bills paid. money can buy a little bit of happiness.

christian seriano. fierce and well deserving. i've been roleplaying an essence of him before PR4 ever even aired. BD:1/2b2. Yup. adore.
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[Jan. 31st, 2008|10:18 am]
I wish I'd stop sleeping so damn much so I could actually do some writing.
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[Jan. 11th, 2008|01:56 am]
I am an idiot. Seriously.

The desktop computer died and I was too lazy to save my nano project. Which means, I've lost an entire chunk of over 50,000 words. The only positive thing to this, is that there are 4 printed copies of it out. Three with my friends and one with me. In the very least, if it's not recoverable from the desktop comp, I can type it all out again.

I swear I'm so frustrated, that I have no gumption to write. I've just been reading. I need to write though and not do what I did last time, which was take six months off in frustration and anger.
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[Jan. 6th, 2008|02:15 am]
This past month:
~ My dad had a quadruple bypass.
~ Our plans for christmas in CA were cancelled
~ I came out to stay in Kingman for a couple weeks to look after my dad.
~ GJ died, officially.
~ Found out that for some reason we're $14 under in our bank account, so our rent check will bounce.
~ Chris' company is officially working out of Scottsdale and we're spending $200 in gas a week and living off $300 which doesn't even cover our bills.
~ He tries to quit and they blackmail him by saying if he doesn't work his last 2 weeks, then he'll be blacklisted from Cox Communications and won't find any more work.
~ His truck breaks down when he comes to get me on Friday and his grandmother has to pay $230 for a new altenator. While she is in the process of evacuating the canyons because the fires earlier in the year is now causing mudslides. He's too tired to come out and has to work Sat so he goes back home since he was closer to the phoenix area when it died.
~ I have a mental breakdown from dealing with Anika by myself for 2 weeks and I'm worn out.
~ Chris gets electrocuted at work and is now having heart problems and has a broken finger and the people who lived at the house and the electrician have the gall to say it's HIS fault when the wire was croaded. Because you know, my husband has the touch of the Gods and can make years of croasion happen in 2 minutes.

Honestly, my life is starting to sound like some horrible mary sue. I'm not really complaining anymore. I'm just looking back on it and going "damn. Way to start off a year with a bang." I look at it this way. If things are getting really shitty, then something really good is just around the corner.
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[Jan. 4th, 2008|12:39 pm]
Brituation '08 + TEAM BRITNEY. ftw.

Seriously, I still love the girl. Even if she's fucked up. Anyone who didn't see this coming, doesn't understand the psychology of stress, post partum and a fucked up childhood. She needs help, that's a given. As a mother though, I can understand her freak out, because I might have done the same thing, if I was in her mental state. She's going through a divorce and custody battle of course "she'd rather die than let that man have her babies". She's screwed up. Again, I know this, but she's human. I hope this will now be a step towards getting her the help that she needs.

I can't believe we were all up so late last night with that news. I'm thinking Sunni is the biggest Brituation fan out there.

I'll be home tonight. I still haven't slept. Britney on top of Anika keeping me up since 5am. Chris is on his way. I can't put up with her on my own anymore. I need his help and she needs her schedule and environment back. I reached wits end finally and I did something before this turned into Libuation '08.

I may be in love with Gabe's voice more than Brandon's. I have yet to decide. The Cobra Starship thing is getting worse. I can't focus my thoughts on one subject for very long. I'm brain dead. Take what you need until your body's numb. K. I'm out. I may or may not be on tonight, depending on when ever I finally pass out.
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[Jan. 3rd, 2008|01:59 pm]
I am homesick. It didn't really hit until last night, but there's nothing Chris can do until Sunday. I haven't brought it up with my dad yet, since there's no official plan, but maybe I'll be going home this weekend. Thing that sucks is, if I do go home, our plans for Vegas are cancelled because we can't afford two trip this far north. We'll have to come up with something else to do for our anniversary. Which always tends to suck, because he never plans things ahead, only a week or so before. I won't get into that though.

I'm mostly interested in going home, because of Anika. I'm worn out. Usually, when we're at home. I'll let her cry it out. If she's been changed, fed, played with, slept, and she's still crying over nothing and then giggling about it two seconds later, like she has been doing for days now, I just let her cry it out until she figures out how amuse herself. But here, I feel obligated to keep her quiet. My dad seems tired of it and I don't blame him and he keeps commenting on how the neighbors can probably here her. I'm tired of trying to entertain her every second of the day, when her crying is mostly due to the frustration that I won't let her get into things or put whatever she wants into her mouth. She's crawling now and she's a pain. She hates sitting in her playpen. She's becoming spoiled and expects me to do everything for her, even things as simple as sit her up when she's laid down. She's capable of getting up herself. I'm just tired and I miss my old routine, which had been working for us. I also miss my husband. It isn't like I'm here because life sucks, I do have a home and a life back in Queen Creek, that I put on hold and feel left out of.

Okay, so New Years resolutions. Mine are focused on my writing, because I really need to start wrapping things up then start looking into the publishing process.

1. Finish Julian completely this year, all edits and have a manuscript ready to send out.
2. Finish Caitlyn, and possibly have it in the same state, ready to send eventually.
3. I need to finish editing Ethan and adding in more detail, better sentence structure and a more full storyline. 50,000 words isn't going to cut it.
4. I need to come up with titles for my books.
5. I would like to be able to finish all those prompts I have this year.
6. read 50 books, ha yeah I'm trying that again.
7. Participate in project 365, which is a picture a day. I've already started but I won't be able to upload them until I get home. ~365@IJ.COM
8. Educate myself of my profession. I need to know the ropes. I need to know what I'm involved in.

I think that's about it. As for personal goals, I would like to survive the year without the annual summer emotional break down, due to the heat. We are also in the process of getting things together to move to Kentucky at the end of our lease. Kelly's hopefully coming out in June and there are so many things I want to show her!
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[Jan. 2nd, 2008|10:06 pm]
If we have until the fourth, then we should have until the fourth. I'm not trying to come off as a bitch, so I hope I'm not, but it seems unfair that my username has been given away before I had the chance to validate it, when technically we still have time. It's starting to seem like all the journaling sites are the same, because this seems to be the same sort of issue that commiejournal had. I wanted to use my journal.

I'm in Kingman still. I'm not even home yet. I'm just glad this was pointed out to me before I lost both my screen names.
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[Sep. 26th, 2007|09:58 am]
I need to wash my hair. That is all.

OH and should I start looking for rpgs over here? Me thinks so. GJ is shit these days. A lot of people on my flist are leaving too.
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